I am new to Islam and to this community. i am writing in fact, because I have many questions. I am not very sure about what has occurred.
Here is my situation. I am a Canadian of mixed ethnicity (Japanese-German) I was not raised in any particular religion. I am an artist and love to travel. Now my boyfriend, who I will call Anis(not his real name) of the past 3 years is a Sudanese Muslim. We love each other deeply. It has not been an easy road though. First we come from very different communities. He has only been in Canada for 5 years and still suffers from many of the growing pains of being a new immigrant.
But for some reason we have found ourselves together and unable to separate depsite the obstacles, we have kept pursuing our relationship. We relate very well, have similar opinions in regards to politics and have similar goals. there is much passion too. Shortly into our relationship, i thought I wanted to marry him. He told me with much sadness that he would love to, but does not know if his parents would accept. I was heart-brken but continued. Slowly I learned to appreciate Islam, and understand Anis better. I thought if I had faith and continued, eventually we would work things out.
I found it confusing though, in trying to accept Islam, while we were having a "Western style" relationship. About 4 months ago, I decided we must stop any physical contact, if I am going to accept Islam. Shortly after Anis, told me that he is engaged, and has been for the past year to his cousin. I was in utter shock that he did not tell me earlier. And he has been talking with her on the phone for the past year. I felt deeply betrayed. It is strange because sometimes I felt a fear that he was having an affair on me, although I had no evidence. When this new information came out, I understood why I felt something that I could not explain.
I have been trying to accept the situation. But I cannot believe he would prefer to marry a women he has not met for over 9 years, than to stay with me, his sweetheart and love. Sometimes I think our lives would have been too hard, to figure out: money, child-raising, since we come from such different backgrounds....but still it hurts too much to lose him in this way.As a women born and raised in the West, it is still too unbelievable that this is happening.
About 2 days ago, Anis left for the Sudan to get married. I am in utter shock and disbelief. he told me he loves me dearly and will never love another woman like me. But now he is going to get married to a women his parents and relatives chose for him. he is going to bring her back to Canada. I stil can't beleive this is happening. If there is anyone who can give me some words of wisdom or a way to accpet and understand this situation better is would be so appreciated...
Has this happened to others? Has anyone been in Anis's situation? Did it work out? Is this a phenomenon of this modern era? Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce? Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?? Why did he not tell me earlier?
And I do not aprove of those who judged you in how you conducted yourselves in the past.
I would strongly advise you to associate with people who has substance and forget about him.
If he was a Muslim, and he had feelings and respect for you as well as fear for Allah, he wouldn't have gone through with the marriage.
Yes, I was Christian before and reverted on my own.
And yes, we'd all like to not have these girl-friend boy-friend relationships but, frankly, the culturalists do not leave many alternatives for those who are young.
I do not judge those people; I embrace them, help them, try to understand them but, I never judge them.
****
All the best for you and don't feel saddened by your ordeal:
Be thankful that you have a heart and that you are able to feel;
Be greatful to Allah that he didn't put such a weak-spirited person by your side.
At-least you have the ability to love, appreciate and hurt.
Alot of culturalists don't have hearts.
They are robots and prisoners of their own families.
***
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.
Hellen Keller
The way I take it, is he has no obligation to follow his parents wishes in choosing his wife, but the fact he has chosen it, than he made the choice, and he should be honest with you. If he already has consumated the marriage than he had no right to do what he done to you, let alone of having casual relation when he knew, but you should not hold any grudge even though he hurt you but make dua for him and wish him the best. The best thing is to cut contact with him.
Peace. and I will make Duah for you and the other person.
I don't think it was wise for you to convert just because you wanted to maintain a relationship with Asim. Did you convert because you sincerely wanted to be Muslim?
I don't think it was wise for you to convert just because you wanted to maintain a relationship with Asim. Did you convert because you sincerely wanted to be Muslim?
If she sincerely did not believe in ISLAM now, than the logical thing would been of her to leave ISLAM, since she supposedly (not a factual) entered for him only without any intention than she would leave logically when she lost him.
We should not question her faith, but we should help he and support her in everyway and even learning more about our deen (ISLAM), that's our JOB.
Follow-Up:
So Anis wrote me an e-mail from the beginning of his honeymoon.
Then returned a few days ago. he called me immediately. I was polite and told him i could not continue talking or seeing him and hung up. he called imediately and left a long message. His message said that he told his wife all about me, and that she has given him permission to take me as a second wife. Now what do you all have to say about that???
Follow-Up:
So Anis wrote me an e-mail from the beginning of his honeymoon.
Then returned a few days ago. he called me immediately. I was polite and told him i could not continue talking or seeing him and hung up. he called imediately and left a long message. His message said that he told his wife all about me, and that she has given him permission to take me as a second wife. Now what do you all have to say about that???
BAD idea, IMO. You will spend the rest of your life with a woman whom you dont know at all to begin with.
Follow-Up:
So Anis wrote me an e-mail from the beginning of his honeymoon.
Then returned a few days ago. he called me immediately. I was polite and told him i could not continue talking or seeing him and hung up. he called imediately and left a long message. His message said that he told his wife all about me, and that she has given him permission to take me as a second wife. Now what do you all have to say about that???
Well the choice is still your's, but I will advice you to check up the validity of the statement, did she really say it. Or if you think his being truthfull.
The underlining choice is yours and don't feel pressured into thinking you have any obligation to accept. Plus can he provide for you and her, you have to look at that. Think wisely.
I have no Idea, but me preferably won't but that's my choice (if I was a girl) but I am not a girl, and I am not in your situation. Just don't be to hasty in jumping in. Take your time thinking about it, and ask allah(s.w.t) to guide you.
Follow-Up:
So Anis wrote me an e-mail from the beginning of his honeymoon.
Then returned a few days ago. he called me immediately. I was polite and told him i could not continue talking or seeing him and hung up. he called imediately and left a long message. His message said that he told his wife all about me, and that she has given him permission to take me as a second wife. Now what do you all have to say about that???
sis this is very simple, do you want to marry him or not?
if you do well then I wish all three of you the best..
if you dont then be curt, tell him and move on. Plenty of fish in the sea..
Plenty of fish but the plenty of wrong bait around too!
true, however one must go around these things in a certain way.. if you do it the haram way then your just asking for trouble. Go through the proper channels and inshallah you'll get a God-fearing brother..
Gosh this is funny.
I would never , ever, ever , ever (not even for a trillion dollars) consider becoming a second wife. So I am definitly moving on. Polygamy is one of the the things in Islam that I cannot really get my head around.
Probably none of you born and raised in Islam can see how bizarre and unbelievable this scenario is. But for me, being raised here in Canada it is quite incomprehensible!
Damsel in distress?? I am sorry I came across that way. God-fearing? Gosh I don't even care that much about that. I just want someone who treats me right and respects me. Are there many brothers out there who know about that?
I think polygamy really ends up cheating all parties involved. the man and women never get the chance to develop a deep intimacy. Emotional needs are spread between too many parties.
First Of All.......... Is Havin A Boyfriend Allowed In Islam???........... Erm I Dont Think So Honeys
Can a Muslim explain this to me? I am a Christian married to Muslim, so we were allowed to date. Why do some Muslims think that it's okay to date while others (I think most on this forum) do not think that it is okay?
I posted earlier that one of my girlfriends married an Imam and they dated prior to marriage. This is confusing me.
Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends.
It is haram (forbidden) to have relations outside of marriage in Islam, including prior to marriage, those who do, are deviating from Islam.
"Were they created by nothing, or were they themselves the creators?
Or did they create the heavens and the earth?
Nay, they have no firm belief.”
[Holy Qur'an: 52:35-36]
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