When you need help but nobody bothers to help you, what do you do?

[Amoeba]

I have several issues I need help on in life.

None of the sisters seem to spare a moment to teach me how to pray, as I can't learn it by myself due to my learning problems I can't learn something from a book, for example, I need someone there to correct me. They offer, but when it comes down to it they make themselves unavailable.

I need to spend a lot of time amongst practising muslims to get to know how I must practice too. I'm sure there's a lot of essential things I've never even heard of yet. But again, when it comes down to it, either they only spend time with me for leisure time (even though the arrangement was to learn) or they are too busy.

I need to find out how I can get married. But again, nobody is helping me, not even the mother of the man I am... or was... getting married to. When it comes to trying to arrange it, nobody is helping me at all. It's like I'm having to try to get it done all by myself. This man's mother even has the nerve to get annoyed at me as to why we haven't moved forward in getting married and I'm like WTF WOMAN?! AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS ALL BY MYSELF?! Not to mention I can't even figure out where to start.

I need help with psychological issues, but from an Islamic perspective. A lot of the mental problems I'm having are related directly to coping with adjusting to Islam and I fear that if I were to go see a psychologist or whoever they might say that Islam is unhealthy for me. They might tell me it's okay to do the things that Allah forbids that western society see as completely acceptable. Again, I can't find anyone anywhere who can offer any advice and I feel like I'm going madder and madder. I tried asking at the masjid but there was nobody to talk to for women, none of the men were willing to give me advice me because I'm a woman.

Most of all, there were many sisters I met who offered to spend time with me and help me as a new muslim or even just be there as company. But I still feel very lonely because now they only contact me if they need something from me, like an extra hand at doing something, not to help me, and when I do help them, they still don't help me. I don't like the chattiness either, talking about irrelevant and unimportant things, when I have too many important things swirling in my mind to really care about the unimportant things.

I feel like I'm moving backwards and not forwards. Although I'm still trying to learn how to practice, I feel like I can't focus on anything any more. I'm not retaining any information any more. I'm starting to lose my senses too. I just don't feel much any more, especially for others. My mind has been playing tricks on me, I keep seeing black and white dots zooming past me in the corner of my eye or sometimes even clearer than that, they sometimes make me flinch. I am starting to see weird flashes and colours. Sometimes I'll be doing something too and suddenly I'll lose all sense of who, where and what I am and it takes a few seconds to realise where I am and what I was just doing, it'll be accompanied by a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. My grandmother suspects I may also be sleepwalking which I have never, ever done before (I suffer from sleep paralysis which is the opposite, I can't move even as I'm waking up). Two nights my grandma woke up to find the front door unlocked as if someone had gone outside, but I don't recall ever going out during the night.

Is it possible that I just don't deserve it? Am I too far gone, has Allah decided to stop guiding me? Although I have the desire to be closer to Allah, perhaps I haven't been trying hard enough to really deserve it?

 

[Woodrow]

Ukhti,

I wish there was a nice easy simple answer for this. But I do not know of any and to be honest I do not know if I can even be of any help.

But I did notice that sadly this happens all too often, the biggest cause seems to be fear. People tend to be afraid of teaching very basic essentials as they are afraid they may make an error.

The best you can do from your side is not get discouraged and keep asking questions. Once people discover you are truly serious and sincerely seek help in learning some good sisters will come forward and offer real help instead of just a token expression of saying they will help. forgive those who are being negligent in helping you. They do not know that their inaction is causing you deep pain.

 

[marwen]

When you need help but nobody bothers to help you, what do you do?

- try to learn by yourself with any means : books, videos, lectures, etc.. Until you find someone learned enough to correct what you learned by yourself.
- don't rely only on forums or websites.
- try to go to islamic schools or communities where they offer islamic classes. Make 'hijra' (to places where there is enough muslims) if you don't find any way to learn in your place.
- Allah will not punish you if you truly believe in Him but your knowledge was limited because no one helped you.

May Allah make things easy for you coz you have a sincere will to learn.

 

[Amoeba]

My main problem right now is my lack of ability to retain any information. I need psychological help from an Islamic perspective. I'm also not sound enough of mind to travel alone. I've been seeing things, losing sense of where I am and possibly wandering in my sleep (unless it's my grandmother who's been sleepwalking?).

I would like to make hijra but I don't trust myself to keep myself safe. I'm very incompetent and don't know how to look after myself properly because I led a very sheltered childhood and my parents never taught me anything.

But yeah I get the message. Don't rely on forums, in other words, you're annoying us, go away. Okay. I'm going.

 

[marwen]

But yeah I get the message. Don't rely on forums, in other words, you're annoying us, go away. Okay. I'm going.

I didn't mean that. I said don't rely ONLY on forums. I mean forums can get you started with islam, and give you an introduction and concise answers to some questions about islam. But I don't think you can totally learn Islam by forums.

 

[marwen]

Another point is that you have to learn islam step by step. Don't feel depressed if you find some difficulties in the start, especially if islam have a different culture and terminologies different from your original culture and way of life.

Also, no one can assure that he is 100% learned about islam. Even the most learned scholars, even the sahaba. The only person who's knowledge isn't questionnable is the Prophet Muhammed PBUH, the rest of humans may ignore some parts of islam, may ignore or forget a hadeeth or a 'daleel', etc.

So the point is : try to learn islam gradually, and keep in mind that you will be always learning new things in the rest of your life.

 

[glo]

My main problem right now is my lack of ability to retain any information.

Have you tried using flash cards with written bullet points or even pictures or spoken (recorded) instructions? Most of us have our own preferred methods of learning - some by reading, others by looking at pictures or other visual information, others by observing or doing something themselves.
Find out whichever helps you best to memorise.

This test will tell you what kind of learner you are. There is a link at the bottom to show you how best to use your own learning style.
(I don't know how old you are. This test is clearly aimed a school children, but is hopefully still helpful.)

This site might be useful too.

I need psychological help from an Islamic perspective. I'm also not sound enough of mind to travel alone. I've been seeing things, losing sense of where I am and possibly wandering in my sleep (unless it's my grandmother who's been sleepwalking?).

Have you received any other psychological help or support?

I would like to make hijra but I don't trust myself to keep myself safe. I'm very incompetent and don't know how to look after myself properly because I led a very sheltered childhood and my parents never taught me anything.

I suggest you learn to walk before you run.
Don't put yourself under too much stress too soon!

But yeah I get the message. Don't rely on forums, in other words, you're annoying us, go away. Okay. I'm going.

Don't go. You are very welcome here!

 

[glo]

Amoeba, try to remember that there will always be times when other human beings will let you down or hurt your feelings - whether intentionally or not.
None of us are perfect.
Sometimes we make promises which we fail to keep.
Sometimes we are careless or selfish.

Try to forgive people when they fail you or disappoint you ...

Only God is perfect. And he will never let you down! :statisfie

 

[Al-Mufarridun]

Ukhti,

I wish there was a nice easy simple answer for this. But I do not know of any and to be honest I do not know if I can even be of any help.

But I did notice that sadly this happens all too often, the biggest cause seems to be fear. People tend to be afraid of teaching very basic essentials as they are afraid they may make an error.

The best you can do from your side is not get discouraged and keep asking questions. Once people discover you are truly serious and sincerely seek help in learning some good sisters will come forward and offer real help instead of just a token expression of saying they will help. forgive those who are being negligent in helping you. They do not know that their inaction is causing you deep pain.

I agree with this. May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.

The relationship you have with Allah(swt) is a personal relationship, never let the short-comings of others to discourage you from getting closer to your Creator. You said perhaps you're not trying hard enough, to the contrary i think you might be trying too hard and the frustrations you're having might also be effecting you physically. Insha'Allah take it easy a little bit, avoid negative thoughts, know that all negative thoughts come from Shaytan. Constantly seek Allah(swt) help and assistance, He(swt) will never forsake His servants who call out to him with Sincerity.

As brother Woodrow said, there isn't a simple answer to your situation. But if i was to advice you one thing it would be;

When you need help but nobody bothers to help you, turn to Allah(swt) and seek His help.

Allah will Suffice! Allah will Suffice! Allah will Suffice!

 

[aadil77]

Forget everyone else if they're not willing to help, some people can be selfish or just plain lazy.

Rely on Allah and He'll show you the way

Here's something to read and recite:

"Hasbunallahu wa ni`mal Wakil'' [Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us).]'' (3:173).

 

[Hannah.]

Make dua, lots and lots of sincere duas
Dua is a weapon of a believer, and there is no dua that Allah SWT leaves unaccepted. SuhanAllah!

 

[Neelofar]

Patience! That is your key! oh and baby steps too! Don't feel as though everyone is against you, that's shaytaan trying to misguide you, he'll be dancing with joy if you feel as though Allah (swt) has given up on you! Never! This is merely a test, in time you'll realise this has made your faith even stronger. As Glo said, only God is perfect and he will never let you down, so keep steadfast in prayer, you don't need anyones help apart from Allah and keep making dua

 

[nature]

amoeba, Ive read a lot of your posts, & picked up on the frustration, you must be feeling as islam is pretty new to you. 4get everything else for the time being, and just perfect your salah, and concentrate on the 5 pillars, everything else will come slowly. I think your being way 2 hard on yourself. as 4 the teaching thing im not suprised, i think some people can be quite arrogant, and dont like passing on knowledge ive no idea why ? but ive come across people like that. there are some snobby sisters out there, i come across loads like that at work on a daily basis.

as for learning you cant be expected to learn/know everything at once, so dont be so hard on yourself, & give yourself a break. There are people that can equipp themselves with knowledge on their own, if no1 wants to help you, then try and help yourself through aids available to you. thats wat i do and you can too, just, dont get 2 disheartened & try 2 pick yourself up quickly.

Im a bit like you, and have trouble remembering things, what about keeping a notebook handy ? in your handbag ? it helps me wen im trying to remember words for dhikr, or i usually just write them in my fone. I also stick things on my wall at home, as prompts.

for salah, you can get beginner books, that give you step by step instructions & i myself have used this and found it really helpful.

4 learning short duas, i usually just download them on my mp3 and learn that way. Give it a go and see if it works for you ?

also are you a student ? or worker ? surely there must be some muslim sisters willing to help you a little ? what about trying another masjid within your area ? do not let unhelpful people put you off, from seeking knowledge. sometimes you have to struggle a little, but you will get there, just hang in there, it does get easier.

Also if your not used to doing things for yourself, like travelling alone, then thats something you need to try and overcome.

also more importantly, make lots and lots of dua, and ask allah to make things easy for you and to grant you a good memory.

:wa:

 

[Alpha Dude]

Assalamu Alaykum

May Allah guide and make things easy for you sister. I hope you haven't left this forum. I think you are letting yourself feel offended over things that have not necessarily been said with any negative intent.

I would like to make hijra but I don't trust myself to keep myself safe. I'm very incompetent and don't know how to look after myself properly because I led a very sheltered childhood and my parents never taught me anything.

I wouldn't advise hijra unless you took such action with your husband (if you get married). So relax and don't worry about that yet.

But yeah I get the message. Don't rely on forums, in other words, you're annoying us, go away. Okay. I'm going.

I don't believe there is anyone here who finds your posts annoying. Personally, I've always found your cries for help to be very sincere and from the heart. Nobody can fault that.

Is it possible that I just don't deserve it? Am I too far gone, has Allah decided to stop guiding me? Although I have the desire to be closer to Allah, perhaps I haven't been trying hard enough to really deserve it?

Of course not sister. You do deserve guidance and you're not far gone. Just keep striving and doing everything in your own ability to please Allah the best you know how and take as much positive action that you can in order to learn what you don't know. Be patient, Allah will open doors for you if you peservere and trust in him. It may not happen instantaneously but gradually you'll grow in knowledge and iman/faith.

I hope you the best.

 

[Ummshareef]

Assalamu Aleykum sister,
I have read your posts and feel sad for you. But don't despair, Allah subhana wa ta'alaa is watching over you and every thing that happens to you is part of his plan. Have faith that everything will come right in due course, insha'allah. In the meantime, remain steadfast in your salah and try to spend lots of time reading the Qu'ran, even if you can't retain it just at the moment. Try to increase your sunnah and nafl salah and make lots of dua. Fasting Mondays and Thursdays is also a great way to lift your Emaan. Will remember you in my duas, insha'allah.

 

[M.I.A.]

i think this is a time for you to remove anything from your head that will affect your life later, would you really want to marry somebody and then heap your psychological problems on them?
at least you understand that you are not in the correct frame of mind, learn to become competant so you can better aid your relationships.. nobody is self sufficient so dont be too hard on yourself.

if your friends use your company as a time of enjoyment then you cant be that bad..what they are like i do not know. lets face it.. normality is subjective.

i hope you have learned prayer as it is proven to bring a person clarity of mind or subdue thoughts even if it is for a few moments.

patients is key, in the hope that it guides you to the best of understanding.

they write that on wedding cards sometimes.

 

[sherz_umr]

hi amoeba..i duno how mch of what i type wil sound islamic,but i hope it helps.
Evn i had and once in awhile experience slp paralysis and i understnd the horrifying ordeal u go through. It mainly happens when ur terribly guilty or afraid.
Sleep on your side as much as you can and never on your back. Thts what sets off the hallucinations and panic attacks.
Stop whatever behaviour is causing you guilt. Stop being afraid. God is someone you love..he is merciful and understanding. I feel tht you imagine him to be an angry,unforgiving being and hence the haste/apprehension to learn evrythn at a shot. Learning about religion is a life long process. Nobdy is perfect. So enjoy the experience of your search for truth. dont view it as a burden. It may lead to disapointment and god forbid, hate.

 

[sherz_umr]

ths is hw smbdy i know learnt to pray..(arabic is a foreign language for her.she can read,repeat..bt cant undrstand).
Her dad got her a quran (english translation) from a mosque (its free in UAE.)
prayer mat from boyfriend.
Oversized prayer cloths of her batchmate that she stiched up where ever necessary.
A friend who went for hajj got her a tiny illustrated (how to pray)book.
She bought a notebook and wrote and studied whatever she couldnt memorize by reading. If she forgot anythng during prayer..she dint loose it.she carried on and finishd it. Then shed pray for forgivness.
Her friends used to watch her take wodhu.she hd stuck the procedure written on a bit of paper behnd the bathroom door.
Perfect your prayer first.
Be thankful that you have belief. Thats what most people struggle with..disbelief,doubt etc.
Learn relaxatn techniques,breathing exercises or write diary entries (about what all u did,simple spiritual accomplishments etc) to keep track and motivate you. By the end you can say 'im a self made woman'.
remember that you are striving to be a better person..god will help.have faith.
Oh..keep a notepad with you and write down the things you forget.repeat revise when free.

 

[AslamP]

It was really sad reading your post, please, tell me how can I help you? If you need books or answers to particular questions in Islam, please direct them on the forum, it's a good start. You said you were seeing things, could you elaborate, thank you. The dots and flashes you are seeing, is it like a zigzag pattern or a white flash of light at the side of your eye? If so, lack of vitamin B12 does that, also if you have low blood sugars from diabetes, then it happens, too.

 

[flowergarden]

Salaam Wa Alakium sister,
I understand what you are going through because I was in your shoes. I had to learn how to pray by myself, no one teach me much about Islam, and it made me sad and lonely.
I do recommend joining the Islamic group at your school or mosque. I feel that the sisters there will be more involved in helping you feel just right to where you are in islam.

Allah bless you and may Allah help you in all your hardships.