Age Window in Marriage

[Banu_Hashim]

May Allah (swt) grant us all pious partners and make them a means of happiness for us in this world and the hereafter
WassalamuAlaykum

Ameen!

 

[Ansariyah]

I think if ur in ur teens, marrying someone younger is a bit not befitting..I dunno.
I guess it all depends between the connection that the two people have..if they can do it, thats kewl.

 

[Ansariyah]

AssalamuAlaykum

I'd wanna see/know how he interacts with others, especially elders in his family, his peers etc. And that knowledge would come after research obviously. Based on his deen, imaan and ilm too.

Wallahu A'lam. Some things just happen and getting to know these things is easier in some situations, Alhamdulillah :')



Ya know, despite everything that is being said about age being just a number, I'd feel real insecure with somebody more than a year younger than me.

I think the reasons for that are...Hmm personal. But yah.

At the moment, if all goes well insha'Allah....the bro is 3 and a half years older than me and I think thats totally perfect masha'Allah walhamdulillah. A year or two here and there and I'd be a little undecisive about the whole thing.

May Allah (swt) grant us all pious partners and make them a means of happiness for us in this world and the hereafter. Ameen!

WassalamuAlaykum

how can u post under annonymous, in this section?..there is no anonymous option?..strange.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Good on you.:smile:when mum and dad got married,most girls near my mums villiage were pressurised to marry a guy older than themselves,aparently it's better,^o)to be honest,that's rubbish because most of the time it was evident that there was more dispute amongst husband and wife with an age gap,the man tend to be more controlling and the woman maybe too young to know a lot of the things that the man wants like cooking and etc.

there'll be problems either way if either one of the man or woman act in such a manner.


it comes down to the people

 

[Mehedi Hasan]

This reply is not entirely serious, and certainly not Islamic, but my husband once told me that the limit for age difference in a relationship should be half the age +7 years.

For example:
If the older partner is 20, the other should be no younger than 17.
If the older partner is 40, the other should be no younger than 27.
If the older partner is 60, the other should be no younger than 37.

Although this is only made up, it makes a certain amount of sense.
When we are young, a few years can make a lot of difference in terms of maturity.
As we get older that age gap widens.
So in terms of mathematical formulas this may not be such a bad guideline.

Of course much depends on the individuals in question, their outlook on life, their level of maturity etc ...

peace

I am 27 and unmarried, so my wife will be (13y 6m +7y) = 20y 5m.

 

[Banu_Hashim]

I am 27 and unmarried, so my wife will be (13y 6m +7y) = 20y 5m.

huh? ^o)

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

He impressed me by doing athan at the office everyday. :embarrass
and when i told this to my cousin...she said; "you like him because he did athan????? :zip:"

well...you can just say its taqdeer. :embarrass

Haha that's awesome Masha'Allaah. May Allaah bless your marriage!

Three things Allah SWT fulfills for the seeker if he should make his intent pure
1-Getting married
2-Getting out of debt
3-Making pilgrimage
I am sure Br. Qatada can you find you the hadith since I don't have it handy..
I am pretty sure if it really were your intent to marry, that you shall find what you seek, irregardless of the preferences of a few individuals on forum?..

Awesome hadeeth, I needed to be reminded of that! Great timing ukhti.

Personally, prior to reading this thread, i would not consider marrying a brother younger than me. However after reading this thread, i have been convinced that younger brothers can possess the qualitites of "maturirty/responsiblity,etc" and thus, i would consider a brother younger than me. As for how young of a brohter i would consider? i think that would depend on my age and his age. if he and i were both in our twenties, then 2-3 years would be considered, provided he shows the signs of maturity. if he was in his teens and me in my twenties, he would have a harder time convincing me he is mature.
Thats my input. and ofcourse everything is in Allah's hand and only He knows our future
Assalaam u aliakum

That's great! Glad to know this thread was of benefit to others.

Hm... Yeah that is true actually, guys don't tend to mind the age issue. lol. Maybe I should jokingly bring this up with my own brother and see if how he responds and why...

Yeah, we really don't, generally. Men being the creatures that are initially attracted by beauty tend to keep their age windows open.

Will given that I'm 20, I just don't really feel all that into the idea of marrying an 18 year old. There is a difference in the mindset of an 18 year old vs a 20 year old, and I never really believed that before until I looked back at the way I was and used to think then vs now... And I don't say that offensively either, trust me.

Yeah, at every age we're still growing, so when you turn 22, you'll realize how different a mindset you have now. It's inevitable. Therefore, thats why making age a major criterion on whether you would accept or reject someone is not something that'll give you an accurate picture. He's growing, and so are you. And like I mentioned before, you'll always have to compromise something, because perfection doesn't exist here. There are things for which you'll have to say "ok, I think I can be a bit leniant in this regard."

Anyways, if a younger guy were to come to my father and my brothers got to know him and were like "Jawharah, give him a chance, he'd reallyy make a good husband" and then go on to list out his good qualities then that would be impressive, cuz my brothers tend to get to know people pretty well...

Basically you need to get it from reliable sources that the brother is what you're looking for?

Nah, I see it case by case too. I wouldn't just like a guy based on his age alone or necessarily reject him on that alone.

And yeah, true it is a bit of a cultural thing, but to be honest, I've yet to see guys out here who aren't really cultural.

Cultural as in what though? It entails many things.

I'm aware that there are many young brothers who want to get married and do it the right way, and really there have only been a few sisters who replied. How we think doesn't always equal the way things will turn out and we certainly do not represent all sisters. It all comes down to the Qadr of Allah and who He will place in our lives and whatever it comes to the main thing is that we are happy.

I completely agree. My intention in making this thread was to get an idea of what's the basic trend out there and to challange it if I can and therefore get a better understanding than that I had previously.

wa alaykum us-Salaam

yes, if i feel he's compatible.


depends on how old i am. if i was 25 and he was 20, then yes. but if i was 20 and he 15 or something than no :zip:

I guess that builds on what Glo was saying. The older you get, the less important age difference becomes. When you're 25, you're more open to someone younger in contrast to when you're 20.

just be himself i guess. i mean if hes mature, then that maturity would just show it self.

i dont mind marrying someone alot older than me (older people have more common sense, etc), as long as were
a) compatible
b)hes not like the age of my dad, :skeleton: etc

but at the same time id prefer to marry someone more my age, just simply because if the age gap is too much it means your raised differently, which means you would have different mentalities, and you may not get along because of that...

not necessarily. for me personally, it would be weird to marry someone waaaay older than me, regardless of how mature they maybe. it just simply makes me shiver. :X

Exactly. I believe that someone who's around more than 7 years older than you has experienced a world that's slightly different that yours and life experiences wise is quite ahead. I mean, at the end of the day it does come down to compatibility. What works for you doesn't neccassarily have to work for others.

Often times I find that it is 'usually'(and I use the term loosely) the parents who are opposed to a brother marrying a sister that is older. It is, first of all, out of the ordinary. Therefore, parents have a hard time making comparisons with their own experiences and such. A lack of comparisons means they won't be able to predict how their daughter or son's lives will play out. After all, I would say most people would like to know what they are investing in.

I couldn't have said it better. I know for a fact that back home, there would be so many problems if such a marriage were to occur [between an older sister and a younger brother]. Not only would the parents disapprove, you'll probably have the entire family in opposition. More or less same thing with those families that have brought over their cultural baggage from back home. But times change.

That being said and done, I find the term maturity thrown about quiet a number of times. One thing I'd like to point out to people is when you say that a person is 'mature', maybe in one aspect of life he might be and in another he may not. You very well won't know until and unless you've seen him going through that. I've had people come to me and say I'm very mature. I understood what they were saying, but I found it to be very untrue, because sure I may be mature in the sense that I'm able to handle financial situations properly, or handle familial problems in a sensible manner. And at the same time, am not able to advance my 'maturity' when in comes to education because I'm a college-drop out and can't wrap my head around the concept of it. I may be immature in that sense.

Another point that I completely agree with, and it builds on what I was saying earlier regarding having to compromise. Some people are great in some areas and lack in others, it's a question of which quality you're willing to be open about. And even more than that, there's really no way you can know a person until your married and have lived with them for a while. So maturity is something that needs to be from within, it can't be acted out.

I would love to marry someone older than me. I find there to be so many things that I can learn from them.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on the topic.

Jazakallah for starting an interesting topic.

[EDIT] I just wanted to mention that the first post of the thread reminded me how a couple of months back, I had similar questions I wanted to ask other individuals. And that the feelings going through my heart were that 'I want to get married to an older woman, I wonder how it is?' (Perhaps brother Abu Sayyad is feeling the same way):coolious:

I guess you can put it this way: Abu Sayyad might...lets leave that for the Brother's section eh?

just to side track a little here. what difference does it make if the person is older or younger than you. i mean if the maturity etc is all there, then either way the age wouldn't matter, right? so basically you wouldn't really notice an age gap, whether they are older or younger than you...at least thats how i see it...
i hope that makes sense :hiding:

Well yeah that's true. But so far we've [or I've] agreed that what is seen as maturity at age 18 is different than what's seen as maturity at age 25. A person older [and hence more *mature*] will be more open to marrying someone younger.

but i do agree that males tend to mature a little later then females.
but i wonder if that differs with culture, etc. because i have realized that practicing brothers (and sisters) are quite mature for people their age. i mean compare them to the kuffar/bros and sis's not practicing...subhanallah there is quite a difference. i mean i remember once someone told my then 13 year old sister that she has a mind of a 30 year old :uuh:

Yes! Us growing up in the West, we're forming our own culture that is devoid of the cultural baggage from back home. We're more open to things that were probably taboo in cultures back home, not to mention that our identity is first and foremost Islamic and we see things through that lens. To give an example, Nikah Kitaba is something that family back home knows nothing about and it's something that they don't allow. A relative of mine [grew up in the West and married here too] got married by way of Nikah Kitaba. I think that's pretty cool.

you see, im inclined to think that most of those characteristics don't stem form maturity, but from good character.

maturity, to me, would be making clear what he wants from a marriage, being firm in his reslove about certain issues (not necessaruily marriage related) and issues like that. For eg: say the guy goes and sees the girl and has the preference/expectations in a wife such as that he will be the provider for his family. so he goes to the girl, etc and asks her what she thinks of this, only for her to say that she wants to work and help him out financially, etc

but because he is interested in getting married, he suddenly changes his preference and thinks "nah its ok if my wife works, its no big deal etc"...

so by changing his preference it shows he doesn't really know what he wants, and weakens when he sees what he wants in front of him, i.e the potential wife...

Good character - that's the missing point! You know, now that you mention it, I think this is why the Prophet said in the hadeeth: "If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, you should marry him. If you do not do so, there will be tribulations in the land and great evil." (Agreed upon by Tirmidhi and ibn Majah)

It's quite interesting because until now I hadn't thought of it this way, that the Prophet mentions good character, because good character includes within it maturity, understanding, compromising, caring and all the other things we were discussing about. So the real criterion should be good character because it's all-inclusive, and that is something that I believe has nothing to do with age, but rather the upbringing of the person.

Secondly, regarding compromising preferences, it's something that needs to be done. I can safely say that we'll never find our ideal spouse in this life, so we need to search for someone who's right for us, because the person that's right for us is the best person for us. And somethings can be compromised, I think a sister wanting to work is a bad example used to illustrate your point. If it's something in the religion, like prayer, or bad manners, then I agree with you, compromising these things because you think the sister looks good or something is foolish. But I guess to each his own.

like the "insecure guy" in this video that baba ali does. to, me that's not maturity, because he doesn't know what he wants and if your're looking for a spouse, then knowing what you want and what your looking for in a spouse, is the key to finding the right one.

Agreed.

and also, to me, being mature would be the way he conducts himself when looking for a wife. for eg (and even some sisters do this) they talk about marriage quite immaturely and drop these desperate little hints to people that they are looking. i sound like such a b**** -[), but it looks SOOOOOO wrong...mg::hiding:
i mean there's nothing wrong with dropping hints, but not when you do it the wrong way.

I mean I don't see a problem if a sister lets it be known that she's looking for marriage, albiet it needs to be done the proper way. Not throwing yourself out. I agree with you.

looool I love it!
reminds me of me being once interested in a bro because he did a really cool khutbah here :embarrass:embarrass:embarrass:

Maybe this'll be off topic, but what exactly are sisters looking for in a brother? If you had to make a top 5 qualities list, what would it have? Give me specifics, not ideals or the obvious points like deen and character.

yeh then i guess its different and depends on the brother. many men also want younger women too...

I think you're right.

My mom is 2, almost 3, years older than my dad, and they're great together mashallah. She was 29 and he was 27 (or 26? i always forget..) when they got married.

For me, the age of the person I'd like to marry is roughly something like:
A maximum of 5-7 years older.
A maximum of 2-3 years younger.

Although ultimately it all depends on the specific person. It also depends on the age I marry at. Like one sister said, there's a difference me being 25 and him 20, and my being 20 and him 15.

Age is just another thing to factor into the equation of deciding whether this specific person is right for you. It's not one of the main things, but it does play a small role. It can be easily overlooked though, when the age difference is more than what I'd usually look for, but the brother's personality and characteristics outweigh the difference in age.

So yeah, the age window I have (and i guess other people as well), is just a rough guideline, nothing is set in stone. Who knows, I could end up with someone 10 years my senior, or 8 years my junior. (although the latter is slightly creepy... he'd be 9 now.)

Jazakillah Khayr for your input, I'm pretty much in agreement with you here.

Yeah, I would agree with that.
I think the older you get, the more the difference in age seems to matter less.

I remember when I was in the first grade, the second and third graders were considered "big kids", and 8th graders were considered "huuuuge". Then in junior high, in the 7th grade, we would hang out with 7th and 8th graders. Now as a senior, I've got friends that are in the 10th and 11th grade, and friends in university, or who have graduated. So the younger you are, the more restricted you are in terms of befriending people from different ages, at least in my personal experience.

A 5 year difference is more of a restriction if the 2 people are 15 and 10, but as you get older, a 25 year old can interact just as well with a 20 year old as he or she can with a 30 year old. I guess perhaps it's because eventually a plateau is reached in regards to maturity, and the differences are slight, whereas the younger you are, the more obvious these differences are.

So as you grow older, the age window for marriage slowly widens.

Did anyone mention the biological factors here for why it is more often men that tend to not care what age their wives are? Men can produce almost all of their lives, while women tend to come to that place where having children is very, very difficult (or impossible).

That's true.

For me, 2 years younger max and 1-2 years older max. I'd prefer someone my age, 'cause of experience and same place in life. I have been introduced to merely men above my age for marriage, and I must say, even though these men where pious and religious, I just didn't see it, I found it wasn't for me. Of course I might change.

Psychological reasons for my attitude must probably be that all my life, men in our family and culture tend to "look down" at the woman they marry who most probably is a few years younger than him, then they'd go "Oh, she's still so unexperienced" and they question her intelligence, as if theirs is equal to Einstein's.

Whatever happens happens.

Lol @ Eisntein. I have to agree with you here, because I've seen this in my culture as well. Especially when there's a significant gap with the male being older, ego becomes a huge problem because it comes to the point that: "I'm older than her and I'm a male, I've been through a lot more than she has in life, how can she even dare to advise me?". It's quite sad.

i totally agree with u....
anyway to answer ur question. yes I would But i also dont mind marry somone lacking in the same areas if he's a little younger.
get me? i said before that if i was gonna marry somone younger than me then he'd be 1 yr or a couple of months younger more than that is a no.

I'm not completely convinced.

Im a sister and I will only marry a brother younger than me, not that age matters but Im really immature, it would be boring to live with someone too mature for me. It just wouldn't work for me, so I guess it depends on the individual.:smile:I 'love' how Li is turning into ummah slowly...

Awesome. Good to know that even in such a small demographic [an internet forum] we have different types of people.

AssalamuAlaykum

I'd wanna see/know how he interacts with others, especially elders in his family, his peers etc. And that knowledge would come after research obviously. Based on his deen, imaan and ilm too.

Wallahu A'lam. Some things just happen and getting to know these things is easier in some situations, Alhamdulillah :')

Ya know, despite everything that is being said about age being just a number, I'd feel real insecure with somebody more than a year younger than me.

It's a bit confusing with the anonymous accounts..

Anyway, I think insecurity might be due to what Sr. Skye posted earlier, how women have an emotional need for wanting someone older due to always having seen men as patriarchal figures. But nonetheless it's pretty intersting.

I think the reasons for that are...Hmm personal. But yah.

At the moment, if all goes well insha'Allah....the bro is 3 and a half years older than me and I think thats totally perfect masha'Allah walhamdulillah. A year or two here and there and I'd be a little undecisive about the whole thing.

May Allah (swt) grant us all pious partners and make them a means of happiness for us in this world and the hereafter. Ameen!

WassalamuAlaykum

May Allaah make it a success for you and Ameen to the Dua'.

 

[Intisar]

You're entitled to how you feel. But question is, how many men have you actually seen to be able to accuratly make that statement that they mature slower than women?

I guess it mostly has to do with how my parents are. My Dad is 10 years older than my mum, she got her nikaah done at 21, and he was 31. That's why I wouldn't mind marrying someone 10 years than older than me. And in all honesty, I believe men mature slower than women because of what I've been surrounded by. It may only be applied to my surroundings though lol. From observing my brother and cousins, I really started to believe it. But mashaa'Allaah it does not apply to all brothers, unfortunately the majority of brothers that I know pretty much prove my theory on maturity (if I can indeed call it that).

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

And like I mentioned before, you'll always have to compromise something, because perfection doesn't exist here. There are things for which you'll have to say "ok, I think I can be a bit leniant in this regard."

To be honest, and this isn't directed at you personally, but I don't totally like it when people say to not expect perfection, cuz I and many girls I know don't expect perfection. I'm fully aware that I have my own flaws which he'd have to live with, I'm aware that whoever he is, he will have his imperfections and I don't care about that and I will accept that. And actually wanting him to be older, and his being younger isn't really an imperfect on his part though nor is it really demanding on my part since it is just a preference. I did say I could potentially be lenient if need be.

Basically you need to get it from reliable sources that the brother is what you're looking for?

Yes. And that goes for somebody older too btw.

Cultural as in what though? It entails many things.

Cultural as in they know our family and they look at my dad thinking he's some sort Mullah from their village back home, so they can propose to his daughters and expect them to cook expert meals from day one of marriage, which is not bad cuz okay fine "a girls place is in the home." But they also expect the girl to look after their parents and okay fine, they do deserve respect but just as a mother in law deserves respect, she also needs to dish out a lil mercy too. And they want her to go to work and hand over the paycheck to the husband. And no, I'm not exaggerating but I wish I were.

If you want to know where I draw my limits then sure: I'll cook, clean, and look after the house, raise our kids the best I can according to the Quran and Sunnah and I wouldn't live with his parents but we could live close to them and he can even give them money and help them out whenever. Even I would be there for them if they need me, but I won't kill myself to be their slave. If I need to work then I will in the mornings since my major can let me get away with half day timings even as a therapist, and where my paycheck goes towards would be figured out so both of us are happy.

 

[Nawal89]

I'm only nineteen now so i definately will not consider marrying anyone younger than me at this time..

But what if i'm 26 and he's 24? I think yes I would consider then.

My dad is younger than my mom by 2 years and they're both very mature people. My dad was 29 when he got married and my mom was 31. When I think about it if I was my mothers age and a 28-29 year old guy came and proposed to me with all the characters i was looking for, I would consider it without a second thought. Simply because men at that age tend to be mature already ( Most I hope)

But now, I see 19-20 year old boys sooo immature and irresponsible. I come from a household where my dad hardly even jokes, and my mother is a teacher, sounds boring i know, but it isnt. My family is just a bunch of serious people. I don't think I could be with someone who sees a joke in everything, and has to hang out with thier friends at least 5 hours a day.

The thing that attracts me most to a guy is how he deals with his family and responsiblities, other than the deen and good character, looks etc. How he treats his mother, and sisters are important to me. How he spends his time. How much reading he does, compared to how much time he spends on the PS3.

 

[Yanal]

Asalam A'lakum Warakmatulah Wabarkatuh.
Sister Ameena that's the same age difference between my father & my mother.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Yes! Us growing up in the West, we're forming our own culture that is devoid of the cultural baggage from back home. We're more open to things that were probably taboo in cultures back home, not to mention that our identity is first and foremost Islamic and we see things through that lens. To give an example, Nikah Kitaba is something that family back home knows nothing about and it's something that they don't allow. A relative of mine [grew up in the West and married here too] got married by way of Nikah Kitaba. I think that's pretty cool.

whats Nikah kitaba :? :embarrass

Secondly, regarding compromising preferences, it's something that needs to be done.

i agree, i wasn't saying that it shouldn't be done---> just check the following quote...

I think a sister wanting to work is a bad example used to illustrate your point. If it's something in the religion, like prayer, or bad manners, then I agree with you, compromising these things because you think the sister looks good or something is foolish. But I guess to each his own.

akhee i think you may have misunderstood my point. it has nothing to do with whats permitted or not. my point was highlighting being sure in what you want form a spouse and not "deviating" from your reference/expectations simply because you have found a potential. its like for eg, a sister not wanting to live with her in laws, but when the brother tells her that living with his family is one of his conditions, she backs down from what she wants.

so in other words, she/he changes their simply because they want to get married.<---thats more like what ive been trying to say :hiding: i hope that makes sense.

I mean I don't see a problem if a sister lets it be known that she's looking for marriage, albiet it needs to be done the proper way. Not throwing yourself out. I agree with you.

thats what i mean. it looks sooo wrong:$. and it makes them look so cheap too :/

 

[anonymous]

Maybe this'll be off topic, but what exactly are sisters looking for in a brother? If you had to make a top 5 qualities list, what would it have? Give me specifics, not ideals or the obvious points like deen and character.

to let her be in touch with her family even though most her married life may revolve around his family. not to cut her off from her family, without a valid (Islamic) reason. wallahi ive seen it

to respect her family, not slander them etc. he doesnt have to necessarily love them or anything, but at the very least, respect them becuse they are his wife's family and respect them for her sake.

getting along with his mother/sisters. and not to mention that weirdo mentality where after shes married to him, his mum is her mum (apparently) and she practically never hears of her mum again :rollseyes

to mediate between his mother and wife if they don't get along. even if nothing works out with him, he should at least try to make peace between them, and not blame his wife for everything that may go wrong between her and his mum.

not expected to sit with any non-mahrams (eg bros in law, etc). it sounds stupid, but i have seen where the brother expects his wife to sit with his brothers

not to over exercise the fact that she has to obey him/use it against her, etc and not for him to use that as a power/egotistical thing. you know how some brothers take it as a "manly thing" and use it to make their "heads swell" and use it to make themselves look all tough. again, its just so wrong. so to sum up: be lenient in his authority over her.

not to physically/mentally, etc abuse her

be kind to her in front of her children. don't slander/degrade her in front of them i mean if the kids see their dads treating their mums good, then they will probably know how to treat their future wives/women in general as well.

be a good father

be physically attractive

to have a srtong (but moderate) sense of gheerah.

to appreciate her, and not use her as his maid (and help her out too and not be lazy ^o)). i mean most sisters would probably love to cook and clean for their husbands out of love for them, and not because "your the women, then that means your the maid."

just to generally love and respect her and be patient with her "weaknesses" as a woman.you know how girls tend to be a lot more emotional, etc than men.


oh and how COULD i have forgotten: NO CO-WIVES

:'( :hiding:


i know you only said five, but they are the most important to me, and unfortunately its over five lol

seriously though, above all, i think you know who "the one" is once you see them and sit and talk with with them (in the halaal way of course), etc. i think when that happens, then you know that they are the one, regardless of what you may want/expect.

 

[Mehedi Hasan]

huh? ^o)

Ok, insallah...

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I guess it mostly has to do with how my parents are. My Dad is 10 years older than my mum, she got her nikaah done at 21, and he was 31. That's why I wouldn't mind marrying someone 10 years than older than me. And in all honesty, I believe men mature slower than women because of what I've been surrounded by. It may only be applied to my surroundings though lol. From observing my brother and cousins, I really started to believe it. But mashaa'Allaah it does not apply to all brothers, unfortunately the majority of brothers that I know pretty much prove my theory on maturity (if I can indeed call it that).

Ok, that makes sense.

To be honest, and this isn't directed at you personally, but I don't totally like it when people say to not expect perfection, cuz I and many girls I know don't expect perfection. I'm fully aware that I have my own flaws which he'd have to live with, I'm aware that whoever he is, he will have his imperfections and I don't care about that and I will accept that. And actually wanting him to be older, and his being younger isn't really an imperfect on his part though nor is it really demanding on my part since it is just a preference. I did say I could potentially be lenient if need be.

I think it was a bad choice of words from me. By perfection, I meant that he'll be the ideal husband that you have in mind, even if he has flaws. I get your point now though, and I sort of agree.

Cultural as in they know our family and they look at my dad thinking he's some sort Mullah from their village back home, so they can propose to his daughters and expect them to cook expert meals from day one of marriage, which is not bad cuz okay fine "a girls place is in the home." But they also expect the girl to look after their parents and okay fine, they do deserve respect but just as a mother in law deserves respect, she also needs to dish out a lil mercy too. And they want her to go to work and hand over the paycheck to the husband. And no, I'm not exaggerating but I wish I were.

If you want to know where I draw my limits then sure: I'll cook, clean, and look after the house, raise our kids the best I can according to the Quran and Sunnah and I wouldn't live with his parents but we could live close to them and he can even give them money and help them out whenever. Even I would be there for them if they need me, but I won't kill myself to be their slave. If I need to work then I will in the mornings since my major can let me get away with half day timings even as a therapist, and where my paycheck goes towards would be figured out so both of us are happy.

Right, that makes sense since I've seen those kinds of expectations when people tried to get married to my cousins. I'm not directing this at you, but generally, I'm pretty sure if looked around there are brothers who are from the same 'culture' but do not carry those expectations, at least to that level. I don't find myself disagreeing with anything you've said here, you're pretty much on the dot

I'm only nineteen now so i definately will not consider marrying anyone younger than me at this time..

But what if i'm 26 and he's 24? I think yes I would consider then.

My dad is younger than my mom by 2 years and they're both very mature people. My dad was 29 when he got married and my mom was 31. When I think about it if I was my mothers age and a 28-29 year old guy came and proposed to me with all the characters i was looking for, I would consider it without a second thought. Simply because men at that age tend to be mature already ( Most I hope)

But now, I see 19-20 year old boys sooo immature and irresponsible. I come from a household where my dad hardly even jokes, and my mother is a teacher, sounds boring i know, but it isnt. My family is just a bunch of serious people. I don't think I could be with someone who sees a joke in everything, and has to hang out with thier friends at least 5 hours a day.

The thing that attracts me most to a guy is how he deals with his family and responsiblities, other than the deen and good character, looks etc. How he treats his mother, and sisters are important to me. How he spends his time. How much reading he does, compared to how much time he spends on the PS3.

Jazakillah Khayr for your input. I guess a safe conclusion to make would be: A girl's outlook is shaped by what she's seen in her family and what she's experienced.

whats Nikah kitaba :? :embarrass

It's when the Nikah occurs and the couple is legally married [they can be alone with each other] but the consummation is held off. See this:

http://www.islamicboard.com/604645-post1.html

akhee i think you may have misunderstood my point. it has nothing to do with whats permitted or not. my point was highlighting being sure in what you want form a spouse and not "deviating" from your reference/expectations simply because you have found a potential. its like for eg, a sister not wanting to live with her in laws, but when the brother tells her that living with his family is one of his conditions, she backs down from what she wants.

so in other words, she/he changes their simply because they want to get married.<---thats more like what ive been trying to say :hiding: i hope that makes sense.

I get your point now, and I agree. Generally, you shouldn't let down your expectations and preferences. But what if the potential spouse is really very ideal for you?

to let her be in touch with her family even though most her married life may revolve around his family. not to cut her off from her family, without a valid (Islamic) reason. wallahi ive seen it

to respect her family, not slander them etc. he doesnt have to necessarily love them or anything, but at the very least, respect them becuse they are his wife's family and respect them for her sake.

getting along with his mother/sisters. and not to mention that weirdo mentality where after shes married to him, his mum is her mum (apparently) and she practically never hears of her mum again :rollseyes

to mediate between his mother and wife if they don't get along. even if nothing works out with him, he should at least try to make peace between them, and not blame his wife for everything that may go wrong between her and his mum.

not expected to sit with any non-mahrams (eg bros in law, etc). it sounds stupid, but i have seen where the brother expects his wife to sit with his brothers

not to over exercise the fact that she has to obey him/use it against her, etc and not for him to use that as a power/egotistical thing. you know how some brothers take it as a "manly thing" and use it to make their "heads swell" and use it to make themselves look all tough. again, its just so wrong. so to sum up: be lenient in his authority over her.

not to physically/mentally, etc abuse her

be kind to her in front of her children. don't slander/degrade her in front of them i mean if the kids see their dads treating their mums good, then they will probably know how to treat their future wives/women in general as well.

be a good father

be physically attractive

to have a srtong (but moderate) sense of gheerah.

to appreciate her, and not use her as his maid (and help her out too and not be lazy ^o)). i mean most sisters would probably love to cook and clean for their husbands out of love for them, and not because "your the women, then that means your the maid."

just to generally love and respect her and be patient with her "weaknesses" as a woman.you know how girls tend to be a lot more emotional, etc than men.


oh and how COULD i have forgotten: NO CO-WIVES

:'( :hiding:


i know you only said five, but they are the most important to me, and unfortunately its over five lol

seriously though, above all, i think you know who "the one" is once you see them and sit and talk with with them (in the halaal way of course), etc. i think when that happens, then you know that they are the one, regardless of what you may want/expect.

I see, Jazakillah Khayr.

 

[Re.TiReD]

Anyway, I think insecurity might be due to what Sr. Skye posted earlier, how women have an emotional need for wanting someone older due to always having seen men as patriarchal figures. But nonetheless it's pretty intersting.

AssalamuAlaykum

Gah! I dislike the way psychology leaves no room for individuality. But you may be right. Not in my case though.

May Allaah make it a success for you and Ameen to the Dua'.

Thumma Ameen, JazakAllah khayr

WassalamuAlaykum

 

[Snowflake]

Maybe this'll be off topic, but what exactly are sisters looking for in a brother? If you had to make a top 5 qualities list, what would it have? Give me specifics, not ideals or the obvious points like deen and character.

Apart from the obvious..

1. Never make fun of her or let her feel you don't think she is able to do something e.g. When she puts on weight after childbirth, don't tell her that you think she will never be able to lose it. A wife feels 100 times stronger and able to cope knowing she has her husband's support.

2. Don't reserve affection for intimate times only. Hold hands or lean against her when sitting and watching even the news (lol). A woman feels loved and wanted by these little things.

3. Even if you are tired from work, never let more than a day go by when you don't offer help with household chores/cooking etc. A loved and cared for wife wont want her husband coming home after work and doing more work, so she is most likely to say no. But you will have earned love and respect by asking. However when kids come along, do help her without asking.

4. Take note of what is needed in the house. Shop at weekends when you can help wife. Also never ever expect or let her do heavy men's jobs like heavy lifting etc. Appreciate and love her femininity.


5. Got a headache, laters inshaAllah.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

It's when the Nikah occurs and the couple is legally married [they can be alone with each other] but the consummation is held off. See this:

http://www.islamicboard.com/604645-post1.html

jazakallahu khair.

I get your point now, and I agree. Generally, you shouldn't let down your expectations and preferences. But what if the potential spouse is really very ideal for you?

It'll first have to depend on what it is.
For me personally, most my preferences/expectations are based on the possible affect these qualities would have on our relationship after we're married. In other words, if he didn’t have those qualities that i was after, then it could lead to potential trouble for us. So that’s why I have them set and are firm about them, because if they weren’t there, it'll lead to trouble, because I know it’s a big deal for me, and . So, most likely (for me personally) i probably wouldn't change my preferences, because if he didn't have them, then he's not really the ideal guy for me. get me?

 

[BNDGR]

Asalam alaikum,
In the past I would have agreed with the man being about 5 yrs older than me, but now I would say it doesn't matter, you look at a person for who they are, there compatability with you, thier personality, thier goals and desires for the future, & thier maturity.
I'm older than some of you so my views have changed but you can't judge a person based on thier age only, without knowing anything about them.

 

[ardianto]

For brothers, would you marry a sister older than you? How much older would you consider? Why?

I can't answer this question. I'm married, my wife is 6 months younger.
But I know few youth (brother) who want to marry 40 yrs old woman when they are 25.
I'm sure every muslims in this forum know the reason why they want to do that.