What would you ask a potential partner?

[Insaanah]

Is it wrong to 'rule out' potential suitors simply because they dont have a beard?

Ive refused to even meet such guys (much to the disappointment of my family/ friends, etc).

I feel that a beard is the 'hijab' for men......and that if a man is not willing to follow the sunnah of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam), then perhaps we are not on the same page......

Or am I being too harsh? ;/

A little.

You've made a judgement that he is not willing to follow the sunnah, without checking to see if in reality that is indeed the case.

If someone didn't fulfil his five pillars, you'd be justified at refusing outright.

With regards to the beard, maybe a little nudge from a prospective wife is all they need, as below:

Also if you meet them you can tell them that you've a preference for beards they might consider their position? Sometimes people just need a nudge!

We have to remember everybody is at different stages of their faith journey. Some may have lapsed in their teens but are now practising again - they know they should keep a beard, but for whatever reason, haven't yet done so. Yet they may be equally fervent in their desire to please Allah and come closer to Him as you are. It may be that the right lady is just the impetus they need to start growing a beard. But by refusing to meet them you're not even giving them that opportunity. There may be someone there, whose other aspects of the deen are all in place, and a beautiful character and personality, all that's needed is a mere nudge. It might not even be a nudge that's needed, simply knowing there is a practising sister that may consider them may be all that's needed. And they might turn out to be better for you than somebody that currently at the time of proposal has a beard, but who's personality or other traits might not be that great. And therefore you might be depriving yourself of someone that could could make a wonderful husband for you.

The story of Umm Sulaim comes to mind, after she became widowed, and Abu Talha (not yet a Muslim) proposed to her. Although he was a kaafir, he was highly desirable in most other respects. Yet Umm Sulaim didn't just turn him away. She told him she'd only consider him if he accepted Islam, which he did, and they married (may Allah be pleased with them both) with his acceptance of Islam as her mahr.

I'm not remotely suggesting that you consider non-Muslims, but I'm using the story as an analogy, in that someone who fulfils other aspects of the deen and is also good otherwise with the exception of the beard, shouldn't be turned away without consideration or seeing if they are willing to grow one. Maybe they want to, but something's holding them back, and a little mention from a prospective wife or her family is all that's needed. Marriage is usually also a time of maturation for men, so many will already be thinking about it even though they may not have grown one yet. You can put it out there that you prefer a husband that has a beard or would grow one before marriage, to fulfil the prophetic way. If they point blank refuse, then yes, you can refuse them.

Also bear in mind that while having a beard is part of a man's visible Muslim identity in Islam, having a beard in no way guarantees a good character.

Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) once said you should not attest to the goodness of someone simply because he goes to the mosque. Similarly one shouldn't think that considering only those that currently have beards at the time of proposal will be best. Some of those, that might not have one at the time of first proposal, but grow one before marriage, upon your mentioning, could be better. Allahu a3'lam.

Just some food for thought.

I must emphasis I'm not defending not keeping a beard, nor advocating or justifying the not keeping of one, but trying to put things in perspective.

And Allah knows best.

 

[GuestFellow]

Is it wrong to 'rule out' potential suitors simply because they dont have a beard?

Ive refused to even meet such guys (much to the disappointment of my family/ friends, etc).

I feel that a beard is the 'hijab' for men......and that if a man is not willing to follow the sunnah of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam), then perhaps we are not on the same page......

Or am I being too harsh? ;/

:wa:

You have your own requirements. Stick with them.

 

[Musaafirah]

Has anyone gotten to the stage where they receive 'biodatas' of the potential before they even meet, to give them an idea of what they're like?
Sorry, it makes me laugh every time.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

^^

CVs, biodatas or whatever you wanna call them: I say they're all bloody nonsense and a complete joke. One will never find out the truth about someone based on what one has said about one's own self. If people lie and exaggerate on their job applications, what's going to stop them from doing the same for a "marriage cv"?

It seriously puzzles me how this ridiculous and absurd method of finding a spouse has gained such prominence.

It's far better for one to ask someone whom one trusts to get credible information about a potential spouse. A brother can ask his friend to ask his wife about so-and-so as a solid reference (and vice versa for sisters). A friend will give you an honest and unbiased opinion, an opinion that will benefit you, your iman and your future.

If not then the next person should believe that I am the President of USA, with a graduate degree from Madinah and that I'm the next person to become Ibn Taymiyyah. Marry me!

 

[Re.TiReD]

I feel a 'CV' is good for some things (but I really don't think it should be called a CV :skeleton

The basics somebody might want to know about a person is age, what they study, what they work as and level of commitment to Deen...No more than this should be covered in a CV to be honest, simply because you can't gather much about a person from what's written on paper apart from how good a writer they are, and even these basics I've mentioned would be better off coming from somebody who knows the person. If somebody came with a marriage CV for my sis for example, I'd want to know what they knew about the person before reading the actual info.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

I feel a 'CV' is good for some things (but I really don't think it should be called a CV :skeleton

The basics somebody might want to know about a person is age, what they study, what they work as and level of commitment to Deen...No more than this should be covered in a CV to be honest, simply because you can't gather much about a person from what's written on paper apart from how good a writer they are, and even these basics I've mentioned would be better off coming from somebody who knows the person. If somebody came with a marriage CV for my sis for example, I'd want to know what they knew about the person before reading the actual info.

I discourage even that. I can't speak for sisters but for brothers I say: go and speak to the sister at her home with your family. If someone you trust has told you that so-and-so is a good Muslimah then you can't really find out much more about her until you speak to her. The best place to speak to her is at her home because then all the important people (like her mahram for one) will all meet each other at the same time, including you and her.

I honestly laughed when I first heard about marriage CVs and sank to disbelief when I heard that this is actually practised.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I discourage even that. I can't speak for sisters but for brothers I say: go and speak to the sister at her home with your family. If someone you trust has told you that so-and-so is a good Muslimah then you can't really find out much more about her until you speak to her. The best place to speak to her is at her home because then all the important people (like her mahram for one) will all meet each other at the same time, including you and her.

I honestly laughed when I first heard about marriage CVs and sank to disbelief when I heard that this is actually practised.

I think it's useful for getting certain pieces of information such as age, education and extra curricular activities - but I guess only at the preliminary stage. Because certain things tend to put people off such as age requirements, level of education etc. It would prevent a weird situation when you go over to her house and then you find out something you can't get past at all, like she's older or too young, whatever the case may be. Might as well find out early right?

But I get where you're coming from - i feel mostly the same way. I think the importance given to it is over rated.

If however you're commenting solely on the desi bio-datas with the rishta pose's with fobs and broken English - i totally agree These should be outlawed!

 

[Re.TiReD]

Because certain things tend to put people off such as age requirements, level of education etc. It would prevent a weird situation when you go over to her house and then you find out something you can't get past at all, like she's older or too young, whatever the case may be. Might as well find out early right?

^ this. But I just didn't know how to explain myself

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I don't have actual scripted questions per se but I'll list what I would seek to know by asking her questions. That way, if people agree with what's below, they can frame the question however they want where relevant so hopefully it's helpful to people reading. Here goes,
a

1. Flexibility and low-stress person (high achievers usually don't fall into this category)
2. Focus on Islam and family over career
​

2a. Goal oriented, purposeful person (as opposed to someone who is easily bored and can't find anything to do with themselves)​

2b Humble and respectful about your role as head of the household, but is more than willing to correct you if you're about to screw up, but respects your decisions. (This is impossible to find in this world, but is nice if she's close to it.)​

3. Fun and relaxed
4. Physical beauty
5. Low maintenance
6. Is accepting of your role in Islamic work and understands that it will take some sacrifice of your time on her part, but accepts it and is willing to work with you on it.
6. Competent at handling things on her own (house chores, calling a plumber, going shopping for stuff) and not being dependent on you for everything.
7. Good cook
8. Good at home maintenance, keeping things clean, etc.
9. Interested in being a student of knowledge with you and learning more about Islam​

a
This is numbered in order for me. Thing is, each girl can be rated on these points but no one will find someone who is a 10 in every single one except in Jannah. Some girls will be 6-10 on some points and on other points 1-5 - but the idea is that they balance you out overall so as to reach that full 10 together. So for example Sister X might be an 8 on beauty and a 2 in cooking and 2 in house keeping and 5 in focus on islam - the question would be, is that balance good for me or do I want a 5 in beauty, 2 in cooking, 7 in housekeeping, 8 in Islam. So every girl will have different measures.

Each guy has a different number level preference for each of these points - some are willing to compromise on one point for a full 10 on another point. The girl you are ok with will need to be someone you accept with her low measures in certain things and appreciate the high measures in others. And I would say this might be generally-speaking applicable to a lot of guys though they may add some points of their own.

It would be cool if a sister can come up with a similar rubric for guys - with the most important points.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

you guys say you dont like CV's but then turn the meeting into an interview with a thousand questions lol.


I stick by what I said, recommendation from an amazing pious person + a small meeting for that first look/connection will be enough inshaAllah.

I dont plan to ask my future wife much at all to be honest. I will spend the whole time trying to make sure she aint uncomfy

 

[Re.TiReD]

you guys say you dont like CV's but then turn the meeting into an interview with a thousand questions lol.


y

Wow, and I thought women were the ones who exaggerated.

CV - Reminds me too much of a job application, too rigid

Talk with questions - more relaxed, you get to find out more about a person by actually talking to them than reading about them.

But hey, to each their own...as long as it's all halal who cares, go with what you feel is best.

 

[~Zaria~]

I havent read the earlier posts in this thread, but I think we should not forget the importance of asking for guidance from Allah Taa'la through Istikaarah.

I too believe that the first meeting should be about getting to see each other and their families, and determining in a relaxed and casual manner whether there is compatiblility in terms of deen, lifestyle, attraction and goals in life.

The fact is, that people often try to create the best perception possible on the first meeting.
(This is not always the case, as there are those who believe: 'This is me - take it, or leave it.')

In view of this, even a 100 or 200 questions, as well as months and months of meeting each other will not suffice - esp. if the other is just trying his/ her best to impress.

If you have an inclination to the person from the first meeting (even if it was very brief) - then read istikharah salaah, and ask Allah to guide you towards that which would be good for you.

Only Allah knows what the future would hold - so turn to the One who holds all the answers.

I wish i had read istikharah for many big decisions in my own life, rather than trusting my own limited knowledge......
Alhamdulillah, now I know better.


:wa:

 

[Muezzin]

'Know any jokes?'

 

[جوري]

yeah but my delivery of the punch line is questionable

 

[Muezzin]

A sense of humour is very, very important (for me it's second to religion). If I can't worship and laugh with this person forever, I'm not interested.

 

[جوري]

you can't go wrong with cannibal jokes.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

"Are you anti-feminist?"

 

[جوري]

^^ that one is always a winner.. :haha: this thread is amusing to say the least.. I don't think it works that way in real life at all.. I think people can usually tell from the first 9 mins whether it is a no go zone.. but it is fun to read all this stuff..

 

[PurpleCup]

I would ask:

1.) I would ask if his father was abusive to his mother. Anytime a man grows up with that in the household he can so easily repeat that with his future wife.
2.) I would ask if he is willing to relocate (if I wasn't willing to relocate)
3.) How many times he has been married and consider if he says he never have been married but is in his 40's! That means either he masturbated or dated and had premarital sex. (Not a good catch)
4.) I would ask him why he got a divorce and take his reasons into consideration if he has valid reasons, because I would never want to be left for silly reasons.
5.) I would ask if he is involved with his children (if he has any) if he isn't I wouldn't like to talk further.
6.) I would ask what are his plans to live in USA or go back to his country.
7.) I would try to observe him and see if he is one to lower his gaze when other females are around or he looks at that with lust.
8.) I would ask him how he copes when he is angry.
9.) I would consider his level of education.
10.) Most important I would look at his deen (5 pillars)

There is a list of 100 questions to ask a propestive spouse and these are all great but never ask them one after another as he will feel like he is quizzed. hew

 

[CosmicPathos]

1.) I would ask if his father was abusive to his mother. Anytime a man grows up with that in the household he can so easily repeat that with his future wife.

What an inane question to ask. Everyone has the right to hide sins of their parents.

Good luck with what you seek though.