truth finder
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This personal story is the product of my own struggle with doubt and questions about my own belief, when I was going through a very difficult time in my life. "Do I have my current belief, just because I blindly believe what I was taught to believe by others or because in the worst case scenario I am brainwashed by the whole religious system just like in former communist countries?" This thought had bothered me for a while. But I did not tell others about my struggle for fear that I would be mocked and rejected by them. I really wanted to find the answer myself and started to read the whole Bible. Of course we were not supposed to question our belief and our scripture. But with courage and curiosity I decided to start my journey of investigation. I read the whole scripture with the mind that I might have been educated to believe what I was told by others or that I might have been brainwashed by the whole religious system. During my own investigation to find the truth, I met my God personally and intimately instead of rejecting him. I found God is very close to me instead of far away.
About twenty years ago I came to the United States for a PhD in theoretical physics. I was an ambitious young student who wanted to make a major breakthrough discovery in physics, earning recognition and awards from physics community and general public. During this period I became a Christian. After finishing the PhD we went to Europe for two years of research and came to the current place about ten years ago. Because I wanted to continue scientific research in academia as a professor, I worked hard to build up more research experience to apply for a faculty position at universities. So far I had five interviews with various universities and five more in industry. In particular job competition in academia is so strong that typically more than one hundred people apply for one opening from all over the world. Since usually three candidates are invited for interview, having an interview in academia and industry alike was a very exciting experience with a lot of expectation. Because of this high expectation, however, the disappointment following after failure is also tremendous, and unfortunately it came to me as reality as many as ten times in a row. On one occasion the chairperson of the search committee talked to me privately that he would be most pleased if I come, but it did not happen. I simply could not accept the reality that I have got none of them! One failure after another has led me into deep disappointment and bitterness toward everything. Furthermore the majority of my friends have already reached their career goals. From the worldly point of view, many of them did not do better than me at school and their research was not better than mine after the PhD. Nothing happened the way I wanted it and the way they should have happened. I could not stand the reality any more.
Why must I struggle here for so many years for nothing? “God, are you really taking care of me? What is wrong with me? Are you angry with me? This world is surely not fair!” Out of desperation I came to the point where I screamed to God, “God, I acknowledge you saved me from eternal condemnation through faith in Jesus Christ, but I do not think you continue to care for me afterwards. It seems as if you were only interested in bringing me into your family, but leaving me behind helpless. God, now you are making a terrible mistake to me. You said in 1 Corinthians 10:13, ‘No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.’ God, it does not apply to me. This trial is certainly beyond what I can bear. I am already crushed. Instead of getting closer to you as a result of this trial, I am getting more sour to you and more distant from you. God, you are miscalculating about me. God, I am really disappointed with you. If you give me a job today at Harvard University, the best university in the world, I may accept it but I will never thank you because of that. The words, thanks and gratitude, have left me for good and now there are no such words in my dictionary. I assure you, God, that these words will never come out of my mouth again until I breathe my last breath!”
Then, to make things even worse, I started having a health problem not long ago. In the past ten months I had to have two surgeries for the first time in my life. Besides these operations, I had to go through various tests to check if the cancer in my stomach has spread to the other parts of the body. I thought people with this kind of disease were living on a different planet, but suddenly found myself stepping one of my feet onto that unknown world. Everything started falling apart in my life. My life seemed to be being finished. I reached the bottom of my life. I literally cried out to God. “God, what is this now? I am still young. I have a young family who totally depend on me. What do you want more from me? Are you determined to destroy me completely, both in and out?” To my surprise and shame I found years of my Christian belief rooted on sand, shaky and unstable ground. Although I went to the church every Sunday and read the Bible regularly, I did not really come close to God to know and meet him personally. At that time my belief was all about a religion trying to keep the rules, rituals and traditions out of duty or out of fear of punishment, not about a loving relationship with the Creator of my very own soul. I had to begin to research the bible to find out what trust really is, and most of all who God really is.
Exodus 14:13-14 is one of the passages I found very encouraging and instructing to help me get out of the pain of self-condemnation, self-pity and self-denial. In the midst of trial I was able to understand and experience what trust is. This passage eventually helped me replace my anger with thanks and my fear with trust, and restore my broken relationship with God. Here is the bible text in Exodus 14:13-14. This is what Moses told the people of Israel terrified in front of the Red sea while watching the mighty Egyptian army chasing after them behind. ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.’ During the storm I met my personal God for the first time, not the kind of God I speculated in my imagination. Before God, I was able to see what was really at the bottom of my heart: Pride, arrogance, stubbornness, self-righteousness, superiority and other self-centered desires disguised as something decent. In fact I was trying to use God for my own self-actualization. God was my personal Genie. I simply fell on my knees and confessed to God, “You are my Creator and I am your mere creature. Without you I am only a dust floating around in the massive universe without meaning and purpose. Only with you I find the meaning and true identity of my existence.” I am happy my “great” sin was completely forgiven, because on the cross Jesus Christ already paid the penalty on my behalf. Before God, my own problems that once looked very great became much smaller. They were eventually resolved not the way I wanted it originally, but the way that turned out to be the best later. Now all things seem to have returned to what they were before except two things: surgery scars and the heart. Yes, now I have a new heart! The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.
I believe our God allowed all these trials to me for a purpose, for a reason. I do not think all the disappointment, frustration, bitterness and fear I have gone through were meaningless. As I look back now, I believe God allowed me to go through them in order for my faith to grow to the next level of maturity, which otherwise would not be possible. Job 23:10 says, ‘But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.’ Romans 8:28 says, ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’ Now I thank God even for the cancer I struggled with recently. Because of the disease, I learned to love and trust my God more, learned to be more thankful for everything, learned to have more compassion for other people, learned to resist better the temptation of lust and selfishness. God’s words have an amazing power that turned my anger, disappointment and fear into joy, thanks and freedom. I was transformed from a caterpillar into a butterfly that flies high into the world of the love of God. Thanks! Finally in the middle of the suffering I was able to taste this precious word that once was lost but now was found. Now I have a new heart of joy, thanks and freedom. Now my spiritual walk with God is really the process of correcting my misunderstandings about him one at a time, developing a more intimate and loving relationship with the Creator of the universe and my own soul.
I have reached the current spiritual stage as a result of doubt and questions on my belief. I strongly encourage you to do the same to meet God more intimately. God is not far way, but very close and personal. The infinite God cannot be defined by a few lines of any religious rules and traditions. In fact this is one of the greatest mistakes people make, namely, not seeing God as He really is but seeing God as a few lines of their religious rules and traditions are! The infinite God waits to be explored and known more by His creatures. The infinitely gracious God is not offended by honest questions and doubt of His tiny creatures. According to the Bible, God was not bothered by our honesty, but actually encouraged it to know Him more intimately and personally! This I found out by myself hard in the middle of trial.
About twenty years ago I came to the United States for a PhD in theoretical physics. I was an ambitious young student who wanted to make a major breakthrough discovery in physics, earning recognition and awards from physics community and general public. During this period I became a Christian. After finishing the PhD we went to Europe for two years of research and came to the current place about ten years ago. Because I wanted to continue scientific research in academia as a professor, I worked hard to build up more research experience to apply for a faculty position at universities. So far I had five interviews with various universities and five more in industry. In particular job competition in academia is so strong that typically more than one hundred people apply for one opening from all over the world. Since usually three candidates are invited for interview, having an interview in academia and industry alike was a very exciting experience with a lot of expectation. Because of this high expectation, however, the disappointment following after failure is also tremendous, and unfortunately it came to me as reality as many as ten times in a row. On one occasion the chairperson of the search committee talked to me privately that he would be most pleased if I come, but it did not happen. I simply could not accept the reality that I have got none of them! One failure after another has led me into deep disappointment and bitterness toward everything. Furthermore the majority of my friends have already reached their career goals. From the worldly point of view, many of them did not do better than me at school and their research was not better than mine after the PhD. Nothing happened the way I wanted it and the way they should have happened. I could not stand the reality any more.
Why must I struggle here for so many years for nothing? “God, are you really taking care of me? What is wrong with me? Are you angry with me? This world is surely not fair!” Out of desperation I came to the point where I screamed to God, “God, I acknowledge you saved me from eternal condemnation through faith in Jesus Christ, but I do not think you continue to care for me afterwards. It seems as if you were only interested in bringing me into your family, but leaving me behind helpless. God, now you are making a terrible mistake to me. You said in 1 Corinthians 10:13, ‘No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.’ God, it does not apply to me. This trial is certainly beyond what I can bear. I am already crushed. Instead of getting closer to you as a result of this trial, I am getting more sour to you and more distant from you. God, you are miscalculating about me. God, I am really disappointed with you. If you give me a job today at Harvard University, the best university in the world, I may accept it but I will never thank you because of that. The words, thanks and gratitude, have left me for good and now there are no such words in my dictionary. I assure you, God, that these words will never come out of my mouth again until I breathe my last breath!”
Then, to make things even worse, I started having a health problem not long ago. In the past ten months I had to have two surgeries for the first time in my life. Besides these operations, I had to go through various tests to check if the cancer in my stomach has spread to the other parts of the body. I thought people with this kind of disease were living on a different planet, but suddenly found myself stepping one of my feet onto that unknown world. Everything started falling apart in my life. My life seemed to be being finished. I reached the bottom of my life. I literally cried out to God. “God, what is this now? I am still young. I have a young family who totally depend on me. What do you want more from me? Are you determined to destroy me completely, both in and out?” To my surprise and shame I found years of my Christian belief rooted on sand, shaky and unstable ground. Although I went to the church every Sunday and read the Bible regularly, I did not really come close to God to know and meet him personally. At that time my belief was all about a religion trying to keep the rules, rituals and traditions out of duty or out of fear of punishment, not about a loving relationship with the Creator of my very own soul. I had to begin to research the bible to find out what trust really is, and most of all who God really is.
Exodus 14:13-14 is one of the passages I found very encouraging and instructing to help me get out of the pain of self-condemnation, self-pity and self-denial. In the midst of trial I was able to understand and experience what trust is. This passage eventually helped me replace my anger with thanks and my fear with trust, and restore my broken relationship with God. Here is the bible text in Exodus 14:13-14. This is what Moses told the people of Israel terrified in front of the Red sea while watching the mighty Egyptian army chasing after them behind. ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.’ During the storm I met my personal God for the first time, not the kind of God I speculated in my imagination. Before God, I was able to see what was really at the bottom of my heart: Pride, arrogance, stubbornness, self-righteousness, superiority and other self-centered desires disguised as something decent. In fact I was trying to use God for my own self-actualization. God was my personal Genie. I simply fell on my knees and confessed to God, “You are my Creator and I am your mere creature. Without you I am only a dust floating around in the massive universe without meaning and purpose. Only with you I find the meaning and true identity of my existence.” I am happy my “great” sin was completely forgiven, because on the cross Jesus Christ already paid the penalty on my behalf. Before God, my own problems that once looked very great became much smaller. They were eventually resolved not the way I wanted it originally, but the way that turned out to be the best later. Now all things seem to have returned to what they were before except two things: surgery scars and the heart. Yes, now I have a new heart! The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.
I believe our God allowed all these trials to me for a purpose, for a reason. I do not think all the disappointment, frustration, bitterness and fear I have gone through were meaningless. As I look back now, I believe God allowed me to go through them in order for my faith to grow to the next level of maturity, which otherwise would not be possible. Job 23:10 says, ‘But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.’ Romans 8:28 says, ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’ Now I thank God even for the cancer I struggled with recently. Because of the disease, I learned to love and trust my God more, learned to be more thankful for everything, learned to have more compassion for other people, learned to resist better the temptation of lust and selfishness. God’s words have an amazing power that turned my anger, disappointment and fear into joy, thanks and freedom. I was transformed from a caterpillar into a butterfly that flies high into the world of the love of God. Thanks! Finally in the middle of the suffering I was able to taste this precious word that once was lost but now was found. Now I have a new heart of joy, thanks and freedom. Now my spiritual walk with God is really the process of correcting my misunderstandings about him one at a time, developing a more intimate and loving relationship with the Creator of the universe and my own soul.
I have reached the current spiritual stage as a result of doubt and questions on my belief. I strongly encourage you to do the same to meet God more intimately. God is not far way, but very close and personal. The infinite God cannot be defined by a few lines of any religious rules and traditions. In fact this is one of the greatest mistakes people make, namely, not seeing God as He really is but seeing God as a few lines of their religious rules and traditions are! The infinite God waits to be explored and known more by His creatures. The infinitely gracious God is not offended by honest questions and doubt of His tiny creatures. According to the Bible, God was not bothered by our honesty, but actually encouraged it to know Him more intimately and personally! This I found out by myself hard in the middle of trial.