Frustrations in getting married

[ardianto]

And the poor guy with a long beard who follows the sunnah and wears his trousers above his ankles and because of this no one wants to employ him cos they think he's a terrorist is left alone wondering why no women wants to marry him.

While the clean shaven guy who's probably done all sorts and doesn't give a toss about the sunnah and goes drinking with his kafir work mates lands the bride cos her parents didnt want her to marry "a loser with a beard who prays all day long" What a twisted world we've come to live in.

I know some brothers with long beard who follow sunnah and wear their trouser above the ankles, and they have been married. What they do to make money for their families is trading. They don't sell their own goods because they didn't have enough capital, but they sell someone else goods that entrusted to them, same like what Rasulullah (saw) had done.

They were poor but they could find women who wanted to marry them. They had no degree and didn't have money to start a business, but they could find traders who trust their goods to them. How could these happened ?. Allah opened the ways for those pious brothers.

 

[Banu_Hashim]

I appreciate that brother, but it just means you will have to strive that bit harder. But why are unemployment rates higher amongst Muslims? Wallahi this is something as a community we need to turn around. I have seen it first hand people studying for a vocational career have got those jobs alhamdulillah because they were very hard working. For the generation approaching the marrying age, it's not gonna be easy but I think going out and doing something about it is better than complaining about it.

What I'm saying is, if the worst comes to worse and you have to recieve benefit packages to survive then take it, but don't be content with it; look to earn your own living, always. As Muslims (especially in the west) we shouldn't be content with receiving charity, we always be on the upper hand, as Islam is always dominant and superior.

Fee Amaanillah.

 

[Salahudeen]

I can imagine that the competition for training posts for junior doctors is increasing but I don't think you will find a lot of doctors out of work. And they are certainly not foot-to-mouth or poor. Oh and I disagree that there is absolutely no demand for those jobs you mentioned. The competition is increasing in this climate of course which means as Muslims we need to be ahead in the game compared to our non-Muslim counter parts. If the imaam is serving the community full time then that is his job and inshaAllaah he is pious wa Allaahu 'Alam.

Yes he is serving the community full time and supporting his family off benefits so is that wrong? the fact he's supporting his family off benefits because he has no other income? Is it wrong for any man to support his family off benefits when he's tried to find a job and there's none out there? I mean I would understand where you're coming from if there was a job for every person in the population, but the fact is that there isn't enough jobs to go around as a result we have educated and highly skilled people in various fields claiming benefits, should we say to these people "you cant get married because it's haraam for you to support your wife off these benefits"

 

[Salahudeen]

I appreciate that brother, but it just means you will have to strive that bit harder. But why are unemployment rates higher amongst Muslims? Wallahi this is something as a community we need to turn around. I have seen it first hand people studying for a vocational career have got those jobs alhamdulillah because they were very hard working. For the generation approaching the marrying age, it's not gonna be easy but I think going out and doing something about it is better than complaining about it.

What I'm saying is, if the worst comes to worse and you have to recieve benefit packages to survive then take it, but don't be content with it; look to earn your own living, always. As Muslims (especially in the west) we shouldn't be content with receiving charity, we always be on the upper hand, as Islam is always dominant and superior.

Fee Amaanillah.

The bit in the bold is also what I am saying, and that we should not prevent people from getting married because their on benefits through no fault of their own. Of course working is best and earning money through a job is the best way but if things continue as they are then many people will end up on benefits and what will happen, we will stop marrying cos we don't have jobs. I don't think that is right.

 

[Banu_Hashim]

La akhi. You're twisting my words. It isn't haraam. See my previous post. I've added a bit. Fee Amaanillah.

 

[Salahudeen]

I know some brothers with long beard who follow sunnah and wear their trouser above the ankles, and they have been married. What they do to make money for their families is trading. They don't sell their own goods because they didn't have enough capital, but they sell someone else goods that entrusted to them, same like what Rasulullah (saw) had done.

They were poor but they could find women who wanted to marry them. They had no degree and didn't have money to start a business, but they could find traders who trust their goods to them. How could these happened ?. Allah opened the ways for those pious brothers.

MashaAllah may Allah bless all the practising brothers with wife's like these brothers have been blessed with ameen.

 

[Salahudeen]

La akhi. You're twisting my words. It isn't haraam. See my previous post. I've added a bit. Fee Amaanillah.

Akhi I know you didn't say it's haraam but the point is, people have made it into such, with the idea that a man on benefits can't get married. Which is silly because lots of men on benefits are married, they had jobs when they first got married and after marriage they lost their jobs and supported their families through benefits, but when it comes to a person who's never been married people say he has to have a job to get married, "if he's on benefits he can't get married", but if he claims benefits after marriage when he lost his job it's ok then. This is what I've seen.

I mean I understand no women wants to marry a lazy bum who sits on his backside all day and doesn't go out to work this is wrong, but there's also men who go out every day applying for jobs and attending interviews, but they still can't get jobs and it's not fair to say to these men that they can't get married because they're gonna use benefits to support their families.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

As'Salaam Alaaykum

I know you're not speaking for yourself, If you think everyone is searching for a pious spouse then you need to wake up and come out of your bubble,you see not everyone is searching for a pious spouse, when you reject the pious guy on benefits who can offer a standard quality of life and choose the non pious guy with a job who can offer a great quality of life, is that searching for a pious spouse? I think not.

When I stated that 'everyone is searching for a pious spouse' I meant it is something which every muslim/muslimah is generally looking for someone practising i.e. someone practising, fearing Allaah.

In my previous post i mentioned something similar, as long as the man is financially stable, provide a roof over the sister, and if he is on benefits, at the same time he should be looking for a job, if the wali is fine with this and the sister doesnt object, then good.

Financially stable can be offered on benefits didn't you know that?? I don't get your point, all what you mentioned can be offered by a man on benefits regardless if he as a job or not. He is providing through the money he gets from his benefits, that's how he is providing. A man can even provide a roof over his wifes head on benefits did you not know that?? It's called "Housing benefit". He can provide food in the cupboards also on benefits, it's called JSA, I did a two week shop on JSA and filled the cupboards with food and had £10 left over, of course you won't be able to have life of luxury and have internet/sky TV/ call pakistan on weekends but you can have an ok life. Ok, you see that money that he gets from benefits, that is his money, that he has been given, now he can do whatever he wants with it, he can go out and gamble it all away if he wants, OR he can choose to provide for his family with it, if he provides for his family with it then he is doing his islamic duty right? which is to provide for his family.

I am not denying that you should'nt do benefits. If thats what you want, then thats your case. Akhi if that's what you insist on, then do so, im not objecting.

it was about preventing sin which happens amongst the youth due to them not being able to get married they do that stuff cos they have no halal outlet for their desires

I never denied the fact that something leads to sin shouldnt be prevented, in this case marriage is an option, ofcourse.

sure not all youth are doing what I mentioned but go see what the majority of youth are doing in colleges and night clubs and then come back and tell me you think it's good idea to prevent them from marriage, they're not in the masjids praying, they're out chasing girls and fornicating in the clubs surely you can't be naive of this??

Its not exactly me who's making 'getting' married difficult for people is it? It is some parents who never brought their kids upon the deen, I am aware people out there are doing such and such. so Yes, I agree, though again i never denied the solution is marriage, the matter is whether one accepts a proposal or not, also it is upto parents to teach their children about the deen.

not everyone is a good as you, you know.

Nor did i claim to be as good as anyone!

not everyone is a good as you, you know. Let me put to you in this way maybe you'll understand better, men often say "Forget getting married in this country all the girls have been used all ready and had boyfriends they're not even virgins any more, we'll go back to Pakistan and find a girl who's remained pure" they say this because it's impossible to find a girl who hasn't been in some type of relationship. You may get the odd few good girls who remained chaste through out their life but not many. Therefore if we stopped being so fussy with out daughters we would reduce the haraam that goes on. That's what I was trying to get across.

Im nobody to judge how many they are, it is only Allaah who knows whats in their hearts. I understand your point bro, I repeat im not saying people should not get married, it is a solution islam placed, how can i not accept it? To be honest I dont even know what this discussion is about anymore.

but, Jazakallaahu Khaayr

Well if a person is looking for a job and trying to find one then it won't be forever will it?? You didn't mention top job but you said he must have a job to be able to provide and I asked you to explain why he needs a job to provide when he can provide on benefits can't he??

I did'nt deny your point being on benefits being helpful either! I meant that a man is generally the provider, and if he is unable to do so for the time being, he should do what is of help for that certain amount of time, untill he can, which I think i believe is what you are saying, also myself, though it seems i've not made it clear enough, so i apologise.

Yes but the reason for not accepting a person shows a lot about character, if you reject a person with good deen because he won't be able to provide your daughter with the life of a queen, due to him being on benefits he can only provide a standard life style then what does that say? what are you looking for? Are you looking for piety or money?

Brother please re-read my posts. I mentioned if I had a daughter and wouldnt have any problem marrying her off to someone who is on deen and also has a roof over themselves. so if he had to do benefits, no problem, but he would be searching for job at the same time ofcourse then that will be their own family matter, i.e the daughter also agrees, or she may want to help in etc.

I don't think so because marriage protects you from zina.

Akhi, no doubt about that.

You're missing the point, what is the consequence very often of parents delaying their childs marriage? their child falls into sin right not all the time but most of the time? so isn't it better they get their child married off to a pious person ASAP rather than have their kids wait around for that dream guy who's pious with a job? No I don't think they will accept and this is precisely my point that it's wrong because their creating an environment for their child where they're likely to fall into sin. Do you not see that?

Yes, ofcourse its wrong. There are many different situations, where parents want child married of, but child doesnt accept, or childs wants to marry someone but parents dont accept.do you also get my point? I think we can sit and discuss this for ages, we may never even come to an end.

I believe you've made it clear in your recent post,

but there's also men who go out every day applying for jobs and attending interviews, but they still can't get jobs and it's not fair to say to these men that they can't get married because they're gonna use benefits to support their families.

so in conclusion what your saying is that marriage is a solution to all these mess up's being taken place today, and I agree. But the matter is left upon these individual's to educate themselves first, which they lack much of. If one feel's they have no other option to provide for their family, it seems benefit is one option to consider, but to consider themselves finding a job also. I hope i havent said anything wrong, if so please do correct me.

i hope that this discussion is over as i feel you've made your point clear and insha'Allaah i have too.


may Allaah SWT ease the situations of those who want to marry Aameen.

jazakallaahu Khaayr.

 

[GuestFellow]

I appreciate that brother, but it just means you will have to strive that bit harder. But why are unemployment rates higher amongst Muslims?

Salaam,

Discrimination and location are factors to be considered.

BTW, do you have evidence that unemployment rates is higher in Muslim communities? I would also like to add, the government does not consider people who are not claiming benefits like JSA to be unemployed.

Wallahi this is something as a community we need to turn around. I have seen it first hand people studying for a vocational career have got those jobs alhamdulillah because they were very hard working. For the generation approaching the marrying age, it's not gonna be easy but I think going out and doing something about it is better than complaining about it.

Getting a job is VERY hard. When you are unemployed for more than a year, you are going to complain and vent out your frustration, especially when you only have 3 or 5 interviews and applied for thousands of jobs with few responses. The economy is crap at the moment and there are not many jobs. Most employers prefer to recruit people that are already employed from my experience.

 

[Salahudeen]

Salaam,

Discrimination and location are factors to be considered.

BTW, do you have evidence that unemployment rates is higher in Muslim communities? I would also like to add, the government does not consider people who are not claiming benefits like JSA to be unemployed.



Getting a job is VERY hard. When you are unemployed for more than a year, you are going to complain and vent out your frustration, especially when you only have 3 or 5 interviews and applied for thousands of jobs with few responses. The economy is crap at the moment and there are not many jobs. Most employers prefer to recruit people that are already employed from my experience.

Tell me about it, I have 1 year of uni left and I am stressing about what's gonna happen when I finish, I don't wanna be sitting around doing nothing, I got an SIA badge which means I could do security guard jobs if I can manage to get one, and at the same time I will apply for jobs related to my degree. But the future isn't looking bright :heated:

Quite a few companies who were offering graduate schemes are no longer offering them my friend who graduated last year is becoming increasingly frustrated with each passing day because he's studied for the last 3 years and he can't land a job. I have a feeling I'll be joining him.

I thought I would be ok because when I started my degree people were going, "Oh the recession will be over by the time you graduate and everything will pick up so don't worry about it" but it hasn't.

And all the jobs that are related to my degree are in London for some reason, I don't get why, but compared to London all the other towns don't have much jobs.

The riots I think were a result of increasing frustration amongst people about the fact that they can't get a job to work for the things they want.

The more time you're out of a job and doing nothing the more stress and pressure builds up on you and you just burst eventually from all the stress and pressure of trying to get someone to employ you.

 

[إحسان]

You should have said "Uhhh.. no thanks! But I have a sister! In fact two of them... take your pick!"

It was actually a kind of scary encounter, I don't talk much to boys so I was stuttering a bit out of embarrassment - I go to an all girls school . I was standing at the bus stop reading off my book, and he was leaning on a nearby tree staring at me for a good two minutes. This is how the convo went - I posted this after the event happened straight away after I came home nearly two months ago on the islamic forum islamway sisters, so I'm copying & pasting what I wrote then:


'AsSalamu Alaykum sister... I'm looking for a wife and uh it's absolutely hard to find a good wife here and I thought maybe you'd be interested. I tho-' (I cut him off)

'I'm too young to be honest' I'm SIXTEEEN!!! I guess I was dressed maturely then usual since I was wearing an abaya instead of normal clothes that covered my body.

'Aren't you a University student?' (I was carrying books, so he misunderstood)

'No, I'm 16... sorry' He looked flushed :/

'Ohh' He looked down at his feet...

'There's a nearby masjid, you can ask around there if you'd like'

'Oh okay, no worries.'

Then he fled off on the next bus while speaking on the phone (by his accent I could tell he was Iraqi 100%)

I don't know if it's right if I told the guy to ask my older sisters. Or maybe I should have but there'd be so much awkwardness! :hiding:

Anyway, I was totally freaked out, and kinda upset since the man mistook me for being 3/4 years older than my actual age but I guess I was dressed maturely that day. But oh well. When I told my sisters and my brother they laughed and told their friends... A proposal at the bus stop. :giggling:

 

[noorseeker]

Its not looking rosy for the economy for a few years yet,

what i dont get is Weddings are still gettin more extravagant

I wonder when the asian recession is going to start:hmm:

 

[Salahudeen]

Its not looking rosy for the economy for a few years yet,

what i dont get is Weddings are still gettin more extravagant

I wonder when the asian recession is going to start:hmm:

lol I was eating something as I read your post and nearly choked cos I laughed so hard. Brother noor, they take out loans to cover the wedding, they don't have that kind of cash stored in the bank.

I heard sad news the other day that this couple who had such a big wedding that it was the talk of the town, it was so big no 1 in our community had ever done a wedding as big as they did it, the boys father was a doctor so they could afford the full works, anyway I heard they split up after 9 months of marriage. :hmm:

 

[noorseeker]

Nice to see you laughing,, ;D I can see this thread has brought your frustations out .

My family are finding me people but i have to say no as im enough debt as it is.

But they think that i dont want to get married.

And ive said it to them , all they want is a wedding is closer to home, as in the family, so they can dress up for the day.;D

 

[Salahudeen]

Nice to see you laughing,, ;D I can see this thread has brought your frustations out .

My family are finding me people but i have to say no as im enough debt as it is.

But they think that i dont want to get married.

And ive said it to them , all they want is a wedding is closer to home, as in the family, so they can dress up for the day.;D

Sorry 2 hear that, well getting married closer to home is certainly easier because people are more trusting since they know everything about you and watched you grow up, but don't leave it too late, doesn't debt get written off after a certain number of years?

 

[Banu_Hashim]

Its not looking rosy for the economy for a few years yet,

what i dont get is Weddings are still gettin more extravagant

I wonder when the asian recession is going to start:hmm:

ahh, don't get me started on asian weddings! Ridiculously over the top! I still don't understand it!

 

[GuestFellow]

Salaam,

Tell me about it, I have 1 year of uni left and I am stressing about what's gonna happen when I finish, I don't wanna be sitting around doing nothing, I got an SIA badge which means I could do security guard jobs if I can manage to get one, and at the same time I will apply for jobs related to my degree. But the future isn't looking bright :heated:

Quite a few companies who were offering graduate schemes are no longer offering them my friend who graduated last year is becoming increasingly frustrated with each passing day because he's studied for the last 3 years and he can't land a job. I have a feeling I'll be joining him.

I thought I would be ok because when I started my degree people were going, "Oh the recession will be over by the time you graduate and everything will pick up so don't worry about it" but it hasn't.

And all the jobs that are related to my degree are in London for some reason, I don't get why, but compared to London all the other towns don't have much jobs.

The riots I think were a result of increasing frustration amongst people about the fact that they can't get a job to work for the things they want.

The more time you're out of a job and doing nothing the more stress and pressure builds up on you and you just burst eventually from all the stress and pressure of trying to get someone to employ you.

I feel your pain. o_o

Here are some tips:

1. Get your CV and Cover Letter done by a professional. The Cover Letter highlights your main skills that are relevant to the job and the CV is a summary about you. Make sure you update your CV on a regular basis.

2. Volunteer. Volunteering can help build up some experience.

3. Learn new skills. Skills such as Pitman Shorthand, Touch Typing, First Aid, EDCL course and so on can significantly improve your chances of getting a job.

4. Learn a new language.

5. Work Trial Placement. On your cover letter or CV, make an offer to do a work trial placement.

6. Practice interview! There are centres where you can practice having an interview.

These tips are not good but it did help me a little.

 

[Who Am I?]

Well it looks like I missed quite the argument while I was gone.

My opinion has still not changed. I'm still not ready to find a wife, but maybe I will be soon.

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

Have we come to a conclusion yet, after 10 pages of discussion?

 

[noorseeker]

Conclusion

we are not following islam properly