Advice Need:Co-Wife

format_quote Originally Posted by Ghazalah

Believe it or not people have different levels of love, and even though Islam allows polygamy and I fully understand why, I'd either have all my husband or I'd not have him at all. You need to understand the nature of women, while some can bare the brunt of sharing a husband and have no problem with it, others cannot and it's not to do with having too much pride.

i do understand the nature of women, i am one myself. it says otherwise on my profile as i do not wish to be contacted by some odd men on the internet who are looking for a girl. but moving on, yes, i definitely agree people have different levels of love. when you say you don't want someone at all, you don't love them enough, you love your pride more. when you love someone so much and in such a crazy way that you would rather have them 2 minutes in a day and sit down and see them, rather than not at all, that is a different (higher) level of love than someone who says yes i love you but sorry can't be with you because you won't return my love the way i want. no offense to you, just my opinion. don't say it's not something with having too much pride, it is, you call it personal choice, i say it like it is and call it pride, because your personal choice stems from your ego/pride which says no i can't share. you need more love and overall higher levels of imaan to be able to "bear the brunt" as you call it, but maybe if you looked at it differently, you would see it's not exactly a burden, it's something Allah made halal, so all these women who say oh you don't understand the NATURE of women, um, actually, Allah is the one who created you, HE knows your nature better than anyone, even you yourself, and if He thought women should be able to "bear the brunt" then anyone who cannot, simply doesn't have enough imaan and also thinks they know better than Allah. sorry, not to throw flames at you, as my sister i love you and respect you, but don't say it's not about pride, it is. because if it was only your heart talking based on Islam free of these contrived ridiculous ideas of monogamy that western media has tried to imprint into our minds, you would say something else.

of course if i had someone and i didn't have to share them i wouldn't. no woman wants to. i get that. but if your husband says to you, i want to marry someone else also, and you say, sorry then divorce me, that is both against Islam and that also means you have too much pride and not enough love. when it comes down to between having someone you love yes, optimally we want them all to ourselves, but if you can't and you choose 0 instead of 50%, it's because you didn't love the person themselves, you loved the way they loved you, and your love was dependent on other things. that's not love. so in that case it's actually good you would leave them, cause you didn't love them, you loved the relationship.

because it wouldnt be legally recognized in my country as being married...if i get marryed as 1st wife..it takes my me off my moms insurance plan...fine print

format_quote Originally Posted by ThisOldMan

Speaking as a person who had been there and done that with regards to polygamy, I can say with dead certainty that polygamy is not at all what anyone, who had never experienced it, thinks it is. For example:

1. Some men may think that they can treat their multiple wives justly but I can tell you from hard experience that treating multiple wives with justice is as easy as, say, trying to keep your balance with your feet on two different pieces of ice floes.

2. Some women may think that they can accept polygamy. At least that's what they think before they get a co-wife. After they get a co-wife, they will discover emotions in themselves which they never thought they had. No prize for guessing what those emotions might be.

So, the best thing I can suggest is to ask your best friend to ask her husband to help look for a husband for you. And when she asks what kind of husband you would like, say someone like her husband. Make sure to add emphatically you would like to marry someone like her husband but not her husband. Then beg Allah for guidance. Maybe you can try this dua from surah Al-Qasas, verse 24. It is said to be very effective when used to look for a wife. I imagine it would work equally well when used to look for a husband.

One other thing, from what you have said, you have a great friend. Husbands are a dime a dozen but good friends like that can only be found once in a lifetime. WaLLahu aklam.

Wise advice above. Thanks for all for sharing because I have learned a lot on the topic.
In the past, I did hear that polygamy was almost necessary because widows and their children would starve to death if it was not for another man taking them in. Also, I have heard that Christian have/had the similar idea where a brother was obligated to marry his sister in-law if his brother passed. But, in this case, I don't see a survival emergency as there is still assistance from a parent (i.e. insurance from mother.) Therefore, it might be better to concentrate on feeling better, getting to know one's self, and giving it more time instead of complicating things further.

i was new to this forum and thought maybe i would meet some brothers and sisters, perhaps some who would have similar values and thoughts, but i believe the maturity levels here are a bit low. you guys are generally just very unfriendly to newcomers and seem to have your own "ring" and make others feel like an outsider. just a reminder, that is not how good muslims act really. you all just love to act like internet thugs and act all tough, i'd love to see how you all are in real life. it's easy to hide behind a screen all day. how is it deception if i am doing it to protect myself as a woman? there is too much free mixing on this forum. what makes you think there is not? look at this place. all this "brother/sister" stuff, dressed up as being halal, it's actually not. just FYI. in fact, i think most people on this forum need to re-think their own Islam because they claim to be muslim but pseudo-flirt all day with free interaction between the genders, which is against shariah. i am free to use my judgement as i wish and if i want to conceal my gender, that's my wish. i have less than 15 posts, you need hundreds to apply to the guys section. if i have no intention to even talk to a guy in ANY way, there is no way i would have any interest in going and joining the guys section? how is that even logical? you all need to calm down and before you go telling others they are deceptive try and understand others perspectives. you could have said oh by the way, sorry, noticed you were new sister, hey, did you know, you can NOT specify your gender on here if you are worried? nice way of treating someone who might not know? yeah, no, jump to a conclusion and say i am a deceiver and i'm not a muslim, i "claim" to be one. shame on you. you are the one who claims to be one and your username is sabr when you have none. Islam requires you to think well of all your brothers and sisters, what sort of a muslim are you to say i claim to be a muslim based on one stupid post on a forum, who handed you the right to be mr. know it all and tell me i'm not muslim? keep your opinions to yourself sir. it's men like you i needed staying away from me. i did not expect any of my muslim brothers to ever act like this towards me and your words were extremely rude and hurtful. there are non-muslims on this website who yes i do not trust them. yes i am rude, and it's so you don't get any "ideas". that's what a good muslim woman is supposed to act like. we are supposed to alter our voices when we talk to men, alter our appearance to make it non-attractive, so no way was i going to go on a forum and reveal my gender, because to me it is wrong, and i am islamically right. i did not know there was an "undisclosed" option, maybe you could have given me the benefit of the doubt and told me about it before jumping to your irrational and rude conclusions. as women, we are supposed to act in a rude way and not be so "oh brother, salaam, how was your day" yeah that's what i call halal flirtation. you guys try to dress it up as something when in reality it's something totally wrong. so don't go all scholarly on me, learn your own facts before you come preaching because you seem to have a lot to learn.

format_quote Originally Posted by τhε ṿαlε'ṡ lïlÿ

Thank you for acknowledging my logic indeed. I have my own (medical) views on keeping someone who is brain dead on life support which might not be compatible with yours given the above. But outside of medicine, from a humanitarian view I don't think keeping someone who is medically declared brain dead alive by artificial means as any form of love either. I accept that death is natural and that we shall all taste it and that it is the only way to attain eternal life. it would be more painful for me to see someone I love with tubes going in and out of them from every orifice along with a loss of dignity, decline in function for my own selfish reason of wanting them around in any physical form!


I am afraid you lost me with a part of that statement above, and I see a need to inject 'pride' into it as well when as stated pride has nothing to do with it. Sometimes circumstances are above love. Love is just an emotion that is independent from worldly constraints and I certainly don't need to paint several scenarios where it is possible to love someone very much but have to let them go for a greater good!


I think this is just either your inner child speaking through rose tinted glasses or a lack of abstract thought to what real life circumstances might throw your way!

Again, see previous responses and try to differentiate between an allowance and an injunction!
It maybe ok for you to take one or two wives, and it maybe ok for your wives to share, by the same token that is an unacceptable living arrangement for someone else.. As God has made an allowance of polygamy he has also made an allowance with divorces and we have seen many during the time of the prophet.. perfectly pious people who couldn't live under certain circumstances. It isn't up to you to decide what is considered selfish or oxymoronic.

on a last note, I am not 'hurt' at all by what you've written we're exchanging opinions. I may not like your certain choice of words but I accept that this is your line of thinking, I am not denigrating your opinion either.. I am just painting a picture that is outside what you might conceive in your mind as having to be 'logical' to everyone else. Also since when is love at all logical?

best,

salam,

has anyone ever told you that you may have a slight personality disorder? i think you do. you go around on the boards all day flaunting your medical expertise. do you think it makes you better than everyone else? your attitude is quite rude and condescending. you seem to value your opinion higher than others. there are nice ways of saying all the things you want to say, but since you have decided to be rude and Allah has stated in the Quraan that we do not need to be nice to those who hurt us, i will return the favour. first off, your medical opinion or not, i don't care about really, i don't see why you need to always mention your medical expertise in everything to validate your thoughts and opinions, perhaps because you are insecure about your opinions so you think that you need to tell others you indeed have been told you are smart be some medical school. well let me tell you, your logic is so flawed in so many ways it is quite laughable to me. i mean look at this " it would be more painful for me to see someone I love with tubes going in and out of them from every orifice along with a loss of dignity, decline in function for my own selfish reason of wanting them around in any physical form!" RIGHTTTTTT and THAT is not selfishness, that YOU would be the one with the problem seeing them in pain?! now that is a contradictory statement if i ever saw one, it's truly hilarious. well it is to someone at a slightly higher level of understanding/logic than you.

secondly, you would not have been able to understand this, because you need to have understood what i wrote in the first place, which you did not, but let me clarify - i was speaking about a very SPECIFIC situation where you love someone, you can marry them, there are no other problems between you, and you decide to NOT marry them based just on the fact that you do not wish to be a part of a polygamous marriage just because you do not want to share. you can say it any way you like: those personal opinions about not wanting to be a part of a polygamous marriage, assuming all else is fine, which is what i was suggesting in my post, those stem from pride and a lack of understanding of Islam. cause a true muslim woman who is free of trashy western emotions, will blindly follow what Allah says and would be ok with her husband being married to someone else in addition to her and would not say "all or nothing".

my inner child eh - you seem like the most childish one here as you need aggression and rage to get a point across? secondly, i am well aware of what life may or may not through my way, who are you to tell me i have a rose tinted view of the world when you do not even know me? i mean talk about judgemental people on this forum. perhaps it can be expected, it's the internet. i do know there can be many other problems in life alright. but i was talking about a SPECIFIC situation, about women who are happily married and their husband says i want to marry someone else and they say sorry no can do, i can't share you. sure i understand life is complicated and can throw a lot at you, but it's you who has a black and white view of the world because it's that all or nothing thought process, which is by the way, also unIslamic. do you think you know better than Allah? shame on you. your ego is so great that not only do you think you are better than others, you also think you know better about Islamic matters.

i also get it's a choice, not an obligation. i believe i addressed that when i said, sure all women want to be with the one they love and optimally not share. but life can throw a circumstance at you where you have to make a choice between allowing your husband to marry again OR leaving your husband. you girls who say "all or nothing" would divorce your husbands, which is ridiculous and unislamic and stupid, and it's due to too much pride, lack of love, and overall lack of understanding of life and religion in general. the sooner you women realize that men are polygamous BY NATURE and ALLAH has decreed this, you will get over your pompous internet thug selves.


and i see you agree with me that "It isn't up to you to decide what is considered selfish or oxymoronic." - well you said something was selfish in the beginning of the post, so are you disagreeing with yourself? make up your mind first?

also, are you really a doctor? it's shocking to me. you are one of the most judgemental people i have ever seen. i am saying this not just based on my interaction with you right now, but i have been reading posts by you before this also and you have some serious personality problems. the internet is not for you to unload all your problems. you, of all people, should be more sensitive about talking about "mummifications" and what not, because you should realize the sensitivity of such issues are realize the other person may have been though something very hurtful and hearing this is painful for them. don't just blindly write whatever you want. live up to your responsibilities, if you really are a doctor. and if you can't do that, at least be a good muslim, which you don't act like on here. how you are in real life, i don't know, so i will not comment on that. but as for here, you come across as someone who doesn't understand simple things, loves jumping to conclusions, has no regard for others opinions and overall has too much of an inflated ego due to your doctor status. get over yourself and stop thinking you're better and more mature than everyone else due to your age or education. i may be half your age and no where nearly as educated as you, but i may have been though much more in life than you can imagine sitting behind your screen, so learn to be humble. come back down to Earth. you head floats in the clouds. i have an exceedingly good intuition and i can tell you something, you probably have many problems in life due to this flaw in your character, so please try to fix it.

wsalam and i have changed my gender to undisclosed and will for sure, not be posting here ever again because this is just not a nice welcoming place where people have good healthy friendly discussions. everyone needs to resort to being rude to get some attention.

Salaam

Sister Aisha i'm sorry i've been a little too strong about my opinions, now that you have clarified your situation , i would like to share my opinion

i know you are going through difficult times , and you feel down because You think age matters and all that , but honestly age doesn't matter at all , the prophet PBUH marrie Lady Khadija RA nwhen he was 25 and she was 40 and he didn't marry another woman during his life time. which i thnk says alot , people who have ethic and some kind of integrity don't really mind things , such as age, race or nationality, skin color, level of handsomness or beauty at all , all they want is someone who shares the same thoughts, ideas and someone who is compatible, all that matters is what is inside , Never listen to conceited people around you whether they are muslims or nonmuslims telling you that there is no hope of you getting marrierd God is capable of providing you Something so wonderfull they will and envy you and regret the mean things or any type of hurting they caused you

you need to focus on your inner self beleive there is no point of marrying someone because you think they are attractive or they speak about things that interest you, i'm sorry but i don't even think you know hios personality or character to me he would be a stranger maybe there is going to be a problem in sharing your ideas with this person i personally agree with some members in this forum you really have to pray for someone that suits you . I think you're problem is from inside and this is why you started searching for happiness by limited means.

My advice for you is to leave her husband , regarding your friendship she is your best friend now , but if you get married , you will be her number one enemy,
i beleive the chilren love you because their own mother loves you , and i think they trust you and marrying their father will make them more than just hate you because they will think that you have deceived their mother, children are if not always then most of the time loyal to their mother. and it is more likely that they will strong feelings of hatred towards you they will never put you in place of their mother and they will see you as a woman who is trying to steal their father's heart from their mother.


Search for someone else , this is my advice , you don't have to follow it , otherwise i am very aware of the fact no matter how much i speak or write against it if God has willed for it to happen then it Will happen , and same No matter how much i speak or write for it if God doesn't will for it to happen then it will never happen. I think you have already enough to face in your life and this will cause even more hardship.


I hope i helped


regarding the gender issue , you know what it's here choice if she's insecure about males contacting her then i think we should leave her alone, i'm sorry you feel that people here are some what not very nice , i'm new as well and ive had the same feeling but it really doens't matter , it's their choice you , and i and everyone will not be asked about how someone behaves, we should focus on being as courteous as possible and returning evil with good

I hope i helped.

format_quote Originally Posted by in-the-shadows

i have changed my gender to undisclosed and will for sure, not be posting here ever again because this is just not a nice welcoming place where people have good healthy friendly discussions. everyone needs to resort to being rude to get some attention.

Ive only skimmed over this thread, sis theres a lot of strong personalities on this board, & its the net so things are going to get misconstrued from time to time. No need for anyone to leave the board, if you want to remain undisclosed thats your choice, nothing to do with anyone else. We should always try to purify our intentions.

I see a lot of posts written in anger on this board, maybe before we press submit we could all sit back and think of what were posting first ?

Keep posting sis, were all here to learn.

this sister did what she thought was necessary to protect herself from the smelly ass bad bachelor brothers

her intention was not to apply to the brothers section or cause deception

but are we brothers really that bad that sisters have to act as brothers to deter brothers