confused

[anonymous]

i really like this guy who i met online and he like me aswell, but recently he told me he has a mental illnes, hes depressed, lonely and am the only one who makes him happy. which made me more close to him, he showed me how he looks now (as we have not met yet) and to be honest he lookes unwell..lost alot of weight etc, but i didnt find him unattractive. (but he knows am alot better looking than him, maybe thats why he really like me)

another problem, he lives really far away from me, and he wants me to meet him in his home city, but i feel uncomfortable going all the way there myself (as my friend is nt willing to come) and spending the whole day with him, esp b4 marriage.

and also recently found out he has bad habits, i.e. whilst he was with me, he used to talk to other girls, and he has a msn add with a different name!? which i found really dodgy

when i confronted him with this he said am being a "cow" and am making his life miserable.

i know i shouldnt really consider a guy like that, but deep down i know hes a nice guy and he cant help it..he needs help since hes lonely, but i cant help him, he should really turn to Allah swt

to be honest i dont really know what to do? i feel bad if i just leave him like that.


brothers & sisters please tell me what i should do.

thaynks.

[glo]

How do you know that he is really a nice guy inside??

From your own description he doesn't sound very nice at all ...
Please bear in mind that via the Internet people can be deceptive quite easily and can keep up their pretense! Unless you have met this guy face-to-face, you should think of him as a stranger.

Protect yourself! You don't really know who you are dealing with!
And please don't just go and meet him on your own!! Keep safe!

[anonymous]

How do you know that he is really a nice guy inside??

From your own description he doesn't sound very nice at all ...
Please bear in mind that via the Internet people can be deceptive quite easily and can keep up their pretense! Unless you have met this guy face-to-face, you should think of him as a stranger.

Protect yourself! You don't really know who you are dealing with!
And please don't just go and meet him on your own!! Keep safe!

thanks for ur reply Glo.


i know hes not that dodgy, cos he does pray, and originally he had intentions for marriage, but as whta happens to most of the maales he fell in th trap of shaytaan and so did i.

actually he is well known in a different islamic forum and I know him from there aswell, so hes not much of a stranger. Another thing he is quite honest. but apart from that I know I shouldnt really be considering him


brothers &sisters could you help? have u ever been in this sitution before?

thanks

[cat eyes]

sis is it possible u can pm me? i have to tell you something

[cat eyes]

if you want to remain anonymous.. i will ask the admin to pass my email address on to you no problem.

[anonymous]

i know hes not that dodgy, cos he does pray, and originally he had intentions for marriage, but as whta happens to most of the maales he fell in th trap of shaytaan and so did i.

actually he is well known in a different islamic forum and I know him from there aswell, so hes not much of a stranger. Another thing he is quite honest. but apart from that I know I shouldnt really be considering him


brothers &sisters could you help? have u ever been in this sitution before?

I'm not the OP.

But oddly enough I've been in a very, very similar situation.

Alarm bells should be ringing here.

i feel bad if i just leave him like that.

As a non-mahram, it's not your duty to make him feel better.

if you are interestyed in marriage, then arrange for your wali to meet him.

From what you say, sounds like you should steer clear though.

Allah knows best.

[aadil77]

look for someone in the real world and not some dodgy man off the net, you shouldn't even think of going alone to meet him, first its haraam, second you never know what he might do to you

[anonymous]

if you want to remain anonymous.. i will ask the admin to pass my email address on to you no problem.

salams,

i cant pm you as i am not a full member, but if you could please ask the admin to give me your email add.

thanks for all your concerns.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

how old are you? how do you know he isn't married, speaking to other women, etc. just cos he prays (which, since you dont know him in real life, could be a lie) doesn't make someone a good person.

sounds like he may have used the mental illness as an excuse to make you feel sorry for him and lure you.

where is your mahrams/wali sis? you shouldnt be talking to the opposite gender.

and at you going to see him...well everyone knows that its the guy who proposes/goes sees the girl....dont you think thats a little odd that he made such a request?

[Dagless]

First you need to figure out if you like him or just feel sorry for him.
I think its very easy for people to say that he might be putting on an act to lure you in but usually if you know someone for a long time online (years) you get an idea of who they really are.
Why don't you both see what you want? If you're serious about marriage then, and only then, meet up (but not alone, and also in public, and during the day). Only you know how much you trust him or what you feel.

[Lonely Gal]

By him sayin he has an illness and that u make him happy shudn't be a good nuff reason for u to stick by him.
He's a man thats using sweet things to get into ur head.
Do not go along with how he appears to be over the internet
Its VERY easy to type a few kind words.. coming from the heart is totally different.
Also why are u going to his town? to be honest a man should make the effort to see u (not that is right but if it was then it shud b him making the effort and not expecting u to do it all)
If u know u are prettier compared to his looks then course he will try his luck, and honestly most men do not jus stop talking to other girls at the drop of a hat..
Think about what he means to u, is it just cos hes depressed and a few kind words have been said?
Sis i dont want be rude or anything by what I have wrote but I dont want u getting hurt and being taken advantage off..
Its a weird and scary world out there with many strange people.. listen to what ur friends have to say and see what they view is and how they see things.. I know u shudnt try trick anyone but how about u make a fake add and test him out...? this way u will find out the truth if he is still speaking to other people or what his intentions with u are true...?

[S<Chowdhury]

Salaam Sis,

With all due respect this is pretty ridiculous, you shouldn't even consider him, a few kind words and a sympathy story....pretty much a standard guide to getting girls to go for you ehhh ? Plus he got other girls on the go hmmm and another account this is getting pretty weird , i know you have good intention to help him but I doubt this would go anywhere, and i definitely advise you not to meet him on your own especially. I'd advise to leave this all behind and move on.....

On another note the relationship is haraam......Internet Relationships

[Hamza Asadullah]

i really like this guy who i met online and he like me aswell, but recently he told me he has a mental illnes, hes depressed, lonely and am the only one who makes him happy. which made me more close to him, he showed me how he looks now (as we have not met yet) and to be honest he lookes unwell..lost alot of weight etc, but i didnt find him unattractive. (but he knows am alot better looking than him, maybe thats why he really like me)

another problem, he lives really far away from me, and he wants me to meet him in his home city, but i feel uncomfortable going all the way there myself (as my friend is nt willing to come) and spending the whole day with him, esp b4 marriage.

and also recently found out he has bad habits, i.e. whilst he was with me, he used to talk to other girls, and he has a msn add with a different name!? which i found really dodgy

when i confronted him with this he said am being a "cow" and am making his life miserable.

i know i shouldnt really consider a guy like that, but deep down i know hes a nice guy and he cant help it..he needs help since hes lonely, but i cant help him, he should really turn to Allah swt

to be honest i dont really know what to do? i feel bad if i just leave him like that.


brothers & sisters please tell me what i should do.

thaynks.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah sister for sharing this with us. My sister you should realise that many people have gone through what you are going through now and they have been terribley hurt and scarred and even left feeling suicidal because the fact is that you may think you know the person what they are like deep down but you do not my sister.

You are very clearly being decieved as he has softened your heart and you are falling into his trap. Do not be fooled by a person who says to you that he prays for even the worst of the hypocrites pray but that does not make you a good person in your heart.

My sister Allah has shown you his true colours when you found out that he has other msn names and is talking to other women. This is clearly a sign for you of his true nature and you still choose to look past this? You are being very naive sister and you are looking to get extremely hurt if you continue talking to this guy. Look at the way he reacted towards you when you confronted him about it. He is just messing with your head and using the sympathy game to lure you in and it looks as though it is working by how you have fallen for him.

You must get yourself out of this forbidden decietful online relationship immediatley before you dig yourself into a bigger hole. You have already caught him out so you know he is not trustworthy imagine what other things he is lying about. You need to stop being naive sister and realise that none of this is real. You will only ever gain misery and anguish from this forbidden and decietful relationship.

So many people have been decieved by people online and afterwards they find out that they were never who they say they were. You may feel like this about him now but if you ever met it would be a different story. Most of all sister you have caused the anger of Allah by talking to a guy online and now you have feelings for him which i can assure you is a deception because this person is not at all good for you for you will get terribly hurt if you continue with such a relationship.

Save yourself now sister for you have already seen the signs and if you choose to ignore them then you will have to pay the consequances. Your first relationship and intimacy should be with your husband not a deciever online who probably speaks to countless women and decieves them just like he is decieving you right now.

You should thank Allah for being inclined to share your issue on here for you have now been told the truth about him and this decietful relationship. So you know what to do now and what is best for you so leave this decietful online relationship immediatley and do not look back. Think of it as something you have learnt from now as you were naive before.

Search for a good and pious man through family, relatives and close friends and do things the right way and Allah will bless you with the best partner who will lead you towards Jannah and will make you the happiest but if you continue with this then you will find misery and pain and he will lead you towards destruction!

[anonymous]

Thank you all for your replies,

just to clarify, i have known him for a year over the internet, and spoken to him on the phone for like 6 months, so yea i do know him, in the begining he was really dodgy, but things have changed since.

And he is definatly not lying about his illness, he does have a mental ilness and is depressed, i have heard another person mention this about him on the forum hes always on.

I feel some of your post were really harsh about him, depression is an illness aswell, i mean hes been mentioning it to me for ages and he even told me hes going to be taking anti-depressants, and he didnt talk to me for a month aswell.

now that I am becoming more stronger in my deen I realized i wasnt realy in love with him, just the idea of being in love, and he has become more serious marriage.

I know i am quite naive, but when someone is being genuine you can feel it, i know he is now. am not going to go ahead with it, because it started of haraam and i want to do things the right way, inshaAllah.

i want to ask a question, are we falling short so badly in helping our sisters and brothers, that they have to resort to the internet for someone to listen to? which is pretty sad

[Hamza Asadullah]

Thank you all for your replies,

just to clarify, i have known him for a year over the internet, and spoken to him on the phone for like 6 months, so yea i do know him, in the begining he was really dodgy, but things have changed since.

And he is definatly not lying about his illness, he does have a mental ilness and is depressed, i have heard another person mention this about him on the forum hes always on.

I feel some of your post were really harsh about him, depression is an illness aswell, i mean hes been mentioning it to me for ages and he even told me hes going to be taking anti-depressants, and he didnt talk to me for a month aswell.

now that I am becoming more stronger in my deen I realized i wasnt realy in love with him, just the idea of being in love, and he has become more serious marriage.

I know i am quite naive, but when someone is being genuine you can feel it, i know he is now. am not going to go ahead with it, because it started of haraam and i want to do things the right way, inshaAllah.

i want to ask a question, are we falling short so badly in helping our sisters and brothers, that they have to resort to the internet for someone to listen to? which is pretty sad

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister i have known of cases where people have known those of the opposite sex for years and at the end of it all they were being decieved all along. Did they not think that after all that time they knew them properly? No matter how much you have talked to him it does not mean you know him for who he really is inside and out for he can very easily continue to decieve you and this can be attested by many who have had bad experiences with meeting people on the internet or have had in relationships outside of marriage.

I am glad that you will not pursue this but you must cut off all contact with this person immediatley as it is not permissable for you to be in contact with him at all especially because as you were falling for him due to the amount of contact you had with him.

Also sister you have a valid point but people find it easier to share their issues, concerns, worrys and problems anonymously on the internet as they feel they would get an unbias response and feel more safer and secure knowing that they do not know anyone on here as well as the fact that more people would give their views and opinions making it more likely that the responses given will have some validity. Although this is not always the case.

If one has a trustworthy close friend who can give impartial advice or a wise family member that one can share any issues or problems with then this may also be an avenue one can use in order to get help and advice.

Always ask of Allah and gain a close connection with him through dua. Unlike people Allah will NEVER let us down as long as we put our hopes, trust and faith in him. We must try our best not to exceed the limits that Allah has given us. At the end of it all Allah wants what is best for us and he made you realise your wrongs with this forbiden relationship so thank him because many have not been as lucky as you and have pursue these relationships only to be terribley hurt, scarred and left in pain and anguish.

I hope the advice given to you has helped you and please continue to post whatever issues or questions you may have or if you want to share anything at all then always feel free inshallah and remember us in your dua's.

[Donia]

Thank you all for your replies,

just to clarify, i have known him for a year over the internet, and spoken to him on the phone for like 6 months, so yea i do know him, in the begining he was really dodgy, but things have changed since.

And he is definatly not lying about his illness, he does have a mental ilness and is depressed, i have heard another person mention this about him on the forum hes always on.

I feel some of your post were really harsh about him, depression is an illness aswell, i mean hes been mentioning it to me for ages and he even told me hes going to be taking anti-depressants, and he didnt talk to me for a month aswell.

now that I am becoming more stronger in my deen I realized i wasnt realy in love with him, just the idea of being in love, and he has become more serious marriage.

I know i am quite naive, but when someone is being genuine you can feel it, i know he is now. am not going to go ahead with it, because it started of haraam and i want to do things the right way, inshaAllah.

i want to ask a question, are we falling short so badly in helping our sisters and brothers, that they have to resort to the internet for someone to listen to? which is pretty sad

sister,

I don't think it was anyone's intention to be harsh about him. I think we just all want to look out for you and don't want you to get hurt or be involved in a situation that is not good for you. Depression is definitely a mental issue. May Allah heal him - Ameen. I don't think it's a good thing that he says you are his only source of happiness. That would be a huge red flag. Sounds like he needs some help and time; to get himself right before he seeks out a wife insha'Allah.
I am glad to hear that you want to do things the right way.
I know that you feel you know him because you have been talking to him for a long time but people CAN and usually are different in person.
I think you've made a good decision to not go ahead with it and I hope Allah blesses you with a pious husband in the future insha'Allah.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

i want to ask a question, are we falling short so badly in helping our sisters and brothers, that they have to resort to the internet for someone to listen to? which is pretty sad

Aslaamu Alaaykum . . .
How can you say the brothers and sisters who have tried helping you on this thread are not HELPING you out sis? They are advising you, some may have also experienced such events in their lifetime. I guess since this is a public thread, people are bound to give their opinions and sometimes they include facts that may seem harsh to others.
Weather its true that the guy is ill or not ill, its still a haraam relationship. You should`nt even talking to a guy on the phone in the first place, but maybe you was not aware it was haraam at the time?

Anyways May Allaah help you and make it easy for you, do what you think pleases Allaah the Allmighty, if he is ill ask Allaah to cure him i.e.make dua for him, his family is there to care him.

If you really like the Brother get a Mahram i.e.your father, brother and fix an arrangement InshaAllaah.
But first think remember if you do marry him, it should be Fisabeelilah (For the sake of Allaah).. before marrying him pray Ishtikara etc, thats if you do think about marrying him
My opinion is Relationships can be considered in any way, ie.net,real life whatever, but it has to be Halaal, ie have a Mahram involved inshaAllaah Khayr just my opinion , as i may be wrong!

If i have said anything harsh,bad, upsetting forgive me, and if i said anything wrong correct me inshaAllaah

Wa Alaaykum Salaam

[anonymous]

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister i have known of cases where people have known those of the opposite sex for years and at the end of it all they were being decieved all along. Did they not think that after all that time they knew them properly? No matter how much you have talked to him it does not mean you know him for who he really is inside and out for he can very easily continue to decieve you and this can be attested by many who have had bad experiences with meeting people on the internet or have had in relationships outside of marriage.

I am glad that you will not pursue this but you must cut off all contact with this person immediatley as it is not permissable for you to be in contact with him at all especially because as you were falling for him due to the amount of contact you had with him.

Also sister you have a valid point but people find it easier to share their issues, concerns, worrys and problems anonymously on the internet as they feel they would get an unbias response and feel more safer and secure knowing that they do not know anyone on here as well as the fact that more people would give their views and opinions making it more likely that the responses given will have some validity. Although this is not always the case.

If one has a trustworthy close friend who can give impartial advice or a wise family member that one can share any issues or problems with then this may also be an avenue one can use in order to get help and advice.

Always ask of Allah and gain a close connection with him through dua. Unlike people Allah will NEVER let us down as long as we put our hopes, trust and faith in him. We must try our best not to exceed the limits that Allah has given us. At the end of it all Allah wants what is best for us and he made you realise your wrongs with this forbiden relationship so thank him because many have not been as lucky as you and have pursue these relationships only to be terribley hurt, scarred and left in pain and anguish.

I hope the advice given to you has helped you and please continue to post whatever issues or questions you may have or if you want to share anything at all then always feel free inshallah and remember us in your dua's.

brother,

thanks, much appreciated.

okay...what if he says he is being serious about marriage?

realistically he should come down and speak to my wali, i mean everyman who is being serious about a sister would do that, right?? and if he cant he was'nt serious about me in the first place?

sorry i know i may sound soo childish but i need your advice.

[anonymous]

Aslaamu Alaaykum . . .
How can you say the brothers and sisters who have tried helping you on this thread are not HELPING you out sis? They are advising you, some may have also experienced such events in their lifetime. I guess since this is a public thread, people are bound to give their opinions and sometimes they include facts that may seem harsh to others.
Weather its true that the guy is ill or not ill, its still a haraam relationship. You should`nt even talking to a guy on the phone in the first place, but maybe you was not aware it was haraam at the time?

Anyways May Allaah help you and make it easy for you, do what you think pleases Allaah the Allmighty, if he is ill ask Allaah to cure him i.e.make dua for him, his family is there to care him.

If you really like the Brother get a Mahram i.e.your father, brother and fix an arrangement InshaAllaah.
But first think remember if you do marry him, it should be Fisabeelilah (For the sake of Allaah).. before marrying him pray Ishtikara etc, thats if you do think about marrying him
My opinion is Relationships can be considered in any way, ie.net,real life whatever, but it has to be Halaal, ie have a Mahram involved inshaAllaah Khayr just my opinion , as i may be wrong!

If i have said anything harsh,bad, upsetting forgive me, and if i said anything wrong correct me inshaAllaah

Wa Alaaykum Salaam

salams sister, i want talikng people on this forum, i really do appreciate every advice given, especially urz

i was talking about people who have mental or medical conditions and dont want to talk about it to real life people, y r they feeling so uncomfortable when they cn get real help.

we must not really be helping our bros & sis in need,.

[Hamza Asadullah]

brother,

thanks, much appreciated.

okay...what if he says he is being serious about marriage?

realistically he should come down and speak to my wali, i mean everyman who is being serious about a sister would do that, right?? and if he cant he was'nt serious about me in the first place?

sorry i know i may sound soo childish but i need your advice.

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, my sister as humans we are created to be attracted to the opposite sex and this is natural as we are human. It is for this reason that talking with the opposite sex is forbidden because shaythan is always third party in such interactions and he stirs up desires and feelings of lust and because he has opened up to you about deep matters this has caused you to feel sypmathy for him and warm for him and the situation you think he is in. You have been talking to him for so long that you have created an image and bubble about you and him and the life you may be able to live together and this bubble has to pop sister and you must realise these feelings are not real and you must realise that this was a lesson to you never to get to know anyone of the internet or for real life for that matter without involving mahrams. Who's to say that the things he has said to you he has not said to countless women or is still saying to countless women? He may have told you he has changed but does that mean he has?

My sister you must look for someone who is genuinly pious and practising and someone who would never lie to you, This person is not mentally stable therefore he will not be able to fulfil his rights to you as a husband. You only feel pity and sympathy for him not anything else. You must change your e mail address and phone number immediatley and only give your e mail address and phone number to those who will benefit you in this life and not to any non mahrams at all. This is best for you and would also be a fresh start.

Ask of Allah to find you a pious and good man and do things in the right way as in tell family and close friends that you are looking for a pious and practicing man and inshallah you will find that person and then when your married you will look back and think how could i have ever fell for someone like that and you will never want to look back again. But realise that what you are feeling right now is not real as these kind of relationships never are and you must do as i have advised you immediatley and repent to Allah that you ever spoke to someone like this for this long and do what you can to get close to Allah and make a close connection with him for your time can finish at any second so do not waste a second more on this pointless pursuit that will cause you only great pain.

and Allah knows best in all matters