Advice Need:Co-Wife

[S_87]

hmmm DONT ASK HER
what you can do is hint, like tell her youre looking for a husband, wouldnt mind polygamy and ask her if she or her husband knows anyone...but it has to come from her.
and dont think your friendship will be the same/survive after marriage.

 

[innocent]

I cant speak for anyone else but if my best friend (if I had one) or any friend suggested something like that to me it would change things between us forever and I wouldnt see her in the same way ever again. Why dont you just ask her and her husband to look for a husband for you? If you specifically want to be a second wife (i cant imagine why) then they can look for someone who is looking for a second wife.
I would strongly advise against suggesting that you marry her husband.

 

[kingkong]

Why do you want to be a 2nd wife when there are plenty of men out there? Back in the time of the Prophet, there were many wars and so the females outnumbered the males and there was no choice but for women to be 2nd and 3rd wives etc.

But the population split is far more even now and there are plenty of good men and good women available, you just have to find them.

Let's say that there isn't a man available who is single and young and pious, why would you marry your friend's husband?

If a woman came to me and wanted to be a second wife, I would say NO NO NO, there are plenty of good brothers out there, find one of them. Or better still, why not do it the recommended way, get yoru family to find you a man.

Actually brings another question, why are you doing this search yourself? Surely your parents/family can help you out?

 

[جوري]

I think we're all walking on egg shells because it is a religious allowance. But it isn't an injunction!!!.. my opinion is that you're coveting your friend's husband while being envious of her and what she has. You might not see it this way but I have to suspect that you posted the problem here because you wanted an outside view... the view of many here is that even though it is an allowance, you're taking advantage of your friendship and a religious view that your friend has that might not make her emotionally comfortable at all especially when it involves you in the picture...You want what your friend has instead of creating that for yourself with someone else and in my personal opinion that doesn't make you a very good friend.
No woman who truly loves her husband wants to share him.. openness to the idea and acceptance of what God decreed doesn't mean that it won't be subject to human emotions, comparisons, wrangles etc.

visit singleMuslim site they've a zillion brothers there many Egyptians if you like Egyptians who are dexterous in all sorts of electronics and let your friend in peace with her little family. Be a friend not a third wheel!

disclaimer: Allah swt a3lam that isn't my intention to offend you but it is just how this situation comes off!

 

[Ghazalah]

Firstly, despite you both saying that you don't mind co-wives I still think your friend might have a slightly different view if she found out her husband is going to marry her best friend, however I could be wrong and she might be okay with the idea, but I think you should ask her first and then see how things move on from there.

Secondly, there will always be tension between co-wives as well as jealousy, even with the Prophets wives, so I think you should acknowledge the fact that because of this your friendship with each other might change.

Thirdly if everything goes well and everyone's happy then may Allah SWT bless your marriage inshAllah.

 

[sabr*]

As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم):

The reason why Islam has been resilient and flourishing is because it doesn't require our opinions and uneducated input.

We are not even surprised on the lack of religious advice and the over abundance of in my opinion advice.

The co-wife is an allowance that Allah has granted in various situations.


REREAD OPINION GIVERS!

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 53:

Narrated Thabit Al-Banani:

I was with Anas while his daughter was present with him. Anas said, "A woman came to Allah's Apostle and presented herself to him, saying, 'O Allah's Apostle, have you any need for me (i.e. would you like to marry me)?' "Thereupon Anas's daughter said, "What a shameless lady she was ! Shame! Shame!" Anas said, "She was better than you; she had a liking for the Prophet so she presented herself for marriage to him."


Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.

We have no idea even if the brother is able to maintain two wifes. No one knows a persons personal financial situation.

An-Nisa (The Women) 4:3

وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلاَّ تُقْسِطُواْ فِي الْيَتَامَى فَانكِحُواْ مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ النِّسَاء مَثْنَى وَثُلاَثَ وَرُبَاعَ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلاَّ تَعْدِلُواْ فَوَاحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُكُمْ ذَلِكَ أَدْنَى أَلاَّ تَعُولُواْ (4:3)
Wain khiftum alla tuqsitoo fee alyatama fainkihoo ma taba lakum mina alnnisai mathna wathulatha warubaAAa fain khiftum alla taAAdiloo fawahidatan aw ma malakat aymanukum thalika adna alla taAAooloo

4:3 (Y. Ali) If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.

A woman with a lack of Taqwa and Iman would forget the allowance made by Allah and inject her personal feelings and emotions regarding accepting a co-wife. No one knows what is in the heart of this sister and
disparaging her character stating she is attempting to steal her friends husband is crossing the line.

Those comments would be expected from a Western feminist and not practicing Muslims.

Use your Wali to protect your interests and read our sticky on The Muslim Marriage Process. Insha Allah

http://www.islamicboard.com/showthread.php?t=134292619



Jazakumullahu Khair

 

[AishaRayann]

Well, my problems are overwhelming and seem impossible..im american revert living in south carolina,usa... in the "bible belt"...seriously you cant go in 5 mile radius where i live without seeing 10-20 churches..as many as 5 on the same road. My parents are divorced. I don't speak to my father for the things he did to me and my mother...for over 10 years now...hes an atheist...my mother is a die hard Christian..the rest of my family are Christians...so I cannot ask my family.

I have and NEVER will do Muslim Marriage sites again.
Then, I met someone on facebook from Egypt...who i knew as a friend for a long time.Knew him altogether for 4 maybe 5 years. At some point when i became Muslim...i become unsure of myself..because my family wouldnt leave me alone..i cried alot...so i stayed gone out of depression a few times maybe a month at a time sometimes.he got enganged to marry a girl while i was away he knew the reasons why i would take off...he supposidly didnt marry her..but i swear he did...especially when i looked at his fb page and said he was enganged to this girl and not me.i become furious...after that nothing but lies...this was the first man i truely loved. so yeh it hurt


Ive been searching and im tired of it...im going to be 26 next month...im getting old...who wants a 30 yr old woman to marry? everyone always search for someone young...im not young anymore.Thats all what men to see to want is a girl not a woman...you see it on marriage profiles all over. age 18-25. where does that leave me?!?! sorry for being angry...im just sick!

second of all... the honest truth about why i want to be a co-wife..even though id prefer 1st...is because i need to be able to keep my health insurance..im on my moms plan..she has very good insurance because she works for the biggest hospitial in the region.I have some health issues that require me to take 12-15 pills a day. The medications are expensive without insurance...i wouldnt be able to afford even one of them off of her insurance. One of the meds is $2500 for 30 day supply without insurance.I need them to live.

Then theres the thought of helping each other out with cooking and cleaning..if one could do half of this and half of that..make things simplier.


I dont know im just aggrevated and confused is all.

 

[Ghazalah]

^I think you need need a break. From the sound of things a lot of rash decisions were made and you had to bear the consequences, don't worry about age, 26 is not old. So I think you should let yourself heal for a moment from your past. Time is a great healer.

Before thinking of marrying your best friends husband, have you prayed Istikhara? If not, before anything pray it first.

Also, go into your local masjid and talk to the Imaam or even get your best friends husband to ask him on your behalf?

Despite how you're feeling, never forget Allah knows everything, what you have been through, so turn to him and trust him. His plans for our lives are always better than our dreams.

 

[in-the-shadows]

I think we're all walking on egg shells because it is a religious allowance. But it isn't an injunction!!!.. my opinion is that you're coveting your friend's husband while being envious of her and what she has. You might not see it this way but I have to suspect that you posted the problem here because you wanted an outside view... the view of many here is that even though it is an allowance, you're taking advantage of your friendship and a religious view that your friend has that might not make her emotionally comfortable at all especially when it involves you in the picture...You want what your friend has instead of creating that for yourself with someone else and in my personal opinion that doesn't make you a very good friend.
No woman who truly loves her husband wants to share him.. openness to the idea and acceptance of what God decreed doesn't mean that it won't be subject to human emotions, comparisons, wrangles etc.

visit singleMuslim site they've a zillion brothers there many Egyptians if you like Egyptians who are dexterous in all sorts of electronics and let your friend in peace with her little family. Be a friend not a third wheel!

disclaimer: Allah swt a3lam that isn't my intention to offend you but it is just how this situation comes off!

while it's true that when you really love someone you may not want to share them in any way with someone else, it's also true that having a part of them is better than not having them at all. but that is not at all the case here. just a thought.

 

[Alpha Dude]

second of all... the honest truth about why i want to be a co-wife..even though id prefer 1st...is because i need to be able to keep my health insurance..im on my moms plan..she has very good insurance because she works for the biggest hospitial in the region.I have some health issues that require me to take 12-15 pills a day. The medications are expensive without insurance...i wouldnt be able to afford even one of them off of her insurance. One of the meds is $2500 for 30 day supply without insurance.I need them to live.

Are polygamous marriages recognised where you are?

 

[جوري]

while it's true that when you really love someone you may not want to share them in any way with someone else, it's also true that having a part of them is better than not having them at all. but that is not at all the case here. just a thought.

I disagree with that .. for many it is all or none.. but as I stated it is certainly an allowance and there isn't much room for personal opinions or what Hailey, Sandra or Fatima would personally do with the situation. I assume when folks post on a public forum that they're looking for a more objective view of their situation..

best,

 

[in-the-shadows]

also, to the OP, after reading your situation i think the only reason you want to marry this brother is because you see how happy your friend is with him and you see their happy family and because you don't have one yourself you see this as a way of getting what you don't have. you may not think this, but this is psychology - google it. of course it is natural to lust after what you don't have. so it is understandable that you want to marry this man because in your mind you see this man = happiness, so you think if i had him, me = happy. but what you need to understand is that how it appears now, all happy and lovey dovey and you getting along with the wife and kids, it may change after you marry him, and in fact i can almost guarantee it would because this is 2011. kids might start hating you and you might not want to take a bullet for the first wife anymore. also, you said you live in the states, where polygamy is illegal. how would you provide legal proof for your marriage? what if you had children? legally what would you do? marriage and everything is ok, but you need to think about these other things too. if you are having trouble finding someone to marry in the States, why do you not consider moving to a muslim country where you can be with more muslims and find someone appropriate? do NOT try to find someone yourself. this is why you have been hurt before. be patient. you are complaining about being 26, there are people with serious disabilities who are treated like crap by everyone and have no marriage prospects ever, so think of people like that and be thankful for all that you do have. instead of looking online, you need to consider moving to a place where there is a huge active muslim community, get really involved at the mosque, find elders to look for someone for you, and do it that way. sitting around and considering your friend's husbands is when you know the situation is getting sad - you're young, it's not the end of the world. however if marriage is SO serious to you (which i personally don't understand why it is, but moving on) then get real and do things properly.

 

[جوري]

Ive been searching and im tired of it...im going to be 26 next month...im getting old...who wants a 30 yr old woman to marry? everyone always search for someone young...im not young anymore.Thats all what men to see to want is a girl not a woman...you see it on marriage profiles all over. age 18-25. where does that leave me?!?! sorry for being angry...im just sick!

That is very interesting.. Not 'everyone' and not 'always' marries in their twenties .. people marry when Allah swt wills not when it is forced and contrived!

 

[in-the-shadows]

I disagree with that .. for many it is all or none.. but as I stated it is certainly an allowance and there isn't much room for personal opinions or what Hailey, Sandra or Fatima would personally do with the situation. I assume when folks post on a public forum that they're looking for a more objective view of their situation..

best,

well yes, the all or none approach, often used by people who have too much pride. "if i can't have all of you, i don't want any of you" - i question whether people like that truly love someone? because lets say you really really love someone. wouldn't you want to at least speak to them or see them once in a while, as opposed to never? saying "if i can't have 100% of you, i'm not ok with that" is like saying "i have too much pride to not have you ALL to myself". at least, that is how i view it. not disagreeing, just sharing my opinion.

wsalam.

 

[جوري]

well yes, the all or none approach, often used by people who have too much pride. "if i can't have all of you, i don't want any of you" - i question whether people like that truly love someone? because lets say you really really love someone. wouldn't you want to at least speak to them or see them once in a while, as opposed to never? saying "if i can't have 100% of you, i'm not ok with that" is like saying "i have too much pride to not have you ALL to myself". at least, that is how i view it. not disagreeing, just sharing my opinion.

wsalam.

I don't think pride has anything to do with it.. I certainly don't wish to meander the topic.. but when someone you love dies.. do you mummify them and put them in a glass casket where you can keep an eye on them because part of them is better than nothing? Sometimes relationships die just like people die but love doesn't die along with that finality and I think it is rather altruistic not prideful-- anyhow that is a digression that isn't pertinent to her situation..

best,

 

[Ghazalah]

well yes, the all or none approach, often used by people who have too much pride. "if i can't have all of you, i don't want any of you" - i question whether people like that truly love someone? because lets say you really really love someone. wouldn't you want to at least speak to them or see them once in a while, as opposed to never? saying "if i can't have 100% of you, i'm not ok with that" is like saying "i have too much pride to not have you ALL to myself". at least, that is how i view it. not disagreeing, just sharing my opinion.

Believe it or not people have different levels of love, and even though Islam allows polygamy and I fully understand why, I'd either have all my husband or I'd not have him at all. You need to understand the nature of women, while some can bare the brunt of sharing a husband and have no problem with it, others cannot and it's not to do with having too much pride.

 

[Cabdullahi]

..also then find out hes an illegal alien from Afghanistan.

Aliens from Afghanistan dont know jack about computers and electronics

 

[sabr*]

The honest truth about why i want to be a co-wife..even though id prefer 1st...is because i need to be able to keep my health insurance..im on my moms plan..she has very good insurance because she works for the biggest hospitial in the region.I have some health issues that require me to take 12-15 pills a day. The medications are expensive without insurance...i wouldnt be able to afford even one of them off of her insurance. One of the meds is $2500 for 30 day supply without insurance.I need them to live.

Then theres the thought of helping each other out with cooking and cleaning..if one could do half of this and half of that..make things simplier.


I dont know im just aggrevated and confused is all.

As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم):

We will still support sisters in the face of bias views and negative social stigmas against women.

That being said Ukhti AishaRayann your negative experience had nothing to do with Islam and everything to do
with the chauvinistic brother who implemented cultural and tribal habits if the account of events you stated are
factual. There is no need for us to apologize for his un-lslamic deeds.

Now we request you delete the personal information that you provided in your post. That was just too much information
and surprised a moderator didn't advise you regarding it.

The amount of information we quoted is enough.

Now your true intent of desiring a Muslim marriage to maintain and continue health insurance should be reevaluated.
This will only confirm those who stated you had nefarious reasons to desire that marriage.

Visit your local Masjid immediately for guidance and assistance. It will difficult to find it in a opinionated forum.

http://www.almasjid.com/

Masjid search for your area:

http://www.islamicity.com/orgs/acti...ld=BusinessName&-sortorder=ascending&-lop=and

 

[AishaRayann]

Aliens from Afghanistan dont know jack about computers and electronics

I don't know brother..I was on Islam chat 4 years ago and saw a man in a cave on a labtop...with webcam on..I didnt understand what he was saying as i do not read arabic. I'm actually serious about this..which is the scary thing lol

 

[Cabdullahi]

I don't know brother..I was on Islam chat 4 years ago and saw a man in a cave on a labtop...with webcam on..I didnt understand what he was saying as i do not read arabic. I'm actually serious about this..which is the scary thing lol

shizzle! it must have been this guy