Frustrations in getting married

assalam o alikum
according to women they don't want fear from marriage because they think that they will not able to adjust with the new family. while man thinks that their wife will not accept their mother and she will create mess
 
:salam:


What does one do when laid off by the flu?......Read through all 42 pages of peoples frustrations, lol :P

Just wanted to share a few thoughts in shaa Allah. For those who are single/ widowed/ divorced,

1. View this as a test from Allah (subhanawataála):

When we are tried by means of our health/ wealth/ loss of loved ones, etc, we are able to realise that this is a means of Allah Taa'la testing us in sabr (patience).
Yet often, when one is tested by a delay/ denial of marriage, we (or our families) may not accept this as readily.

If we fully accept that Allah azza wajjal only wants that which is best for us - and the best being, drawing nearer to HIM and further away from this dunya, then we know with all of our hearts, that our current state of affairs is only for OUR good.

There is ONLY good in whatever Allah has planned for our lives (when we make it a means of seeking His closeness).

We may not realise it - often because we are so consumed by our own emotions, and unhappiness of not receiving what WE had planned for our lives.
But if we just let go of our own expectations, and say: 'O Allah, I accept whatever YOU have decreed for my life, because YOU are the best of planners.....', then we adopt a state of 'tafweez' - i.e resigning oneself completely to the will of Allah Taa'la.

So, it may be that you marry late.....or that you marry and it doesnt work out......or that you never marry at all.
If you are making the correct effort in this regard, then do not despair - leave the rest to Allah Taa'la.
And if HE so wills, He will make a way out for you <--- have complete trust in this. By the will of Allah, anything is possible.

2. Whenever you find yourself brooding about being single - then immediately turn your attention to all that Allah (subhanawataála) has blessed you with.
His countless favors upon you, each and every day is out of His love and mercy for you.
And so too is fact that you are currently unmarried.....

Think about the reasons why Allah (subhanawataála) has chosen to keep you single at present:
- Perhaps He knows that if He were to bless you with marriage, then you may no longer turn to Him in earnest duaa......and so He keeps you in waiting.
- Perhaps He is protecting you from an even greater calamity (than that of being single) - e.g one just has to speak to someone who is/ was involved in an abusive/ deceptive marriage to appreciate that perhaps Allah is protecting you from this as well.
- Perhaps He knows that through this trial, you will be rewarded with sooo much more in the Aakhirah (if you were to have patience and persevere in prayer), that He is with-holding this worldly delight from you.


3. While there is undoubtedly many benefits to marriage, there are also benefits to being single.
One of them being the fact that you have much more time available to you for the worship of Allah.
Ask anyone with kids - how much free time they have to themselves, then you will really appreciate what a blessing it can be to have the chance to devote your time to the remembrance of Allah, to learning Quraan and deen, to involve yourself in projects that will be of benefit to the community, to travel (if you have the means) etc.
Wallahi, once you are married/ have children, you often do not even have the chance to remain seated after salaah and engage in zikr and extra nafl ibaadat.
So, dont waste these precious moments that Allah (subhanawata'laa) has blessed you with - this is a bounty in itself!


4. Finally, keep your eyes focused on the ULTIMATE goal in life.
Its not to get married.
Its not to achieve the highest social standing.
Its not about your kids/ wealth.....or anything tied to this worldly life.

Our goal is earning the pleasure of Allah (subhanawataála) - and thereby earning Jannah (in shaa Allah).

So what - if you never experience the pleasure of marriage during this short life in this dunya?
There may be periods of loneliness and fighting off temptations, etc but: Can we even compare an ETERNAL life to one that is numbered by double digits (in most cases).
One day, when our hearts cease, we take our final breathes and we are lowered below layers of sand - we certainly will not be fretting about being unmarried.
We will face Allah alone with our deeds - no spouse/ kids to accompany us.


So for those who are making efforts to seek marriage but are unsuccessful (for whatever reason, best known to Allah), stay focused.

And remember, you may think that you are facing this world on your own.
But you are not.....Allah is WITH YOU!
And He loves you, more than any person on this earth can.
And He wants to grant such types of pleasures in the Hereafter, that we cannot even imagine.
So, make your efforts - but in the end, trust in His plan.


May Allah (subhanwataa'la) bless all my brothers and sisters with righteous, loving, compatible spouses who will be the strength of each others' imaan.
And for those upon whom marriage is not decreed, then may He fill their hearts with sabr (patience) and make it a means of achieving a high status in the aakhirah.
Ameen.


:wasalam:
 
wa'alaikum salam

l have gotten a lot of proposals so far but they don't have what l want in my future hubby :hmm:
 
which is?
well being good in the religion, does not listen to music and memorized the qur'an and acts upon it. you know having a family who memorized the Qur'an by heart is very beautiful... l myself am not perfect in the religion bt l try my best to please Allah
 
sohail1234 said:
assalam o alikum
according to women they don't want fear from marriage because they think that they will not able to adjust with the new family. while man thinks that their wife will not accept their mother and she will create mess
Click to expand...
Conflict between the wife and the mother in-law is common happen in marriage. However, from my experience and other people experiences that I've seen, this conflict is not as bad as in TV dramas that dramatized too much. :D

The key for the husband to reconcile this conflict is fair to both side, and stand in the middle. It will make the wife and the mother start thinking to compromise.
 
Here's an Idea,

Why don't we open a thread where you can state your stats and preferences for what you are looking for. Then if anyone is interested or know of anyone looking, can inform the poster. It'll be a lot more helpful then everyone sharing their frustrations here.
 
islamica said:
Here's an Idea,

Why don't we open a thread where you can state your stats and preferences for what you are looking for. Then if anyone is interested or know of anyone looking, can inform the poster. It'll be a lot more helpful then everyone sharing their frustrations here.
Click to expand...

:salam: sister,

Nice suggestion..... yet I do fear that it may result in the forum attracting more members for its 'match-making' resources than for its islamic ones.

Perhaps if a member has a genuine/ serious interest in another, he can contact admin directly to facilitate it in some way.....
Apart from this....I dont know.....
What does admin think?
 
@ sister Islamica and sister Zaria

Notice from the habit of (some) members here that reject each other in matrimonial sites after seeing photos, I'm worry it will cause more frustration among members in this forum. They must be want to see photo of someone they interested. And after seeing photos?

I don't say brothers and sisters here are not handsome or not beautiful. But people often have too high expectation toward beauty and focus on it.
 
~Zaria~ said:
:salam: sister,

Nice suggestion..... yet I do fear that it may result in the forum attracting more members for its 'match-making' resources than for its islamic ones.

Perhaps if a member has a genuine/ serious interest in another, he can contact admin directly to facilitate it in some way.....
Apart from this....I dont know.....
What does admin think?
Click to expand...

wrwb :wa:

I'm not saying to make it like that, anyone who has over 100 posts can post in that thread. They just post their info and nothing more. If anyone is interested or know of someone in their community looking, they can PM that particular member and they can go via normal route outside this forum for further actions.

Admin could even open a marriage section, like brothers only and sisters only section. Regular members who have enough posts to qualify can apply to access to that section and they can view or share info.

ardianto said:
@ sister Islamica and sister Zaria

Notice from the habit of (some) members here that reject each other in matrimonial sites after seeing photos, I'm worry it will cause more frustration among members in this forum. They must be want to see photo of someone they interested. And after seeing photos?

I don't say brothers and sisters here are not handsome or not beautiful. But people often have too high expectation toward beauty and focus on it.
Click to expand...

It's the same outside as well, you will meet people of all standards and preferences, it doesn't mean we should run away from it. If you have like minded individuals here, then what good is it to hang ground here talking about islam this and islam that and then complaining you can't find someone in the world when you can benefit from this pool group.
 
Some pretty good posts here!

I just wanted to add my 2 pence, the fact that some may find it difficult to marry is simply because it's a test from Allah and the time just isn't right yet. I reckon, those of us born into Muslim families are actually very lucky, it is always easier for us to find a match but I was watching a TV show about new converts to Islam and they all seemed to find it very difficult to find partners. There is the usual issue of racial and cultural divides, which Islamically shouldn't even be a problem.

I have however, come across many masjids up and down the country (I'm from the UK) which hold a sort of match making service, where people put forward what they may like in a partner and so on and a match is found. Some even hold meetings which I'm not too sure about but there are plenty of ways to go out there and find a wife/husband in a halal fashion. So just have patience, Inshallah we will all find the perfect match for us when Allah decrees it.
 
:salamext:

:jz: for the suggestions to help brothers and sisters to get married. We have had a number of such suggestions in the past but we have always discouraged them and avoided even links to other matrimonial websites. It would place a lot of responsibility on us as a forum and could open the door to fitnah. I also do not think we have the resource to manage this in addition to other responsibilities on the forum. There are other things to bear in mind too, such as the fact that it is probably safer and better in most cases to seek the help of family, friends, Islamic centres etc. than using the internet. So currently we do not have any plans to put such things in place. May Allaah :swt: facilitate the best for all Muslims and guide us to what pleases Him, Aameen.
 
A mahr on 200,000 EUR. That's my biggest frustration. Such requirements are highly unpractical, I mean where am I (a young man btw) supposed to get that type of money. Fathers are pushing the youth to zinah. I live in the west, and it's very easy for me to get a girlfriend, it's a common practice actually to get easy pleasure. Why the hell should I put myself in a lifetime of debt just to get married? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that anyones daughter is not worth the effort but all I'm saying is that such mahrs are unpractical, and that you will rarely be able to find a man that is able to pay that kind of money, unless he come from a richer family of course. I personally live in a socialist society, so much of the income is going to the state anyway, the high class is a very low percentage of people, and I'm surely not a part of it.
What's even more frustrating is to see the muslim men giving up on marriage because it's a big burden. Maybe it's because of their low morals, but if that's the case, the muslims aren't giving them a chance to better themselves. So even though I'm not justifying zina, and I never will, I see that muslims aren't giving people a chance.

The second frustration is to find women with hijab, that has been my primary request. Then comes attributes like beauty, morals, being able to take care of a home. Yeah, another problem with feminist Sweden is that women lack the skill or ability to take care of their own children, they put them in day care and go to work!! You see if a women stays at home and takes care of her children, then she's oppressed. She has to be liberated!

The third frustration is to get a good job, in fact that's why I'm studying, to have an income. But that'll take years and by the time I'm done I'll be 25 years old. But no problems, the average age for marriage in the west is 45 for the male, and 40 for the female. After 25 years of partying and various relationships one they can finally rest.
Of course I'm being sarcastic here, but that's very close to the truth.

The fourth frustration is all the fatwas that are around for limiting people's sexual life. You know what I'm talking about: No masturbation. You can also not see your own wife naked (I'm not joking), you must have a blanket on.... What the hell. Of course I'm gonna see my wife naked.
This is an insult to Islam itself, Islam is a practical religion.


Caution: By muslims I'm not counting shia or sufi, I have no interest in marrying mushrikeen. I'm talking about families with a correct aqeedah, that follow the Quran and the Sunnah.
 
One recurring theme has been brothers ranting about how they won't be accepted for marriage unless they have established careers and the steady incomes that come with it.

Should it be like that? It's hard for the brother, but what stance should everyone else whom it concerns assume?

Unmarried sisters: Would you marry a man who has a low-wage job and no intention of striving for much more (but who takes the job he has seriously)? Or one who is still studying and doesn't have much of an income at the moment, though possibly a future one?

Everyone: If you had a daughter and such a man requested to court her, would you let him? If your daughter would want to marry him, would you give your endorsal to it or would you try try to convince her not to do it?

None of the above questions are rhetorical, I'm genuinely interested.
 
Born_Believer said:
I reckon, those of us born into Muslim families are actually very lucky, it is always easier for us to find a match but I was watching a TV show about new converts to Islam and they all seemed to find it very difficult to find partners. There is the usual issue of racial and cultural divides, which Islamically shouldn't even be a problem.
Click to expand...

I'm very late to the conversation, but I'll add my thoughts. As a recent revert to Islam, I think that Born_Believer is correct. Many reverts say that the hardest part of accepting Islam is praying, adjusting their diet, or giving up friendships that lead to harmful behavior. Personally, I have been thrilled to do these things! For me, the only challenge is accepting the fact that I will almost certainly not be able find a pious, Muslim wife. I just can't imagine a scenario in which a devout Muslim woman would accept a proposal from me, being aware that I spent much of my life in a very un-Muslim way. I'm educated, and I work constantly to become a better Muslim, but I don't think this will matter. I thought that Muslim women, and their fathers, were supposed to look for these qualities in a husband, but I guess that's just a dream. It is really quite saddening to know that I will miss out on such an important part of the religion. But, whatever Allah (swt) gives me, I will gladly accept.
 
Born_Believer said:
I have however, come across many masjids up and down the country (I'm from the UK) which hold a sort of match making service, where people put forward what they may like in a partner and so on and a match is found. Some even hold meetings which I'm not too sure about but there are plenty of ways to go out there and find a wife/husband in a halal fashion. So just have patience, Inshallah we will all find the perfect match for us when Allah decrees it.
Click to expand...

Where I lived in Thailand before and in Malaysia now, I haven't come across any masjids which have this kind of match-making service. Recently, though,I did come across a Muslim welfare organization which has some kind of match-making service. I actually went to register myself there since I am in the market, so to say, for a wife.

Sadly, all they have is just a file of women who are looking for husbands. They are not even sure if these women are practicing Muslims. I looked through the file and found that the majority of the women are more interested in the men's money than in their practice of Islam. Needless to say, I did not find what I was looking for.

I do have an idea about how to get around this problem. I am a revert and I think this idea may work for other male reverts, too.

Stop looking for wives who are born Muslims. I have nothing against women like that but from my experience, they come with a lot of baggage, like traditions which have nothing to do with Islam or expectations which have no basis in Islam. Look instead for wives among the non-Muslims. Don't dress like a non-Muslim or behave like a non-Muslim to make friends with them.

Stick to your Muslim attire. This will sort of filter out those women who have no interest in Islam whatsoever. Stay true to your practice of Islam. This will deter women who want to distract you from the true path of Islam. Any woman who is still interested in you, considering your Muslim attire and Muslim way of life, can be considered to be a fair candidate for marriage. And make sure you learn more about Islam so that you can be a good teacher and leader for your wife.

WalLahu aklam.
 
Brother salahudeen, The pool you mention seems to be very materialist and demanding in nature with very few strong sisters (though some are the most amazing examples of resilience despite all the social pressures)
I take it you're originally from pk, y not give that a little thought, I am currently in bd and see so many decent families struggling to get their daughters married to a decent groom (it's not a rich country and male demands can be high), daughters who maintain decency and honour, sometimes huffaz or even 'alim. Who arent allowed to have a tv in the home due do its corruptive influence. People who would say Alhamdulillah for every decent meal and would usually be loyal to you and your mother.
Allah A'lam it's not the same for everyone, and some people are corrupt no matter their sorroundings,
But I do see a huge difference in overall decency (a generalisation) and less demands.
Many girls often want to separate due to fear of persecution by the mother in law (quite a valid fear), but not all mother in laws are the same, but those kinds of fears take a back seat in other places.

Praise be to Allah that transportation is made easy in our time, you may want to look around a bit further.
But some brothers in the UK look for a wife who has a decent salary and will bring in double income working for someone :(
They'll usually settle for nothing but local.
 
Futuwwa said:
One recurring theme has been brothers ranting about how they won't be accepted for marriage unless they have established careers and the steady incomes that come with it.

Should it be like that? It's hard for the brother, but what stance should everyone else whom it concerns assume?

Unmarried sisters: Would you marry a man who has a low-wage job and no intention of striving for much more (but who takes the job he has seriously)? Or one who is still studying and doesn't have much of an income at the moment, though possibly a future one?

Everyone: If you had a daughter and such a man requested to court her, would you let him? If your daughter would want to marry him, would you give your endorsal to it or would you try try to convince her not to do it?

None of the above questions are rhetorical, I'm genuinely interested.
Click to expand...

:bump1:
 
What is happening to Muslims? why has getting married become so difficult? It must be our own fault. What are we doing wrong? Brothers who complain of too high mahrs need to ask themselves whether they tried to get married to girls in places where people don't want high mahrs or whose currencies are weak (so your dollar, euro, pound is equal to a high amount there).

Is money the only thing that is stopping you from marriage or do you also have other requirements such as education, looks, age etc. A lot of people reject potential spouses for these reasons and then complain about high mahrs.

Recently I read about brides from Russia getting married to some Jewish group. There are lots of Muslim women in need, especially those in troubled areas such as Iraq, Syria, Palestine, Lebonan as well as Myanmar and other troubled areas. Many of those would be willing to get married to good Muslim men and get a better life. Is there a way to arrange that? Can someone make a trip to Turkey and find a Syrian refugee woman and marry her? If some group can arrange marriages between Russians and Jews then why hasn't one been set up to arrange marriages between Muslims of troubled areas and Muslims who are better-off?

For sisters, what is the main cause that so many are unable to get married and how can one get around it? Is it due to high mahrs and other requirements or is it because a lot of women put off marriages at a younger age (for study purpose) and then can't find anyone to marry later? How much education should women get? Should marriage be sacrificed for education and career although a woman's basic need is motherhood? Or is it better to get married early and then continue your education after marriage?
 
I rather get married to my own reflection. Marrying a women sounds like hard work. My cockatiels require less maintenance!
 

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