What would you ask a potential partner?

[Periwinkle18]

Hmm Duno if we're allowed to I mite ask wht they're dng for Allah n wht they like n dislike. N how they came closer to Allah. Well I guess u get to knw a person once u start living with them.

I would just want someone who would help me b a good muslimah.

 

[CosmicPathos]

I would just want someone who would help me b a good muslimah.

Sis, I advise you to not think like that. If you cannot make yourself good, no one else can or will, even if its your spouse, they'll actually might become disinterested if you cannot remain independent and self-reliant. No one will fix your problems, only you can.

Moreover, Allah did not make us incomplete so that we need help from others to become good. Find the spark within, make yourself good with sweat, blood and everything will be yours.

 

[~Zaria~]

"if it is true that there are as many minds as there are men, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts." --Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina.

We dont even know if love between two spouses means same thing to both or not and it should not as love means different things to different hearts. I wouldnt base any relationship solely on such an undefined feeling thence. Nor should any Muslim brother/sister.

This is true - what one person expects in love, may not be the same as the other.

In general terms though, I think many women want to feel loved in a marriage - through sweet words, honest admiration, acts of romance (letters, poems, flowers)......anything that sends the message that: 'You're special to me, and I dearly love you!'

^ Im this type of person - often lost in day-dreams and a die-hard romantic at heart ; /
And for women like me, not experiencing these acts of love, can take the spark out of a marriage, and leaves the broken-hearted person wondering what is wrong with her.

Love is not the only ingredient in a marriage, but it is certainly an important one.
(A foundation that is strong in love (as well as deen), makes the hurdles that one will face in a marriage that much easier to bear......for there is always something beautiful to go back to, despite the challenges that all marriages will have.)

Which is why we should always include in our duaas, that Allah blesses us with not only a righteous spouse......but a compatible one as well.

Considering that a marriage is meant to last a life-time, it makes a difference if both parties are on a similiar emotional wave-length.

 

[Cabdullahi]

To love a woman or women? You fo real brah, you changed?

Did Prophet pbuh, whose example you so quickly machine gunned us with, equally loved his wives? You did not live with Prophet, do not claim to know what was in his heart.

I didnt change, we were given the ability to offer and exhibit love by Allah so why should we suppress and hold it back.

It doesnt make us unmanly.

As long as you stay away from gold diggers, i'm-going-to-make-your-life-hell-by-being-loud-and-fiesty sisters or the 'lets order takeway everyday...can we play some xbox...can i wear your tracksuit bottoms....lets arm wrestle...can i use your deodorant...can i use your beard trimmer i just need to handle these fine hairs before they develop into a mullah omar beard.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Sis, I advise you to not think like that. If you cannot make yourself good, no one else can or will, even if its your spouse, they'll actually might become disinterested if you cannot remain independent and self-reliant. No one will fix your problems, only you can.

Moreover, Allah did not make us incomplete so that we need help from others to become good. Find the spark within, make yourself good with sweat, blood and everything will be yours.

good sincere advise but I think the sis just meant someone will help rather then make it difficult (IE a hubby who is a dayyuf ie has no jelousy towards his wife - will destroy a marriage)

its good to want a partner who will make practising islam easier.

My sister has been married to a very good religious man mashAllah for 2 years now, and she strongly states that islam is far easier to follow now then before marriage.

 

[جوري]

This is true - what one person expects in love, may not be the same as the other.

In general terms though, I think many women want to feel loved in a marriage - through sweet words, honest admiration, acts of romance (letters, poems, flowers)......anything that sends the message that: 'You're special to me, and I dearly love you!'

^ Im this type of person - often lost in day-dreams and a die-hard romantic at heart ; /
.

there was a case a couple of years ago and it only made the news because the girl's father is an orthopedist, she fell Ill with ca. and had to undergo some surgery don't remember all the details other than the surgeon was incompetent, botched her operation then tried to cover up his mistakes, her husband while she lay dying with no working equipment or suction would take her vomit in his mouth and spit it so she wouldn't aspirate- she died eventually but that to me is love. You can and always will be romanced and bought flowers when you're a vision in the prime of your life - the secret I think is when things stink badly and the person doesn't dump you with the first opportunity.

 

[Cabdullahi]

There's nothing like vomit juice!

 

[جوري]

Vomit isn't the punch line ya عبد الله this thread idealizes the institution to a cartoonish like state.
When my uncle lay dying his wife of 20+ years and three kids didn't want to go to his room because they thought he was contagious- It's an interesting contrast IMHO anyway love exists in the small everyday details not in the nice gestures when the times are good!

 

[Re.TiReD]

...can we play some xbox...can i wear your tracksuit bottoms....lets arm wrestle...

^ I don't see anything wrong with any of the above, is it just me?

I've been thinking about the 'ideal' husband all morning actually, and I've realised that I thought I knew what I was looking for before I got married, but in reality I didn't. It was only after marriage that I had moments where I thought, ok I wasn't looking for that but I am so glad it's there, alhamdulillah. Does that even make sense? I've forgotten how to express myself on forums :skeleton:

 

[Re.TiReD]

In reply to a previous post

I don’t know how you’d find these things out by meeting only once or twice and most people probably never will until they get married but that’s the beauty of it:

• A real man, your protector, somebody you feel safe with, but at the same time gentle enough to appreciate a woman’s sensitive nature and not brand her too ‘emotionally needy’
• Streetwise and smart (so many things fall under this I’m not going to bother elaborating)
• Somebody who realises his duty towards his parents as well as his duty towards you. Strives to give both their rights as opposed to expecting his wife to somehow fit in to the household and way life was before marriage. Some things need to change.
• Somebody you can have fun with and enjoy life with, whether that means arm wrestling, having races or travelling the world.
• Reasonable, patient, understanding, cool-tempered...All the qualities basically required to take care of a woman
• Humility and simplicity, qualities that I personally adore. No overtaking desire to have the best of the best, flash car, latest phones. Even if you can afford it I prefer somebody grounded, somebody easygoing who doesn’t give money too much priority.
• Somebody appreciative of his wife’s efforts around the house but able to do the simple things himself if need be, e.g. wash a plate.
• And last but not least, a man who does his utmost to ensure that he marries a woman who knows her husband’s rights upon her as much as she demands her rights off of him

Note how Deen hasn’t come into yet, that requires a section of its own.

 

[Periwinkle18]

good sincere advise but I think the sis just meant someone will help rather then make it difficult (IE a hubby who is a dayyuf ie has no jelousy towards his wife - will destroy a marriage)

its good to want a partner who will make practising islam easier.

exactly jazakAllah khayr akhi

Moreover, Allah did not make us incomplete so that we need help from others to become good. Find the spark within, make yourself good with sweat, blood and everything will be yours.

hmm i like this part jazakAllah, buh everyones not perfect i guess sometimes u do need help frm others cuz sometimes ppl r good at things u arnt n u cn learn alot frm them.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Vomit isn't the punch line ya عبد الله this thread idealizes the institution to a cartoonish like state.
When my uncle lay dying his wife of 20+ years and three kids didn't want to go to his room because they thought he was contagious- It's an interesting contrast IMHO anyway love exists in the small everyday details not in the nice gestures when the times are good!

Good post and good anecdote.

 

[Alpha Dude]

I suppose in light of the above, one question could be 'would you suck the vomit out of my mouth to ensure my survival, if it came down to it?'.

You can guage a person's true character.

 

[Muezzin]

If you cannot keep yourself happy, you cannot keep anyone else happy. Personal happiness comes before others'. As simple as that.

A good husband and father is happy when his wife and children are happy*. That will and ability to provide, that responsibility, is what makes a man.

*Note: 'happy' does not mean 'spoilt'. More like 'content' or 'stable'

 

[جوري]

I suppose in light of the above, one question could be 'would you suck the vomit out of my mouth to ensure my survival, if it came down to it?'.

You can guage a person's true character.

I wouldn't chisel that on a stone tablet but it sounds reasonable at this hour... I always loved that line.
One time as a med student I saw this guy ask the doctor if his wife will lose bladder and bowel function because he 'wasn't dealing with none of that' that he'd check her into a home- she had the saddest look on her face. Their son was there too - 'twas both humiliating for her and sad but in his defense he looked like he needed help getting up from a chair himself!

P.s I asked a potential that once in light of that story and he said he would except I watered it down a little not to totally gross him out- he seemed genuine & thoughtful when he replied - there are a few good guys out there!

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I was joking btw.

But even if someone wanted that, I do not see much wrong with it. Some people are not good at loving nor do they want to be loved. They just want some biological needs met in a way prescribed by God. What do you say about them? Dont say fasting.

I don't see it as wrong either per se- people want different things. But I'm just curious cuz Ive never heard of a woman like that.

As for those who want some bio needs met rightfully - no idea. I'm sure everyone deep down really just wants to be loved. It's a human need, even if it's not masked or deep down.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Hmm Duno if we're allowed to I mite ask wht they're dng for Allah n wht they like n dislike. N how they came closer to Allah. Well I guess u get to knw a person once u start living with them.

I would just want someone who would help me b a good muslimah.

^Yup - same thing but for guys. Both help each other grow and become better people - religiously/socially/etc - by challenging each other to improve for each other.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

In reply to a previous post

I don’t know how you’d find these things out by meeting only once or twice and most people probably never will until they get married but that’s the beauty of it:

• A real man, your protector, somebody you feel safe with, but at the same time gentle enough to appreciate a woman’s sensitive nature and not brand her too ‘emotionally needy’

I have a feeling the 'emotionally needy' is passively directed at me since I used the same words earlier - but to clarify - most of my points in that post were examples of characteristics in their extremity - in moderation, they're great. So having emotional needs is fine and even cute and both sides have them - but it's a problem and very draining on a man when a girl has emotional issues - like always creating drama, always turning small issues and into full scale problems etc.

Note how Deen hasn’t come into yet, that requires a section of its own.

Can you elaborate on that as well?

In my list I kept 'focus on Islam' second but i left 'student of knowledge' last because i felt the former is important and the latter isnt in terms of a marriage. What would you say for the other way around, ie for men?

 

[Cabdullahi]

would you suck the vomit out of my mouth.

No!



...

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I was joking btw.

They just want some biological needs met in a way prescribed by God. What do you say about them? Dont say fasting.

I think they should get married as that's the only way and work to love their wives. i) it's a struggle in essence like any other for some people, like lowering the gaze ii) women will appreciate the fact that you're trying to love her and be awesome to her WAY more than your results. men tend to focus on results but for women, it's all about emotion and the thought that makes them feel special and loved.

Case in point, look at the differences in my post and Flawed's post about what men look for in marriage vs women. You'll notice that her points are overwhelming leaning towards emotional needs and mine as a guy are more physical and goal oriented - and less about how they make me 'feel'. Nothing wrong with either because they complement each other.

Flawed's post:
http://www.islamicboard.com/family-society/134275141-what-would-you-ask-potential-partner-11.html#post1548487
Mine:
http://www.islamicboard.com/family-...you-ask-potential-partner-10.html#post1547700

It's interesting because going back to the absolute basics - it's a circle. A guy helps a girl fulfill her emotional needs (her main goal), she responds by helping him fulfill his physical needs (his main goal). He likes that, so he goes and fulfills her emotional needs some more to have his physical needs filled. It's a win/win situation.

It's kind of simplistic putting it that way - there are a lot of other factors involved, but I think that does sum it up.