Frustrations in getting married

[kingkong]

There is nothing worse, nothing worse than divorce in terms of all the halal things Muslims can do, unfortunately people are lost in terms of prioritizing what's important nowadays and hence why not only in the western world, but in the Muslim world divorce rates are soaring.

 

[*Yasmin*]

You say women are expensive and emotionally expensive, that is correct they are, the question is, should they be? On average my uncle's outfits cost £15-£30, perhaps an expensive shirt might cost £25, but that's for special occasions, the average suit my aunty wears costs £150 if the husbands don't spend that much on their wives, they are considered stingy/miserly. Women seriously and moreso their families, seriously seriously need to be like this, a wedding should cost around £2000 not £20000, all that money, especially in these difficult times, would help them buy a house much sooner. I hate weddings, I absolutely hate them because I think of the poor guys, the men who have been emotionally forced into spending this outrageous amount on the wedding.

I don't know a single man, you guys can dispute this if you like, I don't know a single man who cares about whether his wedding is fancy or not, whether it's the most extravagant the town has seen. But the ladies, that have to have it extravagant, no matter how extravagant it will never be extravagant enough. Due to the cost of my wedding, I will not be able to buy a house for a least another 3 years, had it been a simple wedding, I could have perhaps bought on within the next 4 months, at least put the deposit down for one.

and guys aren't you expensive too? when you want to buy a car don't you look for the best and newest car so you can boast a little infront your male friends?
and if you have enough money you buy your wife a dumb car and let her drives it and you feel shy to drive it when your other fancy car isn't around for whatever reason
moreover, i know some men who are obsessed with fancy things, every t-shirt must be with a tag!, like my cousins and my friend's father.. i can make a long list !


regarding the fancy wedding that "our cultures" oblige us for it. you said it, it's a culture problem not "an abstract women problem"
first of all we should bear in mind it's not the "wife wedding" alone, for example, where i live the wedding lasts two - three days, one day for the bride, another day for the groom, last day for both of them and it's basically for the groom coz the bride just sit there like a chair!.

another problem is even the grandparents and parents generations had problems getting married too coz of "cultures problem", but most of them aren't learning from past experiences, now when anyone asks for daughters' or granddaughters' hands they make it difficult for the guys!
and sometimes it's not just because the girl's family, there are problems from both sides.
my very best friend got engaged last july and she begged her mother-in-law not to make a party, but she refused she said: 'my son is my only one, i must feel happy in that day and ppl are supposed to share this happiness with me!' and the poor guy had to follow his mum's wish!, and my friend couldn't stay stubborn coz of the new "mother-in law".

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

A man like Brother Ardianto is great find for ladies

Brother Ardianto, you have slots 2, 3 and 4 empty? ;D;D;D;D

 

[SFatima]

Most of what people say, sounds easy but putting it into practise is much more complex.

Exactly, its complex, and thats why its getting too late for so many singles out there, it isn't always the choice to be single, not with muslim girls atleast.

I would also like to say it's pretty bad that these days boys and girls are remaining single until their late 20s and some people till their 30s. What are the families of these young people playing at? What are these people playing at? Actually 30 is not young at all, it's definitely not an age you would call young.

I agreed with most of your post, except this. Like i said earlier, no girl chooses to be single and I will specifically speak of girls here, since in muslim cultures and in decent families, girls only "get married" they don't get to choose who or when to marry. They are at complete disposal of their parents, its the parents who should strike some sense into their heads, they do sometimes pick and choose a lot, but there is also a severe shortage of men who come from decent families and want average/nice looking girls who don't look like white hoors, along with being a professional, she should be absolutely charming, should know all cuisines, be meek and well dressed, and her family well placed.

Also, such men themselves Ususally belong to the drinking, party and hanging out with girls class, its nothing for them, they call it 'being modern'. I myself have such proposals, and its shocking when i refuse them citing differences of ideologies, they are like no we are fine with religious girls, our moms are fine with too, as long as you don't bug me for what I do, and rest assured I'll never be asking about what you do either.???? Hugely disappointing!

And the few religious brothers that I did get proposals from,( they were 5 timers to the masjid, beards and all) and well well well, they thought I wasn't beautiful enough as they desired and not 16 either,(after giving me lectures on hazrat khadija being their favorite woman, what sheer hypocrisy lol, and its not like that I'm too bad looking :embarrasslol just not as fair as they wanted, as most people of our race are) , and I was just like a yr or two younger than them, which they cited as ," uhh you're too old for me" ,despite the fact that they looked much older/fatter/ weirder and ill dressed than I. I have been hearing the same crap for quite sometime now, and it really makes you wonder who really is at fault, the men or the women. Girls usually dont make an issue out of looks, but a working guy is definitely a requirement, since he has to raise a family, but if 90% of the men go for fair skinned beauties, why try to make the odd skinned ones feel bad about themselves? And when they do get passed over, what should they do? Should they run out and marry anyone who agrees to, and not have a decent respectable marriage?


All in all, I think there is a time written for marriage, and for the right partner, I really believe in that. Offcorse you can always rush in and marry anyone just for the heck of getting married, but then there are so many divorces and incompatibilities these days even in musim communities, that it makes you really think long before you take a decision.

I really don't think everyone understands the situation well unless they're in it, it may appear to others as if the delay is intentional, but it usually isn't. One of my uncles is 35 and despite having it all, he is an amazing human being, respectful, strong willed, caring, earning comfortable, isn't married cuz the girl he wanted to marry, his mother completely refused to allow him to, with emotional drama, just because she was of a different caste, what ignorance. He, after that, got so annoyed that he would reject every single girl she would choose for him.( In our culture the mothers choose the bride for their sons ). Its the same to this day, since he is of old school ideas and now,the girls today are very different n immature for his liking, he doesn't like them so much, may Allah give everyone the spouses that they deserve and soon, ameen.

I think parents have a Huge role in the late marriages of their children, its them who shape their thinking, and its them who have the means and the finances to marry them off if they intend to get them married off before the men have stable careers, which is quite difficult in the economic crunch of these days. If a person's parents aren't willing, the most he can do is talk about it, and most parents of our culture are like, don't even ask, they are as rigid about silly cultural norms as steel. May Allah forgive me for saying this, and may Allah swt guide all, ameen.

 

[kingkong]

I think parents have a Huge role in the late marriages of their children

They have a massive role to play if they decide to play one, if they don't peole need to use a bit of common sense and go to an Imam, it's a person's own fault if they decide to hang around forever in the hope their parents might take an active interest in their future.

No one can help you out if you don't bother helping yourself out first, isn't that the saying?

 

[SFatima]

Here It also deserves the mention, how the media and looking at all those unrealistically beautiful women who sell their bodies and souls , are there to change the perception of beauty of men( with all the air brushed graphically adjusted images). Men may deny, but all the actresses and singers and all those fantasy figures in console /pc /playstation games, inadvertently form men's perception of beauty close to that standard, one of the biggest reason they start finding even attractive girls , unattractive and their vision soars higher than the reality.

And then there are mothers and sisters who would criticize the choice of their brother or family member if he chooses a nice but not 'Very beautiful enough' girl, with the innuendos of " huhh is this your choice? wait, we'll look for a more beautiful woman for you" and most guys fall for that..

 

[SFatima]

They have a massive role to play if they decide to play one, if they don't peole need to use a bit of common sense and go to an Imam, it's a person's own fault if they decide to hang around forever in the hope their parents might take an active interest in their future.
No one can help you out if you don't bother helping yourself out first, isn't that the saying?

Sure, its applicable for men, but not for women, the imam only plays the role of the salah leader, he does not take responsibility for any other thing. Like in this masjid that I know, the imam is not even allowed to speak in favor of women, or point out serious loop holes of male thinking since these arrogant uncles always make a fuss about it. I hate arrogant people! Besides, no-one would step up to marry a girl who chooses to sideline her parents to go to the Imam, it is a culture where even men are mommy's boys , and honestly who wishes to marry such men who can't even stand up for what they believe in .

But, I guess something should be done about this attitude, we should distribute pamphlets or some really powerful kind of literature.

 

[kingkong]

Here It also deserves the mention, how the media and looking at all those unrealistically beautiful women who sell their bodies and souls , are there to change the perception of beauty of men( with all the air brushed graphically adjusted images). Men may deny, but all the actresses and singers and all those fantasy figures in console /pc /playstation games, inadvertently form men's perception of beauty close to that standard, one of the biggest reason they start finding even attractive girls , unattractive and their vision soars higher than the reality.

And then there mothers and sisters who would criticize the choice of their brother or family member if he chooses a nice but not 'Very beautiful enough' girl, with the innuendos of " huhh is this your choice? wait, we'll look for a more beautiful woman for you" and most guys fall for that..

I read this and I thought how messed up from the guys but I also thought why are ugly girls always crying about bring ugly? Why don't the ugly girls find some ugly boys?

 

[ardianto]

A man like Brother Ardianto is great find for ladies

The great find for those ladies are their husbands. The great find for you is your husband.

Brother Ardianto, you have slots 2, 3 and 4 empty?

As a Muslim male I have four slots. But all of those slots have been used by my wife.

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

As a Muslim male I have four slots. But all of those slots have been used by my wife.

aww...:wub: how cute...:wub: <3 :

 

[SFatima]

I read this and I thought how messed up from the guys but I also thought why are ugly girls always crying about bring ugly? Why don't the ugly girls find some ugly boys?

No one is ugly, please use sensible language. If you find somebody ugly, that is the ugliness of one's eyes, not their skins.

Secondly, actually ugly is one's mannerisms and their inner self, sorry I don't agree that men who are ugly inside deserve women who are the un-seemingly looking ( which in your terminology is called ugly) you just contradicted your earlier statement here, maybe if you ever have an ugly daughter, you'll be more empathetic towards her needs, and please do find her an ugly boy of your choice.

Thirdly, not all beautiful women and men are able to pass on their genes, it is Allah's will who to make as He wishes. I know a girl who is very beautiful and her parents are both entirely plain looking and of different features and complexion. And I also know many girls who have really plain looking moms and their daughters turn out quite pretty.

 

[Salahudeen]

Beauty is whatever we perceive to be beautiful, one man's beauty queen is another man's Shrek, attraction is relative to each individual, you may find someone ugly but someone else will find that person beautiful because we all have tastes and likes, so if you feel ugly and feel like no 1 will like you, don't give up hope cos for someone out there you will be like beauty queen. People often say about a couple "what does that guy see in her, he's way to good for her" but they fail to realize they're not looking at her through that guys eyes, if they were they'd see something completely different, so don't feel ugly people.

However I do feel that because the society we live in constantly flaunts women at men from all directions, what men find attractive has become slightly warped, because they've been overly exposed to women they find it hard to see beauty in the average woman, where as men who come from very reserved countries that don't flaunt women everywhere, they are able to find attractiveness in all most every women because they haven't been exposed day in day out to many different women flaunting themselves.

 

[Riana17]

aww...:wub: how cute...:wub: <3 :

Salam

Lol I said the 'Like' of Brother Ardianto are the kinds of husbands to die for. Amen

Brother Ardianto, alhamdollelah you are right, he is meant for me and after religion, my husband is the blessings of Allah I thank the Most

. Alhamdollelah

 

[SFatima]

so if you feel ugly and feel like no 1 will like you, don't give up hope cos for someone out there y

I know this ain't directed to me but I am not ugly , I'm very good looking masAllah :statisfie ( how modest ;D)
But looks don't play the slightest part where I gather my confidence from, I have this friend who is quite pretty and she is always alwayyyyss in a looksworry :, Result: she spends an awful lot of time on her appearance and dressing, and has very few manners or any skills besides looking good, looks down upon people who don't wear expensive stuff and etc.

What use is the appreciation of your looks if it isn't even helping you as a person, and makes you believe in the delusional extent of the affect of your beauty on others, such an azmayesh( test) to even have good looks.

 

[SFatima]

SALAM ALAIKKUM

That's why arrogant & proud

people will never go to Jannah Sister

And as you said, we hope our single Sisters can see that before hand. Amen

I'm loving your new smileys, where'd you get them from?

 

[*Yasmin*]

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" ...

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

I'm loving your new smileys, where'd you get them from?

zaazu.com.....?

 

[ardianto]

My good looking friend told me "my wife is absolutely not beautiful".

That's true, his wife is not beautiful. But I know why he married the girl who now becomes his wife (and still love her until now). Because she is an attractive woman.

Confused ?. Let me explain. Beauty is not same as attraction. Every beautiful person is attractive person. But not every attractive person is beautiful person. Like my friend's wife, she is absolutely not beautiful. But she has nice character and personality. She could make people feel comfortable talking with her, and she is always treat people nicely. It's make her becomes attractive woman. I know her since long time ago before she married. And honestly, in the past I attracted to her too , but my friend had comes earlier.

So, sisters who physically not beautiful do not need to worry. They can be attractive persons if they have nice character and personality. And how to raise nice character and personality ?. Like bro Murad has said, with confidence.

Is physical beauty the only attraction for woman and for man ?

People say women are attracted to handsomeness. That's true, but only immature women who then impressed by handsomeness and regard handsomeness as everything. Mature women attracted to handsomeness only in one moment, in the next moment they begin to notice character and personality. And when mature women meet men who not physically handsome they will directly notice to character and personality.

For mature women, the man's main attraction is character & personality, not handsomeness.

People say men are attracted to beauty. That's true, but only immature men (and those who are looking for sex-partner only) who then impressed by beauty and regard beauty as everything. Mature men attracted to beauty only in one moment, in the next moment they begin to notice character and personality. And when mature men meet women who not physically beautiful they will directly notice to character and personality.

For mature men, the woman's main attraction is character & personality, not beauty.

 

[ardianto]

I hate weddings, I absolutely hate them because I think of the poor guys, the men who have been emotionally forced into spending this outrageous amount on the wedding.

I don't know a single man, you guys can dispute this if you like, I don't know a single man who cares about whether his wedding is fancy or not, whether it's the most extravagant the town has seen. But the ladies, that have to have it extravagant, no matter how extravagant it will never be extravagant enough

In the time when I and my wife was in engagement period. She told me, wedding is something that once in a life. So, she told me she wanted to get wedding party in wedding hall and invite many guests. I said "OK". She requested me too, she wanted to get honeymoon to Bali and Lombok Island. I said "OK".

Then we got our wedding. Like I have written in other post, the cost for wedding and also for honeymoon was not so expensive. But enough to buy a car. And like I have written in another thread, in Indonesia, wedding guest give money. Yes, we got money. But because many guests were from poor area where my parents in law were living, we didn't get big ammount. My wife took small amount. And the rest, the bigger amount ?. My wife requested me "May I give it to my parents ?. I said "OK".

Two years later, I lost my company, lost many treasures, and fell into bankruptcy. If I didn't spend money for wedding and honeymoon, I still had enough money to build a new company. But, did I regret having to give my wife a wedding party and honeymoon ?. No ! what had passed, let it go. The only thing in my mind was how about tomorrow and the future.

All women in the world expect marriage once in life-time only. And wedding becomes their unforgetable moment. So, is understandable if they want to get wedding party, although not always extravagant wedding party.

I know you have been married, and I know you have spent much money in your wedding party. But don't blame your wife for it. It's better if you think about tomorrow and the future. What has passed, let it go.

 

[jimbo123]

Confused ?. Let me explain. Beauty is not same as attraction. Every beautiful person is attractive person. But not every attractive person is beautiful.

Sorry I don't want to sound like the grammar police. I agree with everything you said in this thread. I think what you meant to say was every human is beautiful but not everyone is attractive - or what one person finds attractive won't always be the same for another person.

Now, time to work on my confidence so I can get married