Marrying someone with a child. It is so wrong?

[nature]

Hmmm I don’t want to be one to break the bad news. But if you do choose to remarry then you would have to give up your child. Your mother or sister, or the father would take care of your child. I am surprised no one mentioned this.

So if you find a brother to marry you have to choose between raising your child or having a husband.

First ive heard. ! the OP sed she was in an abusive relationship so how is the father capable of looking after a child ?? wen it needs the mother most ? how is a woman expected to "give up" her child ?? even to one of her relatives ?? is that the compromise she has to make ?? child or husband ??

 

[Perseveranze]

First ive heard. ! the OP sed she was in an abusive relationship so how is the father capable of looking after a child ?? wen it needs the mother most ? how is a woman expected to "give up" her child ?? even to one of her relatives ?? is that the compromise she has to make ?? child or husband ??

If he's abusive/unable to take care, then I doubt he's getting the child whether he wants it or not.

 

[nature]

but why does the woman have to make a choice ?? between a child and starting afresh ?? i dont get it ?? I know loads of sisters that have remarried, and they never gave up their kids, the biological father still provides, or they hav joint custody. how can a sister's mother take responsibility bearing in mind most of our parents will be OAP's ?

 

[al yunan]

but you see the thing is i am not even Pakistani or Indian or even Arab. I am South American.

Walaikum Salam hermana,
Concidering your situation and all the different senarios and of cource the tenants of Shariah, My advice to you is go home. I don't know which country in South America you're from but I know there are Muslims everywhere.
Also knowing a bit about your present country I would highly recommend you do it quickly.
Remeber that people you follow culture (Adat) instead of Adab Islam need NO concideration as to Shariah as they use it when and how it suits them.
May Allah S.W.T grant you his protection and with speed guide you to safety.
Masalam

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

None of those hadiths referred to in the links and the other threads are sahih hadiths. Nor do they reinforce or further develop any ideas stated in the Quran or in sahih hadiths, so I'd consider that pretty flimsy evidence. Besides, I see certain logical inconsistencies in the arguments made. The quoted hadith:



It says the mother has a superior right until she remarries, but it doesn't say anything about her right relative to the father after remarrying. It doesn't say that the father's right is superior afterwards. It could just as well mean only that her right is only equal afterwards, not superior.

Also, in that same thread linked to, the following hadith was invoked:



A choice by the kid, then, without any reference to the marital status of either parent. One might object that this hadith only tells about a specific case which we don't know the exact details of, and that thus the Prophet's verdict was for that case only, and not intended to lay down a general rule. But exactly the same could be said about the first hadith quoted in this thread.

no, the father right is not superior afterwards. Hence: why the child should be raised by the mother's mother, aunty etc. The last Hadith is used as a reason why the child gets to choose after age of seven. Anyway this is what most scholars say not me. Most say that the mother no longer gets to have her child after she has remarried. But I also don’t know whether this is compulsory. I thought you should know the situation since you have the desire to get married. Talk to a scholar about whether this is a fix rule.


I am in similar position as you btw. It would be nice for you to feedback on what the scholar has said to you. I dont think I will ever have desires like you to get married again but it would be nice to know just in case my circumstances may change.

Best regards

 

[al yunan]

I have been divorced for almost a year now due to an abusive marriage from not only my ex husband but his family too. It was the most terrible 4 months of my life.

Assalamu Alaikum to all,

I've reading the replies to the sister and even though the replies are within Shariah the above fact of abuse surely takes precedence over all other matters, No ?
I'm also interested to find out the correct answer as I'm familiar with the Shariah in cases such as this under normal circumstances but as far as I know this a case for a Qadi for it involves mistreatment.
The problem as I see it is, will she get a fair verdict as she is a foreigner in a land of strange Fatwas.
In ideal situations where the Qadi is versed in four Mathab and true, she would most likely get justice.
In reality once its thought that she might take the child to a Kaafir country (South America) even if she has no intention to do so the case is over before it starts.
I've been around this part of the world more than two decades. Without powerful Embassy help case lost.

May Allah S.W.T protect us from this World's justice.
Masalam

 

[Futuwwa]

no, the father right is not superior afterwards. Hence: why the child should be raised by the mother's mother, aunty etc. The last Hadith is used as a reason why the child gets to choose after age of seven. Anyway this is what most scholars say not me. Most say that the mother no longer gets to have her child after she has remarried. But I also don’t know whether this is compulsory. I thought you should know the situation since you have the desire to get married. Talk to a scholar about whether this is a fix rule.

I am in similar position as you btw. It would be nice for you to feedback on what the scholar has said to you. I dont think I will ever have desires like you to get married again but it would be nice to know just in case my circumstances may change.

Best regards

Salaam sister,

Unfortunately I can't provide scholarly input on this issue, I haven't consulted any scholar on it. In fact I didn't know about this issue before you posted in this thread. I just posted my own thoughts - I might not be a hadith scholar, but spotting logical errors in an argument doesn't require that. Though, I'm up for correction if any more scholarly type here can show me where I'm wrong. If I encounter any scholar irl I might ask, though they're very scarce over here.

And I don't think I'm in a similar position as you, you must have misunderstood my post to PiousGirl. I'm looking to get married, but I have never been married before.

 

[PiousGirl_86]

Walaikum Salam hermana,
Concidering your situation and all the different senarios and of cource the tenants of Shariah, My advice to you is go home. I don't know which country in South America you're from but I know there are Muslims everywhere.
Also knowing a bit about your present country I would highly recommend you do it quickly.
Remeber that people you follow culture (Adat) instead of Adab Islam need NO concideration as to Shariah as they use it when and how it suits them.
May Allah S.W.T grant you his protection and with speed guide you to safety.
Masalam

Salaam Brother

I have a south American heritage but i was born British. So i would say i am British. But it has been my surprise that culture comes so much in the way when it comes to finding a spouse, often before deen. It is very wrong, i do not know why the next generation do not change this i mean are people not adults with a mind of their own any more? I know one must be obedient to their parents but parents abuse this by controlling their children's lives and every aspect of their lives, not only to whom they marry but to where they spend they wages on and how they use their car. yes i have come across many ridiculous things. I see this almost as using Islamic hadith to blackmail.

My point being children are a blessing from Allah and a privilege not a right. Parents should not think they own their children and every aspect of their lives till they die. This is abused by them in most cases. Yes, one should be responsible for their children and consider that whom they marry has Deen and comes from good family but not abused this privilege by controlling their wages and assets and most importantly their entire lives.

But i thank everyone for their answers.

 

[SAKER]

The problem is the culture, not Islam. Dont set your prime hope only on those of your culture.

wow VERY VERY GOOD ....PEOPLE MAKE things in some cultures as if it was part of Islam wrongly .....

Our rasoul al Allah Mohammed -p.u.h- got married with Khadija -she was older -AND THEY WERE VERY HAPPY

Unfortunately many Muslims have a superficial understanding for Islam.

People do not know that they will be rewarded by Allah raising an other child ??????

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah,

Hello all,

I am new to this board, but have been reading for a while in the last few days. I have a question to ask the members on here and i wondered if you can offer your help and advice and even your support. I will provide a little bit of a background, so please forgive me for the length of this.

I have been divorced for almost a year now due to an abusive marriage from not only my ex husband but his family too. It was the most terrible 4 months of my life. Alhumdulilah, i am happy to be free. However, i became pregnant early and so i am raising a baby all on my own. It has been hard but i am getting by with the Grace of Allah (swt). Since then i have had space and time for myself and now i feel i am ready to meet someone to marry again. However, as you all can imagine it has been an even harder struggle to meet a good Muslim who would not judge me as they don't even make an effort to know my personality but only see this baby, let alone that i am divorced. What happened to looking at my Deen and Personality as the Hadith had suggested? I don't want to run the risk of saying anything bad to offend anyone, but it is made me become very disappointed in Muslim men in general, as i find it appalling. I have found it easier to meet non-Muslim men who do not mind a child, but i do not want that, Allah (swt) comes first for me. Some even marry someone with 2 or 3 children, but when it comes to a Muslim, he doesn't want to know you. It is no wonder non-Muslim societies think they see that this is Islam, treating a woman as second class citizen when it is culture and ignorance.

My question is this, does the Sunnah forbid this? As i recall, the Prophet (pbuh) married a number of divorced women and widows. Even his beloved Khadijah bint Khuwaylid, the love of his life, was a divorcee, but i believe it is not clear whether she had children before marrying him. However, many seem to forget this and often let culture come first and not the Islam. Some often feel they are better than this, or deserve better.

Secondly, can anyone provide any Quranic teaching or Hadith to show that it is highly pleasing or okay to marry a divorced woman with a child?

Like i said i find too often that culture, of especially the family, get in the way. Many people seem to follow a 'request' to not marry a divorcee, let alone someone with a child. This is a question for especially men, why can't they stand up and correct their parents and do the honourably thing when you meet a woman you like? Doesn't the Sunnah state that you should correct a dislikeable/wrong thing with your tongue?

Yes, i understand some men have this problem too, even though the children live away from home. I find the female, not surprisingly, has to bare the brunt and sigma of consequences that were not all her fault. As an Ummah we should be looking after, taking care and protecting our females in society, especially those of us in such a position, not judging us and pushing us to the side. But many seem to pick their own rules.

Sorry for blabbing on, but this is a topic that has really got me upset as i have felt like an old used toy and i was unfortunately married for only 4 months to a badly brought up manchild and i have a child for the rest of my life. However do not think, i see my child as a burden in any way, it has made me very happy and i feel very blessed in so many ways, Alhumdulilah.

Thanks for your time and please i love to here your explanations and advice.

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us as i know it could not have been easy.

There are many Muslim sisters out there in your position and it is a difficult position to be in especially when there is a child involved. But you must think to yourself that those men who reject you are simply not meant for you. Surely Allah has someone better in store for you.

I know of a case just recently where a divorced sister who went through similar experiences which caused her to have a divorce and she also had a child. After a while of looking for a partner she ended up finding a single man who accepted her child as her own.

So you must continue to be patient and persevere in trying to find a partner and those that reject you then do not think bad of them or think that they are "not good" because we should never judge and a single and unmarried man or women does have a right to marry similar to them. I myself have seen that many sisters also have had the same requirements that the man be single and never married with no children.

So it is a right that a single and unmarried person has to choose whether or not they would prefer to marry a single or previously married person. So this is something which you should respect and not look down on those people.

There are also many cultural hurdles that stop brothers and sisters being able to marry whoever they want but unless you are not from those cultures then you would never understand it from their perspective. It is not as easy as you may think to go against cultural restraints but it does differ from one family to another aswell as one culture to another. But soon as the new generations of Muslims continue to grow in the western world then these cultural restraints will also begin to dissapear.

So my sister look at it as whoever comes your way and it does not proceed to marriage then they were simply not meant for you but know that Allah has someone better in store for you as long as you go about marriage in the permissable way.

You must NEVER lose hope as that is what shaythan wants but you must continue to strive and persevere and explore all of the permissable avenues of looking for a marriage partner and at the same time make sincere dua and put your FULL hope, trust and faith in Allah that he will do what is best for you.

Beg of Allah in dua to help you fulfill your requests especially during Tahajjud time in the third portion of the night.

Also do the following to help you find a marriage partner:

1. Pray 2 rakat salaatul Hajaat:

The hadith regarding it: Abullah ibn Abi Awfa (Allah be pleased with him) relates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever has a need with Allah, or with any human being, then let them perform ritual ablutions well and then pray two rakats. After that, let them praise Allah and send blessings on the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). After this, let them say,

لا إِلَهَ إِلا اللَّهُ الْحَلِيمُ الْكَرِيمُ
سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَرْشِ الْعَظِيمِ

الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِين
أَسْأَلُكَ مُوجِبَاتِ رَحْمَتِكَ وَعَزَائِمَ مَغْفِرَتِكَ وَالْغَنِيمَةَ مِنْ كُلِّ بِرٍّ وَالسَّلامَةَ مِنْ كُلّإِثْمٍ
لا تَدَعْ لِي ذَنْبًا إِلا غَفَرْتَهُ وَلا هَمًّا إِلا فَرَّجْتَهُ وَلا حَاجَةً هِيَ لَكَ رِضًا إِلا قَضَيْتَهَا يَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِينَ

There there no god but Allah the Clement and Wise.
There is no god but Allah the High and Mighty.
Glory be to Allah, Lord of the Tremendous Throne.
All praise is to Allah, Lord of the worlds.
I ask you (O Allah) everything that leads to your mercy, and your tremendous forgiveness, enrichment in all good, and freedom from all sin.
Do not leave a sin of mine (O Allah), except that you forgive it, nor any concern except that you create for it an opening, nor any need in which there is your good pleasure except that you fulfill it, O Most Merciful!”

[Related by Tirmidhi and Ibn Maja)

Here is the dua after praying 2 rakat salaatul hajaat:

http://www.central-mosque.com/Dua/11. Salat al-hajah - dua at the time of need.htm


2. Give as much Sadaqa as possible for the pleasure of Allah

3. Make much strong dua to Allah particularly in the latter portuion of the night after praying Tahajjud prayer. Cry to Allah if you can for Allah tends the slave who cries and weeps faster than a mother tends its baby.

4. Leave major sins for this gets in the way of duas being accepted.

5. Thank Allah as much as possible for how happy would Allah be with his slave who is thankful to him even though they may be going through difficult trials.

6. Make dua as much as possible in the following situations where dua is more likely to be accepted:

- After every fardh salaat and before going to bed, and after making wudhu(after the wudhu dua), while raining, while azzan is in progress(time when the muezzin pauses during the azaan), after azaan, between azaan and iqmah, when the cock crows, in a religious gathering, while travelling to masjid or on the way to meet a sick person etc

There is also an hour on Jumma where duas are definatley accepted so do as much dua as possible during Jumma.

7. Do plenty of durood before and after dua.

Increase the avenues you are currently exploring in order to find a suitable marriage partner like:

9. Ask around for those who have contacts for marriage because in most areas where there are Muslims there are usually 8omen who have contacts which they pass on to people and if it gets to marriage then you just pay them a small fee.

9. Goto proper Islamic marriage events where the girls are accompanied by their mahrams

10. Join some Muslim marriage sites where a mahram is involved like purematrimony.com

11. Ask around your local area in al of your local masjids. You can phone them and they will be more than willing to put you in ouch with the right person who sets up local marriages.

12. Ask close friends or relatives.

13. Recite the following:

Rabbi innee limaa anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer

136x's everyday

[My lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me]

Source: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=1908&CATE=10

14. a) Be in the state of Tahaarah (Wudhu)
b) Praise and glorify Allah
c) Have faith that Allah Ta'ala is All-Hearing and your Du'aas will be
accepted.
d)Read durood shareef upto 500 times a day. (Read the Duroode-Ibrahimi, which we read in Salaah, at least 500 times a day, the great Hadhrat Sheikh Zakariyya has written this in his letters).

Source: http://www.islam.tc/cgi-bin/askimam/ask.pl?q=8597&act=view


So my sister NEVER give up hope because whatever is best will happen for you because with hardship comes ease. When you finally find the one who is destined for you then you will appreciate him so much more.

Remember: YOU WILL GET WHAT IS DESTINED TO YOU BUT WHEN YOU WILL GET IT ONLY ALLAH KNOWS BEST.

So please act upon the advice i have given you and continue to be strong, strive and persevere and in the end you will be victorious!

May Allah find you the best and most pious person who will benefit you in this world and the next. Ameen

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

[Cabdullahi]

Many people love children...

 

[Beardo]

I pray that Allah Ta'ala eases your situation. 22 is young, but still young for a re-marriage too. May Allah Ta'ala bless you with a wonderful husband.

 

[kingkong]

Don't feel sorry for yourself, perhaps that's why Allah is holding back on helping you find a new husband.

A very good man match maker in Birmingham said, he helps a lot of divorces to re-marry, but the women who talk about the suffering as a single mother as a hardship take much longer than those single mothers who make no mention of the difficulties.

So the first thing I'd advise you to do is not complain or feel sorry for yourself, there are people all over the world who are in a far worse situation.

When you are ready, go to a helpful matchmaker, they are available all over the world through masjids. Hopefully he can help you find someone. Be realistic too, it's highly unlikely there will be a queue of mothers who will want a divorcee for their son (they are entitled to marry who they want to their sons), so perhaps you shoudl aim for a divorcee like you or a widower?

I will end by saying, I understand the difficulties many women go through in marriages, and as sorry as I feel for them, I wouldn't even marry one, not because of fear of another failed marriage, but because of the thought she has been touched by another man, I could never ever get that out of my head. I don't know if that's the reason why other men won't marry and it isn't a nice thought, but what to do?

Insha'allah you'll find happiness.

 

[PiousGirl_86]

Don't feel sorry for yourself, perhaps that's why Allah is holding back on helping you find a new husband.

A very good man match maker in Birmingham said, he helps a lot of divorces to re-marry, but the women who talk about the suffering as a single mother as a hardship take much longer than those single mothers who make no mention of the difficulties.

So the first thing I'd advise you to do is not complain or feel sorry for yourself, there are people all over the world who are in a far worse situation.

When you are ready, go to a helpful matchmaker, they are available all over the world through masjids. Hopefully he can help you find someone. Be realistic too, it's highly unlikely there will be a queue of mothers who will want a divorcee for their son (they are entitled to marry who they want to their sons), so perhaps you shoudl aim for a divorcee like you or a widower?

I will end by saying, I understand the difficulties many women go through in marriages, and as sorry as I feel for them, I wouldn't even marry one, not because of fear of another failed marriage, but because of the thought she has been touched by another man, I could never ever get that out of my head. I don't know if that's the reason why other men won't marry and it isn't a nice thought, but what to do?

Insha'allah you'll find happiness.

Assalaamu alailkum,

Thanks for your words and help Hamza81, I make dua everyday for a good husband and father for my child. I always think that what is for me and what Allah wills, will be for me. Trust me I am being patient.*

Kingkong I believe you have misread my first post, I am not struggling as a single mother in fact I have been very much better off not being married at the moment, however my choice to marry is not only because I want to and feel the need for companionship but because I want to complete my deen. But yes I know I must be patient which I am for I know something better is always around the corner.*

I very much understand that parents don't want their sons marrying someone previously married but i think you missed that i did write that is was down to cultural upbringing. The brainwashing that a woman has been married before is bad and she is the worse. This is a bad attitude to take. Imagine if that woman was your own sister, mother, aunt or daughter, then you would only know of the sigma and only then would you know how it hurts. I understand that some men are not responsible enough to look after a child which I am fine with as I do need someone mature and responsible. That is a valid reason, not all men are cut out to be fathers. Furthermore,*I*think it is quite disgusting really that the woman carries the sigma of divorce when the man doesn't, especially when it was not her fault. Another cultural mentality I have encountered. I was married to a Pakistani man so was amongst the community for a while to know what I am talking about. I find it a great shame the next generation doesn't change this way of thinking back to what is islam and teach that the girl is not the bad one and that every case has individual reasons. A community should look after its female members of society as they are vulnerable rather than judge them but I rarely see that happen. It's a wonder why that outsiders of Islam think Islam is backwards and treat is female members of society as second class citizens when it's not Islam but culture.*

Secondly, kingkong you would be very ignorant to think that a muslim girl who has never been married before has 'never been touched by a man'. I personally know of stories where girls have committed all sins in the book especially zina and abortion. Yes, abortion just because of the very same sigma I experience and I was married. I personally know of girls who have done such things but I won't tell stories for I do not what to backbite. However, I am aware men do commit these same sins before marriage but they can escape the sigma because how can you tell he has been touched by a woman? You*would be surprised to know that someone who has divorced will actually be more chaste than a girl who has never been married. It is shame you see the child and her status to think of her that way and not worth a consideration. Again this highlights the hardship for women to combat compared to a divorced man. I am actually more worried about a man who has had relationships with girlfriends than a divorced man as at least I know who is more likely to be chaste and Allah knows best.*

 

[kingkong]

Insha'allah you'll find a good man.

 

[nature]

I will end by saying, I understand the difficulties many women go through in marriages, and as sorry as I feel for them, I wouldn't even marry one, not because of fear of another failed marriage, but because of the thought she has been touched by another man, I could never ever get that out of my head.

Isnt that just your insecurities though ?? Thank allah not every man feels like that. I doubt you'd be saying that if it was your sister, or cousin. You only know what its like wen you've got a relative/friend in that situation.

 

[nature]

Assalaamu alailkum,


Imagine if that woman was your own sister, mother, aunt or daughter, then you would only know of the sigma and only then would you know how it hurts. I understand that some men are not responsible enough to look after a child which I am fine with as I do need someone mature and responsible. That is a valid reason, not all men are cut out to be fathers. Furthermore,*I*think it is quite disgusting really that the woman carries the sigma of divorce when the man doesn't, especially when it was not her fault. Another cultural mentality I have encountered.

The culture thing your right on, inshallah the young muslims of today, will hopefully break down these stupid barriers. I know wat its like for a divorcee, i have relatives/friends in your position. Some of them married but others are still waiting. your right blokes have it easier, even wen its their fault, they move on without a care in the world, its only the women that seem to be treated like crap.

Keep making dua sis.

:wa:

 

[kingkong]

Isnt that just your insecurities though ?? Thank allah not every man feels like that. I doubt you'd be saying that if it was your sister, or cousin. You only know what its like wen you've got a relative/friend in that situation.

Maybe marrying someone or being with someone who has had sex before doesn't bother you. But being a virgin myself, that's all I want. I fought off many evils and Insha'allah I will continue to do so in the hope that I end up with a girl of similar nature. If I didn't, then I'd divorce immediately irrespective of whether that person has changed or not.

It doesn't bother most, but it bothers me.

As for your comment about not every man being like that, all of my friends who never had girlfriends or messed around in their youth, not a single one of them wanted to marry anyone but an unmarried virgin. Like I said before, it'd be easier if everyone married someone of a similar baqckground.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Maybe marrying someone or being with someone who has had sex before doesn't bother you. But being a virgin myself, that's all I want. I fought off many evils and Insha'allah I will continue to do so in the hope that I end up with a girl of similar nature. If I didn't, then I'd divorce immediately irrespective of whether that person has changed or not.

It doesn't bother most, but it bothers me.

As for your comment about not every man being like that, all of my friends who never had girlfriends or messed around in their youth, not a single one of them wanted to marry anyone but an unmarried virgin. Like I said before, it'd be easier if everyone married someone of a similar baqckground.

Asalaamu Alaikum,

Shaykh Mustafa al-Ruhaybaani said:

“It is Sunnah for the one who wants to get married to marry a virgin, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Jaabir, ‘Why not a virgin whom you could play with and she could play with you?’ (agreed upon) – unless there is a reason for which marrying a previously-married woman is better, in which case he should choose such a woman over a virgin, in order to serve that interest.” (Mataalib Uli al-Nuha, 5/9, 10)

So a virgin unmarried man has a right to marry a virgin unmarried women and vice versa and they should certainly do so unless there are reasons why he should marry a previously married women over a young virgin women.

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

[Futuwwa]

I will end by saying, I understand the difficulties many women go through in marriages, and as sorry as I feel for them, I wouldn't even marry one, not because of fear of another failed marriage, but because of the thought she has been touched by another man, I could never ever get that out of my head. I don't know if that's the reason why other men won't marry and it isn't a nice thought, but what to do?

Well, for starters, keep convincing yourself that your sentiment is irrational until you no longer act on it. There's nothing despoiling about having been "touched by another man", not if it was done in a proper Islamic marriage. That which is halal (or in this case, even mustahab or fard) cannot possibly diminish her worth. Several hadiths attest to the fact that sex between spouses is a good deed. Shame on anyone who would hold a good deed against a muslim.