Frustrations in getting married

:sl:

I think that the dajjalic system that we're living in these days enforces the ungodly way of life upon us with full force, the consequence of which comes in form of; Us, unwilling to thrust it back to its place with the full force of eeman. Easier said than done, but gotta break all those chains even if they seem unbreakable, cuz they are Not unbreakable.

Sometimes even the thought helps, that we must adopt virtue, even though its the hardest thing to do, and that may mean trying to prepare oneself for halal recommended things; change starts from somewhere. And only the unconventional can start that change, the effects of which are felt and benefitted by a large number of people who still haven't found the courage to put the negative thoughts away about marriage...
 
I was watching a fascinating program, a documentary on TV a few days ago where Muslims and their parents were going about finding spouses and there were so many glaring mistakes that it is no surprise the state of the world right now.

One man wanted a wife, and he was 37, he kept getting turned down because younger (25-27 yr olds) were being preferred, lesson from this was you need to get married earlier.

One woman was 32 and even though she was fairly attractive and very educated with a high end job in London, not a single mother wanted her for their sons, because she "she was too old". Again lesson from this, getting married earlier, what use is that education if you're going to spend a life lonely and miserable. Whilst the man wasn't too bothered, this woman was severely depressed and she broke down after one woman walked away saying she wants her son to marry someone who'll build a home, not one who'll build a business.


There was another guy who thought he would get to pick any girl he wants because he's very wealthy, but hardly anyone wanted him because he had kuffar beard and hairstyles. One woman said, you look more like a gang member than a civilised muslim man, the sad part was he's over 30 too.

There was one woman who was 34 I think and she kept saying no to seemlingly decent men, they may not be perfect as the Imam said, but he said these are the men who make up 80% of the Muslim population, a bit lacking in their deen but a push and shove and they're straightened. This woman kept saying no to decent guys and in the end the Imam said, he cannot help her anymore because she's wasting his time and her own time because she wants the perfect Muslim husband and he doesn't exist.

I was not surprised that the majority of the people in this documentary were 30+.
 
^Some of us do try getting married young brother but parents are very reluctant to give their daughters away to men who have not yet established a sound career and can't afford a house. imsad if it was upto me I would've been married at 17 but kept getting turned down saying I'm still a boy with no career.
 
Salahudeen said:
^Some of us do try getting married young brother but parents are very reluctant to give their daughters away to men who have not yet established a sound career and can't afford a house. imsad if it was upto me I would've been married at 17 but kept getting turned down saying I'm still a boy with no career.
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If you don't marry one of these girls or into these families and you marry into a family you actually respects that not everyone is rich, you will be much better off.

This is why loads of people, including me are going back home to marry. So many families are demanding high, but there are alternatives available you just got to find them or encourage your parents to look for them.

I've met a few guys who married such girls, and they are never happy, whereas those girls and their families expect little except good clothing, food and shelter for their daughter, those marriages are destined for success.

There are options, you just need to look harder. As for those families and girls you mentioned, don't worry about, few people want their sons to marry such arrogant girls anyway. My mate is really wealthy, loads of families wanted him cause he's a barrister who's earning alot, but he said no to them all and married back home to a girl in his town Rahim Yar Khan in Pakistan, he married that girl there because they were interested in him before his rise to wealth.

Good luck in your search, don't delay marriage any longer man.
 
Assalam alaykum,

A lot of the time parents are way fussier than their kids. Even though we might tell our parents that we are not looking into certain things particularly (e.g. Careers), our parents would still look into those things because they worry about where the girl is going, how she will cope financially, and even whether the guy will buy a new house for her to live in. I know we dont like it sometimes, but thats what parents do, they worry and think about the future of their kids lives.

I know this pretty young couple that got married a few years ago and the parents of the girl made her demand a house from her husband. His family were quite rich but they obviously couldnt afford one and they live in a big enough house at the moment, but the girls father told her to leave her husband. He refuses to let her go back because he wants her to have her own house, even though the girl and boy want to get back together, they are married, its the parents stopping her.

My parents are more worried about whether I'll be able to find a job before I get married! Lol, even though Im a girl, they think I should start saving up for a house. Although I dont worry too much about these kind of things, I am expecting my future husband (whoever that may be, poor man lol ) to work and I wouldnt mind working, because in the current financial situation of the world, I dont think we could survive very well with just a minimum wage coming in.

I would prefer a simple life, in a country far away, with no worries and beautiful scenery. And lots of bunny rabbits and birds and flowers. But its never going to happen so I have to think realistically imsad

A few years ago I used to say Id prefer to get married at around 22/23. But now Im 23 and not too bothered, yet. My older siblings need to get married before me :p
 
kingkong said:
I was watching a fascinating program, a documentary on TV a few days ago where Muslims and their parents were going about finding spouses and there were so many glaring mistakes that it is no surprise the state of the world right now.

One man wanted a wife, and he was 37, he kept getting turned down because younger (25-27 yr olds) were being preferred, lesson from this was you need to get married earlier.

One woman was 32 and even though she was fairly attractive and very educated with a high end job in London, not a single mother wanted her for their sons, because she "she was too old". Again lesson from this, getting married earlier, what use is that education if you're going to spend a life lonely and miserable. Whilst the man wasn't too bothered, this woman was severely depressed and she broke down after one woman walked away saying she wants her son to marry someone who'll build a home, not one who'll build a business.


There was another guy who thought he would get to pick any girl he wants because he's very wealthy, but hardly anyone wanted him because he had kuffar beard and hairstyles. One woman said, you look more like a gang member than a civilised muslim man, the sad part was he's over 30 too.

There was one woman who was 34 I think and she kept saying no to seemlingly decent men, they may not be perfect as the Imam said, but he said these are the men who make up 80% of the Muslim population, a bit lacking in their deen but a push and shove and they're straightened. This woman kept saying no to decent guys and in the end the Imam said, he cannot help her anymore because she's wasting his time and her own time because she wants the perfect Muslim husband and he doesn't exist.

I was not surprised that the majority of the people in this documentary were 30+.
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:sl:

Obviously I am past my prime and no woman will ever want me.

Guess I'll be surrounding myself with animals and video games.

(this is a joke, so don't take it seriously)
 
To the frustrated brothers: Go with the flow, work towards getting married but at the same time get on with your lives and insha'Allah when the time is right someone will come your way, no point continuously sobbing over issues on here - move on

Allah is the best of planners
 
noorseeker said:
I keep on thinking this is happiness , being the lucky guy. Everymans dream
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I was familiar with moments when people called me "handsome", and I was familiar with moments when women were attracted to me. Also I married a beautiful woman who expected by many men.

You are right, this is everyman's dream. But maybe you don't know yet, if you have a life like this you will know what is difference between love and 'feel attracted', what is difference between true love and sexual desire. And you will realize, not handsomeness or beauty that make people love and be loved.

Absolutely not true if good looking people treated better. The truth is kind people treated well. If people treat good looking persons better than other, it's because they expect attention from those good looking persons. But people always treat kind persons well because people always respect to kind persons without expect anything from these kind persons.

That's why I asked a question "Is beauty (or handsomeness) important", because the important thing is kindness that arise from good character, good personality, and good behavior. Be a person like this, and people will always respect to you and treat you well, no matter if you are handsome or not.

And women will treat you well too. In fact, many women prefer to marry men who not handsome but have good character instead of handsome men but have bad character.
 
I will tell a story about a guy who I knew in early of 2000s. His initial is "Y". He worked as a servant in my friend store. He is not handsome, uneducated, and poor. But he is a kind person.

One day when we were chat, he told me, his neighbor in his village offered him to marry their daughter. He knew, their daughter is a good girl although not beautiful. So, he accepted their offer. "Y" also told me, he got a new job in building construction. Then he calculated how much money he could collect after he finish his contract. "It's enough for wedding" he said. And I saw hope and happines in his face.

I never meet "Y" again until few years later when I walked in front of stalls that sell bakso (noodle with meatball). Someone called me from the stall. That's "Y". Then I visited it, ate bakso and chat with "Y". He told me stories about his marriage with his neighbor daughter, his life with his wife, and his hope in the future. And I saw a happines in his face.

That's "Y", someone who far from handsome, uneducated, poor, but he could get married. It's because he didn't expect too high such as beautiful woman. A wife who not beautiful but has a good character is enough for him.

-------

There are many women out there who expect to get married. They are not beautiful, and they are realize if they are not beautiful. It's make them not expect too high from men who would marry them. They can accept a man who not handsome and not rich, as long as this man can treat them well.

Women like this usually have good character and even pious. Yes, they are not beautiful but they can serve the husband very well. They can be good wives.

My question to young brothers. Would you marry a woman like this ? or you are still expect a beautiful woman ? ..... Up to you, the choice is in your hand.

But let me tell you. Not beauty that makes you happy with your wife, not beauty that makes you lowering your gaze. But a genuine and sincere services of the wife who will make you feel happy and do not want to marry another woman. Maybe in the first time you will not attracted to a woman like this, but after she becomes your wife and you feel good service she gives to you, you will feel like to always be with her.

Like I said, there are many women like this out there. But you will not find them in a place where people reject each other only by photos.

---------

Now I will tell something. I like Mercedes Benz, but I couldn't afford to buy it. So, I bought an old Toyota. This is a realistic and right decision because if I still expect to have Mercedes Benz, now I am still walking or riding public transport cars. I often saw Mercedes when I drove my old Toyota, but I never envy those Mercedes owners because I realize, there are many people who couldn't afford to buy cars. It's OK if they are happy with their Mercedes, and I am happy to drive my old Toyota.

Okay, brothers, I hope you understand what I mean.
 
ardianto said:
Now I will tell something. I like Mercedes Benz, but I couldn't afford to buy it. So, I bought an old Toyota. This is a realistic and right decision because if I still expect to have Mercedes Benz, now I am still walking or riding public transport cars. I often saw Mercedes when I drove my old Toyota, but I never envy those Mercedes owners because I realize, there are many people who couldn't afford to buy cars. It's OK if they are happy with their Mercedes, and I am happy to drive my old Toyota.
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I know some sisters wont like that analogy of cars to women.

But i do understand, ive got an old honda, im not attracted to it , but i bought it . It gets me to A to B , and people arent coming up to me telling me ive got a crappy car.
 
Today was one of those days where I actually sat back and it sunk in. Dec 24 is my wedding. It's now Sept 24. It will be Oct 24 soon, then Nov 24 and then Dec 24. There is just 3 months left, whilst it seems like just around the corner, it also feels like it's going to be the longest 3 months of my life. I feel like such a sissy/wimp saying it, but could I be getting excited about it all?
 
ardianto said:
There are many women out there who expect to get married. They are not beautiful, and they are realize if they are not beautiful. It's make them not expect too high from men who would marry them. They can accept a man who not handsome and not rich, as long as this man can treat them well.

Women like this usually have good character and even pious. Yes, they are not beautiful but they can serve the husband very well. They can be good wives.

My question to young brothers. Would you marry a woman like this ? or you are still expect a beautiful woman ? ..... Up to you, the choice is in your hand.

But let me tell you. Not beauty that makes you happy with your wife, not beauty that makes you lowering your gaze. But a genuine and sincere services of the wife who will make you feel happy and do not want to marry another woman. Maybe in the first time you will not attracted to a woman like this, but after she becomes your wife and you feel good service she gives to you, you will feel like to always be with her.

Like I said, there are many women like this out there. But you will not find them in a place where people reject each other only by photos.

---------

Now I will tell something. I like Mercedes Benz, but I couldn't afford to buy it. So, I bought an old Toyota. This is a realistic and right decision because if I still expect to have Mercedes Benz, now I am still walking or riding public transport cars. I often saw Mercedes when I drove my old Toyota, but I never envy those Mercedes owners because I realize, there are many people who couldn't afford to buy cars. It's OK if they are happy with their Mercedes, and I am happy to drive my old Toyota.

Okay, brothers, I hope you understand what I mean.
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Assalam alaykum.

I agree with your points. Anyway, beauty starts to fade once you hit a certain age and people who look mainly at the beauty of someone before deciding should realize that it wont be like that forever.

My friends 2 sisters are aged 30 and 28 and they are still not married. They are struggling to find someone, but one of them rejects guys because of looks. I think this is quite unfair especially since she is quite old and her own looks will start to fade soon (dont want that to sound harsh but its true). Imagine if someone says that to her in the near future. Getting rejected because of looks only.

But I know it is harder to say yes to someone that you are not attracted to but looking at someones personality/characteristics will lead to a much more stable marriage. Also they are less likely to change after a while.

Oh and also, you cannot compare cars to this because it is something completely different lol.

And I like Ferraris :p
 
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kingkong said:
If you don't marry one of these girls or into these families and you marry into a family you actually respects that not everyone is rich, you will be much better off.

This is why loads of people, including me are going back home to marry. So many families are demanding high, but there are alternatives available you just got to find them or encourage your parents to look for them.

I've met a few guys who married such girls, and they are never happy, whereas those girls and their families expect little except good clothing, food and shelter for their daughter, those marriages are destined for success.

There are options, you just need to look harder. As for those families and girls you mentioned, don't worry about, few people want their sons to marry such arrogant girls anyway. My mate is really wealthy, loads of families wanted him cause he's a barrister who's earning alot, but he said no to them all and married back home to a girl in his town Rahim Yar Khan in Pakistan, he married that girl there because they were interested in him before his rise to wealth.

Good luck in your search, don't delay marriage any longer man.
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if you think about it from a reverts point of view, marrying the family is probably not the best way forward..for the spouse.
a case of culture over religion maybe.
no offense.
 
M.I.A. said:
if you think about it from a reverts point of view, marrying the family is probably not the best way forward..for the spouse.
a case of culture over religion maybe.
no offense.
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You misunderstood bro Kingkong post. He didn't talk about marrying a girl from our family. But that was reply on bro Salahudden who complain, there are families who require their daughters marry only rich men. What bro Kingkong means was, try to looking for other girls from other families who can accept men who not rich.
 
noorseeker said:
I know some sisters wont like that analogy of cars to women.

But i do understand, ive got an old honda, im not attracted to it , but i bought it . It gets me to A to B , and people arent coming up to me telling me ive got a crappy car.
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joyous fairy said:
Oh and also, you cannot compare cars to this because it is something completely different lol.

And I like Ferraris
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I know I cannot compare cars to women.

If I have enough money I will sell my old Toyota and buy Mercedes. If I have much money I want to be a cars collector. Imagine if I treat my wife like a car. :D

The point in that post is, be realistic if we cannot marry favorite persons. When my friends were young they tried to get favorite women, and they were rejected. But then they changed their minds. Looked into character, married 'ordinary women', and they are happy.


joyous fairy said:
I agree with your points. Anyway, beauty starts to fade once you hit a certain age and people who look mainly at the beauty of someone before deciding should realize that it wont be like that forever.
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Not only fade because age. Beauty can go suddenly because illness or accident. So, those who married good looking person must ready if their spouses lost their beauties.

My friends 2 sisters are aged 30 and 28 and they are still not married. They are struggling to find someone, but one of them rejects guys because of looks. I think this is quite unfair especially since she is quite old and her own looks will start to fade soon (dont want that to sound harsh but its true). Imagine if someone says that to her in the near future. Getting rejected because of looks only.
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I found similarity between several old virgins who I know in my place. They received marriage proposals in the past, at least once. But they rejected those proposal because those guys who intend to marry them were not good looking and also not rich.

Now all of those rejected guys have been married with other women, while those old virgin still unmarried in their 40+ age, and nobody propose a marriage again.

But I know it is harder to say yes to someone that you are not attracted to but looking at someones personality/characteristics will lead to a much more stable marriage. Also they are less likely to change after a while.
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I threw a question in a post "Is physical beauty the only attraction for woman and for man ?". I explain why.

There is a misconception among unmarried people. They assume if someone has intention to marry another someone, it's because this someone is attracted to beauty. Is it true ?.

Ask married people, what made them had intention to marry their partners ?. Almost all of them will answer with answer that not far from "he/she is kind, religious, respectful, knows how to treat me well, etc", some of them will add with "she is beautiful/he is handsome", but no one will put beauty/handsomeness at first place in the answer. In fact, people who want to build a happy family always avoid marry beautiful person with bad character.

People are not wrong when they say, someone will attracted to beauty first, then start to look at character. But not true if always beauty first, character second. Many married people were attracted to their potential-spouses character first, because they often made interaction in the real world. And after they have been attracted to character, they will see a mysterious thing that reflected from within that made their potential-spouses look beautiful. This is something that called "Inner Beauty".

And actually people do not need much interaction to attracted to character. Attracted by character can be started in 'introductory phase' when two persons who did not know each other before meet with intention to find potential-spouse. That's why I do not suggest people looking for potential-spouses in places where people reject each other only with photos.
 
:sl:

There is also this whole Western culture of dating and "falling in love" and all that. I have never been in love and it doesn't look like I will be anytime soon, but in Western society we have this notion of attraction and chemistry and this and that.

I think that's one reason that you see a lot more people waiting later in life to get married. They have this expectation that they have to be "in love" with someone before they marry them.
 
King of Nines said:
:sl:

There is also this whole Western culture of dating and "falling in love" and all that. I have never been in love and it doesn't look like I will be anytime soon, but in Western society we have this notion of attraction and chemistry and this and that.

I think that's one reason that you see a lot more people waiting later in life to get married. They have this expectation that they have to be "in love" with someone before they marry them.
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that's very very true, I blame Bollywood movies ;D
 
^ Ugh Bollywood is so bizarre. One minute people are talking, the next minute, people are dancing on top of a skyscraper or in the middle of a motorway.
 
Yep, Bollywood and Fairy tales (although some can be true :p ).

Save yourselves people, dont watch bollywood, or any -wood for that matter.
 

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