In the case of the husband, he can tap his wife with a toothbrush.
I'm not sure if you just missed the point completely or chose to ignore it, but I already mentioned that Ibn 'Abbas's comment on the miswâk is meant to show the mild and insignificant nature of the hit even once it is resorted to. I can only assume that your insistence upon using the word 'toothbrush' is to ridicule the issue, but it hopelessly fails since there is no directive to use a 'toothbrush' in any Islamic texts.
In the case of a wife it is not recommended that she tap her husband with a toothbrush for fear that he will react in a bad manner. Her next step would be..... (please fill in the rest for me
Thrid-party mediation or the assistance of the courts in getting a resolution, which may entail a divorce.
My problem with this is that I don't find physical force a very useful means of helping someone realize the "severity of the situation", so I don't really see why the whole toothbrush thing is necessary. I think humans intellectually capable of a relationship can tell the gravity of a situation without it being expressed to them in terms of "tap." And if they are choosing to ignore their partner's feelings, than I highly doubt a tap with at toothbrush will make them change their mind.
Well, you just chose to ignore my earlier comments about emotional obstinance. Do you really mean to tell me that human beings are perfectly objective and rational and never swayed by personal bias or emotion? Rubbish. We know for a fact that the complex interplay of hormonal systems in the brain gives rise to a host of prejudicial biases and emotional behaviours with no underlying rationale, comprising arrogance, aggression, obduracy, etc.
In fact, I am sure many people can relate to a time in their life when they were hung on one narrow-minded line of thinking, blinded to all other ways by their emotional biases, and they needed a friend to help them 'snap out of it'. How about remembering a time when one was behaving in a stupid manner and just wishing that there had been someone there to smack them and tell them to snap out of it. If you know anyone who was severely depressed at one point in their life or otherwise going through a deep emotional phase, they could probably relate to that, perhaps even desiring to go back in time and confront their former self to get them to 'snap out of it'. We accept such conduct to occur amongst friends and siblings, thus it is not absurd to suggest that even though unlikely it may happen between those who are even closer, a husband and wife.
"Yeah, I can't believe I was acting so dumb!" - you're telling me such statements have never been heard from human beings?? It is certainly likely that in a very intense emotional conflict one may be entirely absorbed by one perspective and blinded by one line of thinking and they don't realize it until the emotional disturbance is expressed to them in a different way by their partner. This may not work for some people, but to state that it is categorically unproductive is fallacious. In some instances it may work and does work, and consequently the Qur'an has given a
dispensation - NOT a command or recommendation - to use light physical force in such instances.
its not your problem that people beat the hell out their wives and claim they were given permission in Quran.
Actually from a perspective of a muslim living in the muslim community, the notion of people justifying such blatantly abhorrent behavior with the Qur'an is unheard of. It doesn't happen. If you look at statistics you will see the major factors in domestic violence, usually things Islam prohibits anyway like alcohol and extramarital affairs. People who try to justify such behavior usually say, "I was drunk", not "I'm allowed its in the Qur'an". Even a person with the brain of an ape knows that no religion on earth tolerates such behavior.
Forgive me but I'm still not really understanding. So Islam teaches that sometimes it might take a hit for a women to realize the gravity of the situation.
Islam says that if you are in an emotional dispute with your spouse and the other methods have been exhausted and some physical contact will actually work to get them to snap out of their narrow minded line of thinking and realize the emotional disturbance caused, then in such cases you are allowed, not to punish anyone, but to evoke recognition of the gravity of the situation. "Wake up! Look at what's happened to our family!"
Islam also teaches that in some non existent hypothetical situation it might take a hit for a man to realize the gravity of the situation, but this would never happen because men overpower women?
No you've missed the point completely here. We're going by logic and we're saying that sometimes men act stupidly and need a good smack. This is not a non-existent or purely hypothetical scenario, this is self-evident around us (somehow these same men always seem to get into politics). The reason why Islam does not offer this solution to women is because it might serve only to endanger the woman further, and the husband might lash back in an even more aggressive manner. So for her safety, both the Qur'an and western domestic violence help centres advise that the woman seek outside help and try to leave an abusive household as soon as possible.
Maybe its my lack of knowledge of Arabic. In English the words "Beat" and "Touch" are on opposite ends of the spectrum.
I thought we had answered this already, but once again the word 'beat' in the engloish language means to hit repeatedly and violently with the intent to cause injury or pain and usually with a weapon. This is why the expression of 'darb' as 'beat' is a gross distortion of the meaning of the word and conflicts with every Islamic teaching. The Islamic texts taken collectively condemn and prohibit any such violent behavior. The word 'darb' is best translated as 'hit' or 'strike' like Prophet Ayûb used a handful of grass to 'darb' once (Qur'an 38:44). This shows it was a single strike and not violent in any manner - you can't beat someone with a handful of grass.
http://www.islamicboard.com/249115-post2.html
You ticked me off so much that the only way it can be expressed is through physical contact.
Wrong again. It is not out of anger or because he is angry as we explicitly mentioned. It is a conflict where dialogue is not working and one party persists in manifest indecency and disruptive behavior, hung on a narrow minded line of thinking that in such cases if some physical contact will help them to 'snap out of it' and realize the problems they are headed for, then it is allowed. Not recommended or commanded, but allowed.
Isn't following the Quran the best way to live?
Yes, but if you knew about the detailed science of the principles of Islamic jurisprudence (Usûl al-Fiqh), it would be evident that this is a dispensation, not a recommendation or command. And the Qur'an says about the Prophet Muhammad saws:
68:4 And verily, you (O Muhammad SAW) are on an exalted standard of character.
33:21 Ye have indeed in the Messenger of Allah a beautiful pattern (of conduct) for any one whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who engages much in the Praise of Allah.
So we are told to emulate the character of the Prophet Muhammad pbuh, and from this is the example of him never raising his hand to hit anyone in his entire life, but always dealing with others with mercy and compassion. And it is this that all muslims are commanded to strive to follow.
I just assumed this method was considered better than other "non physical" methods such as contacting an Imam, or bringing in a mediator, because this method was recommended.
The errors in the above quote are numerous:
1. No it was not a recommendation, it was a dispensation.
2. It was a dispensation for men, as the verse clearly states.
3. The next verse provides the steps for women and verse 4:128 speaks about if the husband is guilty of nushuz what the woman should do
4. Of the methods set out for women is the involvement of third-party mediation and this is something confirmed by all help centres who affirm that someone should be told about it and mediation should take place, and women should always leave an abusive household.
Why on earth would someone think "Well its probably a best that I don't hit my wife" when God cleary states "hit your wife."
This I find quite irritating. You have stopped asking questions and now you are making the allegation that the Qur'an COMMANDS men to hit their wives which is a blatant lie. And you can read these posts to see that no where is this said to be a command, so you are knowingly pronouncing false information.
The reality is that the Qur'an COMMANDS Muslims to strive to emulate the character of the Prophet Muhammad pbuh and this entails no hitting whatsoever. So right from the get-go we know that this is the best method possible because the Qur'an says so. The Prophet Muhammad pbuh is the highest standard of moral excellence. As for verse 4:34 it provides a dispensation, not a command or recommendation, but a dispensation to use this kind of hit in a situation where one's spouse is persisting in manifest indecency which is destructive to the marriage and where such action may actually prove productive in evoking recognition of the gravity of the situation. If this doesn't work, it should not be maintained and third-party mediation or arbitration should be looked into immediately.
I think my post has gone into detail answering all your questions. If you repeat any of the same misconceptions or allegations already debunked here ignoring the answers provided, then bear in mind that this will only reflect negatively on yourself. Thus, it is in your best interest to read over the answers carefully before formulating further questions, unless this post has sufficiently answered your misunderstandings.
Regards
kay: 
