Marriage troubles

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Aishath

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Assalaamu Alaikum

I need your help please In Shaa Allah. I have been married for just over a year now and I can safely say that we have had huge fights every single month.

At the beginning of the marriage, I was awful. I had a bad temper. I would always argue with my husband and if someone else did something to me, I would end up venting out that anger on my husband. I wad really awful. We ended up gettimg divorced once and got back together again. Since then we have also seperated twice (we didn't get divorced but both of us moved out and lived separately for a few days while we tried to figure out what to do).

I'm not making excuses for the way I behaved. Even worse, I made the mistake of telling my family about some of our issues etc. But now I'm really struggling. I'm trying to change my whole self. I'm trying to be more relaxed and not so high-strung. My husband is going through some rough times in his personal life as well with his job so I'm trying to be supportive of all that.

But I think it's too late now. My husband tells me that he hasn't gotten over the way i behaved in the past. It crops up often. I find myself crying often and thinking that if i had more strength i would walk away. I made mistakes but i feel like I'm always having to pay for it. The smallest things can trigger this.

On the other hand, he is a good man. He prays, tries to keep good company etc. I feel like such men are also rare. I'm so confused. We don't have any children yet. He often tells me that I've broken him. That he has no motivation or anything anymore. I feel responsible but I'm trying.

Please advise me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i have no respect for myself even and I'm nothing. He tells me that this is how I treated him too and it goes around in a circle. The other day we went out for a walk etc and then I couldn't decide where to go for lunch. I didn't realise this was stitch an issue because i did decide in the end but that he told me he was so annoyed about it. I'm constantly walking on egg shells. I see dreams where we split up. Please just advice me.
 
Assalaamu alaikum Aishath,

Mmm… I have looked through your previous posts… my dear, I think that you have some rather deep issues you need to deal with. Your feelings of fear of marriage (this is how I'm interpreting what I read), of self-hatred, of self-blame… lead me to believe that you have not been able to heal from a trauma. I'm not sure about your husband's role in your marital problems, but if he feels that he is 100% clear of all blame and that you are 100% guilty… this does not sound healthy to me.

Asking for advice from family members is not a bad thing… unless these family members have been involved in harming you in the past.

Indeed, my dear, I would strongly suggest that you seek more help, not less. From what I have read, you are living in the UK. You should be able to find a therapist who can help you deal with the root of what is hurting you.

I don't know what will happen to your marriage, my dear. But I do know that you cannot have a healthy relationship with another person, until you can have a healthy relationship with yourself. (gently) You need to heal, my dear. Yes, Allah can Strengthen and Guide you… but you need to take steps yourself, too. (smile) It's part of the deal in this life: we have to make choices and undertake actions.

You are not so awful, my dear. Allah Created you: there is beauty in you. And we all sin, my dear. Only those lost in arrogance believe themselves pure. (smile) Please love yourself enough to find a really kindly and knowledgeable therapist (try several out, and find who you feel comfortable with. Therapists are fallible humans, too, you know). And try to find a support group for your particular form of trauma. It's really helpful to discover that you are far from alone in your feelings and struggles. And hearing how others find ways to heal, can give you ideas that could help you.

Hugs to you, my dear.

May Allah, the Source of Peace and Safety, Protect and Strengthen all those whose wounds need cleansing and healing.
 
Aishath said:
Assalaamu Alaikum


I need your help please In Shaa Allah. I have been married for just over a year now and I can safely say that we have had huge fights every single month.


At the beginning of the marriage, I was awful. I had a bad temper. I would always argue with my husband and if someone else did something to me, I would end up venting out that anger on my husband. I wad really awful. We ended up gettimg divorced once and got back together again. Since then we have also seperated twice (we didn't get divorced but both of us moved out and lived separately for a few days while we tried to figure out what to do).
Click to expand...


There is no excuse for being rude. You have been married for only a year and he has already given you one divorce? No excuse for that either, shows that you both have bad tempers.


Aishath said:
On the other hand, he is a good man. He prays, tries to keep good company etc. I feel like such men are also rare. I'm so confused. We don't have any children yet. He often tells me that I've broken him. That he has no motivation or anything anymore. I feel responsible but I'm trying.
Click to expand...


In your situation, it's pretty much clear that it is you who should be blamed, but how can you say that he is a good man, if he is blaming you again and again for the things that went wrong? You're trying to make your relationship work yet he insists on reminding you that your shortcomings in past have broken him.


Ask him does he not need ALLAH's forgiveness and mercy all the time? Is he always right in his relationship with ALLAH? Remind him that similarly you need his(your husband's) forgiveness too, likewise ask him will he always remain right once Al-Tawwab accepts his repentance? And yes i expect you to be humble when you ask him these questions. You claim that you have forgiven him, stop using every opportunity to bring it up and you should tell him that too.


Aishath said:
But I think it's too late now. My husband tells me that he hasn't gotten over the way i behaved in the past. It crops up often.
Click to expand...


You won't get anything in expressing your disappointment about what "could have been". Let go of your negativity, start a new chapter and certainly nobody expects you to be perfect either from this point.


Aishath said:
I find myself crying often and thinking that if i had more strength i would walk away.
Click to expand...


The fact that you're asking advice makes an impression that you don't want to walk away, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, burn your script.


Aishath said:
The smallest things can trigger this.
Click to expand...


He is to be blamed if he is getting annoyed over small things. You need to tell him that you expect him to atleast forget your past mistakes, if not fogive. You also need to understand that when you demand forgiveness, it is not like you wave a magic wand and all will be forgiven, forgivness comes easier with the passing of time, and forgivness in relationship can only happen when reconciliation is possible. You went for a walk the other day, i consider it a good start.


Keep in mind you don't want to be over emotional, and you shouldn't ask for his forgivness every single time, neither anyone expect you to put your head on his feet. You want to repair your relationship, you should put in a certain amount of effort.

As i aforementioned, reconciliation would only be possible if he wants to make this relationship work. How do you expect a good relationship when he is torturing you over the things that you did in the past, even though he knows that you're ashamed of them? Just have a relationship talk, this time keep your relatives aside and adapt(that is to changing your behaviour for good and not getting dissappointed if sometimes things don't work out).



Aishath said:
We don't have children yet.
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You don't have children because you haven't tried to conceive, or just because you don't have children yet? Trying to conceive is a emotional process, and can be quickly followed by both successes and disappointments and yes their presence deeply affect husband wife relationship. Notwithstanding, you want a husband that loves you and your children rather a husband that is with you for the sake of his children.

I got married to a 16 year old beauty when i was 14. Nope, it's not a young age, don't simply presuppose the truth of the currently fashionable moral ideology (human, secularism and feminism) without understanding its defects. Women are more unhappy, more unhealthy, more abused and negelcted following the loss of historical values. Anyway, i realize there is more to marriage than just physical intimacy when i first saw her(she is 22 and third-year medical student now) holding my child against her chest!!
Yes, the mere presence of a child strengthens your marriage.
 
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assalamu alaykum wr wb
Dear sister,
It would be better for your husband to take responsibility for his side of the disagreements then to blame you. I think this is red flag of an unhealthy relationship. You would do well to research healthy relationships and empower yourself with the knowledge that you do not have to live in one. I suggest getting a therapist if that avenue suits you and you can afford it. But if not, there are plenty of resources online which are free.
I feel for you sister and I will make du'a for you. Nobody deserves to feel like you do in the first year of marriage....
May Allah bless you and send you happiness and contentment. Ameen
Lisa
 
PS. Congratulations on having the courage to speak up and ask someone for help. Keep doing it and don't be afraid to take help that is offered.
your friend
lisa
 
Aishath said:
Assalaamu Alaikum

I need your help please In Shaa Allah. I have been married for just over a year now and I can safely say that we have had huge fights every single month.

At the beginning of the marriage, I was awful. I had a bad temper. I would always argue with my husband and if someone else did something to me, I would end up venting out that anger on my husband. I wad really awful. We ended up gettimg divorced once and got back together again. Since then we have also seperated twice (we didn't get divorced but both of us moved out and lived separately for a few days while we tried to figure out what to do).

I'm not making excuses for the way I behaved. Even worse, I made the mistake of telling my family about some of our issues etc. But now I'm really struggling. I'm trying to change my whole self. I'm trying to be more relaxed and not so high-strung. My husband is going through some rough times in his personal life as well with his job so I'm trying to be supportive of all that.

But I think it's too late now. My husband tells me that he hasn't gotten over the way i behaved in the past. It crops up often. I find myself crying often and thinking that if i had more strength i would walk away. I made mistakes but i feel like I'm always having to pay for it. The smallest things can trigger this.

On the other hand, he is a good man. He prays, tries to keep good company etc. I feel like such men are also rare. I'm so confused. We don't have any children yet. He often tells me that I've broken him. That he has no motivation or anything anymore. I feel responsible but I'm trying.

Please advise me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i have no respect for myself even and I'm nothing. He tells me that this is how I treated him too and it goes around in a circle. The other day we went out for a walk etc and then I couldn't decide where to go for lunch. I didn't realise this was stitch an issue because i did decide in the end but that he told me he was so annoyed about it. I'm constantly walking on egg shells. I see dreams where we split up. Please just advice me.
Click to expand...

Asalaamu Alaikum sister, Have you tried getting Marriage counselling to help the both of you to reconcile any under lying issues?
 
Assalam Alaikum!
I don't have any specific advice for you but I pray that Allah safeguard your home. Ameen!
 
My husband had left me. I was awful towards the end. Made him feel insecure that he didnt earn as much as me. I feel so guilty. There are other reasons too. What do i do
 
Aishath said:
My husband had left me. I was awful towards the end. Made him feel insecure that he didnt earn as much as me. I feel so guilty. There are other reasons too. What do i do
Click to expand...
:salamext:

Think about what your love for him was based on and try to rekindle that love. Make du'aa to Allaah with Darood Shareef before and after the du'aa and pour your heart out to Him :ia:
 
Aoa dear sister,im feeling bad on hearing all the pain and confusion you are going through in your martial life.Firstly I will advice you to be more at peace and quiet so you can better make valid decision.Never come from a place of Blame guilt and self hatred ......you are not the only person in marriage it takes Two to Tango:)Anyway serious Note please consult Allah make Dua so your intuition might help you in what's right.One thing previous mistakes which led to separation should not be brought up again if there's reconciliation.consult some wise pious kind scholars who might help you best wishes and Dua may Allah bless you with peace happiness and martial bliss Aameen.
 

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