Would you agree to move in together with your husband's family?

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Would you agree to move in together with your husband's family?

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I hope this thread will benefit others by presenting the situation from different perspectives, insha'llah.
 
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mad_scientist said:
its unislamic to kiss your husband public or non-mehrams.
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I think in the past , couples were more happy than the couples of the modern time. During day time , they were not allowed to spend time together . So the couple waited for night when they can talk to each other in private and can spend time closely.

That restriction increased the attraction between two . They had no time to fight over little things . Now a days , when there is no such restriction , we see couples fight like cats and dogs over silly matters. When no one is around them to stop , they fight freely . Also if u always get a chance to kiss spouse , may be u will lose attratction soon .





A Muslim raised in the West or living in the West will find it perfectly Islamic not to offer his/her snack to his friend
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I don't think it's Islamic ; we dont' have any example from Prophet pbuh that he ate food alone without offering to others.

In Islam u do anything good , u will get rewad from Allah. So , if share foood with others , it's a good deed undoubtedly . U don't have to stay outside the west to do it . Offer food to ur western friend , try to teach him/her a good thing .
 
Culture wise when the parents are elderly they move in with their kids. My grandma and grandpa live with us but that is when they are elderly not when they are still relatively young. Elderly parents are not thrown in nursing homes or left to fend for themselves. But the majority of people from where i'm from marry in their 20's and therefore their parents are in their 40-50's and don't want their kids living with them. After raising their kids for however much years parents want some freedom when their kids marry and start families of their own. Also a man that brings his wife to live in his family home is seen as deficient in some way be it money or independence wise.
I would'nt mind living close to my inlaws or even in the same neighborhood but I would never live in the same house with them. This is a foreign practice to me.
Salam
 
Everyone brings up great points here. I think there are many factors that would play into a situation like this. However, if Allah swt has loved you enough to bring into your life a partner that will be a wonderful gift in your life, you should make ever single ounce of effort to make it work every single day. Lots of people thing marriage is a fairytale until the honeymoon faze is over and you are left with an unsavory taste in your mouth because you thought it was going to be all roses and daisies. Well, sorry, it isnt. So with that in mind, if you are an individual who doesnt quit easily and is willing to work hard everyday of your life for the rest of your life to keep a marriage healthy I do not doubt that you will be able to live a happy life with your significant other.
 
Gossamer skye said:
my two cents anyway.. I think that practice is strange and antiquated and I hope it dissolves for the sanity of all involved and for the sanctity of the institution of marriage ..

:w:
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You are entitled to your opinion but I disagree that it is strange and antiquated. I think it is a lovely practice if done right.
Take for example one of my dear cousins. He has the financial ability to have a very large house. On the third floor is his mother and father, they have their own bathroom, master bedroom, closet space and sitting area.
Second floor is his wife and himself with a master bedroom and another bedroom for their son. They have their own bathroom and closets as well.
Downstairs is the kitchen and living room etc......
that kind of situation is ideal, but I know it can be rare.

Everyone has their preference and there is nothing wrong with preferring not to. Some people like you pointed out are accustomed to living a certain way. That is why, when meeting a potential husband/wife, you should discuss that topic and see if you are on the same level.
This is why so many divorces have resulted from this very issue, people do not communicate.
If you are someone who loves wearing shorts and tank top at home and being free to lay, sit, dance do whatever in your home than you should discuss living arrangement before you hop into the marriage wagon.
If you are the husband and asking for a young lady to marry you and you know your parents will be living with you it is your duty to tell her so she knows what awaits her.

But like I said its complicated and each situation demands different things.
Sometimes a couple marries and enjoys living without in laws for years and years than something may happen where one or both in laws need to move in. This is one of those times in my opinion where you must grin and bear it. That or you will have to deal with what may happen if you send them to a nursing home. I am appalled that anyone would send their in laws to a nursing home let alone their own parents! I find it degrading to the parents.
 
If you want to get married young, then you probably have to agree to move in with your in-laws... It's sort of like a package deal.
 
AlbanianMuslim said:
But like I said its complicated and each situation demands different things.
Sometimes a couple marries and enjoys living without in laws for years and years than something may happen where one or both in laws need to move in. This is one of those times in my opinion where you must grin and bear it. That or you will have to deal with what may happen if you send them to a nursing home. I am appalled that anyone would send their in laws to a nursing home let alone their own parents! I find it degrading to the parents.
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This reminds of something my aunt told me occured when she worked in a nursing home. There was an elderly lebanese man who would always complain to my aunt about how his kids abandoned him, how lonely he was and how he didn't like being surrounded by non-muslims all the time. Very sad situation, you should never abandon your parents in their time of need since they took care of you when you needed them but I think this inlaw situation is a bit different.
Salam
 
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Muslim Woman said:
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If the house is big i.e has seperate rooms for the married couples , then in Bangladesh still sons remain with parert after marriage. And Of Course it depends if the wife can adjust with the family members .

Sometimes wives of two brothers start to hate each other so much ( over the control of family's matters ) that it ruins the whole atmostphere. Sometimes brothers don't talk to each other or even with nephews/ nieces because of this fear that how wife will react to see husband is talking to her ' opponents ' .

A proverb here says : brothers are so close as they have blood relations . They only seperate because of women.

I pray that we all will be more conscios about family values and will think about death more freequently . May be then we will spend more time to do good deeds and won't be a part of family crisis.
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haha we pakistanis are so similar to bengalis. After all South Asians.

But yes, it so sad that fights erupt in families because of marriages. Mostly they are based on petty issues and ignorance. I just pray that we broaden our horizons as much as possible through education that we stop fighting over petty issues.
 
Muslim Woman said:
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I think in the past , couples were more happy than the couples of the modern time. During day time , they were not allowed to spend time together . So the couple waited for night when they can talk to each other in private and can spend time closely.

That restriction increased the attraction between two . They had no time to fight over little things . Now a days , when there is no such restriction , we see couples fight like cats and dogs over silly matters. When no one is around them to stop , they fight freely . Also if u always get a chance to kiss spouse , may be u will lose attratction soon .







I don't think it's Islamic ; we dont' have any example from Prophet pbuh that he ate food alone without offering to others.

In Islam u do anything good , u will get rewad from Allah. So , if share foood with others , it's a good deed undoubtedly . U don't have to stay outside the west to do it . Offer food to ur western friend , try to teach him/her a good thing .
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Well I try share it based on my religio-cultural reasons. But ive seen Muslim brothers not doing that with me, not that I want their food, but one seems to take notice of other's actions. I mean even if they offered me, I would not take their food, it's just the gesture of friendliness that matters. :p

Secondly, back home, people and friends come to your house on the weekend without calling you in advance to let you know that they will ruin your day! It happens among desis as well as Arabs, I was reading up on Iraqi culture etc. Now its unheard of in the West. You have to call your friend and ask their permission to show up instead of showing up at their house unexpectedly. And I actually like that. This seems to be more in line with Islamic thought that you do not waste someone's time by disturbing them while visiting them unexpectedly!

But if this happens to you when you are visiting back home and tell that to your guests that they should have taken appointment before coming to your house, they'd not like this and would think that you have become "too Western minded."
 
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I have to say that my grandmother (Allah yer7mha) never had an empty house.. to the day she died.. she had her home and was constantly cooking for someone because there was always someone at her house someone always slept over with her and on the weekend everyone was there.. we don't abandon our elders.. but we don't burden them with our presence and problems either.. they have paid their dues and deserve some rest..

:w:
 
Gossamer skye said:
I have to say that my grandmother (Allah yer7mha) never had an empty house.. to the day she died.. she had her home and was constantly cooking for someone because there was always someone at her house someone always slept over with her and on the weekend everyone was there.. we don't abandon our elders.. but we don't burden them with our presence and problems either.. they have paid their dues and deserve some rest..

:w:
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thats amazing mashAllah. But the thing is some elders feel they will have rest if their children live with them and do stuff for them. Afterall, rest would be if they dont have to enter the kitchen to make food for themselves. etc.
 
mad_scientist said:
thats amazing mashAllah. But the thing is some elders feel they will have rest if their children live with them and do stuff for them. Afterall, rest would be if they dont have to enter the kitchen to make food for themselves. etc.
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we all loved grandma's food-- of course she didn't do everything herself (luckily I can't cook and the one time I made tea back then my poor brother vomited, though he was such a good sport to drink it and pretend he liked it) lol.. toward the end my grandma was in bad shape and faint even going to the bathroom.. Allah yerhmaha.. I miss her so much imsadimsad :cry:

:w:
 
I know a lot of people (not ALL but a lot) build an extra floor onto the house... the 2nd or in some rare cases 3rd floor of the house is complete with kitchen and bathroom and thats where the new bride and groom live. now dont get me wrong its not for everyone and it really depends on the inlaws and the new bride and blah blah blah but thats a practical way for the wife to move into the husbands family house without all the drama of actually living in the same AREA...

but family is a HUGE thing there.

My husband and i whenever we go ALWAYS ALWAYS stay with his parents. it would be disrespectful not to. but then again i would not want to stay anywhere else...

now 5 years ago if someone said to me hey would you stay at your inlaws house every time you go to visit i would say oh heck no.... but after meeting my in laws... there is no where i would rather be... before you say no and close yourself off at least see what the relationship is like. and do they mean move into one room or do they mean build sort of like an apartment above the house... it all depends on circumstance...
 
Gossamer skye said:
I have to say that my grandmother (Allah yer7mha) never had an empty house.. to the day she died.. she had her home and was constantly cooking for someone because there was always someone at her house someone always slept over with her and on the weekend everyone was there.. we don't abandon our elders.. but we don't burden them with our presence and problems either.. they have paid their dues and deserve some rest..

:w:
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That is another ideal situation. (p.s. i hope you didnt misunderstand me of accusing you of abandoning elders, not at all directed to you in that sense)

I think its wonderful when families are close enough that they do it that way.
My family personally, we took turns. My grandmother would spend a month at our house, a month at another one of her sons house, then a daughters house (usually she would only spend a week at the daughters houses) and then a different son and so on. She loved it that way. Everyone got to have time with her and she wasnt abandoned.

Where it becomes an issue is when they are shoved off to a home or ignored or disrespected. The way I have seen some daughter in laws treat their mother in laws, if I was the mother in law Id rather be in a home than endure that kind of garbage from some young little twit who thinks she runs the place just because she married my son. ;D
 
I don't mind... because my hubby's side is 'a bit' nicer (good) than mine. :X But probably is easier to say that done.

But in my opinion...wherever i go/stay for sure they'll be a problem in whatever ways. So it doesn't make any difference to me. Problems and annoyance are something we have to live with it, find solutions, take precautions and be a survivor...huhuhu. That'll teach you to be a much better muslim InshaAllah :)
 
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Gossamer skye said:
we all loved grandma's food-- of course she didn't do everything herself (luckily I can't cook and the one time I made tea back then my poor brother vomited, though he was such a good sport to drink it and pretend he liked it) lol.. toward the end my grandma was in bad shape and faint even going to the bathroom.. Allah yerhmaha.. I miss her so much imsadimsad :cry:

:w:
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may Allah have mercy on her soul. ameen.

i think I can make good tea. :p But of course my mom would still say that I suck at doing kitchen chores and I probably do compared to her.
:wa:
 

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