I'm not convinced that a chador or jilbab is mandatory, but should I wear one if my husband wants me to?

[Revert_Muslima]

Hello everyone,

I'm a 24-year-old woman, and I converted to Islam through the testimony of my then North African boyfriend, who became my husband.

He's now 32 and much more mature in his faith than I am. He's great and caring and shows me selfless acts of love very often.

I come from a typical secular white European family.

We're both now conservative Muslims; however, we aren't fundamentalists in that we believe there are quite a few cases where the Quran and the Hadiths are hard to interpret and where honest and sincere Muslims can agree to disagree.

He teaches me a lot of things but often points out that he's not infallible and that I should read the Quran, Hadiths, and sources for myself and that he can be wrong.

I want to follow Allah's will, and if something is clearly written, I accept it even when I don't understand it, as God's understanding and wisdom totally transcend mine.

In the case of the headscarf, I believe that the Quran and Hadiths are rather clear that a Muslim woman ought to dress and cover herself in a way that does not attract men who aren't her husband. Unlike what I thought when I was an atheist, I no longer think this is a sexist double standard, as men are much more visual than women.

I also accept that while my husband has duties towards me and must treat me kindly, I ought to submit to him when we have a disagreement.

While we were talking about the headscarf, I told him that I wasn't convinced that the Prophet (peace be upon him) taught that women ought to wear a head covering that conceals everything and that the texts are somewhat ambiguous.

He told me something like this (not his exact words):

"- I accept the fact that you don't yet share my interpretation. However, on a personal level, I really want you to cover your whole body with a chador or jilbab. You're an attractive woman, and I know that many men desire you. I know that you want to be faithful to me, but human beings are weak when facing temptation. You may not think this is required of other Muslim women, and that's fine. However, I am your husband, and you must submit to me."

I told him I'd think about it and asked the opinion of two Muslim women who wear the hijab.

Malika (not her real name) said: "No, it's wrong for you to wear a chador just because your husband wants it. You should only do it if you believe that Allah wants all women to wear it."

Rachida (not her real name) said: "Yes, even if I don't think that a chador or jilbab is required, this is what your husband told you to do. And whenever your husband wants you to do something that doesn't violate the Sharia, you must obey him."

I agree with Rachida that I must obey him, which is why I've now been wearing a jilbab. I think it is both elegant and very modest, and there are no longer any men approaching me, which my husband really likes, but I have to face islamophobia.

However, do you think that Malika might be right and should I no longer wear a jilbab if I'm not convinced it is required for all Muslim women?

P.S: in this thread, I don't want to debate about the proper headscarf, that would be the topic of another post.

 

[Wood Pigeon]

Sister, it sounds like you’re trying sincerely to please Allah and respect your husband, and that’s commendable.

Since you said you don’t want to debate the headscarf itself, I’ll just answer your main question:

If you wear the jilbab only because your husband asked, and not because you believe Allah has required it of you, then it may be worth reflecting on whether this is something you can embrace willingly rather than out of pressure. A husband can advise and request, but your own conviction matters too.

If you find the jilbab modest and you’re comfortable with it, there’s no problem continuing. If not, then it may be better to revisit the issue calmly with him and seek a solution based on mutual understanding, not just command and submission.

As Salaamu Alaykum!

 

[Revert_Muslima]

Thanks for your answer, brother!
I think it is a bit cumbersome to wear a jilbab and I must get used to it.
At the same time, since you can choose the colour, I was able to find quite elegant ones.


What really bothers me is the ISLAMOPHOBIA I experience on a regular basis: I'm told to go back to my country (as I can easily pass for an Arab / North African given that quite a few of them have a white skin too). When they realize I'm a white European, they tell me I've been brainwashed by my husband (how condescending) and fail to see that I've embraced Islam after a lot of reflections and research.
I'd probably face less bigotry if I just wore an hijab.

Now I do want to point out that my husband treats me very well in many respects and make lots of efforts to bring me joy and treat me well.

I already talked with him about it, he told me that he understands my pain. He also likes the fact I enjoy my work (we studied roughly the same things in STEM) but that he doesn't want me to work in a male-dominated environment or to go out with my female friends if I don't wear one and that he's very glad that when men see both my jilbab and my wedding ring, they no longer try to flirt with me. And so he tells me that I ought to submit to him.

I've the impression that as a Muslim woman married to him, I religiously am not allowed to just tell him "no, I won't do it".
According to

Sure An-Nisa 4:34​

"Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard."

Sure Al-Baqarah 2:228​

"And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise."

I can also understand why he wants me to be dressed so modestly than no man approaches me, even if I am firmly committed to be faithful to him, it's true that as human beings we're fallible and weak and it can happen that we do what we shouldn't.

 

[Revert_Muslima]

So what's your thoughts on that, am I truly religiously allowed to tell him: "No, I won't obey you with respect to that?"

 

[Wood Pigeon]

Hello sister!
The Qur'an also states, in so many words, that Allah doesn't want to burden people with more than they can handle. And also suspicion and mistrust is frowned upon.

But from my own personal experiences, I would say that trust is very important in a healthy marriage.
Constant mistrust and undue suspicion can damage any relationship or marriage straight away.

One can also not expect all men to 'wear buckets on their heads' to avoid looking at their wife.

So you do have the God-given freedom to say no to such minor things. If you could wear a hibab, swung over your shoulder instead, it is very stylish, and also marks you are a married Muslim woman.

My daughter, a Muslim convert, wears a jibab, freely, just out of Muslim identity, but I don't know how she can handle wearing it in hot weather.

So the most important points here are communication and trust.

As Salaamu Alaykum!

 

[Wood Pigeon]

Thanks for your answer, brother!

What really bothers me is the ISLAMOPHOBIA I experience on a regular basis: I'm told to go back to my country (as I can easily pass for an Arab / North African given that quite a few of them have a white skin too). When they realize I'm a white European, they tell me I've been brainwashed by my husband (how condescending) and fail to see that I've embraced Islam after a lot of reflections and research.
I'd probably face less bigotry if I just wore an hijab.

Hi sister,
I replied to this in the following post, but on the subject of Islamaphobia:

I write a thread called 'Light for the Heart', about the problems facing new converts. I wrote 126 of these little 'thoughts for the day', as I have experienced all these things myself.

In case you are interested in reading them, I post a new one every morning around sunrise, after I feed my Wood Pigeons. I hope they may bring comfort to you.

As Salaamu Alaykum!

 

[Revert_Muslima]

Thanks man, I totally agree with you that "The Qur'an also states, in so many words, that Allah doesn't want to burden people with more than they can handle."
I also strongly believe that the husband has the duty to be kind towards his wife, to care about her well-being and to bring her joy, and my man certainly does that. We have lots of common interests and we understand each other very well. However, given the debauchery of Western European society and how easily people cheat on one another and how weak the human heart can be, I think it's legitimate for him to want me to be covered.

You seem to be a rather liberal Muslim but in the Quran and the Hadiths, I don't see that women have a "God-given freedom to say no to such minor things". The commands in these Sura seem to indicate that the wife should always obey her husband:

"Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard."

"And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise."

At the same time, it's haram for the husband to impose to his wife things that would cause her an unspeakable suffering, but apart from Islamophobia, that's not the case. If we lived in a moderate Muslim country like Turkey or Morocoo, I think I'd eventually be fine with wearing a jilbab while other women wears only a hijab and others no head covering at all, since I wouldn't be harassed and mocked.

 

[Wood Pigeon]

Sorry about my line concerning 'God-given freedom', that was from my own values, and not from the Qur'an.

But the Qur’an teaches mutual kindness and justice in marriage, not harsh control. Allah says, ‘Live with them in kindness’ (4:19), and ‘They are garments for you and you are garments for them’ (2:187), which points to closeness, protection, and mutual dignity. It also says, ‘There is no compulsion in religion’ (2:256), and ‘Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear’ (2:286). So even if a husband prefers modest dress, he should ask with wisdom and gentleness, not force or humiliation. A wife’s dignity matters, and marriage is meant to be mercy, not coercion.

As Salaamu Alaykum!

 

[Muhammad]

Assalamu alaykum sister,

I think the main issue here is about Islamophobia experienced whilst wearing the Jilbab. It seems you already agree that wearing the Jilbab is better in principle, even if you don’t believe it is mandatory. In that regard there is no conflict with what your husband is asking.

But if you will suffer harassment and Islamophobia as a result of wearing the Jilbab, then this may change things and therefore you should make this the focus of your discussion with your husband. In such a case it may be that wearing loose, modest clothing that fulfils the criteria of women’s dress may achieve the purpose without drawing undue attention. And Allah سبحانه وتعالى Knows best.