My parents against me marrying

[AnonymousPoster]

I feel so frustrat3ed and confused. When I read upon Islam, I see that Islam encourages us to get married young. Than I look into my parents thinking and its so different. I have recently tried to tell my mother that I am interested to get married. She began to freak out, and started reminding me that I have just turned 16. Just because I am 16 doesn't mean that I am blind/deaf and my brain is dead. Another shocker is the fact that the guy I want to marry is not an afghani, which shatters my parents universe. Hes of Somali origin, Ive known him ever since I was 10. He's an amazing Muslim, is very righteous, never misses his prayers (He's very handsome mashallah). And we love each other. I know that he's only 18 and not wealthy, but thats ok with me. He's a good student so he will make money from his profession when he graduates enshaALlah. I know that my parents think that I dont know what love is, but I honestly do. We went to the same schools, our families know each other. Not closely, just as muslims in one community. I have heard my parents speak in their bedroom, "she doesnt know what shes doing, shes bringing shame upon herself, wasting her beauty, her heritage, there are many afghan men who would die to marry her". I was so terrified to hear that. What am I? Am I not a Muslimah, who was given the intellect, the heart, the right to choose her own husband? Why can't they come together for me and give me the same beautiful wedding my sis got (except she married an afghan). Duas pls. and some advice.

[Mikayeel]

Thread approved

Am sorry to read about this. First of all make dua to Allah so he can make this situation easy for u.

16 Years is indeed young, nd people do make mistakes nd rush into things. Am not saying to you will but thats the general mood these days, that might be the reason why your parents are so worried about it. You could change their view by being mature (which by the looks of it you are hamdulilah) and showing them that you really intend to get married, and that you are fully capable of taking the responsibility! Show the quran and authentic hadith that marriage is adviced at a young age. Do this at a slow pace, do not expect their views to change overnight.

Its really sad to see the cultural barrier being an issue here U must make ur parents understand that everyone in the eyes of Allah is the same. No matter wher they are from! Black, yellow white or yellow all the same.... He did not have an option of being what he is, so he should not be judged upon that! U must make that point to ur parents in a well mannered way. U must understand that they really care about u, and they want the best for u! They clearly think that marrying a person from ur own cultural will be the best thing for both of u. One must remember tho that we are muslims first, then what ever u classify ur self as second. So inshAllah u will get through this problem with ease!

I know how it feels, I have been through it my self

At the end of the day remember Allah knows whats best for u, and he plans the best for u!

[Ashjan95]

HEY sis no worries all u need to do is make duaa and pray hun and pluse
no1 can change wat will happen it is all written down and allah knows wat will happen but try to give ur mum and dad good advice for marrying hu u want

Hope u get it all done they way u want it.....

[Zahida]

Listen to the advice of bro Mikayeel ...... My daughter turns 16 in two years and if she told me she wants to get married at that age i would have cats, kittens, rabbitts!!!!!!!!!!!! Baby life is one big test .. why do you want to rush things?? Gain knowledge and strength and take things slow. I admire your commitment to this guy, and if Allah wills it to be this way it will, i guess what i am trying to say is take your time there is no rush and if he truley loves you like you say you love him he will join forces with you and work with you for your parents consent............ blah blah blah. Sorry. I honestly genuinely am getting wound up about this i am a teacher of girls aged 11-18 and i see this everyday, I see girls making decisions rashly because it is some kind of escapism for them, i see all sorts and it scares me .............

[SixTen]

Hmm, I will not disadvice marriage at a young age, because Islam does encourage it, so your intentions cannot be made to be wrong.

However, please do consider your parents in your decision, and by all means, do not become "against" your parents, do not create that hostility between you and them. You have got your intentions out, and they will want whats best for you. So over time, who knows, maybe they may come around.

The sister above, also provided some important advice. Sometimes you may think you know somthing that you don't. Your parents may just see it as just that - and they are probably wiser than you. So do be understanding and open minded to why they against the idea. It wouldn't be to "ruin" your life.

[ayan333]

well sis...im 17 n i have sure as heck dont have guts to talk to my Parents about marriage..i cant even mention it!

but anywho..im Somalian..n its all the same..when their children try to marry outside the Somali culture they freak but now its becomming the norm

16 is young but if you feel readyand are sure that you'' have no regrets later InshALLAH then it shouldnt be a problem sis

were do u live if you dnt mind me asking

[Zahida]

Thankyou sixten for backing me up. I am sorry but like i said i see this thing everyday and it is upsetting and both scary for me.............. In some situations it becomes frustrating when i see young girls with so much potential and their whole life ahead of them (Allah willing) to make wrong choices/decisions and this is because they have not been educated about such matters in an Islamic way. I am currently in discussion with our school head for maybe counselling/advice for Muslim girls ............... any advice ideas am open to suggestions please. Thankyou.

[S_87]

sis if u really like him and are sure about this then may Allah make it easy for you.

Think like your parents for a second. They probably think you are going through a phase and dont know what youre doing and thats their right. They are thinking like parents.
Theyll worry about if he can support you, which like you said, after he graduates inshaAllah but what about in between? they are your parents and are probably thinking about what they think is best for you, even if you dont think it is.
InshaAllah they will come round though!

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Firstly Sister, may Allaah make it easy for you and reward you very much for expressing the desire to have a halal relationship through marriage. May He bestow upon you patience towards achieving your goal.

I feel so frustrat3ed and confused. When I read upon Islam, I see that Islam encourages us to get married young.

You are definitely correct. The Prophet (saw) encouraged us to marry young, and he put with it a condition saying in the hadeeth: "Whoever among you can marry, should marry.." Sometimes, we overlook the first portion of this hadeeth and focus upon the part where it says "should marry". This is a mistake because there is a difference between 'should marry' and 'can marry'; marriage comes with a lot of responsibility and not everyone that reads the hadeeth is at the level of 'can marry'. Especially with sisters, they have to be able to deal with a lot from us brothers. Being able to marry means being, physically, mentally, emotionally, religiously mature. I am positive you feel you are ready in all these areas, but give it a year and you'll look back and realize that you've grown where you thought you couldn't.

I have recently tried to tell my mother that I am interested to get married.

Trust me, your mother's reaction is normal. Look at it from her perspective. She's been raising you for the past 16 years, and all of a sudden you're expressing a desire (which you can't be blamed for of course) to leave her and live with a man. From her perspective that's scary because in her eyes, you're still that baby that needed her for everything. This isn't specific to you, this is the case with most mothers. No matter how old their children get, they will always see us as we were when we were 5, i.e. with the same love, concern, and care.

You need to have a method of approach in these things. You need to show them that you are mature, things that will show them that you are ready for family life. It can be little things such as, washing the dishes, laundry, cleaning the house, being financially responsible, waking up for Fajr without being told to, taking care of others, etc. You need to show them that you can deal with married life and its demands. Once you've been doing these things for a while and they've noticed it, you can subtly drop in hints that you want to get married. You know your parents best, so you know what they respond to positively and what they don't, so be smart in the way you bring this subject up.

Just because I am 16 doesn't mean that I am blind/deaf and my brain is dead.

Your right. And at the same time, you need to understand that what you are going through is a phase. Take this advice from someone that's been there and remembers exactly what it feels like to be going through what you're going through. I'm positive you're serious about marrying this brother, but there are things that you might not be aware of. There might be small habits this brother has that you might not be able to deal with 6 months into the marriage. You don't know how the brother really is and you can't know that until you're actually married to him and living with him everyday. Believe me, there is a phase of being 'in love', where everything looks rosy and sweet, but marriage is not a bed of roses. It's tough, it's demanding and it needs patience, maturity and understanding.

When I was your age I too wanted to just get married and whatever comes after that, I'll take care of it. It was a rosy and romantic scenario. Why? Because 1) I thought I was in love with this sister, 2) I thought everything would work out. 3) I was ignoring many of the things that come with marriage. I was probably prepared on the physical level, but mental, emotional, level most teenagers are not prepared. Looking back at myself now, I know for sure that I definitely wasn't prepared at that time. A lot of people feel the same exact way. There's growth and what I wanted in a wife back then has changed to what I want in a wife now. Most people go through this growth.

Another shocker is the fact that the guy I want to marry is not an afghani, which shatters my parents universe.

That's to be expected. When a child marries, the parents themselves are looking to get something out of the marriage. The Mother looks for an extension of her social network, i.e. she wants the marriage to make her connect with more women. The Father looks for social standing. He wants to make sure that people don't say anything derogatory about him, his family and his child. So you need to think in this perspective. What are my parents going to get out of this marriage? And you need to bring out what pertains to them.

When you want to marry out of your culture, many parents have different concerns than their children. What they're seeing here is along the lines of: 'What will happen to the children?'. 'What if the grandchildren won't be able to communicate with our family?'. 'What if there is a culture clash between our families?', 'How will our families interact?' and more. They are very valid concerns which need to be sorted out before these marriages can take place. You should also keep in mind that your culture very much defines you. You don't see it now, but when you grow older you'll notice that you're more like your parents than you can see at this time, and those little cultural habits that you're soo used to now, which you overlook, these will turn into significant issues later, a year or two into marriage when you're over the "in love" phase.

Secondly, the way you talk to your parents very much matters. Your mother needs to be spoken to in an emotional way. Women respond more to 'emotional' language. I feel vs I think. So when you speak to your mother, appeal to her emotions. Try to make her understand what you are going through. The father on the other hand needs to be spoken to rationally. Men are emotionally-challenged, so telling your father that you're in love is making the worst-possible case to him and its like giving him complete reason to think that you're immature. Appeal to his rationale; show him rationally the benefits of this marriage. Men's brains are tuned to information, and if they perceive a lack of information in a conversation, their brains doze off. So when speaking to him, bring out facts and things that would make him think that you're marriage to this brother is a smart decision. So communicate with each of your parents in a way that would appeal to them.

And we love each other.

You need to make sure that this 'love' is not blinding you to other aspects of marriage. When people love someone, they naturally have this feeling that this person is close to perfect and potential issues get overshadowed and in the background. He gets angry easily? It's ok, I love him and he loves me, so we'll sort that out after marriage, after all, how hard can it be when we love each other? I wished that it worked that way, but it doesn't. This phase that you're experiencing right now, it may be love, but the point is, actual, real love only comes after marriage. When you've lived with this person and you know each other very much and you take the good side of the person along with not-so-good side. That's when you truly love this person.

Marriage is not easy. You're going to be living and sharing EVERY aspect of your life with this person and vice versa and you need to make sure that you can do that.

I know that he's only 18 and not wealthy, but thats ok with me. He's a good student so he will make money from his profession when he graduates enshaALlah.

See this is exactly what I was alluding to above. You love him, so financial standing is getting thrown into the background. The male needs to be able to provide for the wife, it's one of the things that is crucial for him to establish his Qawama.

Believe me when I tell you that you are subconsciously throwing other things in the background as well.

What am I? Am I not a Muslimah, who was given the intellect, the heart, the right to choose her own husband?

You definetly have the right to choose who you want to marry. However, Islaam does not give you the right to marry without your Wali's permission, who at the moment is your father. Trust me, you do not want to marry a person based on an emotion at the expense of your family. Your family is your support. Your father is your spokesperson and your lawyer per say. He is the one that will back you and your needs up in front of your in-laws. He's your pillar of support. Don't marry without his permission because if you do, and two years down the line your marriage ends in divorce, who will you go back to?

Sister, there are A LOT of things to consider before marriage. It is very unwise to simply marry based off of an emotion. Decisions about marriage need to be made emotionally and rationally. A lot of brothers and sisters are going through what you are going through, and even if what I've written sounds like I don't agree with marrying young, I really do. In fact, I honestly believe marrying young is very beneficial, especially in this society and very good for halal companionship. And at the same time, you cannot turn a blind eye to the reality of marriage and what exactly spending your nights and days with another human being entails. I've come to this understanding of seeing people that are awesome, pious and educated getting married young and ending in divorce some time down the line. Why? Because they didn't do all their homework before getting married. Likewise, with intercultural marriages. I've seen them and I've seen a lot of them (not all, Alhamdullilah) end in divorce because the two spouses weren't able to cope with cultural differences because they lacked the maturity.

These are life-changing decisions, and they need to be made after a lot of thought, research, understanding, mutual consultation (especially with parents and family), rationally, and yes, emotionally as well. It all goes together.

I hope that Allaah makes it easy for you, and for all the other youth who are experiencing the same as you. I hope He grants us patience and understanding to make the correct decision and that He guides us in all our affairs to that which is of benefit to us here in this life and in Hereafter. Ameen.

[AnonymousPoster]

dang your mom is coooooooooote,

May Allaah mek things easy fo yah,

Ciao =)

[BlissfullyJaded]

I guess your parents are reacting more to him being Somali, than to your being just 16? Or they're assuming that you're making a rash decision just because you're 16.

Don't feel angered with them sis, cuz they do care about you. Unfortunately, we do run with our emotions as teens and feel we totally know what is good for us and that our parents are just meant to give in. But they do have more wisdom than us...and we realize that later on after the fact. Their logic may not sound right, and it may not be a good enough reason to reject a dude just because there are Afghan guys out there who would die to marry you. But sometimes, we think something is good for us, and Allah knows its bad for us. This brother does sound wonderful mashaAllah, but perhaps there is better out there for you? I understand that you've known the brother for a while, but still there are things which will be hidden from you.

Make istikhara about it...and ask Allah for sincere guidance in making the correct choice. Only He knows what is in the hearts of men... If it all still feels 100% positive, then go for it, but maybe make a compromise and try to go for a somewhat long engagement and maybe that way both families can get closer and learn more about each other and when the nikaah time comes around your parents hearts will be more at ease.

[transition?]

Listen to the advice of bro Mikayeel ...... My daughter turns 16 in two years and if she told me she wants to get married at that age i would have cats, kittens, rabbitts!!!!!!!!!!!! Baby life is one big test .. why do you want to rush things?? Gain knowledge and strength and take things slow. I admire your commitment to this guy, and if Allah wills it to be this way it will, i guess what i am trying to say is take your time there is no rush and if he truley loves you like you say you love him he will join forces with you and work with you for your parents consent............ blah blah blah. Sorry. I honestly genuinely am getting wound up about this i am a teacher of girls aged 11-18 and i see this everyday, I see girls making decisions rashly because it is some kind of escapism for them, i see all sorts and it scares me .............

I agree about the escapism. Everyone would like to get married, but we have to be strong ourselves first, before depending on a person to solve our problems of temptations. Even when you're married, the temptations are still there. There are still *****ish looking women and braggart men showing off.
Marriage does not solve all your or society's problems. Everyone has their individual tests no matter what in life.

I don't know if this pertains to you though sister. I am just elaborating on the point. InshaAllah, you will eventually work out the situation with your parents or devise a plan to convince them. Allah (swt) gives us tests so we may succeed and grow in faith. He give us Problems so we may find new Wisdom. =)

[Intisar]

Firstly I'd like to say ameen to bro Abu Sayyad's dua. I was in the same situation earlier this year. Met a brother through a friend who was interested in me, so I had a few meetings with my mahram present and he seemed like a really good person, had high goals (he's a pre-med student mashaaAllaah studying at one of the top universities in Canada), he was handsome, sweet, and had very good respect for women.

So I prayed istikhara, asked Allaah to guide me and to make matters easy on me, mind you I was only 17 at that time, about to turn 18. Sooo anywho's, my father met with his father, got all dressed up for a nice dinner and all he told me that the brother seemed very suitable for me. So now we got down to business, talking about when were to get married, how much he'd pay for the mahr, etc.

Most Somalis will completely understand where I'm coming from when I say this! Tribe is a big issue in our country unfortunately! It's one of our downfalls and for some, marrying out of your tribe can lead to dishonour subhanAllaah.

Basically the brother was from a different tribe than I was and my Dad had no problem with that he just knew that the brother's parents would. So basically, his mother insulted me infront of my face and used a very derogatory Somali word because of my tribe. It was devastating wallaahi, just when I thought everything was going swell. So I told my Dad and he advised me to stay away from them and that if marriage comes to you, then it will because it's Qadrullah.

I talked to the brother with my mahram present just kind of telling him what his mom said and he told me that he wasn't really surprised because it's already a problem within his family. I was very very shocked subhanAllaah, I was wondering why he didn't tell me this beforehand?

Besides that, I was really starting to get confused about his character, but I made du'a and asked Allaah to guide me to the right path and the right choice (whether I should go through with the nikah or not) and let's just say alhamdulilah that I didn't!

I know many young couples who get married in their teenage years but I'm so glad that Allaah didn't make it my qadr to marry him. Basically, his character was a bit sketchy and he did something so terrible to me that I will never in my life ever forget. Lakiin 3afis inshaaAllaah, I'm not holding a grudge.

Marriage can either be a burden for some, or a blessing for others it depends on your compatibility. It's a give and take, you must make certain sacrifices for your husband and vice versa. Just know that your life will never be the same when you get married (inshaAllaah if that happens!), salvage what you have left of your single life if you're really serious about it sis.

And may Allaah make matters easy on you.

PS: I'd also suggest doing a little background check, meeting up with his family, getting to know his family!

Somali families are very hard to please, I'll tell you that much.

[nocturnal]

you're contemplating marriage at 16? look, focus on a career, let him do the same, give yourselves time, and don't do anything haraam. And when sufficent time elapses, you'll know when to broach the issue with your folks.

Yes Islam prescribes getting married at an early age, but this conclusion should be reached after taking into consideration many factors, not just the teenage whimsical disneyland concept of "i love him, he loves me and we plan to live happily ever after".

[nocturnal]

Abu Sayyad, while i agree with a fair amount of the counsel you're giving her, i think you're being a bit too idealistic. Trying to conflate Islamic values and rationale as per today's standards just simply cannot be done.

The only middle ground here is retain ties, focus on what you want to do, whether it's work, study, soul searching etc. Do it, within the parameters of Islam of course, and remember that this is 2008, and statistics don't lie. Divorce rates are soaring higher than the Burj el Arab, don't get caught up in the romanticism of falling in love with someone from another backkground, albeit Islamic, when you know that invariably your folks are going to flip the switch and you'll witness a parental volcanic explosion like never before. Take it from me.

Where do you think he's going to be then? standing by you when you're being reprimanded all the way to the gates of hell? (like McCain says).

[Zahida]

JazakAllah for your comments maybe we all need to work together as Muslim brothers and sistersand educate our youngsters............

I agree about the escapism. Everyone would like to get married, but we have to be strong ourselves first, before depending on a person to solve our problems of temptations. Even when you're married, the temptations are still there. There are still *****ish looking women and braggart men showing off.
Marriage does not solve all your or society's problems. Everyone has their individual tests no matter what in life.

I don't know if this pertains to you though sister. I am just elaborating on the point. InshaAllah, you will eventually work out the situation with your parents or devise a plan to convince them. Allah (swt) gives us tests so we may succeed and grow in faith. He give us Problems so we may find new Wisdom. =)

[ayan333]

Somali families are very hard to please, I'll tell you that much.

i understand sis...but im so lost when it comes to tribes..my Mother always tol dus that when some one asks us what tribe we're form jus simply say we ara Muslim and leave it at that...

ive never been asked and InshALLAH itll stay that way

i belive you that its hard to please Somali families although ive never seen it..or i have im jus to blind to notice

let me say..you a strong girl...to face your parents about marriage..couldnt be me..im 17 now,n like i said before i couldnt eveeeer mention the m word to them..SubhanALLAH

InshALLAH yall will all meet the man of your dreams.a righteous one ofcourse,and you'll all have righteous children who fear ALLAH (SWA)

[AnonymousPoster]

I appreciate all the responses. although I must admit that most of you are plain negative. The Muslim I intend to marry comes from a wonderful Family, hamdulilah. He has sisters whom I'm closesly friends with, I know a lot about his character not only through knowing him personally but also through the people that live with him. My brother and him are the same age (both 18) they get along fine and have always been like brothers.

I am not going to marry his family. I know that they will be part of my life, and I am looking forward to it. The family is very practising & openminded. They're not into tribes etc they are actually mixed with Yemeni. Although I know that most somalis are obsessed with tribes but this is hamdulilah not the case for this family. I have known them almost my entire life. It's just our parents that don't know each other so well, and in time they will enchallah.

Most Somalis will completely understand where I'm coming from when I say this! Tribe is a big issue in our country unfortunately! It's one of our downfalls and for some, marrying out of your tribe can lead to dishonour subhanAllaah.

Not for all somalis sis (Not his Family). The Family is married into several different tribes & even other races.

Somali families are very hard to please, I'll tell you that much.

I think you are generalizing. I could say the exact same thing about Afgani Families. And so could a Pakistani, indian etc. What differenciates people is their level in deen, personality, their outlook in life etc. Not everyone is the same, thank god for that.

'What if the grandchildren won't be able to communicate with our family?'. 'What if there is a culture clash between our families?', 'How will our families interact?' and more.

If we all worried about that no one would have ever married into another Race different to ours. We are Muslims we'll find a way enchaallah. Our parents both speak fluent english by the way.

. Believe me, there is a phase of being 'in love', where everything looks rosy and sweet, but marriage is not a bed of roses. It's tough, it's demanding and it needs patience, maturity and understanding.

enchaAllah we will make sure that we keep our fire burning. Love is not temporary, if its true it will last forever. I see how my auntie & uncle are towards each other, they look so in love and happy even after 17 years of marriage.

Marriage does not solve all your or society's problems. Everyone has their individual tests no matter what in life.

I am fully aware of that fact and totally agree with you. I am not running away from a life filled with sorrow and want some man to save me from it. I know exactly what I am doing, I come from a very happy household and my relationship with my parents is close & very healthy. I can go to them and tell them anything. They have raised us to be that openminded and to never fear them but Allah.

However, Islaam does not give you the right to marry without your Wali's permission, who at the moment is your father.

I have no intention to do that nor does he. We want to do things the halal way and want the support of both our parents.

Believe me, there is a phase of being 'in love', where everything looks rosy and sweet

I have always loved him for Allahs sake.

let me say..you a strong girl...to face your parents about marriage..couldnt be me..im 17 now,n like i said before i couldnt eveeeer mention the m word to them..SubhanALLAH

I didnt go upto my mom and say "I want to get married mom", I gave her some obvious hints and asked her what she thought. I am close to my mom, I can tell her anything. thanks.

ou should also keep in mind that your culture very much defines you. You don't see it now, but when you grow older you'll notice that you're more like your parents than you can see at this time, and those little cultural habits that you're soo used to now, which you overlook, these will turn into significant issues later, a year or two into marriage when you're over the "in love" phase.

Subhanllah, you seem very negative akhi. I will always be an Afghan. Nothing is going to change that. I love my people and I will never forget where it is that I came from. But my heart has no bounds, and we intend to be in the "in love phase" forever enchallah.

[Sanobar]

mashaAllah sister u seem very mature for your age... after all the advices and critisism .....,u answered well lol.. all i wud say is if u think its the right age ... and u knw it deep down inside and if u're ready to go thru the rollercoster ride with the intentions that u wont crib later... then inshaAllah sister may Allah swt make it easy for u and may he make things smooth and easy ...

Trust me Ask ur self what u wanna do... u ask ppl and everyone will have their own point of view..and u will get mixed resposes...and u might get more confused...

[maryam87]

mm 16? im going to be skeptical bout this only cause ive seen it happen before n every girl i know who marries that young does end up regretting it not only because of the husbands but they end up having 3-4 kids by the early 20s and it becomes depressing for them. Alot of work and RESPONSIBILITIES. I dont honestly see the different culture an issue maybe cause lebanese parents are bit laid back on that so i suggest wait till ur a bit older before u make such a huge decision.