A righteous husband is the key to her Jannah ♥

[White Rose]

I agree with that. But as much I want to give benefit of doubt that it does not happen, cynic comes in and tells me higher uni education is associated with arrogance and an inflated sense of self. But yea, I do wish life was as you have stated it.

salam

You are right and I think its more prevalent when studying in western countries . I think its the mentality that stems in ones house. Rather the mentality should be seek knowledge to benefit people around.

 

[~Zaria~]

1. Your friend does not it know you are talking about her to other people. Some friend you are.
2. Like I said you are regular poster, so people already know where you reside and what specific field you work in.

1. If I were to tell her that I posted her story of this forum, she undoubtedly would not mind (which i plan to do in any case). As Ive mentioned, we have discussed this topic at length, and she too agreed that the situation should have been handled differently.
Fortunately, the type of people that I befriend are pretty cool in this regard.....we dont sweat the small things in life or take ourselves too seriously.

2. The population of my country is over 50 000 000.
My real name is not 'Zaria', nor does it even closely resemble it.
There are hundreds of people in my field of work and my friend is in a completely different occupation.
None of my contacts are on this forum.
Truly, it would take a private investigator to be able to determine my actual identity, and that of my friend.

So again - this story, for all intents and purposes has kept all identities anonymous.
There is no harm in this, esp. when it is used as a means of learning from the experience/ discussion, and there is no mockery/ belittling of the concerned individual (which has not occurred).

In fact, many respected moulanas/ imams also make use of their personal encounters/ stories from others, in order to teach others from its lessons.


I thank you for your concerns and warnings.

We should also understand the manner in which Islam teaches us when correcting others: in a kind and gentle manner, and preferably in private.
Calling others 'disgraceful', etc. is not a means of creating good discussion and teaching others.

I would prefer that this discussion proceed back on topic.

Shukran.

 

[جوري]

And it is perfectly normal for a man to look for a wife less educated than him. It actually fits in with what many scholars have said. Marry a woman who does not have a higher social status than you do. Prophet and Khadijha's example was an exception, there are no Khadijah's today, so dont use that wrongly used example.

I didn't want to partake in this thread as it doesn't interest me, but there are so many things categorically wrong with that statement including what you perceive or attribute to scholars! (obviously no one should apologize for their education) & Khaadija RA was a business woman before she accepted Islam and in the days of jahilya when men were manlier and the women relied more on their wiles and frankly if there are no Khadija (RA) around then there are also no, Umar (RA), Abu bakr (RA), Khalid, Al-motasim etc. either. & you're already approaching the institution with the wrong attitude- You're looking to tame an enemy rather than looking for a lifetime partner at least from what I see you write on various posts!
but it is a little known fact that alpha males seek out alpha females- it isn't something you even have to survey it is the rules of attraction or at least part of the package. No intellectual wants to come home to a ditz. Unless he was simply looking for a sex slave a 20 minute or at best four hour amorous rendez vous aren't a lifetime of partnership with whatever that entails. It is just probably fear that would drive a man to accept less than what he knows he's worth and the same for a woman of intellect. and knowing at least two family members who went for women with no education whatsoever that they were and one of them still has the most miserable marriage I have personally seen the other Allah swt found him a way out and he has no desire to marry again after what transpired!


Good luck akhi though, I wish you well with your choice....

 

[CosmicPathos]

I didn't want to partake in this thread as it doesn't interest me, but there are so many things categorically wrong with that statement including what you perceive or attribute to scholars! (obviously no one should apologize for their education) & Khaadija RA was a business woman before she accepted Islam and in the days of jahilya when men were manlier and the women relied more on their wiles and frankly if there are no Khadija (RA) around then there are also no, Umar (RA), Abu bakr (RA), Khalid, Al-motasim etc. either. & you're already approaching the institution with the wrong attitude- You're looking to tame an enemy rather than looking for a lifetime partner at least from what I see you write on various posts!
but it is a little known fact that alpha males seek out alpha females- it isn't something you even have to survey it is the rules of attraction or at least part of the package. No intellectual wants to come home to a ditz. Unless he was simply looking for a sex slave a 20 minute or at best four hour amorous rendez vous aren't a lifetime of partnership with whatever that entails. It is just probably fear that would drive a man to accept less than what he knows he's worth and the same for a woman of intellect. and knowing at least two family members who went for women with no education whatsoever that they were and one of them still has the most miserable marriage I have personally seen the other Allah swt found him a way out and he has no desire to marry again after what transpired!


Good luck akhi though, I wish you well with your choice....

You just need to pick up works of fiqh in regards to what have been suggested. You'd be surprised to find some scholars were racist by today's standard saying an arab woman should not marry an ajmi man. Humanly work and thinking has to be thought in the context of history.

As for the actual topic, is there even an alpha female? Where did I say that being less educated than husband means she must be an ignorant ditz from a village? What it simply means is "less educated." If you are a doctor, try to not marry a doctor. Canadian stats already show that divorce rates among physician couples are higher than population average which themselves are sky high.

You'll find exceptions everywhere, but exceptions are not the rule.

What do you mean by "lifetime partner", sis? Please dont use concepts which were foreign to Prophet's time. They took a MORE realistic approach to marriage, taking into account humanly behaviors, and hence they did not have much heart aches. They did not view marriage as this super-ceremonious thing you do once in a life. To them, marriage is an occassion of joy but something you just do and nothing "special" about it. Something that is just done with no out of ordinary expectations. To the point, they thought that lack of love is not a thing to divorce for. While today, it is thought if there is no love in marriage, they should not remain married. Yet at the same time, they had many divorces. Just look up how many wives Umar (ra) divorced. So the concept of "lifetime partner" flies out of the window sis.

I pray the same for you sis.

W salam

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Do you think it is okay to miss fard prayer? No? Why? Because it is obligatory! it is obligatory for a man to provide to his wife, end of. So we went from asking sisters to be less harsh towards brothers in terms of career etc to asking ( emotional blackmail) sisters to accept a jobless brother? In that case, her father has every right to reject a jobless potential.

Funny, how we are incredibly harsh towards sisters when it comes to stuff that are not agreed upon by scholars. But something that agreed upon, we make an exception like a man should have a job or means to provide.


Also, these parents are thinking of their daughters. You know that announcement we hear in almost most mosque about a helpless divorce woman with kids that need donation? Most parent don't their daughters to be that helpless woman.

she hasnt gone a single day hungry or without shelter.

they are living like travellers going towards their home.


ofcourse the father has a right to reject a jobless potential. did I make it sound in anyway in my post like im forcing every sister to be liek that?

When I said the words "How many sisters" - It was to signify the rarity of this beautiful couple.

In time they most likely will settle down, but they are newly weds and still finding their footing - and the fact taht they chose each other for ISLAM and nothing but truelly is something amazing.



I dont know why you got offended by my post, and dont even say you didnt. it wasnt attacking anyone

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

What is the father continues his stance despite the advice of sister/brother or islamic scholar ?
And Its not a hypothetical scenario . It is quite common with the inflation around and seems more to do with jealousy and greed ,when he sees his nephews earning so much and his son is nowhere near as good as them and thus is a loser in his sight

then you ask an islamic scholar what it is you have a right to do.

you tell your father what you have been told by the islamic scholar - give him time to digest.

and when all fails - you do what you have to in order to complete your faith.

 

[Predator]

then you ask an islamic scholar what it is you have a right to do.

you tell your father what you have been told by the islamic scholar - give him time to digest.

and when all fails - you do what you have to in order to complete your faith.

So we have do whatever we have to ,even if it means being disowned by the father ?

 

[جوري]

You just need to pick up works of fiqh in regards to what have been suggested. You'd be surprised to find some scholars were racist by today's standard saying an arab woman should not marry an ajmi man. Humanly work and thinking has to be thought in the context of history.

As for the actual topic, is there even an alpha female? Where did I say that being less educated than husband means she must be an ignorant ditz from a village? What it simply means is "less educated." If you are a doctor, try to not marry a doctor. Canadian stats already show that divorce rates among physician couples are higher than population average which themselves are sky high.

You'll find exceptions everywhere, but exceptions are not the rule.

What do you mean by "lifetime partner", sis? Please dont use concepts which were foreign to Prophet's time. They took a MORE realistic approach to marriage, taking into account humanly behaviors, and hence they did not have much heart aches. They did not view marriage as this super-ceremonious thing you do once in a life. To them, marriage is an occassion of joy but something you just do and nothing "special" about it. Something that is just done with no out of ordinary expectations. To the point, they thought that lack of love is not a thing to divorce for. While today, it is thought if there is no love in marriage, they should not remain married. Yet at the same time, they had many divorces. Just look up how many wives Umar (ra) divorced. So the concept of "lifetime partner" flies out of the window sis.

I pray the same for you sis.

W salam

Gonna reply back to you in more details later in shaa Allah- but two important points is that, scholars aren't immune from errors, and simply giving ijtihad on a subject doesn't necessarily mean that it is accurate. There are many fatwas by sheikh Ibn Uthymeen ra7maho Allah that not only do I find unusual just from an islamic point of view but completely impractical all together.. And yes of course there's such a thing as Alpha females or at least people whose personality has natural leadership ability and are outside the box.. Hind is one such character and her character and desires remained so before and after Islam, she's no Khadija RA but surely she did perfect her Islam afterwards and even took from byt al-mal to start her own business, fought in one of the battles- some females have strong personalities and that is the way Allah swt made them, and there's nothing at all wrong with that.
Yes I agree doctors shouldn't marry doctors but for entirely different set of reasons than you propose .. it is a matter of complementing one another rather than being supplementary but ultimately what attracts people isn't going to fall down on a set of criteria. It is what it is.
I also don't agree that marriage to them was nothing special. yes in some instances they were fulfilling an obligation or taking care of someone but there were many stories of otherwise as well.
We all shape our future at least in the parts we're able to with our own hands- I am not going to color this with my personal wants but certainly some statements here should raise a few eyebrows..
Notice I never want to turn this into a battle of sexes, I have too much respect for Muslim men (true Muslim men) who understand their roles to make it descend to a personal experience and I really am hoping something good would happen to you so that your reflections on relationships aren't so frigid and objectified.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

So we have do whatever we have to ,even if it means being disowned by the father ?

i meant as an extreme circumstance after many many MANY years of trying.

I am not an islamic scholar.


Consult one please bro.

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

she hasnt gone a single day hungry or without shelter.

they are living like travellers going towards their home.


ofcourse the father has a right to reject a jobless potential. did I make it sound in anyway in my post like im forcing every sister to be liek that?

When I said the words "How many sisters" - It was to signify the rarity of this beautiful couple.

In time they most likely will settle down, but they are newly weds and still finding their footing - and the fact taht they chose each other for ISLAM and nothing but truelly is something amazing.



I dont know why you got offended by my post, and dont even say you didnt. it wasnt attacking anyone

She hasn't gone hungry because other people other than her husband are supporting her. Sorry for spoiling your righteous circle by stating a fact. Anyone that object to you must be offended..... if u didn't like my response you don't have to reply back...

You've written "how many sisters" you wanted sisters to feel guilty for asking a brother to have a job. How can this couple choose each other for Islam when one cant fulfil his Islamic obligation towards his wife?

And how do they even afford a travellers lifestyle with shelter? Either its her parent or tax payer footing the bill....

Isn't other couple like a man on low income equally beautiful, if not more beautiful because he is actually fulfilling his responsibility...

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

She hasn't gone hungry because other people other than her husband are supporting her. Sorry for spoiling your righteous circle by stating a fact. Anyone that object to you must be offended..... if u didn't like my response you don't have to reply back...

You've written "how many sisters" you wanted sisters to feel guilty for asking a brother to have a job. How can this couple choose each other for Islam when one cant fulfil his Islamic obligation towards his wife?

And how do they even afford a travellers lifestyle with shelter? Either its her parent or tax payer footing the bill....

Isn't other couple like a man on low income equally beautiful, if not more beautiful because he is actually fulfilling his responsibility...

Allaah supports EVERYONE. even if YOU give me shelter, even if YOU give me food, it is not actually you, it is Allaah!

everything that comes to me, is from Allaah. I will be grateful to you, I will thank you> I will do my part. But thats because Allaah has placed you int he position you are in and me in the position I am in.

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

We should remember that we shoud lead by example and how we behave around others including our spouse will influence them. If a man doesn't wake up for fajr, chances are the woman next to him doesn't either. I understand the reason this thread was started, and yes a righteous husband is key to her Jannah just like a righteous wife is a key for his jennah, as they will compliment each other and help each other stay on the right path or they can also drag each other down. A spouse should be chosen wisely, and when one puts finances first, the likelyhood of choosing a good spouse is slim, but we must remember that choosing a spouse for wealth IS an option. We have these options for a reason and the choices made will be made according to the state of person's heart and imaan.

Going back to the thread title, a righteous husband is key to her Jannah yes, one could say that, but stuff like this seems to create a battle between genders as we can see in this thread. Sisters, lets not foget that Jannah is at the husban's feet for a woman. How? The Quran states for women to obey their husbands, not men to obey their wives...the authority a man has was given to them by Allah.

It has been narrated on the authority of Umm Salama (ra) that Rasul'Allah (saw) said: "If a woman dies in a state when her husband is pleased with her, she will enter Paradise ". (Tirmidhi)
Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said: “When a woman prays her five (prayers), fasts her month (Ramadan), preserves her chastity, and obeys her husband, she will be told (on the Day of Judgement), “Enter Jannah from any of its (eight) gates.”

So I would say, it is best to work on oneself, we hold our own keys to Jannah , Allah has made it easy for us. I understand the concern some may have with parents wanting the wealthy man for their daughters, but everything in our lives happens for a reason and we should make the best of it. If a sister is indeed married off to a not so pius brother, who is wealthy, and she is a pius woman, the hope is that her actions will influence his, her sweetness, support, obedience and companionship can help his heart change. We should think of that scenario too.

As far as Khadijah (ra) and her being a business woman, I didn't see some important points being mentioned. The business she owned was passed down to her by her father, she depended on other men to take care of her business transactions and most of them if not all of them would take advantage of this and shortchange her. One of the reason she proposed to prophet Muhammad (saw) was because he DIDN'T shortchange her and he was honest and trustworthy. So yes she hired him, and yes she proposed to him, but Khadijah was his biggest supporter, she would go see that he was okay when he was in his cave, she would go and climb up there herself, if not she would send someone. She was the first to take shahada, she was the one person who always believed in him no matter what. She was his place of comfort, she listened to him and obeyed him.

As far as the age is concerned, you have to think about the times those were, being 30 years old was considered to be "an older woman", as women were bearing children at very yong ages, lets not forget that Aisha was very young when she married the prophet (saw), and Maryam (ra) was said to be about 12 years old when she gave birth to Isa (as). So regardless if she was 28 or 40, she was still twice married with children and considered to be of a mature age for those times

As sister bluebell said, there such a thing as alpha females, and from my personal observation, in most cases they pair up with alpha males, if they both have personalities of natural leadership abilities, then they would compliment each other, and together they are stronger. That's what marriage is about

sorry for quoting you again sis lol but I like this part too "it is a matter of complementing one another rather than being supplementary but ultimately what attracts people isn't going to fall down on a set of criteria. It is what it is."

- cOsMiC

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Allaah supports EVERYONE. even if YOU give me shelter, even if YOU give me food, it is not actually you, it is Allaah!

everything that comes to me, is from Allaah. I will be grateful to you, I will thank you> I will do my part. But thats because Allaah has placed you int he position you are in and me in the position I am in.

Then sit on your backside and wait to be provided with food and shelter. Fact remains it is obligatory for a man to have a job more so for his wife to cook. It is even permitted to work in haram places if there is no alternative. So your friend should find a job. I can easily provide info about organisation that assist immigrants, asylum seekers etc to settle and find training, employment.

This not battle of sexes, I simply pointed out that for many people, it would unacceptable for wife not to do domestic duties or if she is unable to cook but for a jobless brother, it is a different story all together....

So let back to the title ......righteous man is someone that would fulfil his Islamic duties....which includes having a job or means to provide before he is married.

 

[Mustafa2012]

I'm with sister Rhubarb on his one.

Unless the bro's family is willing to support him until he finds a job it's not the best way to start a marriage.

Limited finances can put a strain on a relationship and sometimes it can lead to divorce.

The bro has to have a means of providing for his wife whether it's his family supporting them or him having a job or business.

It is the right of the wife that the husband have a reliable source of provision.

We should "tie the camel" or do the best we can within our ability first in order to have an adequate source of provision and then put our trust in Allaah.

 

[CosmicPathos]

As sister bluebell said, there such a thing as alpha females, and from my personal observation, in most cases they pair up with alpha males, if they both have personalities of natural leadership abilities, then they would compliment each other, and together they are stronger. That's what marriage is about

alpha females (what does this even mean among human species?) pairing up with alpha males? You need to review evolution 101 sister. An alpha male is an animal who is most fit for reproduction and who gets to spread his progeny the most, and his good genes show up phenotypically as him being a leader, respected and admired in society. What is an alpha female among human species?

Moreover, alpha male might of course get along with alpha female, but for time being, then his "alphaness" will pull him towards new territories as well. He is less likely to stick around with an alpha female.

W salam.

 

[CosmicPathos]

As sister bluebell said, there such a thing as alpha females, and from my personal observation, in most cases they pair up with alpha males, if they both have personalities of natural leadership abilities, then they would compliment each other, and together they are stronger. That's what marriage is about

hmm. How do you explain divorces of ashaab? They failed to complement their wives?

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

@ cosmic pathos

Let's not get smart about the alpha female stuff, You know as well as I do that we are using the term alpha female here as an example to illustrate something, the personality trait exists whether you refer to it as alpha, dominant, leading, head of etc. Just as there are men who are natural leaders, there are also women like this (who lead among women) and in most cases they are attracted to each other. A man who is fit to lead people needs a strong woman, not to lead him, but to assist him and be a strong support to him. Just because the woman would have a strong personality doesn't mean she becomes a competition for the man. I only used this kind of couple as an example because it was previously mentioned. Not all men are leaders, not all women are leaders of course. It is known that men are attracted to women who complement their own personality and vise versa, this isn't news. From your posts, I could be wrong, or perhaps interpreting ur posts wrong ( I apologize if I am) but it seems as though you see women as possible opponents vs possible companions, one cannot enter a marriage with that state of mind. When you marry it is to make a team, this is why being wise in choosing a spouse is so important, which takes me back to what i had originally posted in this thread.

As far as divorces among sahaba? It is possible that their personalities clashed, but we don't have such in depth info on their marriages do we? I highly doubt they divorced over the things we divorce this day in age. Marriages of the sahaba are a totally different ball park. First, there divorce rate wasn't THAT high, even if it was, the re-marriage rate was just as high. No woman went unmarried then whether she'd be a divorcee or a widow. That doesn't happen anymore. We need to remember also that when we speak of the sahaba, these men and women were in a totally different state of imaan, they were living among the prophet(saw). Giving things up for the sake of Allah(whether it be a marriage or their lives), for the betterment of the community was NOT difficult for them. They were truly devout people. Can't compare them to us.

anyway, we may be heading towards a derail here >_< so lets try to stay on topic yes?

- cOsMiC

 

[Signor]

Assalamu Alaikum

Some members here brought the issue of marrying someone(with less or nothing as financial resources.But do we know a HIGH amount of Trust is required on Allah which cannot be acquire by mere words rather,it took many hardship and sufferings when the person in question facing them with patience and steadfastness.This level of eeman isn't available in local markets,you have to strive and consumes each and every bit of yourself in order to attain.For Instance.I regularly before going to sleep Ayat ul Kursi for protection against evil beings but does it works in the way I want it to be if my level of confidence on The Most High is near to none.A famous Incident which I've been listening since my childhood is this one:

In the third year after Hijrah, a tribe of Banu Tha'laba and its allies were preparing to attack Madinah. The Holy Prophet (p.b.u.h) set out to confront them, but as he entered the precincts of Nukhail, the enemies retreated to their hiding place behind the mountains.

Suddenly it began to pour. The Holy Prophet (p.b.u.h) removed his wet clothes and spread them over a tree for drying. Waiting for his clothes to dry, he took respite under a tree. An enemy by the name of Du'shoor, thought that this was an opportune time to attack the Holy Prophet (p.b.u.h) unawares, so he crept forward arid leapt with an open sword. "Muhammad, say who can save you from my sword now'-"

The Holy Prophet (p.b.u.h) without losing his calm, said, with a firm, resounding voice: "ALLAH!"

And just as the words fell from the Holy Prophet's (p.b.u.h) lips, an unseen power seemed to overwhelm and seize the attacker. He trembled and the sword fell off his hands. The Holy Prophet (p.b.u.h) rose instantly, held the sword and turned to Du'shoor: "Tell me now who is there to deliver you from my sword?"

Du'shoor said: "None".

And suddenly he realised that this incident was revealing to him the great Truth. Allah was the Creator, the Sustainer and to Him turned everything in human life. Life and death both are ordained by Allah. So he exclaimed:

"I testify that there is no god but Allah, and you, Muhammad, are indeed His Messenger."

Then he went back to his people to preach Islam and teach them the creed.

Qur'an describes this encounter in the following words:
"O believers! Remember the favour which Allah bestowed upon you. Remember when a group sought to harm you, He restrained their hands; guard yourselves in fear of Allah. In Allah let the faithful put their Trust." (Al-Maidah)

There is also an Incident of Khalid Bin Waleed (R.A) quoted in this regard who proceeded to drank poison in order to show the people that nothing can harm him unless Allah's will.Its all takes HUGE amount of trust on Allah.isn't it?

Regards

 

[ardianto]

@ IbnAbdulHakim

Maybe you have heard about success story of salesman who becomes company director. But my story was different. I was company director who later became a salesman.

That's happened after I fell into bancruptcy due to mismanagement. I lost my company, my money, one of my house, my car. But Alhamdulillah, I did not lose my spirit to 'walk' again. So, I did everything that I could to make money, like became freelance salesman in several companies who was traveling around the city on an old motorbike. How much money that I got from my job?. You would be laugh if I tell you.

Yes, just very small amount. But it did not stop me to still work although I could chose to relax at home and asked my mother and my uncles to fund my family. It's because I worked not only for money, but also for my honor.

I'm a husband, I'm a daddy, I'm a man. It's my duty to fulfill my family needs although it's very hard. And I could not run from this duty because I knew, this duty is my honor as a man. If I ran from this duty, I would lose my honor. This is something that I never want.

I knew, it's very hard to get or create a job, but I also knew, there's always a way for those who are willing to walk.

Alhamdulillah, now I have stable business and can provide my family needs.

Young bro, I hope you can learn something from this.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

Brother, sisters, please someone explain to me something that I really don't understand.

Why are you indulging so much into the rights that you have over your spouse and not the obligations your spouse has over you? Are you seeking something in marriage other than love, trust and fulfilment? Marriage is a give-and-take relationship and you won't have a happy marriage if you can take but can't give.

Brothers: you can't marry until you can be the man of the house and the breadwinner. Unless you're happy seeing your wife being forced to mix with other men, compromising her niqab in front of their ever-lustful eyes because you're too lazy: get a job and be the one who controls the finances of the house. If you can't do both of these together as a minimum then you're not ready for marriage.

Sisters: learning how to cook when you've just had your first baby is not the right time to learn how to cook. Unless you really don't mind having a husband enjoying all sorts of unhealthy fast food from breakfast to dinner to your sausages that are burnt on the outside but frozen in the inside – learn how to cook now. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach and this is no exception for a man who is sincere and righteous. If you can't do what your mum has been doing since before you were born, you're not ready for marriage.

Brothers: being mature enough to work long term, providing financial security and being ready to take care of a family financially is your job alone. Don't complain, just do it and in the process, enjoy the benefits of not having to worry about money.

Sisters: while we've all heard a zillion times over that you want to work because it's a 'necessity', leave the work to men. While women working is permissible (and I'm not denying you this right), focus on that which will bring you closer to Allah away from work. It doesn't make sense to hassle your husband day and night to get a job and then argue with him to get a job for yourself later. Don't step on his toes, let him do what he needs because hopefully he has the common sense to provide for both of you. It is a marriage after all. Right?

It's as simple as that.

Oh and finally, marriage is not complicated. But neither is it so simple and irresponsible that a lot of people think marriage is.

I want to emphasise at this point that this thread is the reason why I strongly discourage brothers and sisters engaging in marriage discussions with each other.

I think it's also very safe for me to assume that no one on this thread is married. Maybe 1 or 2 at most. Hence the petty arguments.