Marriage difficulties

May be she isn't the best house wife but this insecurity would kill me too. And for me too would be really very dificult to adapt myself and live in husband parents house. If, after marriage i would be left to live with my parents that would be heaven for me. ,She faces too many changes in your marriage. And to have two small children which need to be changed, feed all the time that its a big problem which could make her do not have the time to make you food or you find the rented flat in a small war zone.
 
Can u just try to love her inspite of all her failures (first wife) . I do not gurantee that she might change.

as the hadeeth goes of holding the family ties when they do not work rather than reciprocating them. i know its too much of self sacrifice from ur side and just no freedom . just imagine as if ur freind didnt have met u then how would u be- its all better for the kids and ur wife and ur family. at the end of the life it will be a wise decision. at least no blame on ur heart that u were the one responsible for breakdown of the house. life is just full of challenges and trials.

completely my advice.
 
Ikram, did you do that exercise?

You may think that "thinking deeply" about all these conflicting thoughts would be enough, but they are NOT enough.

May I ask you to consider another fact:

If your wife were to go to the imam and explain her side of the story, is there a possibility that the imam would say something that supports her instead of you?

Just think about it.

It's difficult as of now to take care of your current family. Do you think it will be easier if you bring someone else along?

As you have explained a few things that you don't like in her, does she have a few things which she doesn't like in you? Hmm...

When you do something for her, what do you expect in return? What if you were to do some things for her just out of sympathy and care, and expect NOTHING---absolutely nothing---in return? What would happen? Did you try?

Did you express how you feel about her to her openly (without making any accusation)? You can just say: "when you do ____, I feel ______." Use that exact same sentence for EVERYTHING you want to improve in her.

Then, (if you can put aside the male pride for a few minutes for the sake of a serious decision-making) ask her to do the same thing: use that same sentence and tell you EVERYTHING that she wants to see you improve about you.

Sounds kinda tough? Doesn't it? Yeah. Marriage is garden. Most likely, you haven't been taking out the weeds for a long time; now they're choking the good flowers. You have yank out those weeds right away before you can grow more flowers.

You don't want to REPEAT your marriage story #1 if you decide to have a marriage story #2.

Does that make sense, Ikram?
 
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:sl:

Thank you very much brothers and sisters. Firstly, the second woman is not Pakistani (nor is she my cousin in that case!). I would like to say that I did indeed try and sit down to talk earlier last night after my post. However, all was fallen on deaf ears. I have tried to explain that inspite of the years that I have never put any conditions on my wife, she still doesnt listen to the little things that go on. I also stated that I can understand that she wants to do things her way, but sometimes if she is wrong there is no harm in her listening to what others have to say. I advised that life is indeed too short for conflicts and these should be eradicated.

The result, the rest of the family (my uncle and aunty namely) decide to jump in and try to set ME straight. After all the hard work I tried in getting to MY part that im responsible for, it was all switched.

The result? I have to now leave as there are statements being thrown about that I said I want to give her a divorce and throw her out! Where do these allegations come from??? Astakhfirullah! I would never throw out any woman with her children, would never dream of it! And they accuse me of doing that to my own?!!

Time is hard as of now but Allah never puts a burden too great for your shoulders not to withstand. Inshallah I will come out by telling the truth and nothing but the truth! Ameen

:w:
 
To brother Sharif, i apologise for this however I did not complete the given task. May you please forgive me, but once reading the above you will understand why not.

Salaam.
 
TotalControl said:
To brother Sharif, i apologise for this however I did not complete the given task. May you please forgive me, but once reading the above you will understand why not.
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It's extremely important that you keep your cool during this crucial time.

Constantly say "a'oodhu billaah" and make wadoo' as often as you can.

You don't have to win every single battle to win the real war!
 
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I would suggest making some time and doing that exercise.

Because during a situation like this, our emotions tend to override our "logic" and we end up making bad decisions and later on regret them.

Writing what we want to gain and what we want to avoid by both choices will give you more clarity, insha'allaah. And then with istishaarah and istikhaarah, you can't go wrong!
 
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Bro TotalControl,
First of all, Im so sorry to hear your situation. Being forced to marry at such a young age to someone whom you are not attracted to, isn't good.
but bro, for the sake of your children, and for the sake of your family, why dont you just try her out once more?? but first of all, increase her iman level and you increase yours. and then try your marriage out. just once more. try to ignore the past 8 years or so and try it out. cuz personally, from wots going on, i see that divorce will be harsh on your kids, on your current wife and it will break family ties (i.e. your uncle and aunt wont speak to your parents, etc) and this will just cuase more chaos. people wont understand how ur feeling (even though they should) instead people will blame everything on you. so bro i think it might just be less hassle free if you try her out.
how abt you and your wife both watch this lecture:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgaDPMvFJTE
Insha'Allah it will help you out in your problems. and like bro Sharif said, just like how there are things you dont like abt her, im sure there are things she doesnt like abt you (none of us are perfect) and at the same time, try to think of the things that you like abt her. try to talk to her abt this. plz. i pray that Allah alleviates ur burden and makes things easy for you Insha'Allah
and im really sorry to hear abt your daughter (inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon)
 
Is it really healthy to be in a mariage for the sake of the children when the spouses dont get on and are not happy????

my sister made that mistake when she was young she stuck through everything and held on with all she had just for the sake of her children, and the result!!!

17 years down the line her kids have grown up and now you can see the effect its had on the children! and believe you me its not healthy whatsoever!

why is talaaq permitted in islam????? must be a reason would you not think?
i hear this all the time, for the sake of your children do this and that or oh just this last time, i have watched people do this for decades and it always has been this one lasttime but its ended up being many years, and now if you see them they are miserable, their lives are miserable and their kids are misrable forever in the middle, they see no love between mum and dad, nothing to inspire them or teach them what a healthy and loving marriage is all about, instead miserable faces!

just cos you have children it should not stop you from doing what you think will be better for your ownself if your so unhappy to be with your wife to the point where you have been suicidal then think!!!!

your kids will always be in your life cos you are their father but you have to make that full effort with them, having a divorce does not mean your life is over!!!!!!

just like you are unhappy i reassure you that your wife is too, but its harder for her to take these steps its always not easy fo women especially if she is from back home.

people will step in and they will say all sorts, especially your family, there will be so many tamashe!!!! seriously mark my words, then the emotional blackmailing will start, then your kids will be thrown in your face and you will be made to feel like the biggest and most evil person ever!!!!!!!!! but you have to be strong and stand by the truth!!!!

saddest thing is it will always be the family that will do this, and in these situations i have always wondered if they really think back to the root and core of the problem and why this has happened, forcing or emotionally blackmailing your kids to get married to someone they dont even know let alone from back home needs to be stopped! cos if that stops then you wont havemany sitautions like this.

i know so many pakistani brothers that are married and have wifes and children since thy were taken back home at a young age and married off, they do nothing but go out with different women every weekend drink take drugs, commit adultery and screw up other poor sister's lives cos they are not happy in their marriage and never have been and the poor wife is sitting at home looking after the kids thinking that her dear husband is away from work or round his cousin's house up north.

it seriously disgusts me, but its TOO COMMON!!!! why ???? what is the reason?????
yes islam encourages t get married young but no it does not encourage to be forced or emotionally blackmailed to marry your cousin from back home!!!! the reason why it encourages to get married young so that you dont commit sin! but YALLAH!!! is it not worse to be committing adultery when you have wife and kids at home????????

sorry Eeman is getting frustrated again! i apologise.

wa salam.
 
Ikram, experiences have no meaning except the meaning you attach to them--no matter how bad they are.

That said, whatever you decide, decide that out of purpose and good-will. Do NOT make a decision out of pure guilt! Think: when you'll be 60 or 70 or 80 years old, will you look back and REGRET this decision which you're about to make? What can you do NOW, so that at age 80 (insha'Allah, if Allah gives you a long life), you can look back and say: "alhamdulillaah, that was one of the best decisions of my life. I have no regret whatsoever. I've led a life with purpose and joy!"

You may think in your current situation you cannot possibly make such a decision. Think again. You CAN make a decision. People have been in worse situations and came out winning and smiling. If they can do it, you can do it even better--with more ihsaan--with pure excellence.

Remember, "life is toil." LIFE IS TOIL! Prepare for the consequences and the results. Better yet, make allies with the consequences instead of fighting with them.

Did you pray taHajjud and cry like a baby asking Allaah for help and guidance? (Don't answer that; just do it).
 
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I have read your story, was very moved by it, but don't have any positive comments to contribute and for that I apologize.. I have some what grown to resent your family in the process of reading, for I don't believe they understood at all the long horrid chain of consequences to their actions and how many people including young ones will be affected by it....

It is very unislamic of them to force marriage on you but I suspect you already know that.. I fear your story serves as what could happen when one doesn't follow Allah's commandments and forces the subject of marriage on someone neither physically nor psychologically and I suspect not fully financially ready for it...

Best of luck akhi whatever decision you make I pray that Allah will guide and make it easy on you and all other parties involved!

:w:
 
Leave few days to pass and your wife have time to analyse what you have said. May be she doesn't want to go back in pakistan so if you would give her a good option she will be happy too.
 
Sahabiyaat said:
i hate to put my personal lifes experiences into this, but you remind me of someone whom i would disagree with alot.

i cant say it less brutally, you didnt like her, you shouldnt have slept with her.
Its as simple as that, and using her tears as an explanation is very weak.

Bringing 2 children into this world and then divorcing their mother to marry someone you fancy,.. what a way to go. Maybe your situation is more complex than this, but this is how everyone will see it, your sons when they grow up, ur wife, ur family. They will hate you because you dumped them, im sorry, but thats the harsh reality of it. They are not going to understand your feelings in all of this, that you are human too and make mistakes.They will simply see you as someone who abandoned them for his....whatever your relationship to that woman is.



From the above it only seems your thinking about your little love story with this woman.

anyway brother, my opinion doesnt matter, brother Sharifs advice is much more worthy of your situation.

forgive me for my harshness, but your situation, ive seen it TOO many times, and the painful and life changing consequences EVERYBODY involved has to suffer in the years to come.

:w:
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:sl:
I agree with some of ur point sis.

As bro TotalControl say his iman grow stronger than it is better for him to know the ruling of having or not wanting child. I believe if u study and take authentic ref u would have a very different mentality.

Pls note this
In Islam a Man is choosen as a wali(Guardian) of his family.
That does not mean to powered over ur familly. That mean A man has do more sacrifice, he has to take more responsibilities. Use ur brain and do not unjust to ur familly.

If u have a valid reason u have full right to take any legal decision. Try 2 find what Rasulullah and His companion did or advice to other in such/similar situations.

www.islam-qa.com.. can b a good site. go search there or put a question there.

May Allah help us..
 
:sl:

Alhamdulillahe rabilla'lameen! I have battled long and hard and have said I will accept to work things out with my wife. And she accepts to me getting married again!!

Alhamdulillah! Inshallah Allah SWT will show us the right path and will guide us through to better times, leaving the worse of them far far behind.

Thank you brothers and sisters. I know this thread almost became a sitcom but will keep you updated on whats to come.

Ameen.

:w:
 
TotalControl said:
:sl:

Alhamdulillahe rabilla'lameen! I have battled long and hard and have said I will accept to work things out with my wife. And she accepts to me getting married again!!

Alhamdulillah! Inshallah Allah SWT will show us the right path and will guide us through to better times, leaving the worse of them far far behind.

Thank you brothers and sisters. I know this thread almost became a sitcom but will keep you updated on whats to come.

Ameen.

:w:
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salam alaikum brother,
so she is allowing you to have a second wife?:skeleton:

wa salam.
 
TotalControl said:
:sl:

Alhamdulillahe rabilla'lameen! I have battled long and hard and have said I will accept to work things out with my wife. And she accepts to me getting married again!!

Alhamdulillah! Inshallah Allah SWT will show us the right path and will guide us through to better times, leaving the worse of them far far behind.

Thank you brothers and sisters. I know this thread almost became a sitcom but will keep you updated on whats to come.

Ameen.

:w:
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:sl:

Alhamduliah...

things seam to have worked out..good thing you didnt do anything you would regret

ALLAH (SWA) is the Greatest...ALLAHu Akbra!!!!!

happy to hear that you wont have to seprate,divorces have become way to common with Muslim couples lately..we're getting to comfrotable with it you know...

ill shut up now

congrats though

:w:
 
salam bro, can i ask you something do you really feel or believe in your heart that you will be fair to both of your wives if you were to marry the other woman in your life?

wa salam
 
Seek some professional advice, I think it is a shame that parents do not wait till their children are mature enough to be married off,as was in your case.I am sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter, but please do not blame yourself to the point you did.God decides who he sends and who he takes,and the reasons are not always for us to ever know.
 
Seek some professional advice, I think it is a shame that parents do not wait till their children are mature enough to be married off,as was in your case.I am sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter, but please do not blame yourself to the point you did.God decides who he sends and who he takes,and the reasons are not always for us to ever know.
I wish you the best and honestly,a clean break is better for both parties in the long run.At least your wife will have the right to decide her future too without silly complications getting in the way.As for your children, you can still be the best dad even if you are not always with them.
 

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