I Need Help :(

format_quote Originally Posted by Muslim Woman

u 2 are officially divorced or he just left u ??? Which country do u live in ? Is it possible for ur husband to take 2nd wife without divorcing u ?? If yes , then u can think of that possibility instead of divorcing if u still love him.

If not , then u may think of remarry. Do Isthekhara & take a decision . InshaAllah , everything will be ok soon. May Allah reward u for all the pain u went through , Ameen.

Yes, we are officially divorced. The only "solution" to this is performing a Helala; me marrying another man, getting divorced and remarrying my first husband. What did I do sister? My fault is that i loved and stood by my husband? That I was faithful to him despite him cheating on me systematically through our marriage? Why should i be punished to something like an helala only to return to a man...who might hurt me again. My problem isn't me wanting to reconcile with him. My problem is my heart...which can't stop loving a man who doesn't deserve my love

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

aww sister you makin me upset now

I pray everythin works out for you

I don't mean to upset you. I just need to let this out The pain is slowly killing me

Greetings and peace be with you Muslima_82; I am so sorry to hear of your pain, but there is always hope, always persevere with love.

Recently I went on a bereavement training course and one of the things that had meaning for me was the process of grieving after the death of a loved one. In a way you are also suffering from the death of a loved one, but it may seem worse because you still have contact with him.

Grieving is coming to terms with a loss and can be a process of denial, anger and eventually acceptance that everything is over. Grief was explained that however much time each day you spent with your loved one, you must try and replace that time with doing something else that has meaning for you. If you do not replace this time doing something you may sit around being sad and having all kinds of negative thoughts. In some ways grief stops you doing things because it almost seems more comforting to sit and be sad.

If you are able to help others in some way like the sick, elderly, disabled, it can help you to share other people’s problems. Over time this will help you come to terms with your grief, you have less spare time and you will feel you are doing something useful for another person.

Something similar but different happened to me about thirty years ago and it is possible to love again.

In the spirit of praying for an inner peace

Eric
.

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

Salam sis,

Alright,im going to get right down to the point:

You've admitted that this man cheated on you,he treated you badly,he left you for another woman(sorry for having to point them out once more,)you need to see things clearly and from an objective point of you:

You need to put YOURSELF first in all of this.Stop letting him hurt you,he's NOT worth it,trust me on this one.You,on the other hand,ARE worth it!You deserve better,Im sure you know that,

...am I right?

When someone puts themselves first,they won't tolerate anyone hurting them or pushing them down..You need to be strong sis,and know that this guy has brought you much pain,and that you,as a deserving,respectable young woman,won't tolerate that,and that you deserve better then someone who cheats on you and doesn't give you the respect that you deserve!

If he was blind enough not to see how kind and faithful you were,then he doesn't and didn't deserve you.

Remember that everything happens for a reason;who knows,maybe this is better for you.

Maybe you already know all of this and im not helping,maybe intellectually you acknowledge all of this...but you can't help the way you feel.

You might love him and he might be dreadful to you;remember to love yourself more....Know that you are strong enough to overcome this love,no matter what,because no man who hurts a woman like he's hurt you deserves your love.In this world,you've got to be tough sometimes and overcome emotions,hardaches,diseases,whatever life throws at you,and know that Insh'ALLAH,Allah(SWT) will reward you.

All the best sis,



p.s:sorry if I was a little rough ,it's out of love for a muslim sis.

There is nothing you can possibly say to make me hurt more than i am I've heard what you have written multiple times...from multiple people. You are right, i do realize all what you have said and more intellectually....but i feel as though i am stuck emotionally. I think my problem is facing the rejection i got from him....i loved him a lot, i guess i wanted him to love me at least as much back. I wanted to be his everything, having a husband with so many flaws i never could...and still can't think of another man. Believe me...its with great modesty i say i don't lack anything a good wife shouldn't have. Yet....my spirit has been totally crushed by the hands of a man who has me feeling as dull as a pile of dirt.

format_quote Originally Posted by Muslim Woman

sis , u r wrong ...there is nothing is Islam called Halala....this concept is Haram. To marry one person intentionally just for 1 night & get divorced & go back to previous husband ....sadly this nasty thing is seen in some places. We all must raise our voices against this .


U were divorced only for once ....so u 2 can remarry now.

If u 2 again get divorced & again remarry & the divorce takes place for the 3rd time , then marrying same husband is not allowed unless u marry another person & live with him & divorce * not the pre-planned one---takes place naturally.

This law was introduced to save women from those husbands who cheated them , treated them badly , but never freed them & always threatned them that we will divorce u , remarry u , divorce u etc.

PL. talk to a learned Imam if u want to go back to ur ex husband. But if he cheated u , then should u trust him again ??


anyway life is a great test sis for the hereafter . So , have patience & faith. InshaAllah , Allah will compensate u with better .

I didn't know that..i thought a Helala was the only option

But sister for me a life with him is really no option, even though subconsciously i want him back my logic says its best to let him go completely.

I don't know if i said that about a week a go me and him had a BIG fight, and i haven't spoken to him since...and he has also not contacted me....The fight was about him leading me on sexually...he has done so previously too...and my reaction is always out of great frustration and anger. I consider it very wrong and i won't ever to something like that out of respect to myself and my belief

I just feel so disrespected and hurt by him. I'm not planning on contacting him...but it still doesn't help the fact that i miss him a lot.

format_quote Originally Posted by Eric H

Greetings and peace be with you Muslima_82; I am so sorry to hear of your pain, but there is always hope, always persevere with love.

Recently I went on a bereavement training course and one of the things that had meaning for me was the process of grieving after the death of a loved one. In a way you are also suffering from the death of a loved one, but it may seem worse because you still have contact with him.

Grieving is coming to terms with a loss and can be a process of denial, anger and eventually acceptance that everything is over. Grief was explained that however much time each day you spent with your loved one, you must try and replace that time with doing something else that has meaning for you. If you do not replace this time doing something you may sit around being sad and having all kinds of negative thoughts. In some ways grief stops you doing things because it almost seems more comforting to sit and be sad.

If you are able to help others in some way like the sick, elderly, disabled, it can help you to share other people’s problems. Over time this will help you come to terms with your grief, you have less spare time and you will feel you are doing something useful for another person.

Something similar but different happened to me about thirty years ago and it is possible to love again.

In the spirit of praying for an inner peace

Eric
.

I can sooooo relate to what you wrote brother,

Days after the divorce i was a total basket case. I couldn't stop crying. And i really felt that i had lost my husband in a tragic accident. One moment he was there and the next he wasn't.

A lot has improved in a year, but for my account the improvement just seems very slow...i'm just sad about that it feels i have a long way to go still...i'm working on it i just hope this feeling ends soon.

Greetings and peace be with you Muslima_82;

my reaction is always out of great frustration and anger

It is easy giving advice because the people who give advice don’t have to pay the price, so please ignore this post if it sounds harsh and wrong for you at this time.

Your ex husband controls your mind whether you like it or not, if you are to have feelings of anger then you must use that anger in a positive way. Do not be angry with your husband but rather start feeling angry with yourself for not being in control of your own mind and letting your husband be in control.

Nobody on this Earth has the right to control your mind, you need to start feeling angry with yourself for being so weak. The fighting talk you may have with yourself is how can you do this and still remain a loving and kind person.

Life is a journey always one day at a time, it is finding the strength to get out of bed one more day and strive to be close to Allah. You can only fight your way through today, tomorrow will bring its own problems and those you must leave in the hands of God.

In the spirit of searching for an inner peace.

Eric

format_quote Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim

every heart belongs to Allah, have patience, everything happens with good reason, you may dislike something though Allaah knows its good for you.

Maybe its better right now for you to not get over this pain, a time will come when ease will cover the hardship, for now have patience.


Assalamu alaikum

I hope so...I know what i am suppose to do, and believe me for my own sake, self worth and dignity i try not to seem weak and pathetic in front of him...but i always manage to do so. This past week has been very liberating for me aswell. Hopefully a start of staying away from him forever?

I hope it is, and with time everything will be ok...ameen.

format_quote Originally Posted by Eric H

Greetings and peace be with you Muslima_82;

It is easy giving advice because the people who give advice don’t have to pay the price, so please ignore this post if it sounds harsh and wrong for you at this time.

Your ex husband controls your mind whether you like it or not, if you are to have feelings of anger then you must use that anger in a positive way. Do not be angry with your husband but rather start feeling angry with yourself for not being in control of your own mind and letting your husband be in control.

Nobody on this Earth has the right to control your mind, you need to start feeling angry with yourself for being so weak. The fighting talk you may have with yourself is how can you do this and still remain a loving and kind person.

Life is a journey always one day at a time, it is finding the strength to get out of bed one more day and strive to be close to Allah. You can only fight your way through today, tomorrow will bring its own problems and those you must leave in the hands of God.

In the spirit of searching for an inner peace.

Eric

I am here for advice and support bother don't worry about that harsh words will hurt my feelings. I think i need to hear it like it is...

You are right he does control me, because he knows my love for him makes me weak...and willingly or willingly he knows he has the strong hold...and of course it gives him an advantage and feeds his ego...he is only human...and so am i...

My anger towards him comes because i feel he treats my like an object of his desire...he subjects me for his sexual remarks and innuendo...and it hurts my feelings that he doesn't respect me more than that. How can i give in to his desires when we aren't married anymore? He should know me better than that...it just breaks my heart....

The bickering, nagging and moping...i could never hide it...and i'm tired cos i wanted to give him the impression that i was stronger than that....

While some people heal and get over things faster, others take longer, and there is nothign wrong with that. Not only did he betray you, but he also seems to have majorly damaged your own self-esteem and self-confidence, and that takes a very, very long-time to rebuild.

Just take it one step at a time and eventually, the time will come when you don't feel liek this anymore. I just wish I could tell you when (as the waiting and not knowing how long part sometimes seems to be one of the hardest things).

I highly suggest you cut him out of your life. If he calls, do not answer; if he knows at your door, don't answer; if you see him in public, just walk in the other direction or straight out ignore him. It's not easy, but he knows he can play with your emotions. Just cut him out, that's one of the main things you have to do (it may not be easy).

As always, ask God to help you through this, to guide you, remember to pray, read the Qur'an, and try to keep a positive outlook. It's not easy, it won't be easy, but someday it will pass. Have faith.

I pray you are feeling better sis, I wanted to say that if you want to talk then PM me, honestly, anytime sis...anytime inshallah

format_quote Originally Posted by MaiCarInMtl

While some people heal and get over things faster, others take longer, and there is nothign wrong with that. Not only did he betray you, but he also seems to have majorly damaged your own self-esteem and self-confidence, and that takes a very, very long-time to rebuild.

Just take it one step at a time and eventually, the time will come when you don't feel liek this anymore. I just wish I could tell you when (as the waiting and not knowing how long part sometimes seems to be one of the hardest things).

I highly suggest you cut him out of your life. If he calls, do not answer; if he knows at your door, don't answer; if you see him in public, just walk in the other direction or straight out ignore him. It's not easy, but he knows he can play with your emotions. Just cut him out, that's one of the main things you have to do (it may not be easy).

As always, ask God to help you through this, to guide you, remember to pray, read the Qur'an, and try to keep a positive outlook. It's not easy, it won't be easy, but someday it will pass. Have faith.

Its been a year already...i hope this feeling doesn't last forever...all though how can i completely forget? He will always be in my thoughts one way or the other...i just wish it could have worked out...and i guess the bitterness is holding me back...

I could never ignore him...but it seems for now he is ignoring me...maybe because he knows i will never give inn for what he wants, and he has realised there is nothing more to gain? What ever it is it is working. he hasn't contacted me, i wont contact him...If it lasts time passing itself will put a gap between us which wont be easy to break. Lets hope that's how it goes...for my sake...