Why is getting Married so Difficult....

[Imam]

Just because its easy for you, doesn't mean it's easy for the next person! Parents DO make it difficult and I know this because I'm starting to see it with my mother....:/ Her list includes a dude with a silly PhD, good paying job and then DEEN. Basically she'd be rejecting half the population of bros that are practising and she doesnt seem to mind that. I've given her examples of nice bros and she rejects one after another...I'm gunna lose my mind.

peace

It seems you would generalize your case and the way your parents approach the matter with the whole Pakistani community...that is simply not true...I met dozens of Pakistanis,Indians,Bangladeshi,North Africans etc.... and I had discussions with all regarding such specific point and found out that the same reason for the trouble in marriage is similar in all the developing world ,is not what your parents do ..it is what I mentioned before ....none ever told me the obstacle for marriage for most the population there is that parents would view their daughter as the princess who should win the best knight !! and your case(and some others too) with your mother by no mean represents the general rule....(most
parents would welcome any proposal of marriage from a good guy has the minimum requirements of marriage)......

well, that is my opinion and you have yours ..and the matter doesn't deserve argument at all .

peace for all

 

[S_87]

Subhanallah, what planet do you live on? I would like to visit.

seriously there are many many many single sisters and brothers out there looking to get married so it is definitely not a case of there being no women/men bring available...Maybe the problem is we set our standards too high/we look for someone perfect in every way/theres loads of reasons but there ARE one the other hand many people also getting married. it is a matter of where u look...finding a suitor is not in itself all that difficult

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

I never generalized anyone, please tell me where i did that dude? I never said this was the ruling majority either! My point was tackling what you guys claim to be "hardly" the case, which is definitely not true. Please dont make stuff up as if I actually said it! I dont really care what people have told you to be quite frank, as I'm not claiming what exists as compared to another. The only person doing that is yourself. I just wont let silly comments pass by. I'm letting you know both sides exist. Thats all.

Oh and u can't claim to know which exists more than another. As many people might say what you did while many others will say most parents hold aspirations too high. All in all, you don't know. The only way you would know is if you actually spoke to every single parent on this planet, which I highly doubt.

 

[Imam]

I never generalized anyone, please tell me where i did that dude?

A parents definition of suitable varies. Most have expectations too HIGH

well, I think we arrived at the point of our discussion to be over...

thanx and
all the best

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Thats not generalizing. you claimed I was generalizing Pakistanis which I didnt, so you didnt answer my question. But anyway I think im talking to a wall here...Allahu Must'aan.

Oh btw, that line u quoted was a mistake on my part. I should have said there are parents, so my bad for that.

Anyways I'm done now.

 

[convert]

seriously there are many many many single sisters and brothers out there looking to get married so it is definitely not a case of there being no women/men bring available...Maybe the problem is we set our standards too high/we look for someone perfect in every way/theres loads of reasons but there ARE one the other hand many people also getting married. it is a matter of where u look...finding a suitor is not in itself all that difficult

Ok I don't have much of any standards beyond deen, and even then I'm not one of those hard brothers. I have consistently been humiliated and dismissed throughout the process. So, I reiterate: what planet do you live on? Perhaps someone from there will marry me?

 

[Sahabiyaat]

Her list includes a dude with a silly PhD, good paying job and then DEEN

well....atleast shes choosing something good for you.......Im presented with one argument ; 'were related'. end of story.


ok brother imam, me and sis light of heaven come from a certain percentage (not sure how much, but its certainly a diminishing number as you say, because the people i speak to seem to find this practice ridiculous), of those pakistani unfortunates whose parents think like this.and it sucks.

the last thing on our minds is the bloody credit crunch!

 

[Yanal]

It might also be that you are lazy and think a so called perfect sister will walk up to you and ask if you want to marry her. I think not,if your doing nothing but asking us,I guess now you know the problem,get the laziness shrugged off and start peaking your nose around.

Btw is that the problem? Expand on your question please.

 

[أبو سليمان عمر]

ALL you need is sabr and to look when it is time you will get married inshallah akhi you are not the one who has be dismissed i wont say humiliated becasue it happens and nothing humiliating about it so dua look and sabr inshallah all will be well

 

[Banu_Hashim]

I think it's actually harder in the western countries... where everyone's thinking the same thing.. "It's soo hard to get married" (which true to an extent), whereby no one moves forward in the marriage process. Maybe it's because parents/relatives set so many unrealistic criteria ?

 

[Intisar]

I'm a Somali too, and I'm not a Uni grad but a student. I'm barely 19, and being a Somali I'm sure you know the tradition of the oldest daughter having to get married first. Well, it took my mother some convincing to allow her to let me get married early, and I explained everything to her and my family even helped.

My tips are keeping your options open, asking for help from family, and making it known that you want to get married. I don't wanna sound weird or anything, but shoot, if you even mention the mere fact that you're a Uni grad I'm sure you won't have any problems inshaAllaah (with finding a wife). Be patient and reliant on Allaah swt, after all marriage (like everything else) is Qadr.

InshaAllaah all works out for you.

 

[chacha_jalebi]

elloooo brother

salaam

have you asked you wana get married>? spoken to family? or if your a shy one, friends? spoken to the local imam?

its not difficult to marry, you just gota find the right person, thats the difficult bit me thinks, but keep a open mind, like dont restrict yourself, like say she has to be like me or summin, cos your unique and also after marriage, both hubby and wife brush of on each other, like you pick up each others habits and stuff

but i dont think its difficult to get married, its like when we goin for a exam and we like yeh man i wana smack that exam, but you aint done no revision, how you gona smack the exam likewise with marriage, you gota get out there, talk to people who can make thins happen, there are many muslims and muslimahs who wana get married, talk to the right people and soon, you can be given us weddin invites inshallah

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I'm a Somali too, and I'm not a Uni grad but a student. I'm barely 19, and being a Somali I'm sure you know the tradition of the oldest daughter having to get married first. Well, it took my mother some convincing to allow her to let me get married early, and I explained everything to her and my family even helped.

My tips are keeping your options open, asking for help from family, and making it known that you want to get married. I don't wanna sound weird or anything, but shoot, if you even mention the mere fact that you're a Uni grad I'm sure you won't have any problems inshaAllaah (with finding a wife). Be patient and reliant on Allaah swt, after all marriage (like everything else) is Qadr.

InshaAllaah all works out for you.

Jazakallah Khair for everones advise and input, I appreciate what everyone has said.

For me the issue is not finding a sister, when it comes to Somali practising brothers and sisters, the Ratio is 50 sisters to every 1 brother, there are way more practising sisters than brothers who are looking for practising brothers. I don't mean to show off, but being a young Somali brother in my 20's with a degree and a good job, finding a sister is fairley easy Alahmdulilah. BUT the issue comes with the families, they are soooooooooooooooooooo difficult, because you come from a different part or a different tribe, for this reason only they would not give you a chance. I know this issue is apparent in pritty much in every culture, but why, its just ridiculous, everyone always makes a big noise when people commit zina (which is ofcourse wrong and haram and we seek Allahs protection) but when someone wants to make it halal and be safe from all these evils which are around us, we get a big NO NO.

Again Jazakallah Khair, I ask Allah for his guidance.

 

[S_87]

Ok I don't have much of any standards beyond deen, and even then I'm not one of those hard brothers. I have consistently been humiliated and dismissed throughout the process. So, I reiterate: what planet do you live on? Perhaps someone from there will marry me?

Sorry to hear that then brother, it sure sucks to be dismissed just because youre a revert (i take it thats the reason?) A yes many parents can be closed minded into accepting a revert who may be great and meet their 'requirements' in every other way, just because hes from the wrong background. Have you tried putting feelers out to other brothers you know at the masjid/etc who may have sisters or know of people looking to get married where the fact that you being a revert will not be looked at (or may be a + since yes, there are many many sisters that prefer reverts)

May Allah make it easy for you

 

[Sahabiyaat]

i think parents, especially a girl's, make it extremely difficult, its almost like they never went through this, the way they create so many obstacles!

I'm afraid it seems you talk from the prospective of a person not aware of how far the economic situation in the developing world arrived ,statements as:
(parents, especially a girl's, make it extremely difficult, they create so many obstacles!)

is mere old slogan ,hardly exist.....

It is not the parents neither the couples who create the obstacles...it is the economical situation who creates obstacles for All.....

anyone says otherwise is simply misinformed and needs to go and see with his,her own eyes...

peace

Jazakallah Khair for everones advise and input, I appreciate what everyone has said.

For me the issue is not finding a sister, when it comes to Somali practising brothers and sisters, the Ratio is 50 sisters to every 1 brother, there are way more practising sisters than brothers who are looking for practising brothers. I don't mean to show off, but being a young Somali brother in my 20's with a degree and a good job, finding a sister is fairley easy Alahmdulilah. BUT the issue comes with the families, they are soooooooooooooooooooo difficult, because you come from a different part or a different tribe, for this reason only they would not give you a chance. I know this issue is apparent in pritty much in every culture, but why, its just ridiculous, everyone always makes a big noise when people commit zina (which is ofcourse wrong and haram and we seek Allahs protection) but when someone wants to make it halal and be safe from all these evils which are around us, we get a big NO NO.

Again Jazakallah Khair, I ask Allah for his guidance.

I'd love to say 'in your face'!! right now brother imam, but i wont ...ok i just did.

 

[burdenofbeing]

yeah families and traditions. they suck. being able to separate islam from tradition is crucial for every muslim.

not only marriage, but also divorcing is difficult as well. We don't get married for ever and ever, yet we act like as if we are. There are many failed marriages that keep going because of fear, and that fear is not fear of god.

One day perhaps..

 

[Sahabiyaat]

. There are many failed marriages that keep going because of fear, and that fear is not fear of god.

QUOTE]

ofcourse its not fear of God.

My mum points out to me how marriages are failing today and how back then, people hacked it no matter what.But i told her the only reason they hacked it was because there was so much pressure on them never ever to divorce, no matter what came, dispite violence, unhappiness, abuse, depression for both parties, couples were forced and even blackmailed by their families to stay together.....i mean what the hell is that all about.Doesnt the Quran say if you must, you can seperate?

Indeed, religion is easy, we just make it hard for ourselves.

 

[convert]

Sorry to hear that then brother, it sure sucks to be dismissed just because youre a revert (i take it thats the reason?) A yes many parents can be closed minded into accepting a revert who may be great and meet their 'requirements' in every other way, just because hes from the wrong background. Have you tried putting feelers out to other brothers you know at the masjid/etc who may have sisters or know of people looking to get married where the fact that you being a revert will not be looked at (or may be a + since yes, there are many many sisters that prefer reverts)

May Allah make it easy for you

Forgive me for my salty attitude, no need to take my frustrations out on you.

I mean, its a symptom of the problem but not the whole problem I guess. I've asked around with guys my age. Most of the time its a sister who

1) Doesn't want to involve her father right away... but cultural issues won't be an issue says she :rollseyes
2) Doesn't understand on anything more than a superficial level that I am a convert (i.e. my family is non-muslim and I'm not going to abandon them because they are kuffar, can you handle that?)
3) Wants a convert who she thinks she can dominate and will allow her to abandon family duties

In every meeting I have had, I have been contacted though. I know better than to ask uncles about their daughters, that ain't gonna fly.

Also, I know literally no muslim sisters. Lack of community is an issue as well. A HUGE issue for converts.

 

[Erundur]

... Because women, akhi, are complicated beings.

I believe it.
:blind:

also because the issue of the girls folks and the standards they've set also the women's. and vice versa

i can see why so many date. its difficult to support one another.

 

[Intisar]

Jazakallah Khair for everones advise and input, I appreciate what everyone has said.

For me the issue is not finding a sister, when it comes to Somali practising brothers and sisters, the Ratio is 50 sisters to every 1 brother, there are way more practising sisters than brothers who are looking for practising brothers. I don't mean to show off, but being a young Somali brother in my 20's with a degree and a good job, finding a sister is fairley easy Alahmdulilah. BUT the issue comes with the families, they are soooooooooooooooooooo difficult, because you come from a different part or a different tribe, for this reason only they would not give you a chance. I know this issue is apparent in pritty much in every culture, but why, its just ridiculous, everyone always makes a big noise when people commit zina (which is ofcourse wrong and haram and we seek Allahs protection) but when someone wants to make it halal and be safe from all these evils which are around us, we get a big NO NO.

Again Jazakallah Khair, I ask Allah for his guidance.

Exactly, but alhamdulilah there are many Somali families that are welcoming no matter what part of the country you're from, or what tribe you come from. Most Somali families, you will notice, that are attached to qabeel are usually the not-so religious or not-so practising ones, because if you come from a religious family 10 out of 10 chances are they won't refuse a man for you just because he comes from tribe XYZ. I know this for a fact. I know many young somali couples, mashaAllaah, that are from completely different tribes and are happily married alhamdulilah. You need not worry about the eedos and adeeros, but what the father thinks inshaAllaah and if they still refuse you can always include an imaam.

Just be patient, and like I said before get people you know and trust involved. My family is the same exact way, they want me to finish my education, get a job, and then get married. But it took them a looooot of convincing, but alhamdulilah they came around. So if it's a problem with your parents thinking it's a problem too, you can always tell them benefits of getting married early.

Ilahay ha ku fuudeeyo inshaAllaah.