Widower/widow with children, and getting married again

[ardianto]

"Don't you look for the new wife?". This is the question which asked to me by some people since I become a widower. It's okay, I can understand if they are so curious about it, just like I understand if there are people in this forum who curious why I don't look for a new wife, at least for this time.

Usually I just smile when someone asked me this question, but one time I've ever told my honest reason "I am not alone, but with my children. If I get a new wife, it's means I give the new mother to my children. But can they accept a new woman as their mother?".

This is why there are widowers and widows, with children, who decide to not get married again, at least until their children ready to accept the new mother, or new father.

Yes, the life of widowers and widows, especially those who have children, are different than unmarried people. And not really same as divorced people, especially those who their children not live with them. Widowers and widows, with children, usually thinking about their children before decide to get married again because they are worry their new marriage will make their children unhappy.

If I must honest, I often feel lonely in my life as widower. But my children happiness is more important for me.

 

[InToTheRain]

Ardi Bhaisab

I see what your saying. It depends on their age I think as teenagers tend to find it hard to adjust to the change. But at the same time nothing beats a woman touch when rearing children in my honest humble opinion... but there is a place and time for everything I guess.

Maybe I digress a little but it's hard to get over ones first love. Mohammad(SAW)s love for Mother of the Believers Khadija(RA) never waned... Aisha(RA) once testified how her rival in love was not amongst the living wives of Mohammad(SAW) but the one that passed away...


Once the Prophet mentioned Khadija near Aisha, Aisha responded: "She was not but a such and such of an old lady, and Allah replaced her with a better one for you." He replied: "Indeed Allah did not grant me better than her; she accepted me when people rejected me, she believed in me when people doubted me, she shared her wealth with me when people deprived me, and Allah granted me children only through her."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khadija_bint_Khuwaylid

And Aisha(RA) love for Mohammad(SAW) is well known; she is reported to have said (I believe in Tirmidhi?)
“O Zulaikha, you only cut your fingers at seeing Yusuf(RA). Had you seen the Messenger of Allah :saw: , you would have cut open your heart.”

Reminds me of one of my fave Nasheeds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h9nGPZr63E

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum,


I think this is a good point to reflect upon.


Personally, I believe that is important for children to have both a mother and a father. This is why, after the collapse of my first marriage, I married again quickly to a man who promised as mehr, that he would look after my children as his own children. This was all I thought was important. He was introduced to me as a responsible father who was looking after not only his own children, but his deceased brother's children, too. And I was very willing to look after his poor children, who (I was told), had been abandoned by their mother, because they were destitute refugees, and she wanted a better life.


(sigh) But it was all not true.


And this man was not only very unkind with my children, but he was terrible with his own. And those children (copying his example) were violent with mine. And even threatened me.


It was awful. Because I wanted so much to make everything work and be a “good” wife and have an intact family, I exposed my children to some really bad times.


Alhamdullillah, my children have mostly recovered from this ordeal. But it has made us all very wary.


So even though I still believe that it is important for children to have two parents, I think it is better to have only one parent who is kind, than two if there are great problems in the marriage. And as it is hard to know whether a person is sincere and kind, I can completely understand being reluctant to marry again.


And yes, it is lonely. (sigh) Especially when you don't have any family support. But (twinkle), that's why it's so nice to be able to discuss things with all the nice people on this Forum!


Avoid my mistakes. Be cautious to marry again, and don't remain in an abusive marriage. It is very bad for children.


May Allah, the One Who Fashions and Shapes, mature all the bitter fruits we pick, into sweet and juicy ripe ones we can share with others.

 

[ardianto]

Ardi Bhaisab

I see what your saying. It depends on their age I think as teenagers tend to find it hard to adjust to the change. But at the same time nothing beats a woman touch when rearing children in my honest humble opinion... but there is a place and time for everything I guess.

Maybe I digress a little but it's hard to get over ones first love. Mohammad(SAW)s love for Mother of the Believers Khadija(RA) never waned... Aisha(RA) once testified how her rival in love was not amongst the living wives of Mohammad(SAW) but the one that passed away...


Once the Prophet mentioned Khadija near Aisha, Aisha responded: "She was not but a such and such of an old lady, and Allah replaced her with a better one for you." He replied: "Indeed Allah did not grant me better than her; she accepted me when people rejected me, she believed in me when people doubted me, she shared her wealth with me when people deprived me, and Allah granted me children only through her."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khadija_bint_Khuwaylid

And Aisha(RA) love for Mohammad(SAW) is well known; she is reported to have said (I believe in Tirmidhi?)
“O Zulaikha, you only cut your fingers at seeing Yusuf(RA). Had you seen the Messenger of Allah :saw: , you would have cut open your heart.”

Reminds me of one of my fave Nasheeds:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h9nGPZr63E

:wasalam: brother InToTheRain.

If a woman married a man who has ever married before, people usually will compare her with the previous wife. (Same thing happen to a man too if he married widow/divorcee). In many case the person who compare her is her stepchild. In example, when she scolds her stepchild because naughty, her stepchild protest with "My mother never scolded me like this!. Unlike you, she always ...blah ...blah ...blah". Not only feel compared, but she will also feel that she is unaccepted.

Frankly, what in my mind is, if I get married again, can my new wife love and treat my children like her own children?. Can my children accept her?. Maybe is too far if I expect my children to accept her as their mother, but at least they can accept her presence beside me.

Yes, I love my late wife so much, and this is the second factor that makes me feel hard to get married again, although actually in the end of her life she told me that I can get married again. She was just given me a message that I should not neglect my responsibility toward our children.

I know, not every widower or divorced man think like me. Many of them get married again without consider the consequence for their children. In number of cases, it gave bad consequence like the stepmother treats her stepchild very bad, or vice versa. This is what I don't want to happen.

Jazak Allah Khayr, for the nasheed.

 

[ardianto]

Assalaamu alaikum,


I think this is a good point to reflect upon.


Personally, I believe that is important for children to have both a mother and a father. This is why, after the collapse of my first marriage, I married again quickly to a man who promised as mehr, that he would look after my children as his own children. This was all I thought was important. He was introduced to me as a responsible father who was looking after not only his own children, but his deceased brother's children, too. And I was very willing to look after his poor children, who (I was told), had been abandoned by their mother, because they were destitute refugees, and she wanted a better life.


(sigh) But it was all not true.


And this man was not only very unkind with my children, but he was terrible with his own. And those children (copying his example) were violent with mine. And even threatened me.


It was awful. Because I wanted so much to make everything work and be a “good” wife and have an intact family, I exposed my children to some really bad times.


Alhamdullillah, my children have mostly recovered from this ordeal. But it has made us all very wary.

Wa'alaikumsalam, sister.

I am sorry to hear your experience. I've ever knew a man who married a divorcee with children. He look good when I acquainted with him. But later I found, he treated his stepchildren badly.

Like I've told in another thread, my father passed away when I was 20 and my mother was 44. But few years later my mother got married again. Alhamdulillah, my stepfather was a good man. But then he passed away. So my mother became a widow for second time, and never thought to get married again.

So even though I still believe that it is important for children to have two parents, I think it is better to have only one parent who is kind, than two if there are great problems in the marriage. And as it is hard to know whether a person is sincere and kind, I can completely understand being reluctant to marry again.

Relationship between stepmother/stepfather and stepchildren is not always work well. Yes, this is the main factor that make me hesitate (not really reluctant) to get married again, although in another side I often feel ....

And yes, it is lonely. (sigh) Especially when you don't have any family support. But (twinkle), that's why it's so nice to be able to discuss things with all the nice people on this Forum!

Hmm .... I don't know the right word to describe my situation, "lonely" or "feel alone". Actually I live among many people who care to me, and my big family always support me in take care my children, but ....

Yeah, maybe my friends were right, I have a woman's heart. And just like a woman, my greatest happiness is if I can love and beloved.

I still can love my wife with du'a. But, it's hard to lie to myself that I often feel an emptiness in my heart because there's no someone beside me, who I can share stories, happiness, sadness. This is why often feel ‘alone although not really lonely'.

Avoid my mistakes. Be cautious to marry again, and don't remain in an abusive marriage. It is very bad for children.


May Allah, the One Who Fashions and Shapes, mature all the bitter fruits we pick, into sweet and juicy ripe ones we can share with others.

In Shaa Allah, If I can get married again I will be careful in choosing my new wife. I don't want the bad things happen to my children.

By the way, I know few widows and divorced women who do not get married again although I am sure, there are men who interested to marry them. Previously I often wonder why they didn't get married again. But now I begin to thinking, maybe they think like me too. Worry, if their new marriage will cause something bad to their children.

Jazakillah khayr, sister. [smile]

 

[InToTheRain]

I can understand where your both coming from... it would be wise to be cautious as there are risks not just to you but your family also...

If someone did introduce you to someone and the marriage fell would you blame the "match maker"? I am currently introducing a friend of mine to an extended cousin of mine; both divorced and looking for partners. I actually know the friend quite well as I have lived with him while working outside London for a year so we helped each other with cooking, cleaning and work outside etc ...but I don't want to put my cousin through another ordeal. She actually married a lawyer who beat her at one stage... the Irony :raging:

But then again I don't think any marriage has smooth rides. We can only hope they live according to standards set by Qur'an and Sunnah so piety is the most important factor. Problems are bound to happen and if we don't have a common foundation to resolve these issues, Islam, then their will be conflict. But Sahabas too had their divorces and falling out so some people just don't complement each other in which case we can only hope for a graceful ending to the marriage...maintaining a marriage is a huge responsibility that's why I guess Mohammad(SAW) has said you complete half your religion when you get married.

Jazak Allah for sharing your thoughts. May Allah Most High bless you and your family my respected elders

 

[ardianto]

If someone did introduce you to someone and the marriage fell would you blame the "match maker"? I am currently introducing a friend of mine to an extended cousin of mine; both divorced and looking for partners. I actually know the friend quite well as I have lived with him while working outside London for a year so we helped each other with cooking, cleaning and work outside etc ...but I don't want to put my cousin through another ordeal.

Actually my wife was not my first future wife. I've ever planned to get married with another girl before, who introduced to me by a friend of mine who is her cousin. But later she decided to not marry me due to too many problems that occurred between us.

No, I didn't blame my friend. He just introduced her to me, but decision to choose her was my own decision. It's means, everything that would be happen, would become my responsibility. And the biggest responsibility that I could give to that girl was let her to leave me. Many of those problems caused by my mistake.

Since I was kid I have been taught that if I dare to do something, I must dare to bear the risk and responsibility. That's why in my married life I never blamed anyone for every problem that happened. Even I never blamed my wife because I realized that she was under my responsibility. So, when she made a problem, instead of blame her, I always tried to overcome it.

Jazak Allah for sharing your thoughts. May Allah Most High bless you and your family my respected elders

Amin.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Yeah, maybe my friends were right, I have a woman's heart. And just like a woman, my greatest happiness is if I can love and be loved.


I still can love my wife with du'a. But, it's hard to lie to myself that I often feel an emptiness in my heart because there's no someone beside me, who I can share stories, happiness, sadness. This is why often feel ‘alone although not really lonely'.

Assalaamu alaikum brother Ardianto,


(Smile) I think all healthy people, men and women, seek to love and be loved, because Allah made us this way. Unhealthy people may try to avoid a loving connection, but they are unbalanced, and their hearts are in a state of dis-ease, in my observation.


Consider what He Tells us in 30:21


Sahih International: And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.




This translation is pretty good, but it still fails to capture the full meaning of this passage. Because the word for “mates”, azwaj, has the connotation of being one of a pair. Because the phrase for “ that you may find tranquillity in them”, li-taskunu ilaiha, is a lot richer: it means: in order that you may rely on/trust/have faith in/feel at home with/be reassured, by them. It implies that you will feel peaceful, tranquil, calm. Because the word for “affection”, mawaddah, means love and friendship, and has a flavour of fondness. Because the word for “mercy”, rahmah, means love/mercy/compassion/kindness/understanding/sympathy.


Allah made us as a pair: male and female. We are supposed to be a source of great relief for one another, someone we can rely on, trust, feel at ease with. We are supposed to be the best of friends. We are supposed bond with someone to love and be loved.


I have noticed in my life that there are men who feel weak inside. They feel inferior. So they try to deny that part of the way Allah created them, was with the impulse to bond to a woman. Instead they will bully women in order to try to convince themselves and others that they are strong, and they will be obsessed with the public perception of their “manliness”.


But men who are comfortable with their masculinity, and who are truly strong inside, can express their inner compulsion to connect with a woman and form a pair. They have the freedom to love and share... and reap all the benefits that Allah Provides for them through their spouses.


A man who can admit that he would like to share his life with a woman, that he feels a wish to share himself with a woman, is a man who is in harmony with the way his Creator Created him. He does not have “a woman's heart”, he has a healthy human heart.


In the Light of Revelation, is it possible to understand otherwise?


Does this mean that if we do not have a spouse that we are incapable of functioning? No, of course not. For instance, humans are Designed to have a pair of hands. But we can function with only one hand, if necessary. It's just that with a pair, we function optimally.


(smile) But if a person were to insist that having only one hand was the optimal way to function, and wanted to cut off one of his or her hands, we'd think he or she was a bit crazy! However, if someone lost their hand in an accident, or had to cut it off because it was diseased and threatening their health, yet they struggled to still keep on working and fulfilling their duties, we'd respect such a person very much.


(smile) Feeling the lack of your zawj (pair) is healthy, in my opinion. Whether we find our zawj or not, is...(twinkle) in His Hands.


May Allah, the Gentle One Who Designed us, Enfold us in His Care.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

If someone did introduce you to someone and the marriage fell would you blame the "match maker"?

Wa alaikum assalaam brother InToTheRain,

I think it would depend on the circumstances. If you knew of any defects in character in the future spouses that you did not disclose, then I think that a person might justifiably hold you responsible for that. But if you introduced a couple of people with a clear explanation of how well you know them and what you know of them that could be pertinent, then I can't see how any reasonable person could be upset. (smile) However, people are not always reasonable, and sometimes we seek to throw blame on others rather than seeing our own responsibilities.

(smile) So while I personally would not blame you if a marriage with someone collapsed, you should be aware that it is possible that another person might.

But Allah Rewards according to honest efforts.

maintaining a marriage is a huge responsibility that's why I guess Mohammad(SAW) has said you complete half your religion when you get married.

(smile) I personally think that one of the main reasons that marriage is half our deen is because its hard. Increasing levels of responsibility as your family grows, trying to figure out how your spouse thinks and why, trying to deal with crises with little or no sleep, tantruming toddlers, hormonal teenagers, difficult in-laws... all excellent ways to help us practice the Divine Qualities (in our imperfect human way) and get closer to Him Who Created us.

Another reason, I believe, is because we were made to be a pair, and it is part of our natural state of being to be married. It is what we try do when we are in a state of Islam, a state of harmony with His Will.

Jazak Allah for sharing your thoughts. May Allah Most High bless you and your family my respected elders

(smile) Thank you for your du'a. (twinkle) And the respect for my age. Though you know, it is always a bit of a surprise when I look in the mirror. Because inside, I still feel like the young and clumsy person I was many years ago. It's just I've had more time to make mistakes! (twinkle) Inshallah, I have learnt a few things along the way.

May Allah, the Giver of Honour, Bless you and your blossoming family.

 

[InToTheRain]

Another reason, I believe, is because we were made to be a pair, and it is part of our natural state of being to be married. It is what we try do when we are in a state of Islam, a state of harmony with His Will.

I never thought about it like that, Thanks for sharing

(smile) Thank you for your du'a. (twinkle) And the respect for my age. Though you know, it is always a bit of a surprise when I look in the mirror. Because inside, I still feel like the young and clumsy person I was many years ago. It's just I've had more time to make mistakes! (twinkle) Inshallah, I have learnt a few things along the way.

I think how old you "look" all depends on your demeanor and vivacity and less to do with your actual age. Not so long ago I received an email from a Sister claiming she is now a Grandmother! (her Daughter had triplets Mash'Allah) I had no idea she had a daughter almost same age as me as I thought she was not so old from me! I have made same mistakes in guessing age with Brothers also. ;D

May Allah, the Giver of Honour, Bless you and your blossoming family.

Wa Alaikum Manifolds

 

[ardianto]

Assalaamu alaikum brother Ardianto,

Wa'alaikumsalam, sister MuslimInshallah.

"You are like a woman!". This was the comment from few of my friends to me. Even my wife ever comment like this too, few times. No, no, they were not talking about physical appearance, but they were talking about what I've said or what I've done. Usually they continued it with "Only women who think/feel like this!".

Maybe they're right because I often took inspiration from women, like principle "It's better be loved than love". That's why when I was in period of look for life partner, I didn't try to get someone who made me fall in love, but I tried to accept and then build a love for someone who was willing to be my life partner. My reason was simple, if I love someone, probably I would failed to make her love me too. But if someone love me, then I would feel happy and would start to feel a love to her too.

Sister, do you agree with my friends that only women who think like this?. [smile]

And about my feeling toward women. The thing that makes me very grateful is, I feel inferior toward women. Maybe you are wonder, how could a man like me feel inferior toward women?. Sister, have you ever heard story of The Ugly Duckling?. That's my life story.

I was a competition swimmer when I was kid. I also compete in BMX race, and play softball. However, in late of my childhood I got bored with sport activities and turned into another hobby, cooking and eating. Of course it made my body becoming fat.

Then I entered my teen age which like other teen boys, I also start to have feeling toward the girls. But immediately I realized, I was not the type that could get attention from the girls. Even some of them insulted me as the ugly fat boy. Also I was not type of boy who talkative and could make the girls feel like 'fly to the moon' with sweet words. I was a quiet boy who listen more than talk.

I still remember the moment when I walked in hill area and met without stopping with a group of school girls. They made me as joke, they insulted me, and they laugh without they care about my feeling. I didn't respond them, even didn't say anything. But I cried in my heart, and asked to myself "Why?. Why they insult me?".

Did that make me hate the girls?. Alhamdulillah, no. Instead of made me hate the women, these experiences made me able to appreciate women, especially those who kind to me. It's because I never generalize. I believe, if some women insult me, it doesn't mean all women insult me. There must be among them who could be kind to me. Alhamdulillah too, I have met many women who very kind to me. And of course, I always try to be kind too.

So, inferior feeling is not always bad. Even it could be good if we could manage it in positive way.

About zawj (pair). People in my place say "the life partner is in the hand of Allah". It's meant, who would become our life partners are those that destined for us. I know, not everyone agree. But I believe it because there was a long story with my wife before. Like I've said above, my wife was not my first future wife. There was another girl before, but then I married my wife, who I knew few years before I met my friend's cousin.

And amin to your du’a, sister.

 

[BeTheChange]

We've all lived a very different life with many different responsibilities. It's permissible in Islam to get married again if your a widower or widow - we shouldn't burden ourselves and think about what society may think. I think it's very sweet and a very logical and parent thing to do to worry about the implications that another wife may bring to your family dynamics and structure. I wish more parents were more considerate and thoughtful like you. I agree with all the comments here that the childhood, socialisation & upbringing of children is extremely important. Your childhood ultimately shapes your views and opinions and shapes your adulthood.

Feeling lonely is very normal and part of being a human being. If we didn't feel lonely we wouldn't be human beings. You have children alhamdulilah and am glad you find peace and happiness in them. When we're alone and don't have the support system behind us (i.e. through family, a wife or husband) it makes us value the little interaction we do have with human beings. In order to tackle loneliness keep yourself occupied in zikar, sport, family gatherings, social outings etc.

It's funny because couples can be lonely even if they married. It all depends on the situation and circumstance. Focus on your relationship with Allah swa and you will never be alone. Trust me on this - you will even start enjoying your own company because when you do mingle with society it takes you away from society. (most of the times). This life is a test and everyday is a struggle just keep fighting and make yourself & Allah swa proud. In sha Allah.

Think about this - in the graves we're all on our own. It doesn't matter how much time you give your friends and family and how much you love them you won't be able to take them with you. This is reality. This is the truth. Only Quran will be your companion if you've read Quran in this world and practised the teachings.

 

[ahsankhan]

go with your heart but do consult with your children about it first, and see what they will say.

 

[ardianto]

go with your heart but do consult with your children about it first, and see what they will say.

Now is not the right time. My children haven't ready to have stepmother. I can feel that they worry, if I got married again then my attention toward them would be shared with my new wife and her children (if she had). Also they worry their stepmother would not treat them well.

I have two sons. The oldest is 16 years old, the youngest is 10 years old

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I think you should have a heart-to-heart discussion with your children. To be honest, if I were in your children's place, I would feel guilty and sad that my father's happiness was sacrificed for mine. Maybe we don't realize it while we're young, but at an older age we eventually do come to realize things about our parents' sacrifices for us that we hadn't before. I cannot sway away the feelings of sadness when I think about how much my parents have done for me and what little I have done for them.

Your new wife would not be considered as a replacement mother, and I highly doubt she'd be thought of so because in a child's heart no mother is replaceable. However with proper understanding, your kids can respect her just as they respected their mom and appreciate her. I do think it's important to wait until your kids are ready to receive a new person in their lives, but you can't just stand by and wait for it to happen, you should talk to them about it often and get them used to the idea that you want to be with someone. Perhaps this is why you feel that they are worried. The idea is new to them, but don't feel discouraged just because they are not quite comfortable with the idea. There is a lot going on in their heads, and that is going to happen whether they are young or older, trust me.

Your eldest is 16 so he is old enough to understand, in a few years, who knows he will be falling in love as well, and he'll be able to empathize with you; and the best time to introduce someone new for your 10 yr old is while he is young, because to introduce someone new while he is older and still living with you will feel very awkward. However if he's young and he grows up seeing this woman there, he will see her as a motherly figure rather than a stranger. Otherwise, the only other comfortable situation would be to wait until both of your kids are out of the house. But that is not really ideal.

Your situation doesn't have to be black and white, you have options and ways to discuss these things with your children, and believe me I'm sure they are more mature than you take them to be, they just need to see your confidence and feel assured that after this marriage you will be happy.

fi aman allah
w'salaam

 

[ardianto]

Assalamu Alaikum

Wa’alaikumsalam, sis.

You're right, parent can't be replaced. My mother got married again few years after my father passed away, but I didn't see her new husband as my new father. Just as my mother husband. However, I was 25 in that time while my youngest sister was 20. We were mature enough in that time.

I think my oldest son can understand. But I am not sure about my youngest son. Indeed, sometime I feel lonely. But I try to overcome my lonely feeling with doing activities with children.

But, honestly, there is another thing that made me hesitate to get married again. I feel like I betray my wife if I get married again, although she has passed away.

I highly value the loyalty. That's why during my married life I never thought to have another wife, never had affair with another woman, never thought to leave her whatever happen to her, and always forgave her whatever she had done to me.

When I was young I've ever vowed, if Allah gives me someone who can love me, I will always love her and will always loyal to her. And Allah gave me someone like I expect.

My marriage story was different than many other men. I did not get her, but she got me after great patience that finally made me surrender. That's why I regard myself belong to her, not she belong to me. And she really loved me with love that always makes my heart touched whenever I remember it.

Now she has gone from my side. But I still feel that I belong to her. Yes, it makes me feel guilty whenever I think about getting married again.

 

[Signor]

Now she has gone from my side. But I still feel that I belong to her. Yes, it makes me feel guilty whenever I think about getting married again.

Assalamu Alaykum Dear Ardianto

I know you are between a rock and a hard place but you really sounds like an old school Hindu widow,the one who burns her self alive when her husband die.Your friends are very right about you.

On a serious not,It also make me sad how every time you write about being widower/widow,another member posts his/her own story of grief.

May Allah set right your affairs; help you set right the affairs of others; guide you and help you guide others; increase your honor in this world and in the Hereafter,Aameen

 

[ardianto]

Assalamu Alaykum Dear Ardianto

I know you are between a rock and a hard place but you really sounds like an old school Hindu widow,the one who burns her self alive when her husband die.Your friends are very right about you.

On a serious not,It also make me sad how every time you write about being widower/widow,another member posts his/her own story of grief.

May Allah set right your affairs; help you set right the affairs of others; guide you and help you guide others; increase your honor in this world and in the Hereafter,Aameen

Wa'alaikumsalam

Hmm, I think you are right, brother. I am to exaggerative in love matter.

In Shaa Allah, I will try to be realistic.

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

If your sons are close, I'm sure the older one will help the younger one learn how to accept the new change.

As for it being difficult to marry another woman after your wife, I can understand that. However, if your wife loved you as I love my husband, I would want him to be happy. It is more difficult for a man to cope being a widower than a woman is. Women are able to remain social and it may be easier for them to remain single for the rest of their lives, whereas men may not have a special connection with anyone like they did with their wife, and so they yearn for that bond again.

One day your children will grow old and you will too, and you will want someone to be by your side. I'm sure if you find a great lady, you would have wanted to meet her sooner. Also, think of the prophet (pbuh). He loved Aisha (ra) and it did not decrease from his love of Khadijah (ra) or his memory of her.

At the end of the day, it's your heart you will need to convince to be married again, not your childrens'

Anyways, May allah grant you ease in whatever you choose.

Fi aman Allah,
w'salaam

 

[Muhaba]

Wa'alaikumsalam

Hmm, I think you are right, brother. I am to exaggerative in love matter.

In Shaa Allah, I will try to be realistic.

Personally, I think whether one remarries or not depends a lot on their age. For example, a younger widow/widower would have a greater requirement to remarry. On the other hand, someone older, like in your case, won't need to remarry so much and can focus on their children. Well, that's my opinion.