When is it time to give up?

[abdullah_001]

Sister, did you pray isthikhara when the proposal came to your parents? If you did not then you should. And if you did pray isthikhara and the marriage still seems like it is unlikely to happen then with all due respect, dear sis, the person probably wasn't right for you.

 

[abdullah_001]

Sister, did you pray isthikhara when the proposal came to your parents? If you did not then you should. And if you did pray isthikhara and the marriage still seems like it is unlikely to happen then with all due respect, dear sis, the person probably wasn't right for you.

Err, I may have misread the post but my point still stands. If you prayed isthikhara and the marriage didn't happen, then your parents decision was only an after effect regardless of the reason they rejected the proposal. It just wasn't meant to be. Hard to explain...

 

[Najm]

subhanAllah what an extreme view towards marriage.



ONLY a lack of adhaab and shame would make a child pursue a suitor their parents abhor. PERIOD



and im proud to b a mommy's boy, sue me ! :rollseyes


Assalamu Alaikum

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Which part is extreme?

Theres nothing extreme about saying..."Parents happiness comes second. Period. Parents job is to guide, not to enforce." or "Marriage is with 2 spouses NOT Parents and spouse.".

p.s i was generalizing about mummy's boys, hence i wasn't on about you

Lets follow Islam. Islam lets us choose our suitor, parents have a say, and the chirldren have the final say!

The wife is a human being, so she can leanr to adjust and interact with the parents, so they do become happy with her.

FiAmaaniAllah

 

[- IqRa -]

People have given much advice, very long paragraphs of advice, but would they actually do any of this? I doubt it. Its all typing the same things again and again, what would you do if you were in that situation? Think about that and then reply. (No offence to anyone)

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

what the? seriously i dont get some brothers here.

I thought we're talking about scoping out a sister ourselves whilst we know that they possess that which will displease our parents (such as not being the same culture).

OBVIOUSLY we would disagree to marry someone whos lacking greatly in islaam but thats a WHOLE DIFFERENT THING (for one WE DIDNT SCOPE HER OUT!)



why go off-topic? WHY?



red herrings i saY!



Assalamu Alaikum

 

[Re.TiReD]

Daym.

JazakAllah khayr for all the replies. Much appreciated

WassalamuAlaykum

 

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

:salamext:

I've seen some balanced replies, and I've seen some emotional replies. Let's not get upset people.

Ok, I'll speak from my own experience then. From my home country, there are a lot of tribal conflicts. I was given the opportunity to be introduced to someone from a tribe that greatly conflicts with mine, but this person and their family are upon the Sunnah and do not believe in one tribe being superior to another tribe etc., and have no interest in tribes and such. I could have chosen to turn the person down because my father might not have liked the idea, or I could have spoken to him in a calm, humble and kind manner, in the way that I felt would be best to approach him and asked his advice and support if he so wished. I chose the second, and now I'm happily married and my father was and still is extremely happy with my husband, my marriage, my son and his grandson, and all the choices I've made in my marriage up until now. Infact, my father always insists that I've brought him a lot of happiness. Same with my husband's family.

There is no harm in trying, it could actually bring you and your family a lot of happiness. However, I always insisted that I would never even dream of marrying someone that my father was displeased with, and I can see you have the same attitude sister. Parents happiness does not come second, it comes first. Seriously, you have no idea how much trouble your parents went through for you, and you will not know until you become a parent and you will continue to keep learning about these trials every day of your child/ren's life/lives. However, you deserve to be happy too... so try your best to acheive both.

If it is meant to be, it will come to pass. If not, khayr... inshaa'Allaah better things are in store for you. But just remember, that if you give up something for the sake of Allaah, Allaah will grant you better.

 

[Re.TiReD]

Wa'alaykum As-Salaam

JazakAllah khayr for the post sis. I wont comment on it much since its in the main forum, but you're right. Whatever is meant to be will come to pass

Wassalam

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

what the? seriously i dont get some brothers here.
I thought we're talking about scoping out a sister ourselves whilst we know that they possess that which will displease our parents (such as not being the same culture).
OBVIOUSLY we would disagree to marry someone whos lacking greatly in islaam but thats a WHOLE DIFFERENT THING (for one WE DIDNT SCOPE HER OUT!)
why go off-topic? WHY?
red herrings i saY!

Assalamu Alaikum

Bro, even cultural difference falls in the same boat along with a set of parents wanting someone not practicing but rich - it's not a religious based reason at the end of the day, it's cultural. Both are issues in which parents base their view in terms of their cultural outlook - which children who've grown up in the West don't have because they've mixed with so many different races and are open to much more. And I still hold that there is room for taking the time to convince them in this area.

If they disagree on religious grounds, then that is a different story.

 

[Re.TiReD]

If they disagree on religious grounds, then that is a different story.

Which would very rarely be so anyway, since back in the day it was enough for him/her to be praying 5 times a day...everything else came before deen...the dunya status was looked at, how pretty the girl is, what the family is like and how many goats they have back home (ok not really <_<) And if that was the mindset then I dont think its going to change now, deen is almost never a priority for culturaly minded parents so disagreeing on religious grounds from their side would be like totally non-existent unfortunately.

Talking in general btw, my parents would and do take that into account. Alhamdulillah. But sometimes, its the little things that are picked on...making mountains out of molehills wallahi.

 

[- IqRa -]

If they disagree on cultural grounds then in a way they are correct. They think the best for you, so don't argue with that. They think the communication bit for you, what will happen to the children, what culture will they be brought up in, etc. Don't look at it one way.

 

[Re.TiReD]

If they disagree on cultural grounds then in a way they are correct. They think the best for you, so don't argue with that. They think the communication bit for you, what will happen to the children, what culture will they be brought up in, etc. Don't look at it one way.

Each family is different as is each situation. I wont say much but what I will say is that its not always the fact that the person being considered is of a different culture, the problem lies in ones own restricting culture that pleaces far too much emphasis on respect and honour. False honour if you're doing it for the people.

Your children are everything, just give them a chance. Nothing will stop people talking, they'll talk for a while but then move on to the next bit of gossip. Its life

 

[- IqRa -]

I meant for the children that would be produced from this mixed cultural marriage. Which culture will they follow? Which language will they speak? What culture will they be known as? Etc.

 

[Re.TiReD]

I meant for the children that would be produced from this mixed cultural marriage. Which culture will they follow? Which language will they speak? What culture will they be known as? Etc.

Yeah I know what you meant sis, what I was trying to say is that surprisingly that isnt even an issue for *some* parents. The issues that are most important to them are people talking.

 

[Ansariyah]

If the person is worth it don't give up. Parents can come around the thing is our parents just want to torture the poor guy to see if h can do anything for the girl? 'how patient he is'? Good things don't come easy.

 

[Najm]

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

People have given much advice, very long paragraphs of advice, but would they actually do any of this? I doubt it. Its all typing the same things again and again, what would you do if you were in that situation? Think about that and then reply. (No offence to anyone)

I though about it. And yes i would that in that situation. And by no means nobody said anything wrong, its good advice, depending on which stance you take.

what the? seriously i dont get some brothers here.

I thought we're talking about scoping out a sister ourselves whilst we know that they possess that which will displease our parents (such as not being the same culture).

OBVIOUSLY we would disagree to marry someone whos lacking greatly in islaam but thats a WHOLE DIFFERENT THING (for one WE DIDNT SCOPE HER OUT!)


why go off-topic? WHY?



red herrings i saY!



Assalamu Alaikum

A Me too, i get them either! I would try my upper most to please my parents. Its depends what you mean by pleasing. Like some parents are displeased that they didnt choose in the 1st place. Some parents dont want to let the children go. Some complain about so and so having, low status or the girl is not beautiful enough which would bring "shame" on family!! Others just worry about "what people would say" this and that and the other. They dont actually consider!

If the spouse lacks in Islam, isnt' mature, isnt' ready for marriage, looking after kids, if they cant fulfil the basic requirements etc, then i understand the parents are being displeased.

Lets put culture to oneside.

:salamext:

I've seen some balanced replies, and I've seen some emotional replies. Let's not get upset people.

Ok, I'll speak from my own experience then. From my home country, there are a lot of tribal conflicts. I was given the opportunity to be introduced to someone from a tribe that greatly conflicts with mine, but this person and their family are upon the Sunnah and do not believe in one tribe being superior to another tribe etc., and have no interest in tribes and such. I could have chosen to turn the person down because my father might not have liked the idea, or I could have spoken to him in a calm, humble and kind manner, in the way that I felt would be best to approach him and asked his advice and support if he so wished. I chose the second, and now I'm happily married and my father was and still is extremely happy with my husband, my marriage, my son and his grandson, and all the choices I've made in my marriage up until now. Infact, my father always insists that I've brought him a lot of happiness. Same with my husband's family.

There is no harm in trying, it could actually bring you and your family a lot of happiness. However, I always insisted that I would never even dream of marrying someone that my father was displeased with, and I can see you have the same attitude sister. Parents happiness does not come second, it comes first. Seriously, you have no idea how much trouble your parents went through for you, and you will not know until you become a parent and you will continue to keep learning about these trials every day of your child/ren's life/lives. However, you deserve to be happy too... so try your best to acheive both.

If it is meant to be, it will come to pass. If not, khayr... inshaa'Allaah better things are in store for you. But just remember, that if you give up something for the sake of Allaah, Allaah will grant you better.

SubhaanAllah! I really admire you post and advice as well as speaking from you own experience.

I want to stand corrected. I said "Parents happiness comes second". I never said the negative i.e that the parents happiness "doesnt count". The parents happiness counts. It does always. But it doesnt mean the children give up everything for the happiness. NO children would go out of their way to hurt their parents.

And when you mean "its meant to be", i hope you mean that the person does give it a go, rather just accepting whatever their parents say.

P.s i would speak about my own experience, but we are on a public forum, so all im going to say is, it was a similar experience to yours, but ended in the negative.

I place my trust in Allah Subhana WaTa'aala.

FiAmaaniAllah

 

[S_87]

I meant for the children that would be produced from this mixed cultural marriage. Which culture will they follow? Which language will they speak? What culture will they be known as? Etc.

These things arent really a problem, if both speak english then their kids can speak english too..?

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

These things arent really a problem, if both speak english then their kids can speak english too..?

yeah that stuff is minor


all i say is if we can get around hurtin parents why go thru it


nothing more - nothing less

say eeevery suitor your parents got was unislamic and every islamic suitor you proposed was rejected, then we'd have a problem.

but i doubt that will ever happen really, not if you been making those tahajjud dua's and having nice discussions !



heh or maybe i dream too much?


Assalamu Alaikum

 

[Banu_Hashim]

If they said no first time round, then I might be more persistent, but I'm not sure. I think I'd be a little hesitant, as it might make me look a bit stupid to being said no to again, and again etc. It depends... if it's the parents and not the potential spouse saying the no then it's different.

 

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

[
And when you mean "its meant to be", i hope you mean that the person does give it a go, rather just accepting whatever their parents say.

P.s i would speak about my own experience, but we are on a public forum, so all im going to say is, it was a similar experience to yours, but ended in the negative.

:wasalamex

JazaakAllaah Khayr for your response. If you look at my first post in this thread, I said:

I'd advice you to pray salaat al-istikhaarah, then try your best to get your parents to give the brother a chance. If it doesn't happen, then you know it wasn't meant to be. Allaahu A'lam.

So yes, I meant that she should 'give it a go', in a way that would not upset her parents ofcourse... if that can be avoided.

Sorry about your experience. Perhaps there was some evil to come out of that marriage that Allaah saved you from. May Allaah grant you a righteous, compatible spouse.