desperate and in complete despair for the first time in my life

[anonymous]

i come from a typical, non practising, pakistani family with backward ideas
i am the only one who tries to practise but even thats been put on hold now, because of my deprression.

In a years time or maybe 2 years if the are extremely lenient, i will be shipped to pakistan to marry a cousin, uneductaed, obese, dark (not thats theres anything wrong with being dark), and without a speck of imaan, someone who lies and cheats in the footsteps of his and my wider family.

i am a very cheery member of this forum and have been since it first began. you wud be suprised if i revealed my identity!, for the first time in my life, i have felt complete and utter despair. i have been thru alot in my short life, my childhood was loveless and brutal, i suffered migraines as a child!!, and now i expected things to get better, have waited for so long, just to find this!.

if suicide wasnt harm, i would have long ended my life (as i attempted many times in my childhood)
if drinking wasnt haram, i would drink unitl i wud pass out.

but i can do nothing
nothing.
just sit here and hear the blood pound in my head

plz help

 

[Muhammad]

Wa Alaykum Assalaam

Thread Approved.

I'm sorry to hear about this. Allaah (swt) is whose help is sought.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

ahh that's really sad, if you're a sister, you can come live with meeeeee! just be patient but don't be quite, do voice your thoughts so that ur rents know, and if you really are a cheerful person keep smiling honest, imsad am sorry you're goin thru all dis, jus mek dua, too much :'( is bad for ur health, n pls dun even think about suicide or waheva it isn't worth it and plus no 1 can force you in2 somethin u dun like, not even ur rents, all ur life theyve mde ur decisions for you, ask dem to atleast let u, jus dis once hav a say in this,

ahh all the best. imsad

Anon#2

 

[Faye]

i come from a typical, non practising, pakistani family with backward ideas
i am the only one who tries to practise but even thats been put on hold now, because of my deprression.

You need Allah's help even more so in your depression. You shouldn't cut off your links to the only One who has the power to help you. Pray and offer du'a and do istikhara, (maybe this cousin will be good for you in someway, nothing is impossible for Allah)

In a years time or maybe 2 years if the are extremely lenient, i will be shipped to pakistan to marry a cousin, uneductaed, obese, dark (not thats theres anything wrong with being dark), and without a speck of imaan, someone who lies and cheats in the footsteps of his and my wider family.

Hey, I am Pakistani and resent the commentary. The majority of Pakistanis are not obese (the US, I believe has still got the highest obesity rate) , without imaan, cheaters or liars. Can't argue with the dark or uneducated part but,
a. if there is nothing wrong with being dark, why did you even mention it, especially in the middle of a list of bad qualities
b. you wouldn't call Pakistanis dark if you stood them up next to Africans. They only look dark when you compare them to these goras, whose skin isn't even white, but splochy pink, and peels in the slightest bit of sun in a most unbeautiful manner;D. (apologies to any goras listening in)
and
c. most Pakistanis are uneducated due to lack of opportunity. Give them the opportunity and they'll study their socks off.

i am a very cheery member of this forum and have been since it first began. you wud be suprised if i revealed my identity!

Good for you!!

, for the first time in my life, i have felt complete and utter despair. i have been thru alot in my short life, my childhood was loveless and brutal, i suffered migraines as a child!!, and now i expected things to get better, have waited for so long, just to find this!.

Very sorry about your childhood but it is over, and insha'allah your Akhirat will be wonderful as a reward for this.

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Abu Yahya Suhaib bin Sinan (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him".
[Muslim].


[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]37. Abu Sa`id and Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (PBUH) said: "Never a believer is stricken with a discomfort, an illness, an anxiety, a grief or mental worry or even the pricking of a thorn but Allah will expiate his sins on account of his patience".
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]. [/FONT]

if suicide wasnt harm, i would have long ended my life (as i attempted many times in my childhood)
if drinking wasnt haram, i would drink unitl i wud pass out.

but i can do nothing

If you are that desperate than there are many paths open to you that aren't to others. I am not saying you should take them, just showing you the other choices

1. You could try saying no and sticking to it. Since you don't care much about life anyway, they shouldn't be able to do much to force you to say yes, and there can be no legal marriage, let alone Islamic marriage without the woman's consent.
2. The whole shipping you off thing sounds ominious. Can they actually force you on a plane and transport you back while you are shrieking your head off, and saying they have bombs in their bags and are holding you hostage?
3. You could try gaining support from influential family members / family friends. Ask for asylum from your own friends. You're an adult and need not be dependant on your family.
4. Finally, (and this is a move of real desperation) If you are Pakistani, you are most likely Hanafi, and Hanafi Mazhab allows a girl to arrange her own marriage (with proper hijaab and everything). If you have a good candidate in mind (good in the Islaamic sense as well), you can marry him. But I really don't suggest just getting married to spite your cousin. If the candidate isn't really good, don't even think of it. It may just be getting out of the frying pan into the fire.
5. Actually, there are these feminist groups in Pakistan that try to help in cases of forced marriages and so on, usually with media publicity, court cases and so on. You might wish to contact them if all the previous don't work. I bet you can find contact info on the web

nothing.

just sit here and hear the blood pound in my head

plz help

[/quote]

So, plenty of things to do, salaat, du'a, istikhara, corruption of family members and friends, thinking up good accusations to shreik while being carted off on a plane, shrieking the, in case of need, leavig home and finding a husband candidate (in case of very extreme need), finding contact information on evil, bloodsucking feminist groups and contacting them, (in case of even extremer need)...and don't forget salaat and du'a in the middle of all this...they are probably the most effective of them all.

 

[Faye]

Oh one other thing on your to do list, you have to apologize to Pakistanis who may have been hurt by your comments about them...after all i am not all that fat, am i....am i..., I mean 130 pounds for somebody who is almost 5ft 2in, isn't reaaaaallly fat, maybe healthy, but not obeese, not really... i must have heavy bones or something, don't you agree?

 

[noorseeker]

she was refering to her cousin as bein obese, not pakistanis in general, sister such harsh words from you, she's asking for help, not to be critised

 

[Tania]

The honesty its everything . I prefer it too, so you should speak with your cousin about the prospective marriage. Tell him the simple true. I don't think he will wish to carry on with the wedding.

 

[DaNgErOuS MiNdS]

aslaamalaiakum sister, sad to hear you are being put in such a situation, I would say that it doesnt matter about the weight or colour as long as he has imaan but from your description it doesnt seem he has that either. If you're parents are trying to force you, using emotional then you should make a stand no matter what because if you arent happy then there is no way the marriage work and obviously because its totally against Islam.



I friend of mine got married to someone he didnt want to because his parents were so worried about not upsetting his wife's parents they just got it done, without worrying about what he had to say. Now after so long he still doesnt care for his wife and its all messed up.

Have you actually told your parents that yoou dont want to get married to him?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

please please please speak up if you dont wanna marry someone, I didnt and know this are horrible, I live everyday in misery.. dont let this happen to yourself..

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

subhanAllaah... stream those tears during the third portion of the nights... soften the hearts of ur family...

try your best to make them understand

DO NOT DESPAIR!!

DONT!


JUST DONT!!

THINGS CAN AND WILL GET BETTER INSHALLAAH!!


even if things look down now.. they WILL look up... things MUST always go up after down.. inna maal usri yusra

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Thank u all for ur wise words, especially the above, simple words like that help so much.

As for sister Faye, you think this is all very funny. I did not want an essay telling me off for calling people fat or dark, i just said these things because im upset.

"Very sorry about your childhood but it is over"

Doesnt seem like ur very sorry at all, telling me bluntly 'its over'. you must have had a wonderful life, so do thank Allah.

He is not educated due to lack of oppturnity, he simply feels he does not need an education or job as he can depend mostly on me when he arrives here ( which he thinks is his birthright ).as for speaking to him, im not allowed, it may lead to an honour killing .....and im not joking, so no jokes please.

As for speaking my about my feelings to my parents i have voiced myself many times, quoted hadiths only to be told that i am very shameless for disobeying my parents and voicing myself.They think that i am up myself for refusing him and have asked me exactly who i think i am to refuse, giving me the example of every female in all our generations who have bowed their heads in obedience to this command.

the worst part is that my father married my mother from outside the family and did not marry his uncles daughter. therefore the uncle and my entire fathers family despise my mother and our family, except my father, whom they consider their own blood.

they plot day and night (infact the day i was born) to get to me through marriage so they can make my life a misery and so punish my mother for stealing their nephew. my mother and i r the only ones who realise this, my father is oblivious to this and refuses to hear a word against his beloved aunite and uncle, and will pay them in any price to compensate for not marrying their daughter.

All these yrs later, i am that price.I am being sold.

I had some strength to bear the burden of this knowledge until the one person whom i trusted to support me, my mother told me blatantly a few days ago, that she would not support me (she is a timid and tortured woman, living in the shadow of her husband), she said she would not jepordise her own marriage to support me, as my father would turn his fury upon her if she shows any refusal.

Thats when i broke inside and wrote this, i have not been sleeping or eating well. I shall continue to ask Allah Almighty for help, but there are such lovely people on this forum whom i respect greatly, especially, like brother muhammed, who run the forum. i would like all your Duas please, knowing that u prayed for me will make SO happy.

 

[snakelegs]

i come from a typical, non practising, pakistani family with backward ideas
i am the only one who tries to practise but even thats been put on hold now, because of my deprression.

In a years time or maybe 2 years if the are extremely lenient, i will be shipped to pakistan to marry a cousin, uneductaed, obese, dark (not thats theres anything wrong with being dark), and without a speck of imaan, someone who lies and cheats in the footsteps of his and my wider family.

i am a very cheery member of this forum and have been since it first began. you wud be suprised if i revealed my identity!, for the first time in my life, i have felt complete and utter despair. i have been thru alot in my short life, my childhood was loveless and brutal, i suffered migraines as a child!!, and now i expected things to get better, have waited for so long, just to find this!.

if suicide wasnt harm, i would have long ended my life (as i attempted many times in my childhood)
if drinking wasnt haram, i would drink unitl i wud pass out.

but i can do nothing
nothing.
just sit here and hear the blood pound in my head

plz help

i hear your despair and pain although i simply can't imagine being in your situation..
all i can say is that it is not true that you can do nothing. you do not have to allow yourself to be shoveled off like a sack of potatoes. it is illegal (in the west) and unislamic besides.
you must do whatever you can do to fight this. if you can possibly find other pakistani girls who agree with you on this stuff (and i know there are many) try to connect with them.
i am sure it seems like life is closing in on you and you are being fed the belief that you have no choice. it is not true. you must do everything you can to save your life - no matter how hard it will be - the other is unthinkable.
please, don't ever give up.

 

[DaNgErOuS MiNdS]

Thank u all for ur wise words, especially the above, simple words like that help so much.

As for sister Faye, you think this is all very funny. I did not want an essay telling me off for calling people fat or dark, i just said these things because im upset.

"Very sorry about your childhood but it is over"

Doesnt seem like ur very sorry at all, telling me bluntly 'its over'. you must have had a wonderful life, so do thank Allah.

He is not educated due to lack of oppturnity, he simply feels he does not need an education or job as he can depend mostly on me when he arrives here ( which he thinks is his birthright ).as for speaking to him, im not allowed, it may lead to an honour killing .....and im not joking, so no jokes please.

As for speaking my about my feelings to my parents i have voiced myself many times, quoted hadiths only to be told that i am very shameless for disobeying my parents and voicing myself.They think that i am up myself for refusing him and have asked me exactly who i think i am to refuse, giving me the example of every female in all our generations who have bowed their heads in obedience to this command.

the worst part is that my father married my mother from outside the family and did not marry his uncles daughter. therefore the uncle and my entire fathers family despise my mother and our family, except my father, whom they consider their own blood.

they plot day and night (infact the day i was born) to get to me through marriage so they can make my life a misery and so punish my mother for stealing their nephew. my mother and i r the only ones who realise this, my father is oblivious to this and refuses to hear a word against his beloved aunite and uncle, and will pay them in any price to compensate for not marrying their daughter.

All these yrs later, i am that price.I am being sold.

I had some strength to bear the burden of this knowledge until the one person whom i trusted to support me, my mother told me blatantly a few days ago, that she would not support me (she is a timid and tortured woman, living in the shadow of her husband), she said she would not jepordise her own marriage to support me, as my father would turn his fury upon her if she shows any refusal.

Thats when i broke inside and wrote this, i have not been sleeping or eating well. I shall continue to ask Allah Almighty for help, but there are such lovely people on this forum whom i respect greatly, especially, like brother muhammed, who run the forum. i would like all your Duas please, knowing that u prayed for me will make SO happy.

It's a sad situation, not just you but all the brothers and sisters who are also in your position. As you know this is very common in the Pakistani, Bengali culture not sure about others but I have heard many stories. I think you keep at it a no matter what, dont give in especially with what you have explained. The marriage cannot simply happen, tell your dad and any other senior family members who could possible influence your parents. These things so common in Pakistani families and that part you said about your parents reply about ''examples of every female in all our generations who have bowed their heads in obedience to this command'' is such a weak argument, really rings bells for me n all.

man, It really gets to me whan hearing this (there was another thread about something similar to this aswell), if it comes down to it there are things the government can do to help you aswell, leave it as a last resort but keep it in mind because its not worth ruining your life over this marriage.


insha'Allah you get through this situation, and Always keep faith dont forget the trials and tribulations we must face be strong sis. May Allah swt help you, make you happy, guide you your family and may Allah swt help you find the pefect husband for you.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Forced marriages are not valid under Islam. They are also illegal in the country that you live in (I'm guessing that it's Britain, given that you are Pakistani). I'm sure that the Government could help, there are NGOs and charities that sort out this kind of thing.

 

[Tania]

Tell to your father: when i will be ask during the nikkah if i want to marry with the cousin i will say NO. THey can't say they heard the yes. See what will say your father.

If i understood well you are not living in Pakistan ,right :?

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

You cannot be married off without your permission. Islaam gives you the right to refuse the marriage. So please, if you do not want to get married to that person, be proactive in finding a way out but do it in a manner that doesn't raise any suspicion and doesn't involve any haraam. You are not seeking to harm your parents here, but you are only trying to obtain the right that has been given to you from Allaah. If you sit each day without doing anything, you are only moving closer to that which you hate. So find a way out, speak to Imaams, explain your situation. Shaykh Yaser Birjas (AlMaghrib) is an excellent person that comes to mind. And make much dua' with certainty that Allaah will reply.

May Allaah ease your situation and guide those who are oppressing you.

 

[Cabdullahi]

i come from a typical, non practising, pakistani family with backward ideas
i am the only one who tries to practise but even thats been put on hold now, because of my deprression.

In a years time or maybe 2 years if the are extremely lenient, i will be shipped to pakistan to marry a cousin, uneductaed, obese, dark (not thats theres anything wrong with being dark), and without a speck of imaan, someone who lies and cheats in the footsteps of his and my wider family.

i am a very cheery member of this forum and have been since it first began. you wud be suprised if i revealed my identity!, for the first time in my life, i have felt complete and utter despair. i have been thru alot in my short life, my childhood was loveless and brutal, i suffered migraines as a child!!, and now i expected things to get better, have waited for so long, just to find this!.

if suicide wasnt harm, i would have long ended my life (as i attempted many times in my childhood)
if drinking wasnt haram, i would drink unitl i wud pass out.

but i can do nothing
nothing.
just sit here and hear the blood pound in my head

plz help

People still have issues with 'dark'...i am no exception i am also afraid of the dark

 

[Musaafirah]

Yaar I really feel for you..It's hurtful to know that your parents are against you, but pray to Allah, as Allah always hears the duahs of the oppressed.
You're in my duahs sis.

 

[jannat]

hey, hope ur in the best of health and imaan inshallah.i really hope Allah SWT makes things easy for you inshallah. must be really hard for you, forget the past and look towards the future. I really hope Allah SWT helps, i will be honest i have these fears, i ve been thru stuff and thought the same, if i was a non muslim(Alhamduillah am muslim), I Probably would have hurt/harm myself /health.

Marriage hey, ur a sis rite, what do we gals have to put to hey, am nt complaining to Allah swt and may he forgive me, and dont mean to generalise but from my observation. we have to put up wid alot.. we worry abt what we get , if the spouse we get will be suitable..
at least pious.. if its nt that then the in laws.. we have to live wid a new family, we have to adapt, adopt , mould, fit in, comprimise(most of the times)and accept, keep everyone happy, alhamduillah protect ourselves from the haram out there and pray to god that the man we get is the same...., sometimes it feels that we settle for second best, (this dunya is a mans world. it looks like they enjoy it more than we do) am nt married yet, but i do fear things , i really hope Allah SWT works someting out for you inshallah. You work so hard in his path, you make the effort and hope that he will give you the reward inshallah. Dont worry, doesnt give you anyfin ! just keep asking for help and keep praying, that bit advice i need to give to myself before yourself..

May Allah SWT give us all good spouses and keeps us on the siratul mustaqeem inshallah.

 

[Faye]

Sorry, if my misplaced humour offended