Why this Ego?

[Al-bint]

As-salaamu-alaikum!

May everyone find this thread in the best state of health and Imaan.

It's a question mainly directed to the brothers out there however sisters are welcome to help. Why do most of the brothers have so much of ego or male ego as it is called? I am really sorry if it seems to be a sort of an attack upon all or any sort of generalization, but most of the men I have known can never accept the fact that they can in any way be wrong. No human being is perfect, so how can anyone be ashamed of accepting any mistake they did?

I have no idea how to deal with this. I mean how can you make a person understand that what they did was wrong without bruising their male ego?

i hope no one takes it otherwise. It's just that I need some advice on how to deal with this.

wasalaam!

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

this is a shocker to me LOL


I am in a family of 6 brothers and we are constantly being told we're wrong. Infact my sister/mother is always telling me how I can better myself and I never seem to mind.


Its the quality of a muslim to let go of pride right? lol so most muslims really shouldnty have an issue with being wrong


I think it was imam shafie who said he use to love it when he was proven wrong (rarely happened ) coz that meant he learned something new

 

[Abdul-Raouf]

offtopic : i have mainly heard about the otherway often... ie. the female ego ... ^o)

 

[Hulk]

When guys are among guys they don't really have an ego issue, but when there is a girl present then they might compete of who will be seen as the alpha. That is the western perspective anyway.

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

:wasalamex Sister Al-bint!

I'm always telling my brothers' to deflate their heads; I mean just because they think they're all that, doesn't mean my sister and I have to suffer it! LOL, nah, jokes. Masha'Allaah they're good brothers and they always accept whenever their wrong apart from one of them who is a Haafiz, so he thinks he's always in the right... Nah, jokes again (he is a Haafiz, in case y'all got confused)

Al7mdulillah, back on topic, if I were in your situation, I would ask my husband or brother or uncle to go and tell that person that what they did was wrong and to explain to them the reason as to why it was wrong and also inform the wrongdoing person that it's being said with the best of intentions and not to be hurt or mortified, and also that they can learn from it and better themselves in the future from it

But it has to come from an understanding, non-condescending, caring individual who will be able to explain it to them, and also the kind words should not be said in front of family or relatives or guests, but to be taken to one side or said privately, so the worngdoer won't feel embarassed or humiliated.

Insha'Allaah, if any of that helped, then Subhan'Allaah

:salamext:

 

[Al-bint]

Its the quality of a muslim to let go of pride right? lol so most muslims really shouldnty have an issue with being wrong

yes that's why it shocks me and even irritates me!

When guys are among guys they don't really have an ego issue, but when there is a girl present then they might compete of who will be seen as the alpha.

i guess that's the point but should "What" is correct be more important than "who" is correct??

I would ask my husband or brother or uncle to go and tell that person that what they did was wrong and to explain to them the reason as to why it was wrong and also inform the wrongdoing person that it's being said with the best of intentions and not to be hurt or mortified, and also that they can learn from it and better themselves in the future from it

yeah and what if the person backfires you with "Its because of you now that people think I am wrong. You purposely defamed me among my brothers"...?? how do you reply to that?

wasalaam!

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

yeah and what if the person backfires you with "Its because of you now that people think I am wrong. You purposely defamed me among my brothers"...?? how do you reply to that?

But it has to come from an understanding, non-condescending, caring individual who will be able to explain it to them, and also the kind words should not be said in front of family or relatives or guests, but to be taken to one side or said privately, so the worngdoer won't feel embarassed or humiliated.

If the gentle reprimand is said in those conditions, then the person may not retaliate back, and if unfortunately it has been said in the open then all that can be done is ask for their forgiveness for unintentionally embarrassing/humiliating them when the main purpose of the gentle reprimand was to make the wrongdoer aware of their actions and to aid in rectifying them

Insha'Allaah that helped

 

[Alpha Dude]

I think the way a person is likely to behave when told he is wrong depends on what your relationship is with the person. Are they your brothers? Uncles? Is it your father or husband?

Generally, I think an older person would find it more difficult to be corrected by someone younger.

Also depends on what you believe they are wrong on. If it is a subjective issue, you will find it tough to make them see it your way as an issue like this has no real right or wrong way. You'll never win and it's better to avoid arguing on it.

On the other hand, if what you think he is wrong about is on an objective issue, take all the facts to him and try to convince him with logic.

Another thing is if your intention is just to rub it in the face of someone that they are wrong, don't do it as it's pointless. I.e. something happened and he made a mistake and you are trying to get him to admit he made a mistake and he refuses, there is no point arguing over it as the issue is already done and dusted.

Make dua too.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

As-salaamu-alaikum!

May everyone find this thread in the best state of health and Imaan.

It's a question mainly directed to the brothers out there however sisters are welcome to help. Why do most of the brothers have so much of ego or male ego as it is called? I am really sorry if it seems to be a sort of an attack upon all or any sort of generalization, but most of the men I have known can never accept the fact that they can in any way be wrong. No human being is perfect, so how can anyone be ashamed of accepting any mistake they did?

I have no idea how to deal with this. I mean how can you make a person understand that what they did was wrong without bruising their male ego?

i hope no one takes it otherwise. It's just that I need some advice on how to deal with this.

wasalaam!

I think it depends on one's relationship with that person and most of all one's approach rather than the gender. If we approach a person in a gentle manner using wisdom and tact then one will notice a much better reaction and the person will not get "defensive". A person is much more likely to get defensive according to the way we approached them about a matter or issue. A lot of the times we need to look at ourselves and think whether or not the issue was partly our own fault or whether we could have approached the matter in a better way rather than playing a blame game or criticising another.

We also need to think why would we want them to admit they are wrong? Is it our own ego that wants us them to admit such a thing? Do we want to win a discussion or argument?

So it all depends on a persons approach. Once we adopt a nice gentle manner being indirect and using wisdom and tact then we will notice a huge difference in the way another person reacts towards us but if we continue being too direct and approaching a person in the wrong manner then they will continue to get defensive and not react in the way we want them to.

 

[Cabdullahi]

Why do females resort to insults when they are proven to be wrong.

Wife to husband: 5 lots of 5 is 20 right? the new hijab i bought cost me 20 dirhams...thats 5 pounds in the UK

Husband to wife : nah 5 times 5 is 25...the hijab cost you 25 dirhams.

Wife to husband : i was only joking you dufus!

Husband to wife : ??!

ps there are many men who more often than not concede that they maybe wrong.

The best of shuyookh said 'Allahu Alam' when they didnt know a certain thing, they didnt worry about people's opinion one bit.

 

[Al-bint]

good to see that brothers around the world are liberal derived a conclusion that this thing might be just region specific ^o)

I have no desire to prove myself right or the other wrong. It hurts to see your own people doing something that's gonna cost them real big. If I am not going to tell them then who will?

when I say cigarette is haram and injurious to one's health, they say I don't understand life. When I say one should not make lying a habit or why does one have to lie in order to just make one or 2 other people laugh, they say I think too high of myself. these are still petty issues, i have dealt with worse. well what I have decided finally is to shut up. keep patience and never ever point out anything the other person is doing wrong even though it might eventually end in a disaster for them. it doesnt matter if it kills me a thousand times whenever I see it happen, I am gonna keep my mouth shut.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

when I say cigarette is haram and injurious to one's health, they say I don't understand life. When I say one should not make lying a habit or why does one have to lie in order to just make one or 2 other people laugh, they say I think too high of myself. these are still petty issues, i have dealt with worse.

I know many many sisters who are exactly the same sis. When you tell them (not me myself but my sisters etc) that things like hijab is fard, they make excuses. When you tell them music aint halal, they make excuses. When they say freemixing is haram, they make excuses.


so this isnt gender specific at all lol.

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

well what I have decided finally is to shut up. keep patience and never ever point out anything the other person is doing wrong even though it might eventually end in a disaster for them. it doesnt matter if it kills me a thousand times whenever I see it happen, I am gonna keep my mouth shut.

Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

That will make you just as bad as those people who do wrong in the world, and when others see the wrongs, they don't say a thing. Don't be like that!!! Don't shut up!!! Stand out!!!

The Qur'aan says, "Be maintainers of justice and bearers of true witness for Allah, even if it (the truth) goes against your own selves or parents or relatives or someone who is rich or poor." (4:135)

We can apply that to any situation.

Be strong, have courage!!! Doesn't matter how many times you will get knocked back, the truth shall prevail! And if they don't understand and/or realise it now, then they will soon, one day, for sure. Insha'Allaah

Please don't give up. Never give up. You are doing a right thing and good thing too, just try and follow the advice of Brothers and Sisters that have been given to you, but never give up for telling the truth!!!

 

[Alpha Dude]

when I say cigarette is haram and injurious to one's health, they say I don't understand life. When I say one should not make lying a habit or why does one have to lie in order to just make one or 2 other people laugh, they say I think too high of myself.

In these example, I don't think their replies are ego based as such. They know already that what you say is true but they don't want to have their fun spoilt hence you will find it hard to get through to them on these matters.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

As Muslims it is our duty to enjoining good, forbid evil and invite to the way of Allah. Therefore we should never give up or stop enjoining good, forbidding evil and inviting to the way of Allah, but the point is that we should be careful of our manner and the way we approach the person particularly if they are close to us lest we push them away further and cause them to become defensive and end up causing more harm than good.

Do we honestly think a person who smokes, drinks or has been committing an evil habit for such a long time does not know and understand that what they are doing is wrong? They may even make excuses as to defend the fact that they are doing such an act but it is dependant upon our approach and the way we approach them and the manner in doing so. We need to be less naive and more understanding that simply telling a person who has been smoking to just quit is not really going to work and nor is it going to help them, but we should approach such an issue with sensitivity and be careful not to cause the person to get defensive.

It matters not what gender race or region they are for everyone gets defensive particularly the more closer we are to them on all types of issues. Many women also get defensive about the Hijab, niqab and all sorts of other issues so gender is certainly not an issue, but as already mentioned what will prevent a negative reaction is our own attitude and approach towards that person.

So we should be more sensitive, understanding and approach others particularly if they are close to us in a gentle, indirect manner most of all using wisdom and tact in our approach and on top of that make plenty of Dua for them.

And Allah knows best in all matters