You are Single, not Dead.

[Who Am I?]

I think that if you wait until you're financially able to marry, you probably won't ever get married. Such is the cost of living these days...

 

[Predator]

I think that if you wait until you're financially able to marry, you probably won't ever get married. Such is the cost of living these days...

Exactly, inflation has eaten into the chances of ever getting married . the financial target would just keep rising and even if you achieve it by that time you will be considered too old for marriage .


Its actually one of coming of endtimes where it is mentioned


1. Wealth will increase so much so that if a man were given 10,000, he would not be content with it (Ahmad & Bukhari) -True what you could buy for 10000 earlier ,you cannot buy now

2. Trade will become so widespread that a woman will be forced to help her husband in business (Ahmad) - This is true again inflation is too high that both partners will have to work together to make ends meet

3 There will be many women of child bearing age who will no longer give birth ( where will the children come from when there is no marriage or not enough money to support a child his education fees etc )

4. When women with children come displeased on account of them bearing offspring, and barren women remain happy on account of having no responsibility of offspring
( Children itself will become a burden and people will be happy not having the responsibility of bringing up a child )

 

[Who Am I?]

Exactly, inflation has eaten into the chances of ever getting married . the financial target would just keep rising and even if you achieve it by that time you will be considered too old for marriage .


Its actually one of coming of endtimes where it is mentioned


1. Wealth will increase so much so that if a man were given 10,000, he would not be content with it (Ahmad & Bukhari) -True what you could buy for 10000 earlier ,you cannot buy now

2. Trade will become so widespread that a woman will be forced to help her husband in business (Ahmad) - This is true again inflation is too high that both partners will have to work together to make ends meet

3 There will be many women of child bearing age who will no longer give birth ( where will the children come from when there is no marriage or not enough money to support a child his education fees etc )

4. When women with children come displeased on account of them bearing offspring, and barren women remain happy on account of having no responsibility of offspring
( Children itself will become a burden and people will be happy not having the responsibility of bringing up a child )

There is another (non-Muslim) forum in which I sometimes lurk, and there is a thread that talks about the economy, and about how costs have risen exponentially, while paychecks have not risen to compensate for those costs. As a result, most single people just out of college working an entry-level job won't make enough to make ends meet. 8 bucks an hour just won't cut it anymore, whereas 20 years ago, it would have. So for married couples, both spouses have to work just to make ends meet.

Rising costs plus debt means that you will be working your whole life just to pay those debts off, and what you make most of the time won't even pay for those debts. Even my own parents, both of whom are almost retirement age (64), acknowledge that they will never be able to afford true retirement. Inflation, debts, rising costs, and irresponsible government spending have destroyed the future of successive generations. So there will be no retirement. You will work until you die.

Such is the way of life now. The era of the one-income family, where the mom stays home and takes care of the kids while the dad works to support the family is over... :hmm:

 

[patientgrace]

I agree 100% with this thread and I really enjoyed reading it!


I have been divorced for 6 years now. I will be the first to admit that being single is not the easiest thing to overcome after being married to someone for almost 20 years. Once my ex-husband remarried shortly after our divorce, I realized that I was now "free" to be my own person, do what I wanted when I wanted, and could really enjoy myself the older I got. To celebrate my 1st anniversary of being single, I treated myself to a cruise to the Caribbean and to Europe! I sat and thought to myself what places had I always wanted to go to and just did it! I did not have to worry about pleasing someone else or doing things that bored me... that trip was entirely about me and I was happy the entire time!


So I will agree with this thread and will say in time a person can learn to feel whole and happy within themselves as a single person and there is absolutely no shame in it.

 

[ardianto]

I just realize why the article writer displayed picture of Rapunzel. This is not just a decoration, but a hidden message. She wanted to say, there are women who do not realize that fairy tales is different than the real life.

In fairy tale, the princess just wait in the tower, then the prince comes, see her, and marry her. In fairy tale, the prince rides his horse, see a tower with a beautiful princess in it.

But in the real world?. The prince rides his car or his motorcycle, and see .....many towers with many princesses who wait for someone. It makes him cannot focus to only one princess. Of course, this prince will choose the princess who look the best in his eyes.

Yes, many women do not realize it. They think they just wait and make du'a, the Allah will send them a husband. No, our spouses will not come from to sky after we beg Allah, but Allah will help us to find our spouses if we attempt to find them.

A woman should try to make a man come to her, a man should dare to come to a woman. In halal manner, of course.

 

[جوري]

Repunzel didn't wait around, she sent down her hair until the prince de-scalped her from the roots with all that hair pulling.

 

[ardianto]

Repunzel didn't wait around, she sent down her hair until the prince de-scalped her from the roots with all that hair pulling.

I know. But that picture is symbolization of women who cannot distinguish reality and fairy tales.

Frankly I made that posts after I realize, there are people who think, just make du'a, the spouses will come.

 

[جوري]

You can.. I made du3a and a spouse did come but I didn't think we'd be a good fit.. it happened in the most spontaneous way just because I made du3a.. so sob7an Allah.. the power of du3a is a powerful thing .. just depends on how badly you want it and how much sincerity in the du3a ...
I had just bought an Islamic book from a Turkish Muslim author and some hijabs from her store when we got to talking and she said I have someone in mind for you after asking me whether I was married or not.. so it doesn't have to be some pretty complex affair..

 

[ardianto]

You can.. I made du3a and a spouse did come

Really come, or just look, and go again?.

Getting a spouse is different than buy something. If we buy something, we just select, pay, and get. But if we want to have a spouses, we need to be 'selected'. We need to make ourselves 'valuable'. And actually, the main factor that make us 'valuable' is not physical beauty. Unfortunately, women usually do not realize it. If they think they are not beautiful, they lose their confident. It gives bad effect to their attitude, and it makes them 'not valuable'.

We cannot just make du'a but do not try to make us 'valuable'. It's same like we make du'a to get a job, but we just sit at home without do anything other than wait a company offer job to us.

 

[جوري]

Sorry you lost me there.. I didn't expound on traits beyond that I didn't think we would be a good fit. He's actually very handsome if that were all I required-- so I am not sure if this whole selection of physical beauty or whatever is directed at me, I am not that shallow, and I think you speak from a Guy's perspective here, as I don't think you have a clue what sisters are looking for..

 

[ardianto]

Sorry you lost me there.. I didn't expound on traits beyond that I didn't think we would be a good fit. He's actually very handsome if that were all I required-- so I am not sure if this whole selection of physical beauty or whatever is directed at me, I am not that shallow, and I think you speak from a Guy's perspective here, as I don't think you have a clue what sisters are looking for..

I am sorry. I forgot to mention that I did not talk about you, but about male and female in general.

Yes, I don't have clue what sisters are looking for. It's still a mystery. I was familiar with moments when women stared at me. Then? .... after they felt 'satisfied', they looked at other direction again, and ignored me.

This was one of some experience made me understand that physical attraction is not the factor that make someone love another.

 

[~Zaria~]

Repunzel didn't wait around, she sent down her hair until the prince de-scalped her from the roots with all that hair pulling.

LOL!
Very funny ukthi!!


I think it requires both.....lots of duaa, and some effort.

The one cannot exist without the other.

And also remembering that after duaa comes tafweez - resigning yourself completely to the will of Allah.
Very often we make the right effort, we make duaa - and nothing happens.

Its very easy to fall into depression.....unless we have implicit trust in Allah (subhanawataála)s plans for us - and believing that behind each and every decision made by Allah Ta'ala, there is goodness and wisdom.

No matter how much we may desire something (it may not just be about marriage - perhaps children, employment, health etc) - Allah (subhananwataála) knows better.
HE knows what is best for us.

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you.
And Allah Knows, while you know not." (2:216)



When it comes to making an 'effort' when it comes to marriage, I often wonder what this really means......from an islamic point of view.

Apart from letting others know that you are seeking marriage, what else does one actually do?

Join a marriage site? (If both parties are conscious of Allah at all times, and have sincere intentions - this can work for some individuals).

Even though options in making a halaal effort are relatively limited......dont forget - there is nothing more powerful than duaa.

"If Allah helps you none can overcome you: if He forsakes you who is there after that that can help you?
In Allah then let believers put their trust."(3:160)

It is Allah that is the guardian and protector of all creatures of this world......who is it that feeds the birds in your garden? Where does their sustenance come from every day?
As well as every other living creature......

Then surely, there is no difficulty in Him sending you, just the right person.......at just the right time......when you least expect it.
SubhanAllah.


Dont ever lose trust in Allah and His plans for your life.

He is aware of everything.

The deficiency lies within us - in lacking sabr, trust in His Qoedrat and expecting our lives to follow our short-sighted plans.


:wa:

 

[Haya emaan]

Yes, many women do not realize it. They think they just wait and make du'a, the Allah will send them a husband. No, our spouses will not come from to sky after we beg Allah, but Allah will help us to find our spouses if we attempt to find them.

what type of attempt are you indicating... may be its because of cultural difference i m unable to get the point.

i believe that its the only dua we women can do to Allah (SWT) to send the right man on the right time..


doesn't this depends on the culture...? In my society its only the man or his family who has to do the job of searching for a spouse.. women just say yes or no to the one who comes to his house... she don't have to do the finding...
here our spouse really comes from the 'sky' so we have to pray Allah (SWT) to do what is best for us...

 

[tigerkhan]

personally i am of opinion that if u like someone and u think that it compatible, just let her/him know. i see there is no bad in it whether u r male or women. and also if someone got a proposal, i think he/she need to be very thankful that other person consider him/her for that and then in gentle way accept or reject it.
some time i think cultural things make it difficult but we have to follow islam and we should remember that its half our deen.

 

[Endymion]

If we just have a look at the life storis of two Ummahatul Momineens (Mothers of the believers) we will become clear that our spouses do come down on earth from sky.

Safiyah RA came to muslims as a war booty.Wahya Kalbi RA came to Prophet Muhammad SAW and asked for a slave girl.Muhammad SAW allowed him to pick a slave for him and he RA choose Safiyah RA.When he was gone took Safiyah RA along him,another companion of the Prophet SAW told him that Safiyah RA is the daughter of leaders of her tribe and you gave her to Wahya Kalbi.She deserves a man like You.Muhammad SAW sent someone to brought them back,married Safiyah RA himseld and she became Ummul Momineen.

What Wahya Kalbi RA did,was effort but what Muhammad SAW did,was the will of Allah SWT.And surely,efforts meet success only by the will of Allah SWT.

Another story is of Zeynab Binte Hajash RA.And this is mentioned in Quran chapter 33 Al-Ahzab.She was married to Zaid RA,the freed slave of Muhammad SAW and his adopted son as well.After sometime,Zaid RA divorced her and Muhammad SAW married her and Muhammad SAW knew that Zaid will divorce her and the she will become Ummul Momineen.Why Allah SWT made her marry Zaid in the first place is to show the people of Arab that your adopted sons are not like your real sons and you can marry their divorced wives and it was written like that.

(33:37) (O Prophet),67 call to mind when you said to him whom Allah had favoured and you had favoured: “Cleave to your wife and fear Allah,” and you concealed within yourself for fear of people what Allah was to reveal, although Allah has greater right that you fear Him. So when Zayd had accomplished what he would of her, We gave her in marriage to you so that there should not be any constraint for the believers regarding the wives of their adopted sons after they had accomplished whatever they would of them. And Allah's command was bound to be accomplished.



To me,no matter you make any effort in this regard or not,your spouse will come to you in a fixed time and no matter you want them or not,Allah's command will accomplish so why do we waste time finding the right person for us and we don't know who is suitable for us no matter how much we know them.Thats the perfect idea for me to ask Allah SWT for whatever i want and only He SWT knows what we have in our hearts.And He swt will surely sent someone down from the skies.

 

[ardianto]

I still remember to a true story that I read when I was teenager. Writen by a religious sister who could not get married. She wrote "I always made du'a, but Allah never sent me a husband". Her parents asked some people to 'promote' her to the men, but no one 'promote' her. However, in another part of the story she wrote, her fiends told her, she a very 'cold', and made the men hesitate to come to her. She asked "should I become a girl who attract men with inappropriate dressing, appropriate act?. No, I don't want to lose my modesty".

Afraid to lose modesty become a problem for religious sister. But actually it's because a misconception: look "attractive" will make a woman lose her modesty. Not, true. There are some kind of "attractive", a woman who dressed modesty but look good, kind/friendly, has good manner and etiquette, has good attitude toward people, will look good in people eyes. She will look beautiful and modest. It make people sure, she can be a god wife. It will make the men come to her, and make other people promote her to the men. Imagine if this woman is very cold. It makes people think, she's arrogant. That's what happened to the religious sister in that true story.

But in the real world?. The prince rides his car or his motorcycle, and see .....many towers with many princesses who wait for someone. It makes him cannot focus to only one princess. Of course, this prince will choose the princess who look the best in his eyes.

There are many women who are waiting for a husband. It makes the men have many choices. The men will select them before they propose marriage. Of course, they will choose the women who look good in their eyes, then they propose marriage. If a woman reject them, they would go to another woman. This is a reality.

Yes, many women do not realize it. They think they just wait and make du'a, then Allah will send them a husband.

It's based on realities that I have found. There were women who made du'a to get a husband, but they locked themselves in the room. How could the men know them?. There are women who made du'a, but they let themselves look bad with dressed badly, not friendly, etc. How could men interested to take them as wives?.

There are sisters who made du'a then get husbands. But actually it's because they look good in people eyes. It made people promote them to the men who later come to them. There's a process before, but they do not realize it. Yes, they made du'a then get husbands. But how about other women who made du'a too, but still alone?.

No, our spouses will not come from to sky after we beg Allah,

The common mistake of people when they make du'a is expect miracle. Want to get rich, tomorrow get much money from nowhere. Want to get married, tomorrow a stranger knock the door and propose marriage. But if they do not get the miracle, they complain "why Allah does not answer my du'a?".

Allah answer every du'a, but answer a du'a with miracle is only for very specific cases that rarely happen. If Allah always answer every du'a with miracle, people would be lazy. They do not need to do anything, just make du'a, and they get what they want. Imagine what would happen to people if they always get everything that they want without attempt.

Ulama say "Allah decide, but human are obligated to attempt". If we make du'a and try to do something, Allah will give us easiness. This is the power of du'a.

but Allah will help us to find our spouses if we attempt to find them.

It has explained above. But do not interpret "find" for women means women should go anywhere to find a spouse like the men. (English is not my first language. So, what I've written probably caused misunderstanding, like in this case)

A woman should try to make a man come to her, a man should dare to come to a woman. In halal manner, of course.

In one thread I wrote, sisters should not lock themselves in the room, but join with older women from their mother and auntie generation in Qur'an recitation group, cooking group, etc. It's because women in that age has a hobby, match someone with another. If a sister can make those women have image that she can be a good wife, then they will promote her to their sons or nephews. This is one of many halal manner that sister can try.

How about men?. The most important is should dare to come to a woman and propose marriage. I know some men who actually good enough and can become good husband, but they still unmarried. It's because when people around them wanted to bring them to meet a woman who was looking for a husband, they were too shy.


If I didn't care to sisters and brothers who want to get married, but they still alone, I would not make post to remind them about reality, and how to deal with this reality. I did it because I care.

 

[Huma*]

Assalamalykum!

Your post is very beautiful and meaningful. Thank you for posting sister!
I'd like to share it with my friends.

 

[PurpleCup]

The one part I do not agree with is not to take the attempt to search. Many would never marry if they never took the time to search. If you live in the West the best means is using online Muslim Matrimonials, where the site is regulated in a very strict means. Meaning not allowing everyone to join, being really selective with the profile that are approved. (I could go on here.)

The point is sitting at home and making no effort to search for your spouse may be the worst advise. Sorry to say, especially if you are a convert.

 

[~Zaria~]

The one part I do not agree with is not to take the attempt to search. Many would never marry if they never took the time to search. If you live in the West the best means is using online Muslim Matrimonials, where the site is regulated in a very strict means. Meaning not allowing everyone to join, being really selective with the profile that are approved. (I could go on here.)

The point is sitting at home and making no effort to search for your spouse may be the worst advise. Sorry to say, especially if you are a convert.

Assalamu-alaikum ukthi,

I do agree with the above.

There are some muslim matrimonial sites that make the effort to keep the process as 'islamic' as possible - e.g. Pure Matrimony (all emails are monitored, women are strongly encouraged to involve their wallis, pictures are kept hidden from the general public, etc).

However, the vast majority of 'muslim' matrimonial sites could not care less and their sites are run in similiar fashions to those of non-muslim dating sites (including the access of inappropiate female pics, and 'chat' options).

I think one needs to be cautious when approaching on-line sites - esp. if contact is made with members who are not from your own country.
e.g. How does one know how many other men/ women a person is simultaneously in contact with?

How does one make reference checks on someone who is not from your community/ country?

Having said this, I think that it is possible to meet someone via these means, by the will of Allah.

esp if 2 individuals are sincere in their search and are making the effort to meet people in a manner that is halaal, without engaging in prolonged and inappropiate communication, involving parents/ wallis from early on.......
and most importantly reading istikharah - and pleading to Allah Taa'la to guide you onto a path that would be good for you and that would lead you towards Him, and to save you from those who are harmful to you and your imaan.

In these cases, the most blessed marriages are possible, by His decree.

May Allah (subhanawataála) grant righteous, loving and compatible spouses to all those who are sincerely seeking marriage.
Ameen.

:wa: