Do Most Men Desire Multiple Wives?

[tigerkhan]

well i think it depend from person to person. most of time men desire multiple wives bcz of sexual satisfaction.
personally i think i never want to be a man with more than one wife. one reason maybe i think i cant divide my heart, love, care or feeling into two or more parts. secandaly i dont have much sexual desire rather i sometime think i can marry to divorce if i find her appealing.
so i think its possible for men to be content with one wife for whole life.
also Islam is blessing whether its polygamy or else. we cant understand wisdom of GOD b4 every commandment and permission.

 

[CosmicPathos]

secandaly i dont have much sexual desire

come on, you are a tiger.

 

[marwen]

Again, we always see things from our side.
- For men : fulfill our desires (which,for some reason, seem to go out of control) ==> we need too many women.
- For women : it's pathetic charity + we are very jealous ==> no way ! (translation : on my dead body).

But let's see it from a social point of view : The prophet PBUH wanted to build a whole ummah, and a strong unified state of islam. Te first muslim ummah, or at least the first nucleus of ummah was formed from the family of the prophet PBUH and the close sahaba : Ali, Abu Bakr, Umar, Othmen, etc.
The prophet nearly had family relationship with all of them, by making marriages between these families. The prophet aso encouraged sahaba to make marriages, and every widow or divorced woman does not stay too much before getting married again. I don't think sahaba or the prophet PBUH or sahabyiat (female sahaba) were only thinking about fulfilling their desires or about pathetic charity.
Polygamy once made the ummah, a one strong ummah :
- less fighting and separation inside the ummah : because of familial relationships.
- decrease of the number of unmarried men and women : decrease of obscenity and prostitution in the society.
- less differences between social classes : no more rich families VS poor families.
- ease of marriage for teenagers : so they marry very soon, to concentrate more on other beneficial issues like 'Ilm, prayer, and jihad.
- increase of the number of muslims because of too much marriages.

This also works for our ummah today, if we want to become strong again.

I also remember Sheikh Ahmad Deedat (rahimahu Allah) spoke in one of his talks about these last times, the number of women increases and exceeds the number of men, and he said that in these times, polygamy is the only right solution to the problem.

(funny videos, no ? )

There is a hadeeth about this phenomenon, I can't recall it now. May be another brother or sister can post it.

 

[جوري]

[video]http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/44857571#44857571[/video]

By Vidya Rao TODAY.com


http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/44864...-happy-yes-say-todaycom-readers/#.T4ul3NlXGnU

Not advocating not getting married.. but there's no reason for you not to be happy as a single person..

 

[ardianto]

Brother : O, Ardianto, how many wives do you have?
Ardianto : I have only one wife.
Brother : Only one? you should marry the second, the third, and the fourth wives!
Ardianto : Why?
Brother : Because you are a man! Men cannot be satisfied with only one wife!
Ardianto : Okay, okay. But, how many wives do you have?
Brother : No one. I am still unmarried.
Ardianto : Why?
Brother : All women who I wanted to marry reject my marriage proposals.

 

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum,

Its actually comforting to know that are so many brothers who are quite satisfied to have one wife.

And I think that this, in itself kinda answers my original question.....

And it also answers the question:

Are men naturally more desirous of multiple partners - from a biological point of view?

--> Despite the articles that have been quoted in this thread - I dont think this serves to prove much.

As I have mentioned:

- Why did Allah (subhanawataála) create only Hawa as a partner for Adam (alaihi salam)? (and not multiple women)

- Muhammed (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) remained in a monogous marriage for over 20 years.
And when he did marry many women, it stemmed from noble reasons such as - caring for older divorcees/ widows, strengthening ties between rival groups.....and to teach his ummah different lessons from each marriage.

Although the Quraan/ Hadith do not stipulate reasons for men engaging in polygamy (so it really has been left open to the individual) i think we should bear the following in mind:

Polygamy should not be seen as a license for men to satisfy lust.

Consider how often we are reminded against following base desires and lust:

"Have you seen the one who takes as his god his own desire?

Then would you be responsible for him?Or do you think that most of them hear or reason? They are not except like livestock. Rather, they are [even] more astray in [their] way." (Al-Quraan 25: 43-44)

And there are many more ayats that warn us in a similiar manner......



We should bear in mind that we are living in an over-sexualised world - and this has not only affected men.....but also women, and children.

By the constant barage of images that are intended to heighten sexuality, we are now in a situation where KIDS are engaging in sexual acts, there are decreasing levels of satisfaction within marriages, and a state of being 'aroused' more often...... (considering its often not even safe to drive down the freeway without seeing blown-up, photo-shopped under-wear clad models peering longingly at you......)


The remedy for the above fitnah-filled enviroment is:


- Lower our gaze - for both men and women
- Avoid inter-mingling between the sexes.

- There is a hadith that mentions the course of action for the man who is tempted by women (other than his wife) - that he should hurry to his wife - for with her, it would be the same as with the other one.

Notice that the remedy for such temptations was not - 'Marry another woman and perhaps you will now be satisfied'.

Unfortunately (I feel), polygamy is/ has become the 'solution' to tackling the above-mentioned temptations and challenges.

I personally know a brother who was having serious problems in his marriage and almost divorced quite a few times, and his wife would fix up and apologise every time so he just carried on for the sake of not complicating life especially for his son.
Then he met a sister who's faith and passion really attracted him to her and she also claimed to like him.
His wife found out and he made no attempt to hide it and made it clear that he liked the other sister who was older than himself, he didn't like her for supermodel looks or youth, but for what he perceived of her character and zeal to understand and defend Islam, something he didn't see in his wife.

As things progressed his wife began to lose her mind and neglect the kids, and he began to feel bad and reflected on the situation of the kids etc, so he decided to not dump her but the other sister who hadnt been married before wasn't ready to share a husband, so they decided to not break up the kids and he didn't get a divorce.

But the first wife noticed he was online with her a lot and didnt want him just upping and going so she eventually offered to be content if he remarried provided he didn't treat her like unwanted garbage while he gave all his attention to the other.
It was an awkward situation for the other sister so they decided to continue without proceeding towards a divorce or shared marriage, though he still liked her and she claimed to like him.
So It's not always a case of just wanting loads of women, rather the man knew it wouldn't be easy but was willing to do so just to avoid a complicated breakup due to kids being involved in the equation. and his wife now respects his wishes and doesn't pis* him off so much.
No two situations in life are the same so painting it with the same brush is not always the wise thing to do.

JazakAllah for sharing the above story Akhee.

Im not in the postion to comment on this story itself, but I think it highlights an important issue when men decide to take on another wife:

Ensuring that it is done correctly.
In other words, the process of attaining the other wife should not be by means of adultery/ affairs/ inappropiate contact, etc.

If a man is intends on approaching another woman for marriage - then he should do so......Directly and to the point.
If he is rejected, or the arrangement does seem possible - then he walks away.

On-going chats, illicit meetings - is nothing more than a display of infidelity.

How is a wife expected to feel, when she realises that this has been going on behind the scenes?


Just something to think about.


:wa:

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Assalamu-alaikum,

Do most men personally desire multiple wives?



This is not a question of whether polygamy is permissible for men or not (because it has been decreed by Allah, and it is), but rather -

Do most men remain in monogous marriages only because they are limited by finances, a 'resistant' wife, time, etc.......?

Is it possible for a man to remain satisfied with one wife, all his life?

or are the carnal desires of some so large, that a single wife can never be enough?


Hope to hear some honest views, insha Allah.


:wa:

:shade:

On a serious note, it was an exception among the sahaba to have only one wife. Most of the sahaba had at least 2 wives. The sincere brothers today who actually marry more than one wife understand polygamy as a sunnah and a responsibility rather than a fulfilment of desires. Sure polygamy has its benefits but anyone who is married (or has been) knows that marriage is far more than satisfying desires. It's a commitment, it's raising a family and it's the way of coming closer to Allah by following the sunnah of His Messenger. Most sisters who reject polygamy reflects the reality of their iman.

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

^ If a marries a virgin and then thinks of marrying again to help a widow or a divorcée with children, will he be able to divide his love equally between the two wives?

 

[biz]

youtube.com/watch?v=K15ZEODDRxk

Polygami by Ahmed Deedat.. nice retoric

 

[~Zaria~]

On a serious note, it was an exception among the sahaba to have only one wife. Most of the sahaba had at least 2 wives. The brothers today who actually marry more than one wife understand polygamy as a sunnah and a responsibility rather than a fulfilment of desires. Sure polygamy has its benefits but anyone who is married (or has been) knows that marriage is far more than satisfying desires. It's a commitment, it's raising a family and it's the way of coming closer to Allah by following the sunnah of His Messenger. Most sisters who reject polygamy shows in reality a reflection of their iman.

I do agree Akhee.

I dont think we can remove from the fact that polygamy serves a role - looking at it from a social point of view.

There is wisdom behind all of Allahs decrees, and we the actual act of polygamy is not being challenged.

Rather, its a question of whether polygamy stems from a 'biological need' for men to have multiple partners......as I have heard of many occasions.

In this case, it would imply that it is not possible for men to remain satisfied in a monogomous relationship......and that the only reason we are seeing fewer polygamous marriages stem from financial and other social stressors.


(Ps. Im having problems accessing pages 3/4 of this thread - I can only read the comments by scrolling down the 'advanced post' page.
Is anyone else having this problem?.....any solutions insha Allah?)

:wa:

 

['Abd-al Latif]

^ If a marries a virgin and then thinks of marrying again to help a widow or a divorcée with children, will he be able to divide his love equally between the two wives?

Love cannot be divided equally but treating them equally and justly can be. This is proven by the hadeeth of the Messenger :saws1: when he made du'aa to Allah saying "Oh Allah do not hold be accountable for what I am not in control of". He made this du'aa when he was distributing the war booty between his wives (as this could be distributed justly) and said this in reference to the love he has for 'Aisha as she was the most beloved to him. This shows that the love one has for his wives is in the hands of Allah and cannot be controlled, but one's actions and just treatment can be controlled.

In truth, a man will love all of his wives whether she was previously married or not or has children or not.

 

[purple]

Most sisters who reject polygamy reflects the reality of their iman.

Men now are not sahabas. Who are you to say these women have low iman which is what you are implying? So female members who have commented thus far have low iman? Or Perhaps they don’t trust men to treat them equally?

I dont care about polygamy as long as all agree and are happy with it. All sisters dont have to accept it, some will and some wont.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Men now are not sahabas. Who are you to say these women have low iman which is what you are implying? So female members who have commented thus far have low iman? Or Perhaps they don’t trust men to treat them equally?

I dont care about polygamy as long as all agree and are happy with it. All sisters dont have to accept it, some will and some wont.

It's why I said 'most' sisters. I didn't imply each and every single one nor did I single a sister out. For the one who rejects, she has to ask this question to herself and only she can answer this question for herself in truth. I don't know the reality of anyone's heart.

 

[purple]

It's why I said 'most' sisters. I didn't imply each and every single one nor did I single a sister out. For the one who rejects, she has to ask this question to herself and only she can answer this question in truth.

But who are to even say most? I don’t agree with Zaria when she says most men go into polygamy for their lust. We don’t have the authority or power to know ‘most’ people intentions.

 

[~Zaria~]

^ I think we should not forget that being in a polygamous marriage is not the easiest of things for a woman.....even one with the strongest of imaans.

This was a trial for the wives of the prophet (sallahu alaihi wasalam) themselves.

So, for the women who is able to gladly accept a polygamous marriage - Alhamdulillah.

But for the one who finds herself in heart-ache, feelings of jealousy, etc.......this does not lessen her imaan, but rather these are aspects that both herself, and her husband can work on to, insha Allah, diminish them.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

I do agree Akhee.

I dont think we can remove from the fact that polygamy serves a role - looking at it from a social point of view.

There is wisdom behind all of Allahs decrees, and we the actual act of polygamy is not being challenged.

Rather, its a question of whether polygamy stems from a 'biological need' for men to have multiple partners......as I have heard of many occasions.

In this case, it would imply that it is not possible for men to remain satisfied in a monogomous relationship......and that the only reason we are seeing fewer polygamous marriages stem from financial and other social stressors.


(Ps. Im having problems accessing pages 3/4 of this thread - I can only read the comments by scrolling down the 'advanced post' page.
Is anyone else having this problem?.....any solutions insha Allah?)

:wa:

Close your browser and open it again. It should solve the problem.

For a man to be satisfied with one wife is subjective. One man may only want to commit to one wife while another (for various reasons) may want or even need more than one. The fact that Allah has allowed men to marry just one wife shows that it is possible for one to live happily and contentedly with just one wife. But to generalise either is an assumption and a mistake.

 

[~Zaria~]

But who are to even say most? I don’t agree with Zaria when she says most men go into polygamy for their lust. We don’t have the authority or power to know ‘most’ people intentions.

I have not stated that 'most men go into polygamy for their lust'. (please re-read my posts).

I have instead asked if most men desire multiple wives.

In fact, I dont believe that lust should be the reason driving one towards polygamy at all.


:wa:

 

['Abd-al Latif]

But who are to even say most? I don’t agree with Zaria when she says most men go into polygamy for their lust. We don’t have the authority or power to know ‘most’ people intentions.

I will judge according to what Abu Bakr said, "When the Messenger was with us we would know the reality of people's hearts through revelation. But now that the Messenger is not with us, we will judge you by your actions and speech." Without having to derail this thread, I can tell you that experience with how a lot of women have treated polygamy in their marriage has shown the reality of their stance towards polygamy. You can defend it as much as you like but the fact that women force their husbands to divorce them because of another wife, leave them (for silly reasons) or create a lot of problems because of it reflects really their iman. The facts speak louder then your defence. Perhaps I seem a tad bit judgemental but knowledge and experience has formed my views. If I am wrong, I hope for Allah to correct me and set me straight.

This is the last post I will have regarding this and I will not allow any further discussion regarding it on this thread. Create a separate thread if you want to discuss it further.

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

If Polygamy has been approved by Allah and made possible, why the need to discuss it often? Each person is responsible for their own actions and instead of trying to scold men, which is what is happening here, point out how they should, why they should or should not have more than one wife is none of anybody's concern except the man who is going to be taking on a second wife.

Biologically, a man is fertile 24-7 a woman is only fertile once a month. Her drive rises the week following menses (due to ovulation) and a couple of days before menses(due to the hormonal shift occuring that brings on menses), that's it. She is only fertile in that week after menses, so how can then women be comparing themselves to men on this subject?? Women are jealous by nature and that's not going to go away, I find this to always be a hot topic among women, where they take an opportunity to complain (many times subtly such as this thread for example) about why they don't want a co-wife and why they find polygamy unfair, even though Allah has made it halaal.

The Ayat used here is referring to mankind putting their desires before Allah, this isn't just sexual desires, all of them, even eating, internet use, u name it. This is for all of mankind, not men, and again it speaks not of sexual desires exclusively, so it's not a valid quote to use, especially with no tafsir.

"Have you seen the one who takes as his god his own desire?

Then would you be responsible for him?Or do you think that most of them hear or reason? They are not except like livestock. Rather, they are [even] more astray in [their] way." (Al-Quraan 25: 43-44)

- Why did the prophet (sallahu alaihi wasalam) deny Ali (ra) permission to marry again (whilst in marriage to his daughter Fathimah (ra))?
We know that he feared that Fathimah (ra) may be hurt by this......and this was reason enough to request that Ali (ra) remain monogomous.

As far as the prophet not allowing Ali a second wife it had not to do with fatimah herself,it was about Abu Jahl. He was the enemy of Allah and our prophet (saw) would not have his daughter and the daughter of the enemy of Allah be co-wives. See how different it is from the version you suggested? That he thought his daughter would be too hurt to have a co-wife? Not true at all.

Here is one translation of the hadith.

"I heard Allah's Apostle who was on the pulpit, saying, 'Banu Hisham bin Al-Mughira have requested me to allow them to marry their daughter to Ali bin Abu Talib, but I don't give permission, and will not give permission unless 'Ali bin Abi Talib divorces my daughter in order to marry their daughter, because Fatima is a part of my body, and I hate what she hates to see, and what hurts her, hurts me.'" (Bukhari, No. 4887)
​

Narrated by Ali ibn al-Husayn:

"Ali demanded the hand of the daughter of Abu Jahl. Fatimah heard of this and went to Allah's Messenger saying, 'Your people think that you do not become angry for the sake of your daughters as `Ali now is going to marry the daughter of Abu Jahl.'
​

On that, the Messenger got up and after his recitation of Tashahhud (witnessing the oneness of the Creator and the prophethood of His Final Messenger) I heard him saying, 'I married one of my daughters (Zainab) to Abu Al-`Aas ibn Ar-Rabi` before Islam and he proved truthful in whatever he said to me. No doubt Fatimah is part of me; I hate to see her troubled. By Allah, the daughter of Allah's Messenger and the daughter of Allah's enemy cannot be the wives of one man.'" (Bukhari, No. 2900)
​

The hadith appears in reliable works and appears to be probable.
We understand that it is not a legal prohibition but expression of love of a father for his daughter especially when the son in law is pondering over marrying into the family which has caused the concerned father great harm. The Qur'an clearly allows adult male and female believers to marry persons of their choice. It also does not prohibit second marriage. Therefore, we cannot take it as a religious or legal ruling.

http://www.al-mawrid.org/pages/questions_english_detail.php?qid=887&cid=168

Polygamy is discouraged because of the responsibility it requires, and the care that must be taken to be fair to all of the wives, but a pius man can do it. Besides the first wife has the option to leave if she doesn't like it right? Although it would not be a valid reason.

Financially it would not be so hard if sisters were not so demanding, If you live a very modest life financially, with minimal things, it is very possible to have more than one wife financially speaking. Sisters also claim now that the first wife MUST know, it's not a requirement, a great gesture on the brother's behalf, but not a requirement. Unfair? well not if she has a good relationship with the husband, as a woman one can make themselves part of that decision and help find a good fit for the family, because she will be part of the family as her children will be sibling to the other wive's..... The inability to accept polygamy for women comes in this whole idea that marriage is based on love, when in reality marriage is a partnership and the goal is Jannah. yes you develop love for your spouse but not Hollywood love, also selfishness whatever happened to wanting for your sister what u want for yourself? That's what I ask women. It seems that now a days, a woman must walk the shoes of a divorcee with children or a widow to understand this fully and mature up about it.

As far as the above story is concerned, well it's obvious the brother went about it the wrong way. He began an affair on the side outside of marriage. I'm glad to see that in the end they stayed together, it's still not acceptable, and sadly a growing trend. Let's not be unfair though, what drives a man to that state? Not desires, exclusively. A wife that isn't well behaved can send a man out the door any day, coming home to bickering and complaining... who wants that? Just sayin, always two sides to the coin.

-Nusaybah

 

[ardianto]

if most men desire multiple wives.

Totally is not most, but many. It's means the number of men who desire multiple wives is not so big like your assumption.

But if you ask about percentage of men who desire multiple wives, it's depend on cultures. There are cultures that have high percentage, there are cultures that have lower percentage.