Husband angry over my lack of action

[anonymous]

Salaam all

I had an incident to which I think my husband overreacted and I am not sure what to do or how to prevent this in the future.

I went out to meet my girlfriend for dinner at a busy shopping center right next to where my husband works (he knew I was going). After I arrived to meet her, she told me she had invited another person (without telling me before), her male colleague from work who I never met before. As soon as her colleague (also muslim) arrived and sat down, she got up and said she has to go across the street to the post office to pick up some paperwork, and would we please excuse her for 5 minutes. I told her directly no, she cannot leave, this is bad manners. She laughed like I was joking and left anyway. At that point we had ordered our food and I felt that my friend was being quite rude to me but I thought well I can make a polite conversation for 5 minutes. 5 minutes turned into 10 minutes turned into 20.... finally she came back and we finished our meal and I went home.

I told my husband about it expecting to receive sympathy and advice on what to say to my friend.... instead he became angry with me and said I should have left the moment I discovered the colleague was coming. Then he said his reputation could be damaged if someone saw me sitting with a guy. I told him I was in no danger, it is a very public place and only 2 minutes walking from my husband's office, he became furious quit speaking to me and stormed off to bed alone.

I don't really believe this about reputation being damaged; we all know that the person who spreads rumors or slander about a pious woman is the one in the wrong, not the woman who is interacting with men in public to pursue her needs or work activities etc. Of course I would not have elected to meet my friend with her colleague if I had known beforehand, but since the situation was somehow imposed I feel like I weighed it appropriately and took one reasonable course of action (which was to finish the dinner and go ask my husband for advice on how to deal with the friend).

I don't really understand what his problem was - he and I interact in social/mixed groups together often, I interact with men regularly for business purposes, and I spend time with my husband's brothers as well for practical purposes, he has no problem with any of this. I of course dress very modestly and am very conservative in my dealings with other men. I know better than to invite temptation and am committed to a successful and loving marriage.

Generally, my husband and I have a very good relationship. But it is a new marriage and I am afraid his reaction may be a sign of worse things to come. Furthermore, I do not appreciate his treatment and reaction towards me, angry or not. I am the more observant muslim out of the two of us, but on this one I am stuck for guidance - I wish I had some islamic advice for him about how to treat your wife in such situations and some advice for myself on how to soften my heart and use this situation in a way to strengthen the marriage rather than a small crack in the windshield that keeps growing.

wa salaam 3alaykum

 

[Salahudeen]

I think he must care for you a lot that's why he got upset, cos it hurt him to know that another man was sitting with his wife alone and enjoying your company. Some men have a lot of gheerah. You should be happy, it would have been worse if he acted like he don't care lol don't worry though, people get over things like this in a day or two at most I think.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Well, you cant compare your husband letting you deal with his brothers with this some stranger man that your friend brought. Maybe your husband trusts his brothers that they wont think about in a negative way, but your husband does not even know this stranger man.

I think the reaction of your husband is justified, especially if he does not go out with his male colleagues who invite females over dinners too. You should have left at that very moment, even if food was ordered. You are under no obligation from Allah to food that you have ordered at a restaurant, especially when your friend betrayed you and brought a male there.

You should be quite happy that your husband, who happens to work close to that mall, did not see you having food with this stranger in isolation. Yes, you have good intentions about your marriage, but Islam is made on actions, not just intentions.

Well what is done is done, your husbands reaction is justified, however you both should communicate about this with each other and in future you should take more precautions to not sit in isolation with stranger men, even if you friend brings them over.

You mentioned you are observant Muslim, that is very good to hear, but you should also be aware that eating food with a stranger man flies against all that observance of Islam.

And maybe it is about time to change friends, especially when this friend is hell bent on ruining your marriage by forcing you to hang out with her male friend. Moreover, why would you want to be friends with someone who hangs out with non-mehram males?

 

[GuestFellow]

^ Salaam,

So getting angry is justified? : O

It is best to avoid meeting men in social situations, especially strangers. Your husband should not get angry. Say to him that you made a mistake and you will try your best to avoid these types of situations. Remind him our main aim is to please Allah and not be worried about what other people think.

Do try to understand where he is coming from. It is likely you will feel upset too if he sat with another women in a restaurant.

Just move on and aim to live happily ever after...

 

[CosmicPathos]

^ Salaam,

So getting angry is justified? : O

It is best to avoid meeting men in social situations, especially strangers. Your husband should not get angry. Say to him that you made a mistake and you will try your best to avoid these types of situations. Remind him our main aim is to please Allah and not be worried about what other people think.

Do try to understand where he is coming from. It is likely you will feel upset too if he sat with another women in a restaurant.

Just move on and aim to live happily ever after...

Anger is a normal human emotion. Even Prophet Muhammad pbuh used to get angry so much that his face would turn red. What matters is how you channel/control that anger. So far it seems the husband is doing a good job, he has not physically hurt his wife or anything of that sort.

 

[Abz2000]

Narrated Asmâ’ bint Abu Bakr:
When Az-zubair married me, he had not real property or anything else except a camel, which drew water from the well, and his horse. I used to feed his horse with fodder and drew water and sew the bucket for drawing it, and prepare the dough, but I did not know how to bake bread. So our ansari neighbouress used to bake bread for me, and they were honorable ladies.
I used to carry the date stones on my head from Zubair’s land given to him by Allah’s Messenger and this land was two third Farsakh (About two miles) from my house.
One day, while I was coming with the date stones on my head, I met Allah’s Messenger along with some Ansari people.
He called me and then, (directing his camel to kneel down) said, "Ikh! Ikh!" so as to make me ride behind him (on his camel).
I felt shy to travel with the men and remembered Az- Zubair and his sense of Ghira (being jealous), for he had the greatest sense of Ghira of all the people.
Allah's Messenger (pbuh) noticed that I felt shy, so he proceeded.
I came to Az-Zubair and said, "I met Allah's Messenger (pbuh) while I was carrying a load of date stones on my, and he had some companions with him.
He made his camel kneel down so that I might ride, but I felt shy in his presence and remembered your sense of Ghira.
On that Az-Zubair said, "By Allah, your carrying the date-stones (and you being seen by the Prophet (pbuh) in such a state) is more shameful to me than your riding with him.'"
(I continued serving in this way) untill Abu Bakr sent me a servant to look after the horse, whereupon I felt as if he had set me free."
Recorded in Sahih Bukhari

(i think i recall reading it in Sahih Muslim too)


this was the MESSENGER OF ALLAH, and she was his SISTER IN LAW, think how it would be for a strange man........

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

She is also a human being and made one mistake and then was honest enough to tell her husband about it.
I think he is overreacting; especially since she told him the truth and questioned her friendship with the friend that caused her to be in that situation! That is someone who acknowledged her mistake and is trying to correct it! Therefore, he should have clicked and gave advice to stop being friends with that person or tell the friend to change her ways and never put her in that situation! Instead it sounds like he got anger at her rather than help his wife and forgive her!

 

[Abz2000]

^ but sis, that would be better told to the husband privately if we could and not the sister, since it wouldn't work towards resolving the matter between them and could end up making things worse between them.
the way i see it, she made a mistake, was honest enough to tell him (A+) , he showed his disdain at it, she knows that he doesn't like it, the best advice to the sister in my humble opinion would be to resolve it peacefully rather than inflame them against each other.
that is not directed at you sis, just my personal opinion and advice to all.

 

[ardianto]

Sometime I think some members here regard me as person who support free mixing and free friendship between opposite gender. I will not argue although it's not true.

I have been married my wife for 17 years. She had many male friends who she know since she was young, and I do not force her to cut her tie of silaturahim with her male friends. Sometime her friends from elementary school, secondary school, or her ex-offices held reunion. I allowed her to come to those events. I drove her to the event, left her, and back again after the event had over. I knew, in the events she meet and talked with her males friends. No problem, I did not angry.

I went out to meet my girlfriend for dinner at a busy shopping center right next to where my husband works (he knew I was going). After I arrived to meet her, she told me she had invited another person (without telling me before), her male colleague from work who I never met before. As soon as her colleague (also muslim) arrived and sat down, she got up and said she has to go across the street to the post office to pick up some paperwork, and would we please excuse her for 5 minutes. I told her directly no, she cannot leave, this is bad manners. She laughed like I was joking and left anyway. At that point we had ordered our food and I felt that my friend was being quite rude to me but I thought well I can make a polite conversation for 5 minutes. 5 minutes turned into 10 minutes turned into 20.... finally she came back and we finished our meal and I went home.

But if my wife is in this situation I must be angry.

I did not angry when I knew my wife talked with males in those event because when she talked, her female friends were beside her, and heard everything what they were talking.

But in your situation, you were with a stranger male, without your female friend beside you. If my wife was in this situation, the first question I will ask her is "Why didn't you go with your female friend than you let her go and left you only with that man alone?".

I don't really believe this about reputation being damaged;

If my wife is in that situation and people who know me see them, they will say "What kind of husband is Ardianto? he let his wife date with another man"


So sister, it's normal if your husband angry to you. Do not repeat the same mistake again.

 

[Abz2000]

^ dunno brother ardianto, if the person is not a mahram, how easy it is for things to go wrong.
i live in Britain and have seen much in my youth,
the ties of marriage are not always respected and men can tend to make sick remarks or passes, even if your wife is trustworthy, this can end up in someone getting killed.
although i didn't think like this before - with more and more experience and awareness of the evil surrounding us, i come to learn that the guidance of Allah and His messenger is not without wisdom.

 

[CosmicPathos]

She is also a human being and made one mistake and then was honest enough to tell her husband about it.
I think he is overreacting; especially since she told him the truth and questioned her friendship with the friend that caused her to be in that situation! That is someone who acknowledged her mistake and is trying to correct it! Therefore, he should have clicked and gave advice to stop being friends with that person or tell the friend to change her ways and never put her in that situation! Instead it sounds like he got anger at her rather than help his wife and forgive her!

It seems the husband has forgiven her, he did not give her divorce especially when she was sitting alone with a non-mehram and having food with him (no matter how pure her intentions, she should be glad that her husband was not taking lunch break from work and did not go to that mall and see it with his own eyes), what else do you want him to do?

I think the best advice is for both of them to sit down, communicate their concerns, chart out action of plan according to Islam, and take it from there.

 

[ardianto]

dunno brother ardianto, if the person is not a mahram, how easy it is for things to go wrong.

Married people are easier to fall into zina than young people who haven't married. This is the fact that we should know.

But I can trust my wife and I can trust her friends, males and females who meet her in those events. I know many of us, they have become my friends too. I always know where is my wife and what she is doing.

A week ago I meet my female friend when I went to public area alone, and I talk with her for a moment. Is it wrong? no, ..... because her husband was beside her when I talk with her.

I still in my friendship with my female friends in the meaning I still have tie of silaturahim with them but not more than it. When I meet one of them in public area, I always ask "Are you alone?", if she say "I am alone", I will say "Wasalam" and leave her. But if she say "I am with my husband" I tell her to show me which her husband, then I introduce myself to him and explain where I knew his wife. Alhamdulillah, their husbands always welcoming me well, and next time if I meet their husbands in a place I can chat with them as friend.

Of course, not in every situation we can talk with non-mahram. If my wife was in the OP situation, I will angry. If I am in situation like the man in OP story, my wife will angry too.

By the way, if I am living in a place where greet someone else' wife is considered inappropriate, I will not do it.

She is also a human being and made one mistake and then was honest enough to tell her husband about it.

Her husband is human being too. If he was angry, that's normal.

I think he is overreacting; especially since she told him the truth and questioned her friendship with the friend that caused her to be in that situation! That is someone who acknowledged her mistake and is trying to correct it! Therefore, he should have clicked and gave advice to stop being friends with that person or tell the friend to change her ways and never put her in that situation! Instead it sounds like he got anger at her rather than help his wife and forgive her!

Nothing wrong if a husband angry to his wife, as long as that's because the wife made a mistake, and his anger is not trough the limit.

My wife always angry when I made a mistake, and it made me realized, I am not allowed to make a mistake again. If my wife never angry and only gave me advice, I will make mistakes as much as I can and convince myself "Relax, .... my wife will not angry".

 

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum

We have all different views and I will put myself in this situation.

Who is worse than me here who grew up openly, I used to sleep with my girl & male friends when we were in Highschool. I even slept with the love of my life for 4years. Well he didnt knew I have feelings for him, its just his sister & cousin are friends of mine so their parents love me so much that I am always welcome to sleep over. They even wanted me to marry him loool, but yes we were too young

So there it goes, I think that's how I had feelings for him, but let me clear that nothing happened between us, I never told him and I have other plans, that is to escape from poverty

Anyway, Islam opens my eyes, now that I am married, my husband knows I never be around a man unless they are my colleague, sometime we go in the same car in the group but I would never dine with group of men or man alone, colleague or completely stranger not just because I am married, no,, because I am Muslimah now and I know my limit, alhamdollellah

and ukhtee, your husband has the full rights to be very upset about you seating alone with him, embarrassed with him? Be it, you said he is also Muslim, he will understand at one point or another and also your friend is little inconsiderate 1. to invite him and worse to leave you alone with him, sorry I am not judging her whole humanity, I am talking about the mere fact on that very moment

for me 20minutes with stranger is too much time for evil to ruin my marriage
Not because I am weak, no, because evil are trickiest creatures ever & I completely acknowledged that, they have special powers

So If i am in your chair, I think I will go back to husband and tell him how much I realized how awful the situation was

Okay If I didnt make a good point at all, what about your husband sit with a stranger woman for 5minutes? would that be okay?

May Allah reward your marriage

 

[GuestFellow]

Salaam,

Anger is a normal human emotion. Even Prophet Muhammad pbuh used to get angry so much that his face would turn red. What matters is how you channel/control that anger. So far it seems the husband is doing a good job, he has not physically hurt his wife or anything of that sort.

We all get angry. I'm aware of that. I'm saying, in this particular case, was his anger justified? There are times when an individual's anger can be justified, but not all the time.

People make mistakes and she even told him. He stormed off and refused to talk to her. I would have been more angry with her friend.

 

[Mikayeel]

I will give u advise based on how i would react had it been my wife.

I would have shared the same emotions as your husband. Because i would love and care for my wife, and hate the fact that she is engaging in a conversation with a male stranger. And also, if you think you can trust yourself and your modest and act appropriately, who can say the other party is trusted? For all i know he is looking at you with full desires. Fair enough the last bit is hard to controle is real life, but it can be minimised! It is minimised by cutting of contact with any unnecessary male strangers.

Had it been my wife (not married yet, make dua ) i would expect her to leave the moment she realised there was a male involved and explain to her girlfriend. But to engage in a conversation that went from 2 mins to 20 mins is something that would anger me, just like your husband. And in return she can expect me to do and act the same around females.

 

[Mikayeel]

and also sister since you have mentioned that you are newly wed. It is very important to maintain a balanced relationship. What i mean is that, (and am not picking the side of ur husband here) would you rather please your husband or girlfriend? Understandably any guy who has a bit of gheerah (jealousy) would get angry if his wife/sister/mother/aunt etc.. is unnecessary talking to a male stranger.

Sometimes people need to get their priorities right, in your case i asume that you didnt wanted to tell your girlfriend that you want to leave (and i am sure that is what you wanted) because she would get upset. But at the same time, by staying you have angered your husband. And i am pretty sure your friend would understand if you explained that to her.

The way to prevent it from happening again, well you now know how your husband reacts to these kind of situations and understandably so. Now if you were to go out again, just make sure you make everyone aware that is a sisters only outing.

 

[Salahudeen]

A week ago I meet my female friend when I went to public area alone, and I talk with her for a moment. Is it wrong? no, ..... because her husband was beside her when I talk with her.

I still in my friendship with my female friends in the meaning I still have tie of silaturahim with them but not more than it. When I meet one of them in public area, I always ask "Are you alone?", if she say "I am alone", I will say "Wasalam" and leave her. But if she say "I am with my husband" I tell her to show me which her husband, then I introduce myself to him and explain where I knew his wife. Alhamdulillah, their husbands always welcoming me well, and next time if I meet their husbands in a place I can chat with them as friend.

I think people are different. because even in the above situations you mentioned I would still get annoyed and feel as if "what business does that guy have talking with my wife, sure he may known her from somewhere in the past" but that's exactly that, the past, she's not his relation in anyway, so what business does he have coming up to my wife like that. He doesn't need to approach her, it was unnecessary for him to approach her.

That's what would be going through my mind, and if you kept doing it I would get annoyed and tell you stop approaching my wife cos you have no business talking to her any more, even if I'm there. People are different I guess.

 

[Riana17]

I think people are different. because even in the above situations you mentioned I would still get annoyed and feel as if "what business does that guy have talking with my wife, sure he may known her from somewhere in the past" but that's exactly that, the past, she's not his relation in anyway, so what business does he have coming up to my wife like that. He doesn't need to approach her, it was unnecessary for him to approach her.

That's what would be going through my mind, and if you kept doing it I would get annoyed and tell you stop approaching my wife cos you have no business talking to her any more, even if I'm there. People are different I guess.

Yes, I guess we are all different. I would love If we would be approached by Muslim couple (even Non Muslim) and befriend with us, bcoz this is another meaning of life, communicating, growing, having people around.

I guess if my husband is approached by a woman with her husband, it means my husband is a good person & somewhat special.

Bcoz it is very uncommon for a woman to introduce her husband to someone known to her unless she's aware they are safe with him or a good company for her husband. I always want my husband to be home with me, family time but I would be very much happy to know he is hanging around, having a little chat with a good friend.

In Bro Ardianto's case, he was approached and I wonder the most uncommon w/c is when my husband meet people known to him before and he was ignored... lool very bitter it is

 

[Snowflake]

I told my husband about it expecting to receive sympathy and advice on what to say to my friend.... instead he became angry with me and said I should have left the moment I discovered the colleague was coming. Then he said his reputation could be damaged if someone saw me sitting with a guy.

Any man who has gheerah, respect in the community, and pride in his wife's piety and reputation would find this rightly objectionable. It's not that your husband doesn't trust you. But he is aware that we can't hold people's tongues, and it only takes one match to burn down an entire forest. So your husband is right about it ruining his respect. Have more courage in future to stand up and say what is right islamically regardless of what anyone thinks. e.g. you should have told the sister you are coming with her, explained to the brother that it's not appropriate for you to sit with him alone and gone. If he minded then he wasn't worth caring about anyway. Remember you are your husband's honour and shame sister and it's his right to expect it is guarded. Please accept that he had a right to be upset, apologize sincerely and do something wonderful for him to show that you are with him one hundred percent on this. Insha Allah he will love and honour you more for it.

 

[Riana17]

Sister Rose

You put the words beautifully, really appreciated.

May Allah reward you, Amen