:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)
First and foremost, that's poetic and a beautifully worded honest reflection and reminiscent of the echoes in my own heart when I was an atheist. I like what you've written here very much
Masha-Allah (as God willed). And it's eerily uncanny how you seem to just *get* it; yes, I used to envy the believers as well when I was an atheist; it's not that I wanted to be like the believers particularly, because the truth is that I didn't. However, yes, there was an underlying envy of something that I felt they had but which I knew I didn't. That said, no one can compel his/her heart to believe or disbelieve when the belief/disbelief is not there.
For the record though, I hope you don't see yourself *permanently* as a disbeliever. One of the things that in life both excites and scares me is the ability of the world around us - landscapes, trees, people - to change and likewise our own ability to change, to heal, to grow. I think part of growing into ourselves at any age is accepting that whoever we think we are is not permanent and is subject to the processes of life in which we all find ourselves as both spectators and actors. Nothing is *the end* until the final curtains have been drawn, and till then, it's still anyone's guess what will happen and we should be open to change both within ourselves and outside of ourselves because we're not permanently anything. Since as human beings we're not static, our beliefs are not static either.
So, keep an open mind and keep moving forward; and yes, I also agree with Born_Believer about liking the last line that you'd written about the difference between natural religion and revealed religion some pages ago; that said, I have a slightly different interpretation on that side of things. Submission to Being/Source or whatever you want to call in whatever form is the natural religion and that submission as I understand it is identified in Arabic as Islam which calls submission to that natural religion and has existed as long as man but in practical terms is also a revealed religion as means of guidance for persons so that they do not have to rely solely on the natural religion to guide them because our day-to-day living involves myriad functions and a great majority of those functions cannot be understood with reliance alone on natural religion.
Perhaps it might be strange to say but I've said it before when I was conversing with czgibson on PMs and will say the same to you, which is that I find myself as both a disbeliever and a believer, and you might see that as a very strange thing to say. However, in not having attained the perfection of submission which is required of
deen (religion/way of life), in spiritual terms I recognize in myself the shortcoming of a disbeliever and disbelief. And in the sense that you may have some characteristics or views or things you've in yourself which you may not even realize but are the hallmarks of a believer and also have the primordial ingredients of a believer which is the natural religion, I see you also as a believer. So, though outwardly, the mirror reflects you as a disbeliever and myself as a believer, inwardly we both have an element of each as a human being as I understand it, and so I am both and you are both.
Life is a journey, and we're both going to be changing, and if we're wise we'll both meditate on how we can do so for the better.
All the best,