What would you do in my place?

[Faithbox]

Salam brothers and sisters,

I want to share my story in short and i really want to know what you people would do in my situation.

Lets start from the beginning,
My youth was everything exept fun.
It started with getting bullied on school for 8 years because of how i look like and
because my parrents did not allow me to visit friends their houses.
You can say i was prett much bounded to home and at home there was not alot of
love and happyness. My mother converted to islam for 22 yearsnow but till the day of today
it is still a hard job explaining her the way of islamic live and thinking.

After 19 years i had enough of my live at home and i left home with islam aswell,
My faith was just gone, i created a big hatred towards islam because i just only seen bad examples
and when i wanted to have or do something that my parrents dont allowed the answer was just simple
its haram or its something for sheitan thats it.
My father is a pretty good muslim in my opinion but if i had to learn the peace and love of islam i should have learned it from my mother because my father worked alot and got little less time to have time with the kids at home.

I created a wall between me and my father when i were very young because of the punishments i have got from him for things my half brother did back then. He was a pretty sneaky and evil kid at that time.

Everytime my father punished me for bad things that happened at home knowing it was my brother i kept telling it was me. When i look back now i dont understand why i did that because i ruined my life from the
start, and my father punishment is not something you can call soft.

Home was a place i felt unhappy and unaccepted and school was a place of disgrace.

So i left home left islam left my family started on my self but i couldnt find happiness.
I followed my brother who had went on his self aswell, i visited raves drunk used drugs and hoped
i would experience the life everyone had just fun no worries people surrounding you.

But before i even touched alcohol or any drugs i started to feel very strange.
I always felt someone is following me, sometimes ive seen shadows surrounding me and nightmares became common.

Psychs told me it was a traumatic strss disorder.
I went following their sessions but it did not felt good, it felt horrible.
I kept strong and tried to go on with life but the ideas of commiting suicide and hating my life and how it all have turned into kept growing. The people around me could not find that because i can some how hide this pretty good.

After 2 years i stopped with the chilling and drinking and got isolated at home.
1 year i lived like a very weird person. I admit i smoked weed for a few months but i lived not how i normally lived. I talked to the wall everything i typed on my pc was not coming out of my self and felt like i were controlled or something. I ate nothing for months i became super skinny and looked very bad.
But i kept following my voice and my visions and i could walk from morning to evening without hunger orbeing tired.

The voices and visions became stronger and stronger and i started to feel i got instructions from a hihger power.
I tougt Allah swt invited me back to the rigt path and warned me for judgement day.
So i went searching up what would happen on judgementday and i seen these characters that will come.
So i asked it am i isa? It told me, finally you remember who you are. Go tell the world.
So i went on forums telling who i were and you can understand what happened.
I got confused because its impossible my feeling told me.
So i maybe iam this dajjal person. Maybe the power i have now is just the beginning...
I mean try to eat nothing for months maybe a few pieces of bread and only smoke and drink a few glasses of water of a few days. And keep days walking like there is no end.

A friend invited me to eat at his moms home at halloween night.
I agreed and i ate at his home, i didnt like the food but i felt unrespectfull to not just eat and give his momacompliment.

Now things got really weird. I lost my self i felt possesed and sometimes he asked me, do you bekieve in voodoo? I told him no i dont. ?..

After a few days when my surrounding area became freaky and scary he admitted he was a jew.
I told him okay not my problem....

He left and i realised that there was something satanic haooening to me.
I kept showering 20 times a day crying and seeing terryfing visions.
I opened my laptop and i meeded to hear something islamic i bumped into something called roqya
So i started this video and glasses fel on the ground in my house i shaked like really hard i heard things bouncing on my windows and the wind outside was really hard playing that video.
I somehow forced me to start praying again i did woodoo and prayed but i fergot alot of things of prayer but i kept putting my hope in allah i felt he existed and this has to be sheitan or djinn or something.

The next day i decided to be a muslim again but now i got something i got never before.
Islam in my heart. I had no voices anymore no visions only regret and fear for the hereafter.
Psychs tell me it is schizo disorder but i keep telling them this was impossible.
How can come i return back to my faith and god and a voice or visions never touch me again.

However iam back with my oarrents and i am very glad i have bacj my faith who knows i commited suicide as a unbeliever.

But i have serious trouble with doubting allahs mercy on me.
I feel stuck in live not knowing what way i need to go and how i ever give this all a place.
What would you people do in my case.
ave you ever experienced something like this sihr. And what is my punishment for all the things i did ehile being under sihr.

Thank you salam

 

[LaSorcia]

Making dua for you. So sorry for the abuse you experienced at school and the neglect at home. Allah is merciful and kind; He understands when his servants/children are wounded and cannot perform as others would.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Faithbox; and welcome to the forum,

I am so sorry to hear your story, and we can carry the things that happen in our childhood; throughout the rest of our life. You sound as if you have suffered a lot of injustice, this injustice then gives us the right to be angry. But anger eats away at us, anger is like picking up a burning coal with the intention of throwing it at the people who anger you, and the person who gets burned the most is yourself. The longer you hold onto this burning coal of anger, the hotter it becomes. In life, you either turn this anger against other people, which does not seem to be in your nature, or you turn this anger against yourself, as you seem to be doing.

The people who anger you control you, they could even be living a thousand miles away, and they will control what goes on in your head, but you have to give them permission to make you angry and feel the way you do. You should be the only person controlling what goes on in your mind.

Deep down, you seem to have a kind and caring nature, anger does not sit well within in you, hence all the conflict you seem to be suffering, but you have choices.

I truthfully believe that the choices that will bring you closer to Allah, are the choices that help you to forgive the school bullies, your brother and parents. Let go of the anger you feel towards them, more than likely they do not know the harm they have done to you.

If you can come to terms with forgiving them, you will then come to understand how Allah can forgive you. I am only 66, and I have spent many years wrestling with these kind of problems, the more merciful you can become, will be how you find some kind of peace in your mind.

Blessings and prayers,

Eric

 

[Eric H]

Lord grant me the peace and serenity to live with the things I cannot change.
Lord grant me the courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The first line of the prayer means, you can't change the past, you can't change other people, but you need to search for the peace to live with all this conflict.

The second line is to change the things I can, pretty much the only thing you can change, is what goes on in your head, that takes a leap of faith and courage to change yourself.

The wisdom to know the difference is the most important line of the prayer, try and change the things you can' change, this will lead to depression. Change the things you can, and this will lead to peace, search for the good in all people.

Blessings,

Eric

 

[sister herb]

One my non-Muslim friend (she believes the Native American´s the Great Spirit) wrote to me before about the fatal sickness of our one common friend:

"Death is a great evil, not because people are amend from this world but because it leaves behind sadness and depending on the strength of those left behind, they either grow or collapse internally. When they collapse, evil wins."

At the least situation isn´t same with you but as there has been a strong part of evil in your life, the same might fit to you too. Don´t let the evil wins in your mind. Fight back and find the growth.

 

[Faithbox]

Thank you very much for your kind posts so far, may Allah swt grant you guys rewards for advising people in trouble.
i gladly forgave my parrents and brother. I keep my revenge for the day of judgement i promised myself.

I think a big subject in my childhood about islam is the teachings i got about the hereafter.
I got all the info about hell and whats going on there and what the punishments are,

how ever paradise was just a place where you are happy and can get what you want thats it.
So if any parrents are reading this, please give your child a clear explenation about the rewarding system and what they are building with it.
And of course what the protection you get while you are loyal to your religion.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Faithbox;

I keep my revenge for the day of judgement i promised myself.

I am not sure what you mean by this, but my understanding of when we forgive someone, we also ask for Allah to forgive them also. If you can make the following prayer, about the people you need to forgive, it will help you find peace for yourself. Keep their names in mind as you pray...

May the Lord bless you
May the Lord keep you
And may God's face shine upon you always
And give you peace

Blessings

Eric

 

[Faithbox]

Blessings to you to Eric.
I meant with revenge that the Sheitan will be on trial aswell.
and what is better than seeing them being judged by the all mighty.

blessings upon you.

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Faithbox;

Injustice is a terrible thing, often we never find true justice, but we still have to live with the pain.


Last year I listened to a man tell his story, he was about to be signed up to play football with David Beckham at Layton Orient, he had a promising life ahead of him, but he was stabbed in the back. He has been paralyzed from the waist down for the last twenty seven years, his prison is a wheel chair which he will never escape from. They caught the man who did this, he served four years in prison, then was able to walk out of prison on his own two feet. In the eyes of the law, justice had been served, and punishment handed out. But from the confines of a wheelchair, this was not true justice.

He said he fights two diseases; being crippled; and the greater disease; was the anger he held against this man for many years. He learned to drive an adapted car, he found out where his assailant lived, and then stalked him with the intention of running him down.

He came to understand that if he ran him over, he would be as bad as his assailant. He says the meaning of true justice would be that he was never stabbed in the back, but true justice can never happen for him now.

He only started to find some peace when he started to forgive and let go of the anger that was eating away at him. This is a process he has to come to terms with every day being trapped in a wheelchair.

He now gives lectures around the country on the power of forgiveness.

In the spirit of praying for mercy for all people,

Eric

 

[emem]

I was also an unbeliever back then and I was using drugs like weed and was therefore sent to rehab due to almost killing our carpenter because I thought and was having this pictures and visions in my head that all the people in the world even Muslims are killing my family and me including him, so I took his blade while he was working on our garage after was asked to buy something and I cut him a little in the stomach i guess. He threw the grass I was collecting a while ago which I thought was Marijuana and it's grass like a blade grass not weed ha ha. I just thought it was weed because people also call it grass. He he. I was in rehab for 4 months that should have lasted for 6 but I pleaded my mom so I was out after 4. I was even tied up from time to time because of fighting with the tall male nurse on something and mostly because I was choking myself with my 2 hands because I felt ill and I don't want to die with their hands which I thought was true but isn't actually and I was even tied up on the first instance and not welcomed well to enter the facility because I went in the office when we got there and was rude to all the staffs. I thought they were going to kill me and they had already got my parents and I was really shouting like, "Laillaha Ilah Allah Muhammadarasullalah!" :haha:

Then when I was out I stole junk foods and beverages like beer from the store downstairs our condo and I was not praying yet. I was lost. Also, there's something talking inside of me that started on the rehab which was first threatening me but then we became friends and we treat each other like one but then now, he can't control himself anymore and is like evil again. I prayed to Allah(swt) a yesterday and a while ago that i hope it goes away. Inshaallah. I became a believer again after one night, before this a few days ago until that night, my stomach always hurts and I always vomit every time I smoke, and so an angel whispered to me to read the Holy Qur'an and I didn't hesitate and after reading i guess 3 pages I prayed immediately all the 5 prayers I missed that day. It wasn't even complete yet, every prayer because I still don't memorized it especially the Astagfirullah and others afterwards that but now I do and I still have a few to memorize. My mom gave me those prayers I need to memorize by the way. I thank her. May Allah(swt) bless her. :statisfie God bless us all too I hope we all reach Jannah.

 

[Faithbox]

Thats a story you got there brother.
Iam getting pretty obsessed with islamic eschatology.
Sheik imran hosein is someone i recommend you to watch over on youtube.
He gives some clear information for what is about to happen.
Some people only think about well the Mahdi will come and it all will be fine.
But i believe the Malhama/armagedon will take place first.

Its very surprisimg how many subject of our view of the end times have been putted into movies but slightly different. The idea of the Dajjal being around and gog and magog being with billions somewhere under the ground gives life perspective a big twist.

The more you learn about yawm al qiyamah the more imaan you get.
The prophet saw lived 1400 years ago. Some people think thats a very long time ago...
For me thats just 14 souls of a hundred years old, and alot have happened.

 

[Serinity]

We have yet to realise the Mercy of Allah.

I feel happy for you that you came back to Islam.

I think the most common reason why people distance themselves from Islam is because people portray it as harsh, etc. Showing only the punishment side..

But this is wrong.. As a child they need to know about the Love and Mercy of Allah, etc. Not punishments and Dajjal etc.. That is traumatising for a youngster.

May Allah forgive us all for whatever we do of wrong, and guide us to His Mercy. Ameen.