I gave everything to my family - now I feel like I'm falling apart

[saysay]

Esselamu alejkum
I need some advice or something idk
I'll be short in detail
I'm, living in Europe

I grew up in poverty, slept in cold and on a empty stomach more times than I can count.
Oldest son, 3 younger siblings, I always had to provide and help out my parents

I gave up everything pretty much trough my life, social never had many friends or close ones for the matter, I was never really going out. My love life, I've never had a girlfriend, or anything related to that, myb this is normal I guess in arab or true Muslim communities, but I'm where I am. I only finished highschool, I couldn't go further, no time, no funds. No hobby stuff, really just work and home. Except a dog, I got that for myself.

I gave everything to the family, I don't complain.
Now, all that is catching up to me mentally, I was living for 2 years in west Europe( not to mention where), I hoped I could bring my family up as well as finally start building something for myself. Wrong ofc, cuz loophole of poverty, I guess. Horrible experience, had to get out, brought me closer to deen, allhamdulillah.( Now I'm back home with my parents)

I'm not dumb, well not the smartest guy, I'm not lazy. Worked my as* off for the past decade, broken back and all, jobs nobody wanted, that I needed. Ran a warehouse at 16, managing teams, can operate any machinery pretty much, I was rather good at it, I'm good with people too. Tried some stuff online, self-educating, I was always looking for extra ways to make money. And also, working crazy hours, for a few years worked every day pretty much.

Mentally I'm a little f-ed, memory all foggy, I can't really think. All dough it's always been like this but it never bothered me in work, always sharp, especially on a meeting or smth like that.

Now I'm home, stuck, almost hopeless, I'm praying for a change, I wish to get married, and live my own life. But my family needs me, until the kids grow up, so they can help out a little, take some burden off. I'm in between crappy jobs, bad salaries, and honestly I'm a little sick of working knowing it's nowhere near enough, to sustain them, I'm not even thinking of myself here.

Now what the hell should I do, there is no good opportunity for work, I could go into detail later on this as of why. I don't have a diploma, for a better paying, easier work, nobody would take me there. I can't really go for school now, or idk a course or something, I couldn't start something of my own, I have myb 3 eur, as I'm writing.

Among other issues, idk I'm just tired I guess, but I'm sick being in bed, ( no work at the moment). I'm praying, but I can't just wait, but there is nothing to do atm.
Ideas? Advice? It'
s all welcome

 

[MuslimForum]

Walaikumsalam

I can understand your pain and have been through this. Please don't take me wrong but you have make your thoughts straight.

1. Thinking that you have done so much for family ? You should never think that. Family is personal and what ever we do for them is always less.
2. Thinking of marriage ? then this is not the right time. You should first settle yourself, else instead of one, two people will suffer
3. Thinking that there is no work available ? There is lot of work online. Seeing your English I am sure you can do many online works over internet
4. Thinking that you can't learn anymore ? I don't know what is your age. But seeing that you are not married. I guess you are below 35. Remember Prophet Mohammed (pbuh) got Prophethood at 40. He learned everything later on and established Islam till 63 years. If you ask me, I think you have not even started, forget about end of learning.
5. You can always learn skills and start fresh over. Do some research and start moving.

If you need any help, I am here to help you.

 

[Twilight Mist]

Esselamu alejkum
I need some advice or something idk
I'll be short in detail
I'm, living in Europe

I grew up in poverty, slept in cold and on a empty stomach more times than I can count.
Oldest son, 3 younger siblings, I always had to provide and help out my parents

I gave up everything pretty much trough my life, social never had many friends or close ones for the matter, I was never really going out. My love life, I've never had a girlfriend, or anything related to that, myb this is normal I guess in arab or true Muslim communities, but I'm where I am. I only finished highschool, I couldn't go further, no time, no funds. No hobby stuff, really just work and home. Except a dog, I got that for myself.

I gave everything to the family, I don't complain.
Now, all that is catching up to me mentally, I was living for 2 years in west Europe( not to mention where), I hoped I could bring my family up as well as finally start building something for myself. Wrong ofc, cuz loophole of poverty, I guess. Horrible experience, had to get out, brought me closer to deen, allhamdulillah.( Now I'm back home with my parents)

I'm not dumb, well not the smartest guy, I'm not lazy. Worked my as* off for the past decade, broken back and all, jobs nobody wanted, that I needed. Ran a warehouse at 16, managing teams, can operate any machinery pretty much, I was rather good at it, I'm good with people too. Tried some stuff online, self-educating, I was always looking for extra ways to make money. And also, working crazy hours, for a few years worked every day pretty much.

Mentally I'm a little f-ed, memory all foggy, I can't really think. All dough it's always been like this but it never bothered me in work, always sharp, especially on a meeting or smth like that.

Now I'm home, stuck, almost hopeless, I'm praying for a change, I wish to get married, and live my own life. But my family needs me, until the kids grow up, so they can help out a little, take some burden off. I'm in between crappy jobs, bad salaries, and honestly I'm a little sick of working knowing it's nowhere near enough, to sustain them, I'm not even thinking of myself here.

Now what the hell should I do, there is no good opportunity for work, I could go into detail later on this as of why. I don't have a diploma, for a better paying, easier work, nobody would take me there. I can't really go for school now, or idk a course or something, I couldn't start something of my own, I have myb 3 eur, as I'm writing.

Among other issues, idk I'm just tired I guess, but I'm sick being in bed, ( no work at the moment). I'm praying, but I can't just wait, but there is nothing to do atm.
Ideas? Advice? It'
s all welcome

Salam.
What you shared is heavy, and I can only imagine how you feel. The fact that you’ve carried your family all these years — sacrificing your own comfort, dreams, even your youth — is not just strength, it’s love and ibadah. Only Allah can truly reward you for that.
But your soul, peace, and future matter too. You’re not broken — just exhausted. And every act of sacrifice done out of love and duty will be rewarded immensely on the Day of Judgement. Allah sees every step you've taken, and your heart bears witness to your sincerity.

Your effort to come closer to the Deen — hold onto it. Even when things feel stuck, keep making du’a. Take a moment to breathe. Begin with just one small habit — Qur’an, journaling, or a bit of learning — something to revive your spirit. And remember, Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear. Your kindness will not go unnoticed by His Mercy.
Don’t give up on marriage or a better future. Barakah comes from the most unexpected places. You’ve already shown you are hardworking, loyal, and wise beyond your years — someone will see that, when the time is right. It’s all written in Divine decree. Allah will not abandon you. Keep going — the storm does not last forever. May Allah ease your path, accept your prayers, and open doors you never imagined. Ameen.

 

[A_B]

Wa alaykum ussalaam wa rahmatulLahi wa barakaatuh,

I was really saddened to hear about the difficulties you have and are currently going through. It sounds like you've struggled a lot and you've been making an effort to maintain your connection with Islam, rather than turning elsewhere, so well done - I congratulate you on that. Your religion and dying in a state where Allah is pleased with you is the most important thing in this world; all the comforts of the material world mean nothing if you fail at the test of life.

Your story has some vague elements - are you living at home with both of your parents? Are you helping them out financially? It's very tough to parent siiblings when you are still a child/young person yourself. Yes, it's good for kids to take on some kind of responsibility in order to develop character, but it's utimately the responsibility of the adults. If you felt that your circumsances pressured you to step up in that way, well done for being responsible - may Allah reqard you. But there's no doubt that it's tough and it will most likely cause you to neglect yourself and feel some kind of resentment as a result. You were a child and you needed to live that. You needed to have adults care for you and hold you in their warm embrace.

My concern is that your life experience has traumatised you and will have shaped your personality in a negative way. It may have affected you attachment style and the way you connect with close relationships. It may have affected the way you view yourself and your self-esteem, you may have developed insecuities and self-hatred; you may have built up a lot of anger that is quick to boil and explode at unepected times.

I don't know you personally but I do know that a tough life can create all kinds of psychological damage and mess up our personalities and our ability to form healthy attachments. I would advise you to introspect and try to first identify and and then work on healing these issues. Because I wouldn't advise thinking about marriage if you havent started the work on repairing the structure that life circumstnces has caused damage to. Marriage is not an escape - you'll find a whole load of new stresses and struggles in that, and if there are any toxins within your body as result of what you lived through, it will come out in you as a husband and as a father; if you're not psychologically healthy, it may well influence the kind of person you choose too.

May Allah give you ease and healing. I can try my best to advise you further if you feel it'd benefit you