Why do I have constant urge to seduce men?

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Asalamualykum,

Don't use your father's neglect as a justification for your bad ways. I completely understand why your saying it but you need to turn your experience into a positive one.

After puberty we are all responsible for our own actions. Your not in a good mental state of being so why expose yourself to more danger?

Seriously take time out for yourself and heal your wounds through the beauty of Islam. Islam has all the answers and when we choose to ignore our problems escalate.

This dunya is full of evil and temptations and sometimes we feel our souls will feel complete if we go down the path of sin but it destroys us even more.

Take time out and definitely listen to the above lectures.

May Allah be with you and protect you Ameen.
 
Perhaps the reason that you think you don't care that a man is trying to take advantage of you dear sister, is because Allah has protected you from it up until now.


It's very concerning that you are happy to accept love and attention even if it is insincere. If you know it is insincere and that they are most likely using you as a replaceable ego stroke, how does that serve to bolster your self esteem? Most people would feel disrespected at the prospect of being regarded casually and would not accept mere crumbs of attention. You are worth more than that. Maybe you don't feel you are worthy of being genuinely loved?


I'm not sure how young or old you are, but you can no longer blame your father for who you are sister. Let go of the idea that the reason you are doing this is because of your father. You can reflect on the past to gain understanding, but you have to take complete responsibility and accept accountability for your decisions and choices.


The problem when we depend on others to validate us, is that when we are invariably rejected or we don't receive the attention we think we deserve, it impacts our self esteem enormously. Because our feelings of self worth are so dependant on how others perceive us. As your feelings of self esteem drop further you will go back to men to make you feel worthy again and prove yourself. It's a vicious cycle.


In my case, to a large degree I think it is just in my nature to desire male attention, to want to express my femininity and the thrill of being able to charm any man. But also, I don't believe I experienced the feeling of unconditional love from my mother that most children do. There's also the added factor of having grown up observing hijab in a western culture, and not being able to express your sexuality whilst every one else is. As well as the fact that after a while it simply becomes a compulsive addiction and a form of escapism.

However, these are all secondary factors, the primary cause being that my Emaan was weak because at no point was I unaware that what I was doing was haraam. But like you I seemed to suffer from some oversight about the potential harm of it. After all, I'm only chatting online behind a screen, it's not as if it's zina was my rationalisation. But any sin if you persist upon it will have a greater cumulative effect and will compromise your relationship with Allah, the one thing we need to vigilantly safeguard. Don't wait until then to realise what you are getting in to.

It's normal to desire male attention or to even get jealous at the prospect of 'competition'. That is completely normal. What is not healthy is your dependancy on men to feel any sense of self worth and your willingless to be disrespected.
 
:bism:

:sl:

Hi, welcome to the board. I am sympathetic to your situation and to some extent can even understand your desire to be known or acknowledged. That said, as others have advised, we have to be careful about getting ourselves into situations that are spiritually harmful for us and other persons.

To be honest, your posts did disappoint me, because I do not like the idea of you acting the part of an online femme fatale as even in Islamic chat-rooms you are dealing with real human beings, people who have hearts, backgrounds, struggles, dispositions, and striving for imaan much like you and do not want or expect their hearts to be broken. My sheikh (Islamic teacher) (may Allah bless him) had maintained that Allah forgives anything or anyone but never likes for any servant of His SWT to break someone's heart, and that is exactly what you're doing, whether your own or someone else's in this hollow process of searching for meaning.

That said, I like the fact that you've acknowledged this search for validation and meaning from men as problematic, as admitting to having a problem is the first step to being able to correct the problem. That said, please do search other halal means to finding validation, and others have given you wonderful advice about volunteering or doing other healthy activities which can increase you in the self-esteem you seek without haram means.

Also, I noticed something which I found disturbing in your post, which is that you profess the same views on any given subject as these men to get them to notice you. This is obviously a problem, because this shows me that you have no confidence in yourself to be able to be yourself and do not believe that your own uniqueness in personality can attract people. Believe me, this might "fly" online to some degree but in real life people will be able to sense an inauthentic aura or personality to you and will be put off. So, please do not do this as I believe in the motto of "it is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." More importantly, as a woman, I want every girl and woman to have the kind of confidence in herself that she can express herself without trying to mold herself into anyone's idea of what or who she should be.

In-sha-Allah, struggling against yourself in these harmful egoistic desire will garner you Allah's everlasting pleasure; so, please do not stop striving against yourself as Allah's pleasure is infinitely preferable to the pleasure of any or even many men.

Take care, sweetie.

:wa:
 
Assalamu ALaikum

I'm unsure if the account will allow you to message me, but if you can feel free to. I'm unsure if you are already a member on this page or not, but you can always create another account, or message me from yours if you already have one and are comfortable enough to do so.
 
I relapsed and went back on the chat rooms to seduce men. I feel like a loser and a worthless human being. I was feeling really down because my father said so many hurtful things to me and was verbally abusive towards me, so I went back there to feel wanted and worthy, to compensate the harshness I received from my father. I know what I did is completely wrong, and I'm not justifying it, but I'm very very weak and have difficulties controlling my urge to seduce men.

BeTheChange- I did start watching the lectures, but I haven't finished watching them all. I was very busy lately so didn't have time, but I bookmarked the lectures to watch them later In Sha Allah.

I understand that using my fathers behaviour is not an excuse, but when he treats me badly, I feel so down and low and I hate myself, so I don't care about anything and start going on the chat rooms to feel better. It's a cycle and I'm trying to battle not going on these chat rooms, but I'm totally addicted to it and keep relapsing.

Pricklypear- I would rather receive attention and love that is fake and insincere, over the verbal abuse and hurtful things my father says to me. I hate myself and feel like a total loser, so I don't really care if men use me, because I'm worthless and insignificant.

Whilst I was growing up, so in my early teens something traumatic/ hurtful happened to me. It was a really difficult thing to go through, and it was like a worst nightmare. I had difficulties accepting it and would cry secretly daily when Id go to bed. That incident made me hate myself and I felt like an object. I felt worthless and used, and had a really hard time coping and accepting what happened. So since that experience, I feel negativity about myself and don't care if men use me to take advantage of me, because I dont consider myself worthy and valued. I was tearing as I wrote this.

Search- I act like a femme fatale because in real life, no man will accept me once he sees the real me. If men know about my past, they would reject me and judge me. I feel like a loser and really cheap. I think to myself, that if no man in real life would love or accept me, I'd get that from elsewhere, which I do, to make myself feel better, adequate and worthy.

I posses knowledge in a lot of things and men really admire that. I be myself for the majority of times and don't fake being someone I'm not. It's just that when I admire a certain man, I show interest in the topics he likes and try to engage in it, to get closer to him and impress him. Also, I realise men do the same thing to me. I feel like some of the men admire me and start talking about the topics I like, so they can get closer to me. I know this is wrong, but I'm messed up.

I do have confidence in myself at times, but I go through many phases where it just goes in the dumps. My fathers treatment towards me coupled with the incident that I undergone in my early teens kind of explains my behaviour and why I'm craving that urge to seduce men and wanting their attention.

*charisma* Thank you
 
Asalamualykum sister,

I understand where you are coming from sister. Any child it doesn't matter how old you are you will always want your mothers and fathers approval and acceptance and if you don't feel the love at home it is only natural to look for that love elsewhere sis. I understand where you are coming from. We are all human beings and we all want to be loved and appreciated for our own unique characters and personalities.

Parents praise does wonders to a childs/adult confidence and in particular getting praise from our dads because they rarely speak or praise the child.

Sister is there any chance you can speak to your dad and have a one to one? Do you think he will take your concerns seriously and change his ways?

Who is greater than our mothers and our fathers? Who is greater than our families? Who is greater than our friends? Who is greater than our worldly role models?

Am sure you know the answer to this sis. It is Allah swt. Allah swt loves you more than your mum. Can you comprehend this sis? I know when i think about it it brings me to tears because we can never show our appreciation to Allah swt. No matter how hard we try.

You know i read somewhere that men's weakness is the eyes and women's weakness is the ears and this is exactly your situation sis. Your ears are getting the better of you and what is worse you know from your heart the words bear no significance and are not true. The men you are chatting with can never replace the void you have in your life.

Your already emotionally broken don't let anyone break you more sis. Quit everything and grow your dependence on Allah swt. Speak to Allah in your heart and mind and you can reach out to Allah swt 24/7.

Instead of hitting the chat rooms have a conversation with Allah swt and you will feel so much better for it. Try it sis.

Maybe start reducing your time in these chat rooms day by day and then have a plan to quit. In sha Allah.

If you need to reach out to someone when you are weak feel free to let me know. If your in the UK am happy to exchange numbers. You don't need to reveal anything about you. We don't need to talk over the phone. We can just text and in sha Allah, i'll help you if Allah swt wills.

May you be emotionally and psychologically strong sis Ameen.
 
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Salaam alaikum Honey,

I feel your pain. While I may not desire the need of the attention of all men, there is this one man that I am dying for him to notice me. Too bad he's already in love with someone else. I feel jealous sometimes but I am managing my feelings. If you don't mind my asking how is your relationship with your parents? your father in particular? there is some research that says that women who don't have fullfilling relationships with their parents of either gender seek it in relationships with people of the opposite genders.

I know that this attention from men feels good at the beginning but believe me you will just feel like you are item tossed and thrown away. Please my sister don't fall for them, you will regret it so bad.

I hope this helps
My prayers are with you.
 
Salam sis. Your observation seems correct. You need a psycho-therapy..May Allah make it easy to you
 
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BeTheChange- thank you for your kind words and for helping me out. I'm not able to have a one on one with my dad, it's impossible and out of the question. He rarely speaks to me one on one, actually never is a better word. He seems extremely uncomfortable to speak to me privately and that will be awkward for both of us.

I'll give you an example to show you what I mean. Normally, if my father wants to speak to me to tell me something such as advice, he will call me to come to him then tell me to call my mother as well so she can also be with us and so he can be able to speak to me. If my mother is busy doing something and can't come, I tell that to my father. He then tells me go and come back when my mother is with me. So if my mother isn't with me, he won't talk to me. He dosent feel comfortable and speaking to me alone. He never initiate conversations with me about anything, so I never ask him things like how are you dad, how's your day, etc. I can never speak to him normally and freely about my day to day life and my feelings. He himself doesn't ever start speaking to me unless my mother is with me. If he ever does chat with me one on one its usually rare and it's serious and related to something important, hardly anything about my wellbeing, feelings and such.

so now you can see why I want attention from men and go on chat boards to seduce them. It's because my father dosent talk to me and isn't there for me to hear my concerns and anything else. He also constantly belittles me by name calling me and sometimes uses hurtful words like calling me dirty or even a dog. He also makes so many bad duas on me, I've never heard him make a good dua for me. He's extremely foul mouthed as well. This can also explain why I go on chat boards to seduce men, so I can in return hear something pleasant and to feel good about myself, compared to the nasty things my father tells me. I feel like I'm fake and living a double life.

sometimes when my father tells me bad things and swears at me, I feel really low and down and start hating men. I at times feel like seducing men and have a high urge, but at times it's really low and I feel that I'm worthless and think sobbegar
I live in Sweden so I'm unable to exchange numbers. When I do feel weak I can come on here and speak to you, hope you don't mind.

Thanks to the other people, but marriage isn't a solution at the moment and do is psychotherapy, I also won't be able to go.
 
Salam sis. You have a very unhealty relation with your father and it is caused by your father not yourself and this disturbs you so much . This is a dilemma unfortunately. The best a psychotherapy can solve this. However, if you are not able to go that is sad. Your second option is to tell it to your mother. She may correct your father. Best Regards
 
Yesterday I went to a mixed wedding in which my father forced me to attend. He was sitting with me at the table which had all woman on it. Anyway he started acting so nice to me in front of the ladies and he was also speaking really kindly to them. He started yo tell me to go give salam to the bride. It wasn't suitable for me to go up to her and give her salam because she was busy getting photographed. He then scram at me and looked anytime at me angrily.

After we we got home he started complaining yo my mother about my behaviour. He started saying bad words to me and even made bad dua against me and started criticising me. I felt so hurt but there's nothing I can do to change his behaviour.
 
Salam sister. Your father has psychological problems. Make dua for him. This will also help you. Dua is the key.
 

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