I also think that yes only God can actually save me from this....and I have to do specific certain kinds of prayers to maybe get him to Help me. I do know that sometimes you may have to pray for many years to receive help..this is what ive experienced.... what ive been through has been like...you go through one bad thing, then another and another and more and more, and more and it doesnt' end?? its like youre strapped to a roller coaster and you have to go through the ride of horror..it won't end..more and more horrors trials serious hell bad severe situations, then you try to escape and you go into more and more bad situations, bad people trials...you don't have a life, no fun its just suffering....and you watch others...they have a seemingly normal life, but your path is different... you are only suffering in very bizarre situations too...like why is this happening to me?? you are strapped to something different and you want to escape but you can't...you try reaching out to others and nothing happens..no one helps you and then only more and more bad things keep happening..and very strange bizarre things... why me and why THESE strange crazy situations. Why this extremeness of these situations....and you think after 1,2,3,4 years or more...it will finally end..one day the trials will stop but they didn't. They only got worse and worse....and crazier and stranger. I would beg God..even when I intuitively felt they were beginning and some had happened...pleaes God...please don't let me go through this...but theres nothing you can do.. and you try so hard to get a 'normal life'...positive good people, married anything...youre trying so hard to escape this THING you're on...this horrible path full of hell that you can't escape....but no matter what you can't...it's as if it's your destiny to suffer these things ie predestination....you try to get help from people and either, people turn away from you or no one helps and those who try can't really do anything....you have to bond back with your abusers/enemies and they are the only people in your life and oddly no one else can seemingly be a part of your life for some reason...people just disappear or you can't meet anyone. you try desperately but it won't happen...and youre forced to forgive your abusers because apparently no one else will come into your life and youre suffering more and more. as you suffer trials and attempt to crawl back from the pit you've been thrown in, people are making you suffer more and more and even more trials are happening. you cant even heal....its a crazy torturous terrible experience....and it doesn't feel like its just randomly happening..this isn't random life, or normal life....this is very orchestrated...something crazy is going on and its happening to you and you can't really do much about it. if I wrote a story about the things ive been through...it would be shocking.. all the different horrid things...just only negativity for years and years...bad horrible situations, bad things....nothing positive....then the situations get worse and more extreme...nothing normal good or positive...just suffering and horror...that's the best way to describe it...the human mind body and soul is not equipped to deal with that much suffering and trauma to be honest...I don't think most people would have survived what ive experienced....its like a whirlwind of hell...it is hell and so crazy...and youre forced to beg and pray to God 24/7...literally...asking God for help...all the time...saying please...end this..stop this..what IS this?? people ignorantly try to say "oh it's life...life"...but they don't know...it wasn't life...it was something else...something extreme...some terrible intense spiritual experience of horrors and nightmares...beyond your worst imagination...of course there are those 'spiritual people' that will say "oh its past life karma"...youre now paying for all the karmic debt..that's why youre going through all these bad things...I don't believe that but the level of crap hell and suffering and weird situations ive been through have been SO strange...you do wonder..i mean that sounds like a logical explanation though I don't believe it...but even going there...I mean no..even if this is karmic debt (totally different level of believing)...it would have to be on a huge level for someone to have to suffer THIS much...I mean this is pointless unnecessary suffering that makes NO sense....that's what I didn't understand...how pointless and unnecessary these trials were...if there was a meaning or purpose to them then it would make sense...but it was pointless...I just suffered and suffered...and was put through major hells and oppression and more and more of it only for it to really mean nothing....my Christian friend said 'you've been through persecution...I don't know how you do it"...I said how do you know?? these chrisiians know because they have studied spirituality and understand these trials...some of them can explain in detail what ive been through only because they've read about it...ive lived it...but again ...I don't understand..the purpose the meaning and why....ive been asking this of God for many years..to end these and to help me understand for what reason did I suffer these crazy things and all this suffering...this oppression and worse now witnessing my abusers get great spouses....even another trial!! ive been praying to God for a spouse for 16 years...and got only the most sociopathic people in my life to torture me...serial killer type sociopaths...no friends nothing...and yet my worst abusers those who've abused and done so much bad to me get more good in their life??? now THIS has been really hard...even though they've been married before but now its like...theyre married again and here I am still alone and suffering?? like if God could allow me to have A spouse...it could save me from these horrors....and all these oppressors STILL in my life but it won't happen?? its so confusing....