I think I'm becoming a misogynist

[Scimitar]

but husband and wife always walk side by side, together in happiness and in sadness.

I often wonder what that feels like.

 

[ardianto]

Im unmarried and 40.... if anyone has a right to me a misogynist - its me.... anf I believe I secretly am...

Blame me?

After all these years i am bitter and hurt. Shame that.

Scimi

Women can see your heart, bro. If they see a hatred in your heart, then they will be far away from you. But if they see a love in your heart, then there will be a woman who open her heart to be filled by your love.

Don't give up, bro. Don't give up. Always maintain love in your heart, then In Shaa Allah, you will find a woman who open her heart for you.

I often wonder what that feels like.

I don't know the right words to describe it. But it is something that very beautiful and will make you happy. I hope you will feel it too, bro.

 

[Scimitar]

My heart has been trained to feel indifferent to women. I just don't understand them

I'm used to being alone, sad as that is, I don't think marriage is in my destiny.

So this is why I feel sad. Allahu Alam.

Scimi

 

[Patrick]

My heart has been trained to feel indifferent to women. I just don't understand them

I'm used to being alone, sad as that is, I don't think marriage is in my destiny.

So this is why I feel sad. Allahu Alam.

Scimi

Well I'm the same way and at 32 marriage is about out of the question for me and I will not go into details why. I could not understand this as a way for the original poster to confirm not liking women. Just because we have our faults as men we should not project that on women. I do feel that women in relationships are becoming much worse than in other times but we are at just as much fault. Dealing with the reality you are is uncommon not many men face being alone. The claim they are but are dating or just "talking" to women. That is not being single. So in our rare cases we are the minority. I don't understand how disliking women as original poster is contemplating fits into being single. Trust me I wish many times I was born into an accepting Muslim society. I am sure I would have been married by now. I think our dilemma comes with the women we live with in our society and the way the have become in it not the actual nature of women themselves.

 

[Scimitar]

Well said Patrick. Welcome to ib forum

 

[The-Deist]

My heart has been trained to feel indifferent to women. I just don't understand them

I'm used to being alone, sad as that is, I don't think marriage is in my destiny.

So this is why I feel sad. Allahu Alam.



Scimi

I think I don't understand women nor do they understand me I mean I believe my own Father doesn't understand me because I might be a little complicated (he always says be simple but I might have multiple personalities)
so how could someone else understand me. I might maybe even call myself partionally emotienless.
If someone could help me that would be great and I also am used to being alone so I don't usually (Allah knows best) want to go outside, be with people I mean even my own cousins don't stay around me because they might know something of me.
Also I might be socially unactive and if I get social I get too social so people most likely treat it as a miracle if i come out of my room for no reason.
Overall I think I am very unbalanced might have many personalities maybe even mental problems.
I could make this post even longer I believe but I don't think it is necessary
PS. It's better if you just know me throught the Internet I might be a complicated person to meet in real life
And Allah knows best

Edit: and for somewhat ever reason I feel scared yet excited when I fight (if I ever actually get to one) and for somewhat ever reason have found pain very enjoyable.
But I think I just have never experienced love so I also might be emotionally unstable.
I think you guys are like my little family
And also I hink I ususally control myself but sometimes I lose it

 

[Patrick]

I think I don't understand women nor do they understand me I mean I believe my own Father doesn't understand me because I might be a little complicated (he always says be simple but I might have multiple personalities)
so how could someone else understand me. I might maybe even call myself partionally emotienless.
If someone could help me that would be great and I also am used to being alone so I don't usually (Allah knows best) want to go outside, be with people I mean even my own cousins don't stay around me because they might know something of me.
Also I might be socially unactive and if I get social I get too social so people most likely treat it as a miracle if i come out of my room for no reason.
Overall I think I am very unbalanced might have many personalities maybe even mental problems.
I could make this post even longer I believe but I don't think it is necessary
PS. It's better if you just know me throught the Internet I might be a complicated person to meet in real life
And Allah knows best

I feel the same as you. I live very much like that and it tends to wear on all of your relationships not just ones with women. It's ok to live like that I very much would rather stray from the subject because it is a lot to deal with. I don't know what to tell you its difficult to live this way. I know it's not healthy. The thing that gets me through most days is hoping there is a place that works different than the world we live in. We're people like us find our true belonging and realize what it is like to not feel forced to fit in an environment that does not suit us but one where we can be together with the way Allah intends it to be for us. Once again we are rare exceptions there again is no way to blame women for any of this. The thing that I understand about us either ad muslims or believers is this. If I were to take a tree and up root it then place it in an environment that is not that trees natural place that tree may adapt but I will not blame the tree because I know it belongs with its environment. Eventually as these trees we will find where it was for us to belong god willing it is with allah. Untill then try not to blame yourself or the others that look at you with such disdain. Try to have faith you will find a place you will be free of the things placed in this world to frighten and test us believers.

 

[The-Deist]

I feel the same as you. I live very much like that and it tends to wear on all of your relationships not just ones with women. It's ok to live like that I very much would rather stray from the subject because it is a lot to deal with. I don't know what to tell you its difficult to live this way. I know it's not healthy. The thing that gets me through most days is hoping there is a place that works different than the world we live in. We're people like us find our true belonging and realize what it is like to not feel forced to fit in an environment that does not suit us but one where we can be together with the way Allah intends it to be for us. Once again we are rare exceptions there again is no way to blame women for any of this. The thing that I understand about us either ad muslims or believers is this. If I were to take a tree and up root it then place it in an environment that is not that trees natural place that tree may adapt but I will not blame the tree because I know it belongs with its environment. Eventually as these trees we will find where it was for us to belong god willing it is with allah. Untill then try not to blame yourself or the others that look at you with such disdain. Try to have faith you will find a place you will be free of the things placed in this world to frighten and test us believers.

I feel maybe to say relieved that there is someone like me. And I will not blame it on anyone and to be specific I don't really think I have any women I know except the ones that live in our house. And women themseelfes I respect them in their own unique way. For mothers espeially even though we most likely were just mittle crybabys they still tried their best of their limits to make us grow up as men (I don't know the womans perspective). And also our fathers. Yes they might get angry at us and even occasionally hit us but that is because they love you they want you to grow up to become a man not a boy. It is that they might get angry with us because we dissapointed them not because they don't love us.
In the end of the day I feel that you should make your parents precious to yourself I myself live only with my father so try to do your best while you have both of them. And I think we have ourselfs to blame for the world we live in we just have to hope and work for the best in the Hereafter.
And Allah knows best
Thank you for writing this brother Patrick

 

[MuslimInshallah]

It's just the way women behave, makes me very angry. So demanding, manipulative and very insensitive with their words, they rarely think when they speak. The most frustrating part is you can't live with them and you can't live without them, they are all around you, it's a lose lose.

Assalaamu alaikum Paprika,


(gently) As I understand your situation, you have had some difficult relationships with women. Your mother, perhaps. Your wife. Other women who have intersected your life. There are, of course, the usual misunderstandings between men and women (we see the world through our own lens, and so have trouble seeing through other lens). But to feel a deep hurt because of women... that takes a little more than the usual misunderstandings, it seems to me.


Isn't it a hurt? When released, a hurt becomes anger...


Anger is a normal physiological response to certain triggers. If we turn the anger inwards, we feel hurt. When we acknowledge it, we feel anger.


But acknowledging anger does not mean that we free ourselves to lash out and hurt others. It just means we say: yes, I am angry because of this or that. And then we become free to deal with whatever we are reacting to. (gently) Free...


You have been hurt by women. I believe you. I have been hurt by both men and women. There is no doubt about it, some people can be very unkind. Perhaps you have been hurt by all the women in your life. This is also very possible. But my question is then: why is your sample biased?


Let us say that all the significant women in your life have been unkind to you. They are manipulative, demanding, selfish and callous. How many women do they represent? Five? Ten? But how many woman are there in the world? Mmm... let's say women represent 50% of the population (they actually generally represent slightly more than that, but let's pretend 50%).That's about 3.5 billion women (ok, and girls). Your sample, even of 10 women, is vanishingly small. Are you sure you are giving women a fair trial? Can you really say with any degree of certitude that all women are therefore really unpleasant people?


The sorts of people you are describing most certainly exist. They are described in the medical literature as narcissistic or psychopathic individuals. According to a couple of articles I quickly referenced, narcissism (as a personality disorder) affects about 5% of American women (closer to 8% ofAmerican men, apparently), and psychopathy affects about 0,6% of people in the British Isles. Mmm, let's say that 6% of women are really unpleasant people (which means that the vast majority, 94% aren't, you know).


Consider the following: what are the odds that if I pulled, say, 10 women at random off the street, that I would get only narcissistic and psychopathic ones in my sample. (twinkle) After a quick consultation with my in-house math genius, I have learnt that the odds are: 0¸06¹º %... that's a 0,00000000006047% chance that you could randomly sample just unpleasant women.


And this leads to the question: given that the chances of randomly getting just unpleasant women in your life are so vanishingly low, just why is it you are surrounded with such women?


Is it possible, perhaps, that there is something about you yourself, that is attracted to/attracts the wrong type of women?


I don't want to say it's your fault (playing the blame game is something narcissists love to do, incidentally). I'm actually trying to say something very hopeful: you have the power to change this situation.


You see, if the flaw lies in the other person, you can't do anything about that. But if the flaw lies within you,you have the power to change that.


But it is hard.


(smile) But is life about rest and ease? Or is it about living, worshipping and growth?


There are many ways to get frozen into a state of being. Whether it be the mindless distraction of never-ending work, or the empty pursuit of some diversion or desired object, or the fear of trying something new, or the pain of going through a wall of emotional fire... there are so many ways to get diverted off the Path that leads to Allah. And we have that old enemy who wants so much for us to fail, who loves to whisper anything and everything that resonates with our weaknesses: you're a failure, you're so amazing, you're not able to do X, there are such fun other things to do, you need to look good, you'll get hurt/people you love will get hurt... so many whispers.


You have been hurt by women. I believe you. And I empathize with you. I have been hurt by both women and men. Deeply. But look at yourself. What kind of a person are you? What is the good in you? What are the flaws (and often, these are two sides of the same coin; a weakness can be a strength in the right context, and a strength can be a weakness)? Why do you do the things you do? What is your history? Can you see any patterns? What would you like your history to be? What is your purpose in life, and how can you achieve this?


I don't know you, Paprika. (smile) Perhaps I will come to know you more, as you post on this Forum. But I do know one thing: you are a precious and unique human being. You add things into the mix of human life. I also know that God Created you for a purpose. The exact purpose is not always clear. (smile) Of course, we are supposed to worship our Creator. But how? Is it just about following the basic laws set out? I don't believe so. Angels follow all the laws. So does the rest of creation (except the Jinn). We are supposed to struggle. We are supposed to make mistakes, and feel pain, and feel like we're walking through honey.... Is not, perhaps, this struggle a form of worship?


When we struggle and feel we have failed, and collapse on our knees and cry out in pain and loneliness: Oh God! Help me! I am weak, I am lost, I need You... Is this not also worship? Is this not an acknowledgement of our humbleness and Allah's Tremendousness?


Women have hurt you. But they cannot harm you. Only you can do that. When we permit things that are not right, we harm ourselves. When we turn away from Allah, we harm ourselves. When we embrace things we know we should not, we harm ourselves. Nobody can harm you. Only you yourself.


This is empowering!!! You feel anger because a woman lies to you...listen to your anger. It is right and healthy. She should not treat you like that. So... what are you going to do about it? Let her gain something through her lie? Let her avoid something though her lie? Let her hurt you through her lie?


You can decide not to tolerate her lie. What can you do? It depends on the context. You have to look at each circumstance and ask yourself what is an appropriate response. You have the power to decide what your response is going to be. If one way of dealing with the lie leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth...try another response. Don't just keep on hoping that she will change. She won't. Not unless she wants to... and you have no power over that. So stop trying to change her, and focus on what you can do, what you can change.


You can work on modifying your approach with her not to change her... but to change yourself (try not to fall into the common trap of hoping she'll change because you've modified your approach. She may, but (especially if she has a personality disorder), she very probably won't).


This modification of yourself will take time and effort. Lots of effort. Realize that the other person will try to force you back to the status quo (which they were comfortable with)... and resist your inner urge to fall into old patterns.


Because if you can modify your patterns... you will find that the people you are attracted to/that you attract, will change. And as you find healthier patterns of living and relating to others... you will find yourself feeling more inner peace. (twinkle) Not all the time. But more of the time. (smile) And this is the sign, I believe, that you are on the Right Path.


(smile) Don't change yourself to get a nicer woman in your life. Change yourself to get closer to Allah, to become a person more pleasing to Him. (smile) And perhaps... He will Send someone into your life who is kinder. Perhaps. (smile) I'm still working on this myself. But I trust that whatever He Sends my way is what is best... once I've tied my camel (once I've made my effort). And no matter what else happens... I have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing my best to Please my Lord. (smile) I'm still failing a lot, mind you. But I'm giving it my best shot.


(smile) Anyway, if you could pray for me please, Paprika, I'd really appreciate it. And I will pray for you, inshAllah. May we, as an act of worship, modify old habits, and find healthier, more harmonious ones... that are pleasing to the One and Only.


And May Allah, the Compassionate, Forgive us for our many failings.

 

[BeTheChange]

Sister, Muslim In sha Allah if i could rep and like you every day i would :embarrass In sha Allah in my duas

 

[ardianto]

Women are complicated creature that cannot be understood!.

However, if you try to understand a woman, then she will try to understand you too. This is the key of relationship with a woman.

In Paprika's case I think he does/did not try to understand his wife. Demanding, manipulative, and insensitive with her words, are indeed, sign of protest from a woman who want to be understood by her husband.

 

[BeTheChange]

We're not always complicated :embarrass - I think lack of communication or failure to listen to each other as you have mentioned brother is the key to problems escalating out of hand.

May Allah swa bring ease & peace to married couples Ameen.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Salaamz,

I thought this account was disabled after my request but anyway. I know this topic might be frowned upon cos it may cause a gender war, but it's true, I am starting to hate women very deeply and can't seem to control it....having a hard time getting over things.

I know it can't be healthy, but am I sinful if I only harbour it in my heart but don't hurt anyone?

Elaborate?

 

[Paprika]

Assalaamu alaikum Paprika,


(gently) As I understand your situation, you have had some difficult relationships with women. Your mother, perhaps. Your wife. Other women who have intersected your life. There are, of course, the usual misunderstandings between men and women (we see the world through our own lens, and so have trouble seeing through other lens). But to feel a deep hurt because of women... that takes a little more than the usual misunderstandings, it seems to me.


Isn't it a hurt? When released, a hurt becomes anger...


Anger is a normal physiological response to certain triggers. If we turn the anger inwards, we feel hurt. When we acknowledge it, we feel anger.


But acknowledging anger does not mean that we free ourselves to lash out and hurt others. It just means we say: yes, I am angry because of this or that. And then we become free to deal with whatever we are reacting to. (gently) Free...


You have been hurt by women. I believe you. I have been hurt by both men and women. There is no doubt about it, some people can be very unkind. Perhaps you have been hurt by all the women in your life. This is also very possible. But my question is then: why is your sample biased?


Let us say that all the significant women in your life have been unkind to you. They are manipulative, demanding, selfish and callous. How many women do they represent? Five? Ten? But how many woman are there in the world? Mmm... let's say women represent 50% of the population (they actually generally represent slightly more than that, but let's pretend 50%).That's about 3.5 billion women (ok, and girls). Your sample, even of 10 women, is vanishingly small. Are you sure you are giving women a fair trial? Can you really say with any degree of certitude that all women are therefore really unpleasant people?


The sorts of people you are describing most certainly exist. They are described in the medical literature as narcissistic or psychopathic individuals. According to a couple of articles I quickly referenced, narcissism (as a personality disorder) affects about 5% of American women (closer to 8% ofAmerican men, apparently), and psychopathy affects about 0,6% of people in the British Isles. Mmm, let's say that 6% of women are really unpleasant people (which means that the vast majority, 94% aren't, you know).


Consider the following: what are the odds that if I pulled, say, 10 women at random off the street, that I would get only narcissistic and psychopathic ones in my sample. (twinkle) After a quick consultation with my in-house math genius, I have learnt that the odds are: 0¸06¹º %... that's a 0,00000000006047% chance that you could randomly sample just unpleasant women.


And this leads to the question: given that the chances of randomly getting just unpleasant women in your life are so vanishingly low, just why is it you are surrounded with such women?


Is it possible, perhaps, that there is something about you yourself, that is attracted to/attracts the wrong type of women?


I don't want to say it's your fault (playing the blame game is something narcissists love to do, incidentally). I'm actually trying to say something very hopeful: you have the power to change this situation.


You see, if the flaw lies in the other person, you can't do anything about that. But if the flaw lies within you,you have the power to change that.


But it is hard.


(smile) But is life about rest and ease? Or is it about living, worshipping and growth?


There are many ways to get frozen into a state of being. Whether it be the mindless distraction of never-ending work, or the empty pursuit of some diversion or desired object, or the fear of trying something new, or the pain of going through a wall of emotional fire... there are so many ways to get diverted off the Path that leads to Allah. And we have that old enemy who wants so much for us to fail, who loves to whisper anything and everything that resonates with our weaknesses: you're a failure, you're so amazing, you're not able to do X, there are such fun other things to do, you need to look good, you'll get hurt/people you love will get hurt... so many whispers.


You have been hurt by women. I believe you. And I empathize with you. I have been hurt by both women and men. Deeply. But look at yourself. What kind of a person are you? What is the good in you? What are the flaws (and often, these are two sides of the same coin; a weakness can be a strength in the right context, and a strength can be a weakness)? Why do you do the things you do? What is your history? Can you see any patterns? What would you like your history to be? What is your purpose in life, and how can you achieve this?


I don't know you, Paprika. (smile) Perhaps I will come to know you more, as you post on this Forum. But I do know one thing: you are a precious and unique human being. You add things into the mix of human life. I also know that God Created you for a purpose. The exact purpose is not always clear. (smile) Of course, we are supposed to worship our Creator. But how? Is it just about following the basic laws set out? I don't believe so. Angels follow all the laws. So does the rest of creation (except the Jinn). We are supposed to struggle. We are supposed to make mistakes, and feel pain, and feel like we're walking through honey.... Is not, perhaps, this struggle a form of worship?


When we struggle and feel we have failed, and collapse on our knees and cry out in pain and loneliness: Oh God! Help me! I am weak, I am lost, I need You... Is this not also worship? Is this not an acknowledgement of our humbleness and Allah's Tremendousness?


Women have hurt you. But they cannot harm you. Only you can do that. When we permit things that are not right, we harm ourselves. When we turn away from Allah, we harm ourselves. When we embrace things we know we should not, we harm ourselves. Nobody can harm you. Only you yourself.


This is empowering!!! You feel anger because a woman lies to you...listen to your anger. It is right and healthy. She should not treat you like that. So... what are you going to do about it? Let her gain something through her lie? Let her avoid something though her lie? Let her hurt you through her lie?


You can decide not to tolerate her lie. What can you do? It depends on the context. You have to look at each circumstance and ask yourself what is an appropriate response. You have the power to decide what your response is going to be. If one way of dealing with the lie leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth...try another response. Don't just keep on hoping that she will change. She won't. Not unless she wants to... and you have no power over that. So stop trying to change her, and focus on what you can do, what you can change.


You can work on modifying your approach with her not to change her... but to change yourself (try not to fall into the common trap of hoping she'll change because you've modified your approach. She may, but (especially if she has a personality disorder), she very probably won't).


This modification of yourself will take time and effort. Lots of effort. Realize that the other person will try to force you back to the status quo (which they were comfortable with)... and resist your inner urge to fall into old patterns.


Because if you can modify your patterns... you will find that the people you are attracted to/that you attract, will change. And as you find healthier patterns of living and relating to others... you will find yourself feeling more inner peace. (twinkle) Not all the time. But more of the time. (smile) And this is the sign, I believe, that you are on the Right Path.


(smile) Don't change yourself to get a nicer woman in your life. Change yourself to get closer to Allah, to become a person more pleasing to Him. (smile) And perhaps... He will Send someone into your life who is kinder. Perhaps. (smile) I'm still working on this myself. But I trust that whatever He Sends my way is what is best... once I've tied my camel (once I've made my effort). And no matter what else happens... I have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing my best to Please my Lord. (smile) I'm still failing a lot, mind you. But I'm giving it my best shot.


(smile) Anyway, if you could pray for me please, Paprika, I'd really appreciate it. And I will pray for you, inshAllah. May we, as an act of worship, modify old habits, and find healthier, more harmonious ones... that are pleasing to the One and Only.


And May Allah, the Compassionate, Forgive us for our many failings.

Wasalaam,

Wow, can't believe I actually read all of that. Thanks for your time and effort, I will try and practice what you said, lets hope it works.

 

[Paprika]

Women are complicated creature that cannot be understood!.

However, if you try to understand a woman, then she will try to understand you too. This is the key of relationship with a woman.

In Paprika's case I think he does/did not try to understand his wife. Demanding, manipulative, and insensitive with her words, are indeed, sign of protest from a woman who want to be understood by her husband.

yeah, I really suck at this man, not sure how much longer I can put up with it. I feel so lonely, and all this women talk makes me feel sick to the stomach, think I'm gonna take a leave of absence.

Thanks everyone for trying to help.

 

[Paprika]

We're not always complicated :embarrass - I think lack of communication or failure to listen to each other as you have mentioned brother is the key to problems escalating out of hand.

May Allah swa bring ease & peace to married couples Ameen.

yeah not always, only like 9 out of 10 times.;D

Ameen

 

[azc]

Salaamz,I thought this account was disabled after my request but anyway. I know this topic might be frowned upon cos it may cause a gender war, but it's true, I am starting to hate women very deeply and can't seem to control it....having a hard time getting over things. I know it can't be healthy, but am I sinful if I only harbour it in my heart but don't hurt anyone?

Have you forgot that your mother is also a woman? Do you still hate her?

 

[Paprika]

Have you forgot that your mother is also a woman? Do you still hate her?

there are a few exceptions

 

[azc]

there are a few exceptions

then, why do you generalize it?Learn to respect the women. I love and respect them whether they're mothers, sisters or daughters or my wife. Generally they're more supportive than Man.

 

[Kiro]

r u scared of womz