Establishing an Islamic Family

Re: So where is the line drawn?

Salaam Sister,
Well I believe there should be equal, I believe if you make a mess after I have cleaned please pick up and care for the house as I do, I believe the man you will marry will follow up as the clean as you go.

With the cooking, my father actually cooks a lot. So a man can cook, he can learn to, it doesn't always have to be the wife. For me, I want a husband that will like to cook with me and help me around the house as I will help him as much as I can.

But also you can't deny a good man who loves you over small things... but you can't accept someone who you do not get along with. Now with the man who you said no to it is obvious you two don't get along as much as it should be..
But say a man comes along, and you both have same charter, morals, etc...and he asks you if you can wake up with him and help him iron his clothes once in a while (not everyday) and he wants you to cook as well. I really feel that you shouldn't say no right away.
Because Marriage is a job in itself... you have to change alot for marriage, by change it is because there is a lot of responsibility. So it is easy to say this now, but when the right man comes, you will help him as much as you can.

Allah bless you! :)
 
Re: So where is the line drawn?

thequietone said:
what will they say next :

i can't be arsed to breastfeed...i want a man who is able to breastfeed!.
Click to expand...

LOL! That is funny. I just feel some women want eqaullity, if the house it clean and you make a mess clean up after yourself.
Personally I know I would help clean, and cook even though I would be working/at university as well... I feel in marriage it is a change, a drastic change with a lot of responsibility, so in the end when marriage comes, man and women will change.
 
Re: So where is the line drawn?

Having maintained the house during the summer holidays I do have to say it is really irritating when another person doesn't clean up after themselves, and they leave their mess for you to clean up after them. For example they finish eating and they just get up and leave their plate at the table and don't even bother taking it into the kitchen this really bugs me!

or if they have a packet of crisps and leave the packet lying around for days it really gets under my skin so I clean up after them myself but as I'm doing it I do find myself wishing that they would simply clean up their own mess.

Having experienced this I got into the habbit of all ways washing the plate I ate from and all ways throwing my rubbish in the bin hoping other members of my family would follow suite, sadly I'm still cleaning up after them :@

I don't think it's alot to ask of a husband for him to clean up any mess he makes as this is good manners I believe, I mean why would you want somebody else to clean up the mess you made, I'd find it highly embarressing another person washing my underwear and dirty clothes.

I did use to be really lazy then my mum realized and stopped doing things for me cos she said "your wife is going to moan at me and say what kind of son did you make who can't do anything for himself" ;D

so things changed and I saw it from the other view point and it's not nice cleaning up someone elses mess every second of the day because their too lazy to throw their rubbish away or wash the plate they ate from.

but then I guess the other aspect is if men are at work all day they're going to be too tired to maintain the house also, imagine if the husband is doing a manual labour job where he's on his feet all day I imagine he's going to be very tired when he comes home and will just collapse on the sofa to rest. I would argue having been at work all day working hard to bring a wage in and take care of his wifes financial needs she could do things for him out of her love for him.

I am yet to meet a superman who works 9 till 5 really hard and then comes home and does house work, most people I know just want to chill after work and take it easy. not do more work at home so I guess it's a two way thing, the wife needs to be understanding of the husbands situation and the husband needs to be understanding of the wife.

People have different capabilites so it would be unfair to expect every man to be happy with cleaning the house because people are different in what they can handle and like doing, you get some men who like cooking and would rather do it themselves instead of their wife, you get other men who like cleaning and would prefer to do it themselves instead of the wife.

So I guess it really depends on each person and what he's capable of doing, I don't mind cleaning and helping my wife with it but I wouldn't like to help her cook so I'd find a wife who'd be ok with that.

Compatibility is really important for this reason, you need to ensure you and your wife are compatible in all these areas before you get married otherwise it will just cause arguments.

I guess everyone's different and what we require in a partner varies from person to person and to use blanket statements wouldn't be right I feel.
 
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Re: So where is the line drawn?


why am I noticing such a battle of the sexes in some of the replies?
I think a husband and wife should act like a team, men have rights over you, you have rights over them. It doesn't make one inferior or superior.. why not just communicate your fears, desires etc with spouse instead of assuming things or taking a defensive approach..

I like cleaning because I have certain standards when it comes to clean. I don't like cooking but started to pick that up recently after watching iron chef and 'chopped' I have learned a few things I find it relaxing, you might just end up with a hubby who is a master cook and doesn't want to eat your food at all.. if you aren't actually married it is premature to jump the gun and to be quite honest I am not sure what cooking and cleaning have to do with obedience?

This is a true story of a husband and wife that was on the discovery channel one of their survivor stories and for what it is worth the couple were westerners. The wife liked to swim but she was 7 m pregnant, her husband forbade her from going for a swim, she went anyway and was attacked by a shark she lost a limb and her unborn child but al7mdlillaah her life was spared.. To me that is an example of disobeying her husband and probably a lesser man would have said 'I told you so' her husband seemed really sad and aggrieved over what transpired.. I don't think a husband should abuse the 'obey' thing and neither should a wife.. I mean if people love and RESPECT one another then such requests surely stem from wisdom and love not to enslave ones partner..

:w:
 
Re: So where is the line drawn?

Growing up my parents i think had a good balance. Mash'Allah my dear Dad was a great cook, but the kitchen after he had finished cooking would look like a bomb had hit it. Then mum would come in clean sigh and laugh. But Mash'Allah we would all sit and down as family and enjoy the meal. ;D

Now as a wife and a mother. I enjoy cooking and cleaning for my family. It gives me tremendous satisfaction to know my family live in a clean house and eat a meal that i have cooked. TBH my husband really couldnt boil an egg, but he doesnt mind ironing and helping doing other chores around the house. We are a team, that is how you must look at it. Your home is a blessing if you choose to see it that way.

Always remember the Sunnah of our dear Prophet who would carry out chorse. May Allah (swt) guide us ALL.
 
Re: So where is the line drawn?

:sl:

Actually, cooking is nothing to do with obedience.

My wife started learn to cook before married. Not because she would marry me, but because she is a woman. Same like my mommy, my sisters, my female relatives, they learned to cook because they are women. In my place women must learn how to cook and men must learn how to make money.

So sisters, can't you cook ? just learn. Is it hard to learn cooking ? don't forget, every professional chef could not cook before they learn.
 
Re: So where is the line drawn?

Maybe not every member here know that nikah is actually handover process which the wali gives a woman under his guardianship to a man who take over his responsibility on that woman.

Before a woman married, the parent (wali) had responsibility to fulfill her needs, gives protection, gives love, and she must obey her parent. But after she has married, responsibility to fulfill her needs, give protection and love turn into her husband, and she must obey her husband. Of course, the husband must gives her enough freedom and not treat her like slave or servant. However, when her husband need her obedience, she must obey him. In example, if the husband must moves to another city, even if the wife has a good job, she must leave her job and follow her husband.
 
Re: So where is the line drawn?

Salam Alaikkum,

I am with you sister, perhaps I am very lucky to have an understanding husband, actually he does the ironing and cooking sometimes, he is independent and he likes to care for me, he does not like me to be tired but once in 3 months he would open mouth and complain about my laziness :D You see he spoiled me and now he complains, reallly weird man lol:phew

But when I clean, it must be very clean or I wont clean at all lol, its general cleaning mood lol

We are both working full time & part time, but we have plenty of time relaxing at home like 4-5hours daily,,, so nice,,, I guess its the attitude, some men expect to be served fine & some wants to be treated like little 'king' and some men likes to serve their woman more than to be served, and even if you agree during engagement you cant ensure that he will be okay with it forever. So before I advise you I must apply to myself first, Nowadays I am considering to be OPEN MINDED in this, i cant be lazy forever, it would be nice to serve him better too :statisfie:statisfie

I can compare it to Arabic, earlier I reject the idea, language seems so complicated! but alhamdollelah I forced myself and now I can read & write like Grade 1

It's so exciting, I always show my husband I can write Salam or my name in Arabic and can read Quran (very slowly) hahaha ,, BIG DEAL:D:D:D
Is anyone jealous here :D

About the obedience thing, ofcourse if the man is righteous, we must obey them for men has definite decisions than us (moody women), good husbands wont like anything bad to happen to his wife & when its proven they will earn our obedience,

however you can have your husband's respect and obedience too. My husband likes to ask me for anything, and I would advise him only when I think I can provide the best option and alhamdollelah he would follow it, if I dont know how to handle the situation I would be honest and tell him, sorry my mind is not suitable to fix that, dont inclue me in ur problem loool


also women must not be material and demanding, that's another secret, because i noticed whatever i ask my husband he never say no, same thing when his mom ask him,,, most of the time we asked for good service...
 
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Re: So where is the line drawn?

there ain't no line - the duty falls to you, discuss it with him before the marriage to see if he'll help out, take it from me - some men get frustrated with household chores and would rather break a sweat chopping logs than make a cup of tea

just like a woman doesn't have to spend of her inheritance or give it to her husband, but a decent one would obviously chuck it in when times are tough for the family.

i would discuss it first to avoid bad feelings afterwards, though i would personally like a trustworthy wife who's faith can't be budged, and preferably one who cooks really nice meals - as a bonus :D
 
Reminder for married couples

Assalam Alaykum to all :)

I just want to post a reminder and maybe it is posted here already or isn't but just want to remind you this;

(1) Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you." (Book #2, Hadith #28)

;) It very is matching nowadays when women here are dominating men. and men become their slaves.
 
Re: Reminder for married couples

Oh sheesh... don't I know it ;D

To be fair though, women are lovely - when they are lovely (that is)... (smirk)
 
Re: Reminder for married couples

Jedi_Mindset said:
;) It very is matching nowadays when women here are dominating men. and men become their slaves.
Click to expand...
Actually I disagree with this. Nowadays men are still dominating women.

But, I have found many cases which the wives disrespect their husbands, refuse to serve the husbands, always dressed sexy to attract other men, spread news about their husband bad performance on bed, never say thank you and always insult their husbands as not able to make money although their husbands work as hard as they could. And the worst cases were cases which wives left kind husbands to marry rich men. Sadly, I have seen cases like these with my eyes.

This is why I always remind young brothers, if they want to marry a woman, they must look at her character and personality and not stuck only on beauty. It for prevent them marrying 'wrong' women.

It's better they marry women who are not physically beautiful but have good ahlaq (manner), than marry beautiful women who have bad akhlaq. But if they can marry beautiful women who have beautiful akhlaq, ....... Alhamdulillah.
 
Re: Reminder for married couples

I Absolutely agree with this hadeeth... i dont take this harshly!...
I do see women dominate men.... Not all women do...there are still dominating men out there too... LOL

women are outnumbering men...
women will be like men and men will be like a women...

I do agree with some of the points that brother Jedi_Mindset has bought up...

Its our way of thinking, immorality and love of this dunya (world) thats brought up these problems...
People are decreasing in knowledge, knowledge is the key to success...
If people looked upon and followed the way of life that Beloved Prophet Muhammad led as an example to mankind then this wouldn't be an issue....
It would be JUST!
 
Re: Reminder for married couples

ardianto said:
spread news about their husband bad performance on bed,
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It's really happened. A woman revealed her bedroom secret and told complain about her husband's bad performance in front of me, my wife and some other people. And according to my wife, there are some other women who have same habit.
 
Re: Reminder for married couples

:sl:

Women have the power to fell empires, assassinate powerful men, and make us all feel like uber-dorks no matter how cool everyone else thinks we are.
 
Re: Reminder for married couples

Yes but that's not the point, my point is there are many womens who don't obey/being ungratefull to her husband. as long as the husband isn't oppresive, give the wife Halal advice. then she needs to be obey and thank him. nowadays, many womans are to emotional. I know the islam gives women equal rights as the men, but what said in this hadeeth is what is happening today sadly.
 
Re: Reminder for married couples

Salam Alaikkum

Brother Ardianto's post is true to life story.

Alhamdollelah since becoming a Muslimah, I have greatly reduced sharing any secrets to others and also if I see something wrong with my husband I will be frank with him but I would never seriously complain to others about his character, well I dont tell people details, but people knows I am lucky with him alhamdollelah, and I don't wish to damage his reputation. Besides there is no point of complaining when he is my husband already, the shame goes to me if I embarass him in front of others or say say negative things.
:statisfie
 
Re: Reminder for married couples

Good thread. Thought I'd share this:

It has been narrated by Muaaz Ibn Jabal. He relates that the Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam had instructed, "When a woman causes her husband suffering his wife, amongst his celestial brides (Hooray-Ayn), curses, ‘May Allah also inflict pain on you. Don’t cause your husband suffering.’ And Oh my beloved Fatimah, reproach awaits the woman who disobeys her husband."(Ibn Maajah and Tirmidhi)

At the end of this narration there are also the words, "May Allah also inflict pain on you. All men are merely your guests. Soon they will leave you and come to me."

ardianto said:
But, I have found many cases which the wives disrespect their husbands, refuse to serve the husbands, always dressed sexy to attract other men, spread news about their husband bad performance on bed, never say thank you and always insult their husbands as not able to make money although their husbands work as hard as they could. And the worst cases were cases which wives left kind husbands to marry rich men. Sadly, I have seen cases like these with my eyes.
Click to expand...



The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam stated, "There are three people who will be asked nothing in regard to themselves. I. A person who separates himself from his brotherhood and disobeys his religious leader and caliph. II. A slave who absconds and meets his death whilst still in the state of disobedience. III. A wife who, in her husband’s absence, adorns and displays herself before others behind her husband’s back, though he has left her ample provisions."
____

The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam stated, " If a man or a woman were to spend seventy years in obedience of Allah T’aala, but at the time of death attempt, in a bequest, to cause each other harm (man to woman or woman to man), hell becomes compulsory upon them. Abu Hurairah recited the following verses:

After payment of legacies he (or she) may have bequeathed or debts, so that no loss is caused (to anyone). (4:12)

(Abu Dawud:Abu Hurairah)

____

The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam has stated, " A person who after having intercourse with his spouse, reveals their secrecy, will be in the lowest rank on the day of Judgement in the eyes of Allah."

____

The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam has said, "I severly dislike that woman who puts her cloak on and leaves the home in order to complain about her husband." (Tabrani, Haithami)
 
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Re: Reminder for married couples

:sl:Reminder for married couples? Please change the thread title to: advise/reminder to married sisters or advise to sisters!
 

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