Would you agree to move in together with your husband's family?

[Alpha Dude]

I agree with muraad. Most of the members arguing on this thread are not even married yet so the discussion is bound to jump from one extreme to another.

 

[ali-imran]

did I say anything of that sort? Putting words in my mouth and then trying to insult me?

please.....you know what you wrote...and what you were suggesting

 

[ali-imran]

I said.....
I am so glad that I have freedom of choice, to not get married or ever have to go through this ordeal.....of bringing a wife into my home.......I remain chaste, as it is my choice....and Insha Allah I will devote myself to Allah.


then you said...
Isnt it surprising that most crimes of pedophilia were done by monks and priests who had vowed to remain celibate?

why even say something like this if this is not suppose to be suggestive of something, and is not a answer or comment regarding my post? unless it is you thought I am going to be a monk or priest?

 

[جوري]

exactly my point, just telling sisters not to expect hired maids to do their house work cuz they are not "required" to do anything because reality is far different than the fatwas and online discussions

not to expect hired maids differs from making yourself available around the house to do some work. It isn't beneath anyone to do some work anywhere (but it remains true, it isn't in the job description for woman to do said things) most folks hopefully enter into a marriage with a more mature outlook (at least we hope)

if you thinking woman taking care of her house and husband is a scullery maid and she rather go rub shoulders with non-mahrams all day then to everyone their own.

If you think taking care of your wife and house is beneath you and would rather rub shoulders with non-mahrams all day and yet ( later complain that you can't make ends meet and need a little assistance, or are injured on the job, or have come down with a debilitating illness, or or or) then to each his own!

 

[جوري]

I learned that these discussions are just discussions where much of whats being discussed is quite far from reality and to an extent, practicality. It's quite easy to talk about this stuff online quoting ahadeeth and ayaat (not saying that there's anything wrong with doing that) and its a completely different matter when you actually have to deal with this stuff in real life. I mean we can go on and on about what his or her role in the marriage is or is supposed to be but believe me when you actually have to live it, it's very different. Because then you're dealing with another human being with real emotions, thoughts, and personality not an idea or an ideal. And you have a stake in that relationship because you've invested time, effort and love into it and the other side's happiness and feelings matter to you whereas right now most people in this thread (who are not married) haven't experienced that. Maybe that's the awesome thing about the religion is that it gives us the guidelines and lets us deal with the actuality ourselves as long as we're in tune with those guidelines.

Just 2 cents from another not-yet-married-guy.

for what it is worth out of the dudes on board I find you (amongst a few others) to have the potential to make your potential wife an excellent husband .. it is good to have kindness and gentility in your heart and not enter with some sort of willful hostility because you have a clearly delineated role in your mind.. this is supposed to be your life's partner not some creature brought in for your personal comfort!..

things go both ways!

 

[islamirama]

If you think taking care of your wife and house is beneath you and would rather rub shoulders with non-mahrams all day and yet ( later complain that you can't make ends meet and need a little assistance, or are injured on the job, or have come down with a debilitating illness, or or or) then to each his own!

3000yrs men have been provider of the house for the most part and today families can't make end meets and the wife need to go wear pants too? maybe people need to stop living millionaire lifestyle and come back to reality. Majority of people in Asia still live very happy and comfortably with one provider.

 

[جوري]

3000yrs men have been provider of the house for the most part and today families can't make end meets and the wife need to go wear pants too? maybe people need to stop living millionaire lifestyle and come back to reality. Majority of people in Asia still live very happy and comfortably with one provider.

1- firstly I'd argue that all there is to a family unit is to bring home the dough, I doubt very much that early Islamic societies were built on the idea that all you needed was to have bread on your table.. the pursuit of knowledge is compulsory on all Muslims men and women!
2- you can't speak for the majority since you haven't surveyed the majority women have been working since before and after the inception of Islam..
3- there is no form of ['beyt al mal' like the one Hind from the time of the prophet used to start her own business] so when something untoward should happen to the single provider the one that 'wears the pants' there would be some other means of survival that don't include haram means or begging means.

btw I should say this makes no difference to me personally, I am not made to feel guilty because I have a higher education that at some point could equal a five guy' salary and their maids I am saying it a general principal for folks who desire marriage not to go in with a certain mind set and expectation as it is a recipe for disaster.. I have no contentions with you I don't know why it always has to spiral to something tempestuous I COME IN PEACE

 

[CosmicPathos]

for what it is worth out of the dudes on board I find you (amongst a few others) to have the potential to make your potential wife an excellent husband .. it is good to have kindness and gentility in your heart and not enter with some sort of willful hostility because you have a clearly delineated role in your mind.. this is supposed to be your life's partner not some creature brought in for your personal comfort!..

things go both ways!

How could you predict the number of "dudes" from this board that will make excellent husbands? You got some mathematical equations going on for that? What is an excellent husband?

 

[جوري]

How could you predict the number of "dudes" from this board that will make excellent husbands? You got some mathematical equations going on for that? What is an excellent husband?

it isn't a numerical challenge.. it is their personality traits!

 

[islamirama]

btw I should say this makes no difference to me personally, I am not made to feel guilty because I have a higher education that at some point could equal a five guy' salary and their maids I am saying it a general principal for folks who desire marriage not to go in with a certain mind set and expectation as it is a recipe for disaster.. I have no contentions with you I don't know why it always has to spiral to something tempestuous I COME IN PEACE

Don't worry, iI too am merely pointing to folks not to go into marraige with certain mind frame, especially based what they read online vs whats reality in the world. A woman should have a BS at the very least, we live in a world where muslims are ill educated in islam and thus quick to divorce and be irrational, leaving single mothers to fend for themselves with no skill sets. I've also seen girls ask for nothing mahr or something minute, expecting their marriage and husband to be perfect, but end up with nothing at end of a divorce. People need to stop living in dream world or "ideal islamic conditions" world and face reality. I'm sure you can afford 5 guys and their maids salary (common in middle east) in a few years easily

 

[islamirama]

for what it is worth out of the dudes on board I find you (amongst a few others) to have the potential to make your potential wife an excellent husband .. it is good to have kindness and gentility in your heart and not enter with some sort of willful hostility because you have a clearly delineated role in your mind.. this is supposed to be your life's partner not some creature brought in for your personal comfort!..

things go both ways!

just an FYI, some people tend to be totally different online vs offline, so much so as you would think two different personalities or different people...

 

[CosmicPathos]

Don't worry, iI too am merely pointing to folks not to go into marraige with certain mind frame, especially based what they read online vs whats reality in the world. A woman should have a BS at the very least, we live in a world where muslims are ill educated in islam and thus quick to divorce and be irrational, leaving single mothers to fend for themselves with no skill sets. I've also seen girls ask for nothing mahr or something minute, expecting their marriage and husband to be perfect, but end up with nothing at end of a divorce. People need to stop living in dream world or "ideal islamic conditions" world and face reality. I'm sure you can afford 5 guys and their maids salary (common in middle east) in a few years easily

If you put filters such as "woman must have a BS in the first place" without facilitating women to gain education I do not see how could you get a woman who has a BS. Vast majority of Muslims in this world live lives where they do not have a luxury to send their children to high school, let alone to a university to get a BS. Now it seems you are out of touch from reality.

 

[جوري]

just an FYI, some people tend to be totally different online vs offline, so much so as you would think two different personalities or different people...

so true.. but multiple personalities can be fun in a marriage if you enjoy the challenge and a house with extra rooms ;D;D;D

 

[islamirama]

If you put filters such as "woman must have a BS in the first place" without facilitating women to gain education I do not see how could you get a woman who has a BS. Vast majority of Muslims in this world live lives where they do not have a luxury to send their children to high school, let alone to a university to get a BS. Now it seems you are out of touch from reality.

i was referring to those living the west, attaining a BS should not be difficult for them considering the amount of Financial aid available. Of course it would vary depending on the locality of each individual.

 

[islamirama]

so true.. but multiple personalities can be fun in a marriage if you enjoy the challenge and a house with extra rooms ;D;D;D

so long as your spouse don't start thinking of you cheating on them

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Excellent article, very relevant to this thread:

The Prophet Muhammad mentioned concerning the fast, “One who does not abandon false speech and acting on its imperatives, God has no need that he gives up his food and drink.” (Al-Bukhari) These narrations emphasize that there is far more to Islam than a mere adherence to rulings.

This is especially true in our marriages. Too many Muslims are involved in marriages that devolve into an empty observation of duties and an equally vacuous demand for the fulfillment of rights. While such practices are laudable in their proper context, when they are divorced from kindness, consideration, empathy, and true commitment they define marriages that become a fragile caricature. Such relationships are irreparably shattered by a silly argument, a few wrinkles on the face, unwanted pounds around the waist, a personality quirk or a whimsical desire to play the field to see if one can latch on to someone prettier, wealthier, younger, or possibly more exciting than one’s spouse.

These are issues that affect men and women. However, we men must step up and do our part to help to arrest the alarmingly negative state of gender relations in our communities. The level of chivalry the current crisis demands does not require that we pretend to be blind for twenty years. However, it does require some serious soul searching, and it demands that we ask ourselves some hard questions. For instance, why are so many Muslim men averse to marrying older or previously married women? The general feeling among the women folk in our communities is that if you are not married by the age of twenty-five, then you have only two chances of being married thereafter –slim and none. This sentiment pervades our sisters’ minds and hearts because of the reality they experience. Many brothers who put off marriage until they are past thirty-five will oftentimes marry someone close to half their age, passing over a generation of women who are intellectually and psychologically more compatible with them and would prove wiser parents for their children.

Despite this problem, and the clear social, psychological and cultural pathologies it breeds, many of us will hasten to give a lecture reminding our audience of the fact that Khadija, the beloved wife of our Prophet, was fifteen years his senior. We might even mention that she and several of his other wives were previously married. Why is it that what was good enough for our Prophet is repugnant to ourselves or our sons?

A related question would be, “Why are so many of our brothers so hesitant to marry strong, independent and intellectually astute women?” Many women in the West lack the support of extended family networks, which is increasingly true even in the Muslim world. Therefore, they must seek education or professional training to be in a position to support themselves if necessary, or to assist their husbands; an increasingly likely scenario owing to the nature of work in postindustrial societies. This sociological fact leads to women in the West generally manifesting a degree of education and independence that might not be present among women in more traditional societies and times – even though such societies are rapidly disappearing.

Many Muslim men will pass over talented, educated women who are willing to put their careers and education on hold, if need be, to commit to a family. The common reason given is that such women are too assertive, or they are not the kind of women the prospective husband’s mother is used to. As a result a significant number of our sisters, despite their beauty, talent, maturity, and dynamism are passed over for marriage in favour of an idealised, demure “real” Muslim woman. The social consequences of this practice are extremely grave for our community.

Again, we can ask ourselves, “To what extent does this practice conform to the prophetic model?” Our Prophet was surrounded by strong, assertive and independent women. His beloved Khadija, who we have previously mentioned, was one of the most successful business people in the Arabian Peninsula, and her wealth allowed the Prophet to retreat to the Cave of Hira where he would receive the first revelation.

Ayesha, despite her young age was an assertive, free-spirited, intellectual powerhouse who would become one of the great female scholars in history. The foundation for her intellectual greatness was laid by the Prophet himself who recognised her brilliance. Zainab bint Jahsh ran a “non-profit” organisation. She would make various handicrafts, sell them in the market and then use the proceeds to secretly give charity to the poor people of Medina. Umm Salamah had the courage to migrate from Mecca to Medina, unescorted, although she was ultimately accompanied by a single rider. She also had the vision to resolve the crisis at Hudaybiyya. These were all wives of the Prophet. To their names we could add those of many other strong and dynamic women who played a major role in the life of the fledgling Muslim community.

[...]

Marriage is not a playground where the ego thoughtlessly pursues its vanities. This is something the chivalrous young man mentioned at the outset of this essay understood. It is an institution that helps a man and a woman pursue the purpose of their creation: to glorify and worship God and to work, within the extent of our capabilities and resources, to make the world a better place for those we share it with and for those we will leave it to. This role is beautifully captured in the Qur’an, “The believing men and women are the supporting friends of each other. They enjoin right, forbid wrong, establish regular prayer, pay the poor due, and they obey God and His Messenger. They expect God’s Mercy. Surely, God is Mighty, Wise.” (9:71)​

http://muslimmatters.org/2010/04/01/the-ethics-of-chivalry-imam-zaid-shakir/

 

[جوري]

so long as your spouse don't start thinking of you cheating on them

I guess we'd be exonerated when one personality puts out a contract on the other..

 

[islamirama]

I guess we'd be exonerated when one personality puts out a contract on the other..

I am curious to see how such a person would act/behave after seeing a video of their different personalities hmm

one thing is for sure, it'll keep the spice n flame in marriage burning longer :giggling:

 

[syilla]

Excellent article, very relevant to this thread:

The Prophet Muhammad mentioned concerning the fast, “One who does not abandon false speech and acting on its imperatives, God has no need that he gives up his food and drink.” (Al-Bukhari) These narrations emphasize that there is far more to Islam than a mere adherence to rulings.

​

thank you so much for the linkkk :statisfie

In the literature discussing Futuwwa, which has been translated as Muslim chivalry, there is the story of a young man who was engaged to marry a particularly beautiful woman. Before the wedding day, his fiancée was afflicted with a severe case of chicken pox which left her face terribly disfigured. Her father wrote to him informing him of the situation and asking if he preferred to call off the wedding. The young man replied that he would still marry his daughter, but that he had recently experienced a gradual loss of sight, which he feared would culminate in blindness.

The wedding proceeded as planned and the couple had a loving and happy relationship until the wife died twenty years later. Upon her death the husband regained his eyesight. When asked about his seemingly miraculous recovery he explained that he could see all along. He had feigned blindness all those years because he did not want to offend or sadden his wif

 

[¤ ιмαи ¤]

Honestly no..
I like to have my own home, and do things for my husband.
I think his mom would want to take over my job as she's used to it..
Also I would love to have the privacy of my home.
Of coarse I would love to see her a lot, and I'd invite her over, but no.
I doubt I'd live with them.