Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

yes his and my parents accepted lately our marriage.

To mine I never tell that I was the second wife. As the Christians they wouldn´t understand me at all. :embarrass May Allah accepts my little lie to my mom and dad.

By the way it is crime in my country but my crime is already growing old. No need to call police about it.

;D

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

OK, my first response to Brother Ali_008's question was No.

So dear sisters, would you allow your husband to take another wife?

No

But since speaking to my Husband about the possibility of him marrying again, I have become enlightened in his thoughts of it and I was able to express myself too.

He basically said to me that he had considered marrying again, and he thought about it at length too but he is happy with me as his soul mate and doesn't want anyone else. He said (his exact words, they're imprinted on my mind), "We shall be together in this life and :ia: in Jannah too", I couldn't control the waterworks and it began. After I finally stopped, used a whole box of Kleenex (balsam ones; they're very good, I must say), he had asked me what are my thoughts on the matter. I responded saying it will be very x100 hard for me as I know I will become jealous and intolerant of her and the fact that I will become very possessive over him. But now reading y'all views and thoughts, I showed them to my Husband, I said, if :Allah: gave me Sabr and the strength in our marriage then He will surely give it to me if you ever marry again. I said that I will try my utmost to be caring, loving and be a good sister to her but we would have to have separate houses (I like that option), I also said to him you never know what the future holds and what :Allah: has in store for us. My Husband agreed and said that he will always consult me if he ever does reconsider about taking another wife.

So, there y'all go. Our thoughts.

None of us will never know what lies in store for us all but always know that :Allah: will never ever burden us with trials and tests that we can't handle and deal with.

Stay true to :Allah:, be strong and keep making Du'a

Making Du'a for y'all always

:salamext:

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

yes his and my parents accepted lately our marriage.

That's what mattered the most

By the way it is crime in my country but my crime is already growing old. No need to call police about it.

No need, indeed ;D

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I did and I didn't even suspect it, I just assumed that he would be pious. The naivety

Basically, it's coming up to five years of my marriage, , I married very young, was in 6th Form. In the early days of our marriage, I picked up on the fact that he didn't read his Namaaz, nor his Qur'aan, whenever I would ask him he would always have an excuse.

He was and is the most patient, caring, big-hearted man I've ever had the privilege to meet, despite the fact he never used to read his Namaaz or read the Qur'aan.

I always woke up for Fajr and read Salaah by myself and in my Du'as every day, I would cry my heart out to to give me Sabr, to guide my husband onto the true path, to give me the strength to help in guiding him and to increase my Imaan so I can be strong for my husband. This went on for 3 long, long, years and a bit, I would still ask him to read with me but he again he would make excuses, I noticed he would always keep his fasts during Ramadhaan and read his full Salaah then too.

One day, I woke up for Fajr and began reading my Salaah, the next thing I know, he lays a Salaah mat next to mine and begins to read his Fajr!!! After I had finished my Salaah, the waterworks turned on full blast then, I couldn't stop! My beloved husband held me and then we had a long, long, long chat about the past, present and the imminent future that we can face together with the strength of our love in Allaah, Islam and for each other. He repented then and is always repenting as am I, for we should always ask for forgiveness for everything. Obviously, there will be times when one of us go down, or be faced with a trial that truly tests us but now we know we have each other and with in our hearts we can never fail

The joy, happiness and the peace that filled me then is always with me now, you don't understand the amount of tears, hurt and suffering I endured because he would not read his Salaah or Qur'aan. Now he reads his 5 Salaah, Qur'aan every morning with me, goes to the Masjid regularly, does charity runs and events too It has been worth every tear, pain and hurt that I endured.

The hardest test I had faced without a doubt in my life.

truly blessed me with Sabr and strength, I had never lost hope. Now, he's the one who wakes me up for Fajr!!! The cheek! Lol! I'm truly happy now and will be now knowing he's there for me and I'm there for him (he said so himself! Yippee! )

I must say I thought of it as a challenge after I found out his attitude towards Salaah, even though I knew I would suffer a tremendous amount of hurt and pain, and it may not end positively and might have had to face up to the reality of it not working out However, it has all worked out, is truly the best.

So, there's always hope even for a lost soul, one should never give up and with always there to guide and help, one can never fail

Y'all keep making Du'a and always be optimistic (my husband taught me optimism - haha!)

Mashallah, that was very delightful to read..I am so happy for you wallah. I can agree with you that there's always hope for a lost soul. Sometimes even marrying someone who is religious may not turn out so great in the end either because they can lose a lot of their iman. It's all in the hands of Allah. I say what I said because I also have experience being engaged to someone who did not pray or know more about the deen. He had a westernized mentality with some issues. It actually started affecting my iman because I wanted to fit into his lifestyle more. It sounds so crazy when i think of it now, but that's what happened. Alhemdulilah it didn't work out with him and it was by Allah's decree alhemdulilah. Allah blessed me with someone a million times better and I can't think of ever going back to that same mindset where I would accept the possibility of someone changing later on over just marrying someone who is religious from the beginning. I mean I honestly liked the idea of marrying someone who I'd be able to change and help, who can lean on me, etc. but if you are not strong, that person may start changing you for the worse instead, or you could be wasting your time and life struggling to become better on your own verses doing it when you have a good support system by your side. Love may keep me with someone who is not religious, but my heart would not be fully at rest knowing that I am in love with a person who's not good for my iman.

May Allah bless you for being more mature and stronger than most women. Alhemdulilah that Allah has rewarded your patience with a more pious husband, you are a such an amazing, beautiful, and wonderful wife for not giving up on someone you almost lost hope on mashallah <3 I feel Allah was testing you with a test and you passed it alhemdulilah, but many women are not as lucky as having their husbands change for the better and it's in Allah's definite wisdom for that reason.

Marriage itself is a blessing from Allah, so whoever we end up with is by Allah's decree, and if we do everything correctly in regards to getting married (praying istikhara, making sincere dua that allah bless us with a person good for our iman) then Allah knows what we do not about the way this person will affect us in the end whether their iman is good or not.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I want to ask a question.

WHO on this entire thread is married or has every been married? those are the only folks who should be speaking out, because even a sister (this thread began as a question for sisters) with the best of intentions doesn't know what she's talking about until she has been married for a while, that's the truth. I get tired of seeing hypothetical scenarios. People who have been married understand that it is difficult enough to make ONE MARRIAGE work, let alone multiple ones.

I was married for 6 years. Unfortunately it ended in divorce and now a child suffers for it. Yes everything happens for a reason, and I have grown tons after my divorce Alhamdullilah, and it is probably why I'm comfortable with polygamy(I never said it would be easy for me, it would probably be extremely painful at first), after having to provide for myself and my child and going through some very hard times, I would not wish this upon any sister. I have seen some spoiled rotten women who are very ungrateful and all they do is complain, then they cry because their husbands want to take on another wife. Count your blessings if ur married and make it work! Treat ur husband with kindness and respect, be grateful. If polygamy comes up in your marriage, take a deep look within and put yourself in widow or divorcee's shoes. What if you end up there one day and some selfish sister "forbade" her husband from taking on another wife and u end up alone for the rest of your life with no one to give you some love and attention and put a roof over your head, would you like that for yourself? Again I repeat, nobody said it would be a walk in the park, but Allah made you a woman, and he will not put more on your shoulders than you can bare. Let your heart, not your corrupted naffs lead you. What about wanting for our sisters what we want for ourselves? If you had to walk those shoes, wouldn't you want a good husband to take care of you?

ETA: I don't intend to guilt any of my sisters. I do apologize if I come off high and mighty. It isn't my intention. What I say to you I am saying to myself also. I'd be a big liar to say that polygamy is my favorite subject and it's the best thing right after sliced bread . It isn't an easy subject, and definitely not my favorite. My experiences have forced me to reflect and rethink all of this, not only that, but also as I learn my deen more, things like this become easier to understand, accept and talk about. 5 years ago I wouldn't even imagine saying some of the things I do. Anyway, all I'm saying is, don't be so quick to dismiss the idea. There's alot more to say but, not for this thread anyway.

As for the brothers, lol. It is usually the young ones who want the multiple wives, as I said before, try making one marriage work first, see how ur brain gets eaten daily, and multiply that times 4. Get real. It's just hormones speaking. I have seen a man driven out of his home by two wives, he didn't want to come back and was contemplating on divorcing both of them (I'm friends with both wives). Also, if you want to take on another wife, do it for the right reasons(this is for those who keep saying, they don't HAVE to marry a divorcee or widow etc), Allah gave us freedom of choice, Allah knows your heart and your intentions. Remember if it's your hormones and desires you follow, there's animals out there who can copulate better than you, eat more than you and be better animals than you. Because they were created to be animals. YOU, as a human are created to grow and be better than a beast. If you take on another wife, do it to help the ummah.

Throw tomatoes at me, I don't care.

- cOsMiC

 

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

The last few posts are the reasons why I wanted only married brothers and sisters to contribute. I believe this is one of the rare occasions when one actually learns about the other side of marriage. A really good example all of you are to those who are unmarried I believe. May Allah bless you in your marriages.

 

[tigerkhan]

i have nothing to add in this hot topic...but what i see in live of Prophet PBUH, marriage was not a purpose, like many guys now a days actually had purpose of life to marry a beautiful woman. so after sometime with that woman, they start thing for another. In prophet PBUH life and lives of Suhabiyaat, the purpose was to spread islam. so if marriage is supporting their purpose, they went for it regardless of whether it was 2nd, 3rd or 4th. Same was with suhabiyaat, they don't like to live life as widow but they usually marry again after death of first husband.
personally i think "nikah" should be made more common and easy but not for the lust of males but sake of Islam and humanity.

 

[Ali_008]

Also, if you want to take on another wife, do it for the right reasons(this is for those who keep saying, they don't HAVE to marry a divorcee or widow etc)

I have a way for such brothers as well who wish to take a second wife, but not a widow or a divorcee. They can marry those girls who aren't married yet, because they are past the age of marriage. It is more of a culture issue. In some cultures, even 25 is an age where the girls are considered bad for marriage.

People who have been married understand that it is difficult enough to make ONE MARRIAGE work, let alone multiple ones.

As for the brothers, lol. It is usually the young ones who want the multiple wives, as I said before, try making one marriage work first, see how ur brain gets eaten daily, and multiply that times 4.

I have tried to draw everybody's attention to that as well. In fact, I think the man gets lot lot lot more on his shoulders when he goes for a 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th marriage. I've listed out the troubles the guy faces in other posts in this thread such as:

[BANANA]

I am finding it weird that nobody's is mentioning anything about the guy's ordeal in all this. Come on, multiple wives doesn't just mean multiple sex partners, it also means multiple responsibilities. 90% of the world population would say that they are unhappy, and the burden of responsibilities is thrusting them into the ground. Most people generally handle just one household, and claim to be dealing with the most difficult situations everyday. Think about a pious Muslim with multiple wives, that guy has twice or thrice or even four times the trouble which you're facing. He has to apply for four credit cards, and pay for them as well. He has to look after four different sets of kids. He has to make sure that four different women in all shapes and forms are content and satisfied on a daily basis. He is the shepherd of 4 different herds. The questions you'll be asked on the day of judgment just once, he'll be asked those question 4 times. He can't even think of a life without his watch and organizer.

I had once read the interview of two co-wives from Australia. Even they admitted that the one who has the most difficult time in their arrangement is the husband who has twice the trouble that regular husbands have.

[/BANANA]
[MOUSE]

I wanted to see what people would say about the predicaments that the man faces by taking more wives, but so far only Sister Zaria has addressed it in someway. On the outside, it would seem cool to have more women to get physical with, but that's what the problem is with our perverted heads. There is so so much more to marriage then just intimacy. As a matter of fact, even if we take intimacy as THE only factor in marriages then a guy with 4 wives will have a tough life anyway, because he will always have a pregnant companion among the four he chose. By the time, all four would have delivered in succession (a total of 36 months = 3 years), the first one will be ready for another baby, and the cycle will continue. Just imagine, a life or a chunk of life dedicated to satiating cravings. :scared: Man!!!! It's tough to be a husband to more than one.

[/MOUSE]

Allah has allowed it for us, but it is also very evident that it isn't cakewalk in anyway for both the husband and the wives involved.

That makes sense, but on the other hand, it could be hard for a woman to live completely alone half the time (or two thirds or three quarters of the time). I'd like to be open to this idea in the future insha Allah but personally, I'd rather have the feeling of protection of not living alone than worry about jealousy. I'm surprised that jealousy is a bigger problem. I suppose it really depends on the personalities of the people involved, I was just wondering if it was permissible to have separate apartments in the same house, as I got the impression from some posts that it wasn't acceptable at all. I mean apartments on separate floors, not close together or anything. In some African countries, families have a kind of compound, and then have separate buildings inside it, and I've seen films where the wives had a good relationship with each other and the children all played together. Personally, I'd prefer that to living alone and my kids not knowing my husband's other kids, and me not knowing his other wives. Obviously the scholars know what they are talking about when they derive these rulings, but would it still be discouraged if that was the cultural norm?

Like I've said before, only the affluent people should engage in polygyny, because only they can comfortably take all the expenses that come with it. I didn't mean that the homes should be too far from each other. Let's say two houses in a compound that are next to each other or adjacent to each other will be perfect in my opinion. Convenient for the husband to keep dividing the time between his wives without having to worry about the distance, and convenient for the wives to be for each other at times when the husband isn't around. Also, gives them the comfort of visiting each other, fostering trust between each other, and the kids can play with their half-siblings as well.

In this case if the divorce does happen, the man loses a wife. The wife will then be "unmarried."

Lose-Lose situation tbh.

Go back to the post where I responded to that question in the first place. The response above the quote box was for Indian Bro, what I wrote below the quote box was for you.

Secondly, you say its not a "fard" to do so, but you're fine with a woman denying this right to a man. Allah (s.w.t.) knows more than all of us, why can you guys accept that and just agree that polygamy is something part of our religion and it's the HUSBANDS choice, not the wife. The husband will be questioned if he does injustice and the wife will be questioned if she disallows her husband from doing something which Allah (s.w.t.) made halal.

Thirdly, are you implying that this particular law of Islam is only applicable at the time of a particular crisis? Please correct me if I have misunderstood anything.

All of us here acknowledge that it is part of our deen. It is the husband's right for sure, but if the marriage contract says that the wife's consent is required then it becomes a wife's right as well. There are some cases in which the sisters straight out put the clause that as long as the man is married to them, he can't take a second wife, let alone seek permission. Allah has made the deen easy for us. If a wife hasn't chosen to put any such clause, even then she should be consulted because it showed the piety and liberty on her part to let the husband do this. She has to be respected for it, and CONSULTED. Consultation doesn't, necessarily, mean asking for consent. Moreover, a second marriage will impact the first wife's life, and one has to consider that as well. Thus, the wife's involvement and willingness is a lot more important than given credit for.

I didn't imply any such thing. I just said that if there were a crisis like that then it will highly important to take multiple wives. Only the scholars can tag whether it will be anything even close to let's say waajib.

 

[Independent]

Does anyone have any experience of this from the child's point of view? I ask because children tend to be very jealous of their parent's affection.

I'm from a large family myself and I know that all of us at various times were convinced our parents favoured one child or another (even though in truth they could not have been more even-handed in the way they brought us up). Also, in my case, my father worked extremely hard and although the family was his priority, there are only so many hours in the day.

This jealousy problem must surely be even harder to avoid in a situation where there are also other half brothers and sisters.

 

[ardianto]

My reason to not marry more than one woman is because I'm not able to manage polygamy which one wife respect other wife(s). I'm sure they must be jealous and hate each other. That's if my first wife does not choose to leave me. This is what I never want. I just want to have a family which my wife and kids feel happy.

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I have a way for such brothers as well who wish to take a second wife, but not a widow or a divorcee. They can marry those girls who aren't married yet, because they are past the age of marriage. It is more of a culture issue. In some cultures, even 25 is an age where the girls are considered bad for marriage.

Yes, that's an option as well, there's sisters who have reached their 30's and never been married, and due to culture chances get slimmer as the years go by. How unfair. As long all women have an opportunity to marry, that's what is important. This is one of the reasons polygamy is allowed.

Another kind of scenario for example, I know of a sister, whom her husband divorced her because she cannot have children. Due to cultural mumbo jumbo, she has not been able to re-marry. Should she spend the rest of her life alone because she can't have kids? :hmm: Not all divorcees adn widows come with the responsibility of children ya know....

My reason to not marry more than one woman is because I'm not able to manage polygamy which one wife respect other wife(s). I'm sure they must be jealous and hate each other. That's if my first wife does not choose to leave me. This is what I never want. I just want to have a family which my wife and kids feel happy.

That's exactly how it is NOT supposed to be. A little jelousy is normal. When prophet Muhammad (saw) was gong to mary Umm Salama, Aisha(ra) was soo worried that Umm Salamah was much more beautiful than she was. Umm Salama was much older than Aisha (ra), yet it was still a worry to her and she was a bit jealous at first. We will find many stories like these when we study the lives of the wives of the prophet (saw). Rivalry, that's what the problem is and that is due to the weakness of imaan we have now. Every muslim woman knows polygamy is permissible, so instead of finding excuses as to why "it's not for them" they should ask themselves why they have such a difficult time accepting the idea, we cannot accept portions of Islam, we must accept it all.

What will happen the day polygamy is actually necessary? More people have died in wars in modern times than in the past. The first to go are usually the men. Women outnumber men, so where are all the unmarried women? who is taking care of them?

food for thought.

Also, men shoudln't be afraid of their first wife leaving them. Who wears the pants? If first wife wants to leave, she will be facing being on her own (with or without kids.) I've seen this happen also lol. First wife wouldn't have it, left, destroyed the family. It was very difficult on the children, they were in the beginning of their youth, just imagine. As for her, she was left all alone, as the kids couldn't even stand how bitter she became so they moved in with dad. It was her choice to be alone, and if she wanted to ever remarry, it would probably have to be as a second wife, considering her age. The irony. Wouldn't it have been better for everyone involved if she tried to be more understanding instead of blowing up and TALAAQ! u_u

Polygamy should be introduced gently and with some wisdom, no woman is gonna like it if one day you come home and say "honey, guess what? ur sister wife is in the car waiting for you to let her in ". Yeah uhm, that's not gonna fly and there will be lots of disharmony.I feel personally, as a woman, this is one of the main reasons women reject polygamy right off the bat, and I don't blame them. I also feel panic at the thought of being in a polygamous marriage because of the unfairness I've witnessed. Due to all the horror stories and men not doing things properly, women have become less flexible to the concept of polygamy, that's what I think anyway. I've seen it, I've heard it and have yet to hear of one polygamous marriage gone right.

It takes two hands to clap. It takes two to tango.

This is just my opinion. Everyone has one of those so, take it as you wish.

- cOsMiC

 

[May Ayob]

Does anyone have any experience of this from the child's point of view? I ask because children tend to be very jealous of their parent's affection.

I'm from a large family myself and I know that all of us at various times were convinced our parents favoured one child or another (even though in truth they could not have been more even-handed in the way they brought us up). Also, in my case, my father worked extremely hard and although the family was his priority, there are only so many hours in the day.

This jealousy problem must surely be even harder to avoid in a situation where there are also other half brothers and sisters.

I'm not from a large family, but my grandmother was and her father married another woman I guess it depends, from her experience she said it was fine with her and she grew on them ( her father's wife and half siblings) but I think she might be a rare exception because she told me that her step mom was a very kind and loving woman so maybe that's why? I don't know I also think she had problems with her own mom. But I would imagine for it too be very hard for the kids to get along, because each one wants to prove that their father loves each one's own mother more than the other, and between them too for him to provide enough time,care, and attention evenly without there being a family delimna over who's the fathers' favorite child. Doesn't that also happen to children whose parents are divorced or weren't even married in first place?. But then again I'm not too sure, just thought I'd share my opinion.

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

I say what I said because I also have experience being engaged to someone who did not pray or know more about the deen. He had a westernized mentality with some issues. It actually started affecting my iman because I wanted to fit into his lifestyle more. It sounds so crazy when i think of it now, but that's what happened. Alhemdulilah it didn't work out with him and it was by Allah's decree alhemdulilah. Allah blessed me with someone a million times better and I can't think of ever going back to that same mindset where I would accept the possibility of someone changing later on over just marrying someone who is religious from the beginning.

:alhamd: it all worked out for the best and now you're happy with the one :Allah: has placed in your life. Of course, each and every one of us is unique and different with how they handle life and how our minds react to situations

I mean I honestly liked the idea of marrying someone who I'd be able to change and help, who can lean on me, etc. but if you are not strong, that person may start changing you for the worse instead, or you could be wasting your time and life struggling to become better on your own verses doing it when you have a good support system by your side. Love may keep me with someone who is not religious, but my heart would not be fully at rest knowing that I am in love with a person who's not good for my iman.

That's exactly the fear I had before my beloved Husband became a better Muslim, I could have given it all up. But were it not for the upbringing I had, the support that my family gave me and most importantly, the love and mercy of :Allah: :swt: then I would have indeed failed. But now, my beloved Husband is always trying to please :Allah: :swt: and is by my side forevermore :ia:

May Allah bless you for being more mature and stronger than most women. Alhemdulilah that Allah has rewarded your patience with a more pious husband, you are a such an amazing, beautiful, and wonderful wife for not giving up on someone you almost lost hope on mashallah <3 I feel Allah was testing you with a test and you passed it alhemdulilah, but many women are not as lucky as having their husbands change for the better and it's in Allah's definite wisdom for that reason.

:jz: for your kind, touching and loving words. Love ya lots! :wub: With :Allah: :swt: always helping me and giving me the strength and courage that I needed, I knew I could not fail, there were, of course, times when I had lost hope, and thought what is the point? But then I kept on making Du'a and thinking of a life that my Husband & I can have, also I'm a firm believer in marrying once and staying with that person for the rest of your life. Unless of course one or the other passes away and then marrying again can be applied, to stay away from sin etc.

I know, Sister *charisma*, many sisters aren't as fortunate, and it may take years and years for their test to prevail or not prevail and as you say, it is definitely in :Allah:'s wisdom and whatever :Allah: does, it is always done for the best. We may never know the reasons then or later in life or never at all but it is always, always, always for the best (I've made myself clear, right? )

And all the sisters who've :Allah: blessed with pious husbands and the ones who are trying to become better Muslims, we should always, always, always be grateful to :Allah: for making our marriages work and for giving us the strength to make it work so.

Marriage itself is a blessing from Allah, so whoever we end up with is by Allah's decree, and if we do everything correctly in regards to getting married (praying istikhara, making sincere dua that allah bless us with a person good for our iman) then Allah knows what we do not about the way this person will affect us in the end whether their iman is good or not.

Absolutely true , ya said it all, me lovely

Stay true to :Allah: and keep making Du'a

:salamext:

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

WHO on this entire thread is married or has every been married? those are the only folks who should be speaking out, because even a sister (this thread began as a question for sisters) with the best of intentions doesn't know what she's talking about until she has been married for a while, that's the truth. I get tired of seeing hypothetical scenarios.People who have been married understand that it is difficult enough to make ONE MARRIAGE work, let alone multiple ones.

Well, they'll learn soon enough won't they? :ia:

I was married for 6 years. Unfortunately it ended in divorce and now a child suffers for it. Yes everything happens for a reason, and I have grown tons after my divorce Alhamdullilah, and it is probably why I'm comfortable with polygamy(I never said it would be easy for me, it would probably be extremely painful at first), after having to provide for myself and my child and going through some very hard times, I would not wish this upon any sister.

*BIG HUG* I love ya, my Sister! :alhamd: that you've learnt a lot and as you clearly, definitely know whatever :Allah: has planned for us, it always for the best. Always. You are one brave, courageous, strong and amazing sister! Not to mention a pretty, cool and wonderful mother? I'm right, aren't I? Of course I am! You're my 2nd heroine (after Sister *charisma*, no hard feelings, eh? :wub

If polygamy comes up in your marriage, take a deep look within and put yourself in widow or divorcee's shoes. What if you end up there one day and some selfish sister "forbade" her husband from taking on another wife and u end up alone for the rest of your life with no one to give you some love and attention and put a roof over your head, would you like that for yourself? Again I repeat, nobody said it would be a walk in the park, but Allah made you a woman, and he will not put more on your shoulders than you can bare. Let your heart, not your corrupted naffs lead you. What about wanting for our sisters what we want for ourselves? If you had to walk those shoes, wouldn't you want a good husband to take care of you?

Marriage? Walk in the park? Y'all need to wake up if any of y'all think like that as it will be most definitely be the bumpiest, lowest, highest, fastest, slowest, prolonged rollercoaster ride of one's life! (I think so anyway) There will most definitely be, without a doubt, many ups and downs. Many ups and downs.

For many, that is easily said, than done, unfortunately, Sister cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn. Too few would ever look at it from the other's perspective, but if any sisters anywhere in the world should find themselves in this situation then :ia: they will think, find the courage within themselves and may their heart lead them to the right choice.

ETA: I don't intend to guilt any of my sisters. I do apologize if I come off high and mighty. It isn't my intention. What I say to you I am saying to myself also. I'd be a big liar to say that polygamy is my favorite subject and it's the best thing right after sliced bread . It isn't an easy subject, and definitely not my favorite. My experiences have forced me to reflect and rethink all of this, not only that, but also as I learn my deen more, things like this become easier to understand, accept and talk about. 5 years ago I wouldn't even imagine saying some of the things I do. Anyway, all I'm saying is, don't be so quick to dismiss the idea.

You've helped me understand a lot. For me, anecdotal experiences are important especially for marriage. One can learn a lot from reading, sharing experiences of marriage, and it gives an insight and better understanding as every marriage is unique and different

Throw tomatoes at me, I don't care.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'd rather put them in a salad. Much better use for it.

 

[GuestFellow]

Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?

I hope my wife allows that. =)

From my experience, most women dislike sharing husbands. I think this is due to cultural reasons.

 

[ardianto]

most women dislike sharing husbands.

Depend on position of these women.

Basically women do not mind to marry a man who already has wife/wives if they very like this man. They can tolerate sharing husband situation because they have prepare their hearts to face this situation.

However, it's very hard for a wife to face situation that suddenly another woman comes to her life as new wife of her husband.

 

[Ali_008]

Word from the Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah al-Haydari regarding the wife who refrains the husband from taking a second wife:

My wife and i have discused me having a second wife and she sayes that if i do then she would devorse me.we did not get married by the kafirs but we do have a islamic contract. and there was no agreement on that contract forbiding me from taking a second wife.so my question is .Is it permisable for her to deny me this?And is'nt she making the hallal harram on me. my wife is a good muslimah (I.S.A.) and she would respect a answer whith proof. jazallahkum ma lakair

Praise be to Allaah.

If a man is able to marry a second wife, physically and financially, and he can treat both wives in a just manner, and he wants to take a second wife, then he is allowed to do so according to Islam. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“… then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:3]

And this was the practice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and of his Companions (may Allaah be pleased with them), but apart from the Prophet, no one is permitted to have more than four wives.

It is well known that women are by nature jealous and reluctant to share their husband with other women. Women are not to be condemned for this jealousy, for it existed in the best of righteous women, the Sahaabiyyaat, and even in the Mothers of the Believers [the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)]. But women should not let jealousy make them object to that which Allaah has prescribed, and they should not try to prevent it; a wife should allow her husband to marry another woman for this is a kind of cooperating in righteousness and piety. According to a hadeeth whose authenticity is agreed upon, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever pays attention to his brother’s needs, Allaah will pay attention to his needs.”

The first wife’s consent is not a prerequisite for a man to take another wife. The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about this and replied as follows:

“It is not obligatory for the husband, if he wants to take a second wife, to have the consent of his first wife, but it is good manners and kindness to deal with her in such a manner that will reduce the hurt which women naturally feel in such situations. This is done by being kind to her and speaking to her in a gentle and pleasant manner, and by spending whatever money may be necessary in order to gain her acceptance of the situation.”

Concerning her request for divorce if her husband wants to marry another wife, this is a mistake. But they should examine the situation, and if she really cannot cope with living with another wife, then she can ask him for khula’ [ a kind of divorce instigated by the wife, whereby she forgoes the mahr]. If she can cope with living with the second wife, but it hurts her to do so, then she should be patient and seek the pleasure of Allaah. Thawbaan (may Allaah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“No woman asks her husband for a divorce for no reason, but the fragrance of Paradise is forbidden for her.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood and others, and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him).

If she bears it with patience, then Allaah will make it easier for her and will expand her chest (i.e., grant her peace and calm), and will compensate her with something good. The husband must also help her by treating her kindly, being patient with her for any jealousy etc. on her part, and overlooking her mistakes. And Allaah is the source of help.

Shaykh ‘Abd-Allaah al-Haydari.

Source

 

[Mustafa2012]

:salamext:

:jz:

That is a very interesting article akhee.

Jealousy between wives can sometimes be waswaas from shaytaan to keep families apart.

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I am finding it weird that nobody's is mentioning anything about the guy's ordeal in all this. Come on, multiple wives doesn't just mean multiple sex partners, it also means multiple responsibilities. 90% of the world population would say that they are unhappy, and the burden of responsibilities is thrusting them into the ground. Most people generally handle just one household, and claim to be dealing with the most difficult situations everyday. Think about a pious Muslim with multiple wives, that guy has twice or thrice or even four times the trouble which you're facing. He has to apply for four credit cards, and pay for them as well. He has to look after four different sets of kids. He has to make sure that four different women in all shapes and forms are content and satisfied on a daily basis. He is the shepherd of 4 different herds. The questions you'll be asked on the day of judgment just once, he'll be asked those question 4 times. He can't even think of a life without his watch and organizer.

I had once read the interview of two co-wives from Australia. Even they admitted that the one who has the most difficult time in their arrangement is the husband who has twice the trouble that regular husbands have.

There's isn't alot to be added to this really, perhaps it isn't really being adressed because the natur eof the thread is questioning the sisters. Your reply is spot on and something all men must consider before jumping into polygamy. Remember that brother I spoke of briefly, the one who left his house. This was why, he is finding it extremely difficult to manage two sets of everything. If he gets something for one wife the other must have the same or all hell breaks loose (first wife is not very cooperative). He gets questioned twice as much as far as his whereabouts, he gets twice as many complaints, he has to be sure his time is split equally and that usually means no "me" time for him or there will be issues. I can go on... I'm only sharing this info to give some insight on the real polygamy.

If polygamy is to be attempted, both the first wife and the husband must be very pius people to make this work, otherwise everyone's naffs will wreak havoc. Selfish people cannot be involved in polygamy. end of.

Depend on position of these women.

Basically women do not mind to marry a man who already has wife/wives if they very like this man. They can tolerate sharing husband situation because they have prepare their hearts to face this situation.


However, it's very hard for a wife to face situation that suddenly another woman comes to her life as new wife of her husband.

This is so true. It is most difficult for the first wife I would say, however they both have their struggles. In most cases, 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives come in knowing they will be sharing so their hearts are already at rest, but that doesn't make it any easier.

It's similar to the first born child having to learn how to share his/her parents. The eldest almost always ends up having some kind of authority and preference. It's no different with the firts wives (whom in most cases have the husband's heart, not always). As I mentioned earlier, Khadijah (ra) evenafter her death, had the prophet's (S.a.w) heart and it made the other wives jelous. I strongly feel that, if the first wife makes this realization, and she has beena good wife (that is key here) she shouldn't worry so much,she shoudl be reassured that his love for her won't change even if another wife comes in the picture. The first wife is the one who supported the husband in the low times and built up with him, to where now he can afford a second wife, so why would that position be taken from her? That is usually one of the first wive's biggest fears ie: "I struggeld so much with my husband, went without XYZ, got him through school and built all of this, only to have some woman come take it?" "now that my figure is bad, I bore him X amount of children, he wants somebody else and he is going to forget about us" the list goes on. The test for the first wife would be learning how to share and work as a unit with the other wife/wives. She will have to learn to break her naffs, and that is actually in her benefit if she cares about the akhira. She can make the best of what she has or destroy it. For the other wife/wives, they have to learn to deal with the fact that in the matters of the heart a person cannot be fair, she has to learn to accept this and the first wife must keep this in mind, because it will be difficult for the 2nd wife and instead of treating her with animosity and as an enemy, they should just comfort each other. Such is life, it isn't easy. Just make the best of what comes your way. We can choose to see life as a glass half empty or half full.

Anyway,It all goes back to the intention and reason for the 2nd+ marriage. Every situation is different. I can probably write a book lol, so I'll stop here.

- cOsMic

 

[Qurratul Ayn]

The first wife is the one who supported the husband in the low times and built up with him, to where now he can afford a second wife, so why would that position be taken from her?

Are you a mind reader??? :skeleton: :wub: to you, my sister


I'm clarifying the reason to the question I posed to my dear, sweetie Sister cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn as some members may have misconstrued the question

That was one of the many fears I was plagued with when I discussed with my beloved Husband (him having a potential second marriage) As some of y'all may have read my earlier posts, this statement would make sense to y'all.

THAT is why I posed the rhetorical question to my beloved Sister cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn! All cleared up now, :ia: