not sure about getting married

[anonymous]

asalaamu allaikum

i need some advice and i am a brother 6 months ago i got engaged and i told my cousin to tell my dad to find me a wife and he did and asked if i wanted to get married to my uncles daughter and i said yes i was so so happy in time and there was that energy in me that i can do anything but i never saw my uncles daughter before she is back home and i am in uk after some time i spoke to her on the phone and we got along very well and its been 6 months since we got engaged and there isnt that spark between us i mean from my side i dont feel the same way i did before she sound a different person some time and some time just like when we spoke first and after some time and she says she is very clever what does that mean and she said that when we get married and on the wedding night i dont do anything what does that mean i mean is she trying to do something ? like if a girl didnt had sex before the man will know right when u get married what if she is trying to i mean after the wedding night i she is not virgin then u can give her talaaq or something but if the first night is gone i i know that she isnt virgin what will happen i wont be able to do anything bcoz every 1 will say why i didnt say it the first night so then i will be in bad possition right please help me i dont know what to do and how can i be like the first time when i got engaged i dont know if she is a good person or bad how can i find out every 1 says she is a good person

 

[noorseeker]

Only she can tell you see is a virgin, no one else can

 

[Muhaba]

i think she's just shy and it doesn't mean that she's hiding anything. so stop worrying and stop doubting. if you want, you can discuss this with your father and let them know what she wants. so that afterward, if something isn't right, they will know your situation in advance and won't think that you lied or anything. you may even have your mother discuss this with your aunt and let them talk to her. but don't tell them that you think it means that she isn't a virgin. that's just a silly assumption.

 

[anonymous]

maybe she just means few days of wedding she wont be doing any house-work?
you know like 'I'm a bride' i'm just guessing but make sure you pray istikhara again so that there isnt any problem or doubts and leave everything in the hands of Allaah and have faith in Him, He will surelly find you a the right direction whether this person was ment to be with you or not. inshallah

Please try to avoid much contact with her, she not your mahram yet.
you should ask someone that knows her personally like her mum and you could ask your mum what you want to ask or close family member that know her very well. this will be better for you and her.

 

[anonymous]

Only she can tell you see is a virgin, no one else can

when u have sex u can tell thats what i know its not like only she knows

i think she's just shy and it doesn't mean that she's hiding anything. so stop worrying and stop doubting. if you want, you can discuss this with your father and let them know what she wants. so that afterward, if something isn't right, they will know your situation in advance and won't think that you lied or anything. you may even have your mother discuss this with your aunt and let them talk to her. but don't tell them that you think it means that she isn't a virgin. that's just a silly assumption.

we have been talking allot and i know she is not shy she is very clever i am the one who is shy she is very very clever every 1 says that and i cant talk to my dad or mom actualy my mom died when i was a kid and my dad got married so u know i dont really like talking to my step mom but every 1 says she is a good peson none said anything bad about her but its the way she talks and one minute she is a deferent person the next very good and i cant tell how she is.

maybe she just means few days of wedding she wont be doing any house-work?
you know like 'I'm a bride' i'm just guessing but make sure you pray istikhara again so that there isnt any problem or doubts and leave everything in the hands of Allaah and have faith in Him, He will surelly find you a the right direction whether this person was ment to be with you or not. inshallah

Please try to avoid much contact with her, she not your mahram yet.
you should ask someone that knows her personally like her mum and you could ask your mum what you want to ask or close family member that know her very well. this will be better for you and her.

no its not that she ment about sex not house work as said above every 1 says she is a good person but its just that feeling i have in my heart saying something maybe wrong she says she love me blah blah blah i sent my pictures to her to be honest i aint that good looking but i have a good heart and i am vrey very shy person so if i dont do anything the first night then after if she wasnt virgin my life would be destroyed and i dont know what i will do some time i think i should leave this world and i sent her a gift she didnt even say if it was good or bad i asked her then she said it was ok thats all there is still time i can let her go but i am not sure if iam right or wrong

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

when u have sex u can tell thats what i know its not like only she knows



we have been talking allot and i know she is not shy she is very clever i am the one who is shy she is very very clever every 1 says that and i cant talk to my dad or mom actualy my mom died when i was a kid and my dad got married so u know i dont really like talking to my step mom but every 1 says she is a good peson none said anything bad about her but its the way she talks and one minute she is a deferent person the next very good and i cant tell how she is.



no its not that she ment about sex not house work as said above every 1 says she is a good person but its just that feeling i have in my heart saying something maybe wrong she says she love me blah blah blah i sent my pictures to her to be honest i aint that good looking but i have a good heart and i am vrey very shy person so if i dont do anything the first night then after if she wasnt virgin my life would be destroyed and i dont know what i will do some time i think i should leave this world and i sent her a gift she didnt even say if it was good or bad i asked her then she said it was ok thats all there is still time i can let her go but i am not sure if iam right or wrong

As'Salaamu Alaaykum

Firstly, please do not feel or think you should leave this world, bear in mind it is a fact we will all leave this dunya one day, everyone and everything.

Secondly, you shouldnt be exchanging conversations with one another 'alone', try not to speak to the sister alone, rather get her to get her mahram (father, brother) along when you speak to her,

Thirdly, is she good in her deen? enquire about her through her family, does she have a intention to practice her deen? Do you want your children to be raised on the deen? deen of Allaah?

Fourthly, When you feel you are interested in her, or she is right for you, try to arrange a meeting, in which you can meet each other, but not alone, but the sister with her mahram.

Fiftly, If you are still unsure whether to go ahead or not, perform ishtikarah 'salaah, it is the prayer of guidance, through this prayer you will be shown whether you continuing with this situation is good for you in this life and the hereafter or not..

By your last few sentences, about giving gifts, you are free to do so after marriage insha'Allaah or during the marriage ceremony, but try not to get attached as she is not married to you yet.

And to add, trust in Allaah, ask him for help whenever you need it, and ask here for advice also whenever you are able to.
If I missed anything out, insha'Allaah someone can correct me ..

 

[Perseveranze]

when u have sex u can tell thats what i know its not like only she knows

Asalaamu Alaikum brother,

This is probably one of the biggest and common misconceptions people have about women. You can never ever tell if she is a virgin or not, unless she told you herself. This idea that "you can tell when you have sex" is false and honestly to do with messed up culture.

Read this to understand better - http://www.islamicgarden.com/mythhymen.html

And stop worrying/getting suspicious. If you feel this girl is right for you, then don't hesitate or have dumb thoughts. If you geniunly think she's not right for you, then end the engagement as soon as you can.

 

[Grofica]

but a doctor can tell. without being too vulgar there are specific changes that happen with the tissue "down there" if intercourse has occured.

 

[Riana17]

Asalam alaikkum

Prophet Muhammad's lovely 1st wife is TOP Muslimah (pbu them) & was not virgin but older and with kids too.

However you have the full rights, if virginity is so important to you, you have the right to ask her, and ask her before marriage than it will cause chaos between you two

With regards to manners, you can have a little ideas through parents and other resources but the real deal can only be found upon living on the same roof.

I had one friend who were engaged with Canadian Muslim and later he rejected her, there is one Hadith not to say no for NO REASON TO a woman, something like that, because its not good to reject

Later on he realized it was wrong, he cant justify his acts for abandoning their engagement, now they are together in Canada.Alhamdollelah

PLEASE DONT FORGET THE NIYYAH before Marriage, you will love your wife and accept her for Allah's sake...

 

[noorseeker]

At the end of the day she will be your wife,

You shouldnt worry too much, a lot of us who are still single, would jump at the chance of marrying

 

[anonymous]

hi thanks all for your comments but something happen i recieved her pictures today and i think she is not the same person i saw in the first picture my parents showed me i got fresh pictures of her today and i am not attracted to her she is not beautifull and to be honest i dont mind if she is not beautiful but what is killing me is iam not attracted to her how can i marry her if i dont like her and not attracted to her please help i think my parents tricked me but dont know for sure Allah knows better i dont know what to do know if i tell my parents that i dont want to get married then surely there will be big problem between me and my parents and every 1 else dont really know what to do i see a way is by killing my self but i am scared after i die what will happen or whats out there but if i dont do that then i have to marry her if i dont i am gona loose every 1 family relatives i will be alone and i know this bcoz it will happen so i will be on my own please [please please advice me i am lost i cant look at her pictures

 

[Salahudeen]

You can't choose your marriage partner based upon a picture because people look completely different in pictures depending upon the environment. You can't really know if you're attracted to someone unless you meet them, can't you back out and say you will decide if you want to marry her after you've met her and done istikhara? Can't you just say you're not prepared to agree to marry someone you've never met in person and after you've met her you will decide?

 

[ardianto]

You can't choose your marriage partner based upon a picture because people look completely different in pictures depending upon the environment.

I agree with you.

But in this case I think this brother is not too -excuse me- dumb to be tricked. He knows, those pictures actually pictures of two different persons. The first was someone else, the newest is that girl real picture.

 

[anonymous]

You can't choose your marriage partner based upon a picture because people look completely different in pictures depending upon the environment. You can't really know if you're attracted to someone unless you meet them, can't you back out and say you will decide if you want to marry her after you've met her and done istikhara? Can't you just say you're not prepared to agree to marry someone you've never met in person and after you've met her you will decide?

yes i know that and no i havent done istikhara and no i cannot say i cant marry her but if i do then hell will come loose on me we are pathans so u know if i do then every 1 i know will hate me including my parents i will have no one i am scared i dont know what i am gona do and in the first picture she is deferent i cant match both pictures is there a sister her who i can send the pictures to match both if them and tell me if i am not crazyimsad i told my cousin i talk free with him he does not tell any 1 else he said u cant back up now u have to marry her and if u do every 1 will hate me and no one will speak or say hi to me anymore including him he said its not possible they can be deferent person in the pictures so if i marry her i dont think the life we will have would be a good one i am sure on this we wont be happy so what chice do i have please i need advice ASAP the more the time passes the harder it will be end ohhh forgot something first she did not send any picture she said i cant then after 6 or 7 months wich is today i recieved pictures of her and BTW we are engaged already just not married yet

I agree with you.

But in this case I think this brother is not too -excuse me- dumb to be tricked. He knows, those pictures actually pictures of two different persons. The first was someone else, the newest is that girl real picture.

my cousin is telling me i am crazy i dont know whats going on

 

[Salahudeen]

I don't know what to say, it's better you back out if your not gonna be happy with her as your wife because your relatives will be even more angry if you divorce her after you married her, so I think it's best you back out before hand because if you end up divorcing her later on it will be a lot worse. Is there no way at all that you can reason with them and explain your having doubts and you need to meet first to be sure you wanna marry imsad won't your parents understand that? How about you talk with her on webcam with her wali present that way you can see a more accurate image of her. Is that possible?

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

As'Salaam Alaaykum

yes i know that and no i havent done istikhara and no i cannot say i cant marry her but if i do then hell will come loose on me we are pathans so u know if i do then every 1 i know will hate me including my parents i will have no one i am scared i dont know what i am gona do and in the first picture she is deferent i cant match both pictures is there a sister her who i can send the pictures to match both if them and tell me if i am not crazyimsad i told my cousin i talk free with him he does not tell any 1 else he said u cant back up now u have to marry her and if u do every 1 will hate me and no one will speak or say hi to me anymore including him he said its not possible they can be deferent person in the pictures so if i marry her i dont think the life we will have would be a good one i am sure on this we wont be happy so what chice do i have please i need advice ASAP the more the time passes the harder it will be end ohhh forgot something first she did not send any picture she said i cant then after 6 or 7 months wich is today i recieved pictures of her and BTW we are engaged already just not married yet

Firstly, you said you've seen pics of her? have you met her? how can you get engaged without meeting?
Also you have to let your family realise that if your not interested in her then you have a right to say no. Bro, you need to say something before you get yourself into something you dislike. Realise if you dont do something now then you will most likely regret later on in life.

Please i advice you, please also make du'aa and put your full faith and trust in Allaah, do as much as you can to make parents understand.

I hope someone better with advice replies.

 

[Salahudeen]

Bro it's possible it was just a really bad pic, I look like a dead person who came back to life in pictures, so I think maybe you need to meet her before you make any final decision as she could just be a person who doesn't come out good in photo's but you won't know unless you meet her. But the problem is she's in another country and if you go over there and say no they might get offended and upset so I don't know, maybe it's best if you just pull out before things get really messy. I know someone who wanted to pull out of it and they made excuse that they done istikhara and got negative feeling after and bad dream and they're not gonna go ahead with the marriage. Maybe you can do that? :hmm:

 

[anonymous]

As'Salaam Alaaykum



Firstly, you said you've seen pics of her? have you met her? how can you get engaged without meeting?
Also you have to let your family realise that if your not interested in her then you have a right to say no. Bro, you need to say something before you get yourself into something you dislike. Realise if you dont do something now then you will most likely regret later on in life.

Please i advice you, please also make du'aa and put your full faith and trust in Allaah, do as much as you can to make parents understand.

I hope someone better with advice replies.

wsalam sister my cousin called me few hours ago to come to there home and show me the pictures as i said they are different and he said she looks different bcoz time has past and people look different when time goes by and he said your not the beautiful and ur asking for a beautiful wife i said its not the beauty its just when u feel the love when u see some 1 i dont know how to explain it but when u see some 1 u feel it she is the one or ur atracted to her something like that another thing i noticed is she looks old to me is well 30+ and iam going to be 29 soon and she says she is 19 wot she is my uncles daughter maybe they are trying to connect us well i am from afghanistan and a pathan we just do it this way for generations and if i dont get married no one will talk to me and hate me everything thing will be bad and i live with my parents they will kick me out just imagine what else would happen i know thats why i dont want to regret it later i know i wont be happy with her so if i say no hell will break my father is a very angry and abusive father

Bro it's possible it was just a really bad pic, I look like a dead person who came back to life in pictures, so I think maybe you need to meet her before you make any final decision as she could just be a person who doesn't come out good in photo's but you won't know unless you meet her. But the problem is she's in another country and if you go over there and say no they might get offended and upset so I don't know, maybe it's best if you just pull out before things get really messy. I know someone who wanted to pull out of it and they made excuse that they done istikhara and got negative feeling after and bad dream and they're not gonna go ahead with the marriage. Maybe you can do that? :hmm:

no i got about 7 ppictures of her she looks different on the first picture they showed me it was ok but the new pictures they are not to be honest she looks like a man and when i talk to her on the phone she talks like a mature women she knows allot of things and she says she is very clever and she says she is very very beautiful,said this to me before i got her new pictures and i am know thinking about leaving this world bcoz this is the only way or just make some money and run away some were no 1 can find me but i dont have money the only way is death but i am scared not to die but after what happens

 

[Salahudeen]

wsalam sister my cousin called me few hours ago to come to there home and show me the pictures as i said they are different and he said she looks different bcoz time has past and people look different when time goes by and he said your not the beautiful and ur asking for a beautiful wife i said its not the beauty its just when u feel the love when u see some 1 i dont know how to explain it but when u see some 1 u feel it she is the one or ur atracted to her something like that another thing i noticed is she looks old to me is well 30+ and iam going to be 29 soon and she says she is 19 wot she is my uncles daughter maybe they are trying to connect us well i am from afghanistan and a pathan we just do it this way for generations and if i dont get married no one will talk to me and hate me everything thing will be bad and i live with my parents they will kick me out just imagine what else would happen i know thats why i dont want to regret it later i know i wont be happy with her so if i say no hell will break my father is a very angry and abusive father



no i got about 7 ppictures of her she looks different on the first picture they showed me it was ok but the new pictures they are not to be honest she looks like a man and when i talk to her on the phone she talks like a mature women she knows allot of things and she says she is very clever and she says she is very very beautiful,said this to me before i got her new pictures and i am know thinking about leaving this world bcoz this is the only way or just make some money and run away some were no 1 can find me but i dont have money the only way is death but i am scared not to die but after what happens

If worst comes to worst and you get kicked out, then you enquire about local shelters/hostels that have beds available for the night, you go and stay there, and then you find a place to rent and put in an application for housing benefit at the job centre so the government pays your rent for you, also at the job centre put in a claim for Job seekers allowance. This is what you do if they kick you out, whatever you do don't think about death. This is last resort if they kick you out. You can find a list of local shelters/hostels in your area on-line probably.

But I don't know how to advise you, why not say you done istikhara and it came out negative?

 

[anonymous]

If worst comes to worst and you get kicked out, then you enquire about local shelters/hostels that have beds available for the night, you go and stay there, and then you find a place to rent and put in an application for housing benefit at the job centre so the government pays your rent for you, also at the job centre put in a claim for Job seekers allowance. This is what you do if they kick you out, whatever you do don't think about death. This is last resort if they kick you out. You can find a list of local shelters/hostels in your area on-line probably.

But I don't know how to advise you, why not say you done istikhara and it came out negative?

inshAllah i will do istikhara for real and then tell them i never done it before and i dont know how to do istikhara and how it works i heard about it but never done it and if i back out and tell them i done istikhara and it came out negative then everything will be over i wont have no one no friends i dont have any friends anyway but relatives every 1 else