My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

[Imraan]

It appears that both of you are measuring by selfish standards, if you both choose to measure by the eternal standard - that of your Creator and Sustainer, you would both have been able to "get along jus' fine", a house divided does not stand for long, whoever of you manage to get in line with your Creator's standard (if not both of you) will be the most successful - and you'll definitely realise this when you wake up after the 70ish year term that it takes to drop to the bottom of hell.

Read surah at-Tahrim.
Also, your family and hers are helping to mess things up by conspiring in secret - indicating a lack of trust - and no intelligent person is able to put up with such an insult and lack of due respect for long.

I tried to guide her, bought her books, encouraged her to learn about our sunnah, sat down with imam for guidance, she learnt some stuff i.e. her rights, however she missed out everything else and was reluctant to sit down with the imaam again cos she knew she broke the agreement we made back in Jan 2018 where the imam advised us and made us agree, we had to sign his document. however in her eyes she says the imams advice and agreement doesnt really hold any substance for her.

she broke the trust at an early stage, i wanted to act and address it, but my family advised against it, they didnt want a broken marriage especially as she was pregnant. It was after the birth i was no longer reluctant to resist speaking up.

i've read the translation of surah at-tahrim, thank you, it has given me further insight.

JazakAllah.

 

[xboxisdead]

I tried to guide her, bought her books, encouraged her to learn about our sunnah, sat down with imam for guidance, she learnt some stuff i.e. her rights, however she missed out everything else and was reluctant to sit down with the imaam again cos she knew she broke the agreement we made back in Jan 2018 where the imam advised us and made us agree, we had to sign his document. however in her eyes she says the imams advice and agreement doesnt really hold any substance for her.

she broke the trust at an early stage, i wanted to act and address it, but my family advised against it, they didnt want a broken marriage especially as she was pregnant. It was after the birth i was no longer reluctant to resist speaking up.

i've read the translation of surah at-tahrim, thank you, it has given me further insight.

JazakAllah.

Brother, I would not wish to happen to any man May Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) make it easy for you ameen. - brother hug -

 

[Imraan]

Assalam walaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu. This sounds like yet another wacky, seriously crazy story on a Muslim discussion forum. If she is as you describe, she sounds like a very selfish and manipulative woman who only married you for gold and maybe status as somebody's wife. She definitely seems to have given her heart to the other guy who might be a married man. If that's the case, you can't win her back. Consider a divorce before she continues manipulating you for not 4 but 40 years!!!

Walaikum Salaam Sister, sounds whacky I know but it is 100% true, I cant help blaming myself for the most part, how stupid am I, all my life i conducted our family matters cautiously but my impatience, desperation, lack of self control, love for this girl put me in this tragedy. circumstances which I will have to i've with for the rest of my life. What hurts the most is the life of my daughter, knowing that she will most likely be brought up like her mother in the Brick Lane area.

As for the other guy, she keeps on denying anything happened after the wedding, but i'm having a hard time forgiving her for this and everything she did to me after the wedding. my suspicions over her have grew tremendously over time, does she have any self respect, does she have any sincere respect for anyone else, she definetely aint got it for me, maybe she's too good for me, too rich for me, better looking than me, I pray everyday that Allah swt forgives me for 'ill' following my desires through self rightousness. All i wanted to do was get married, picked the wrong girl, who was to know?

if the will was from Alah swt, then we as servants of Allah have a duty to take precautions, which I didn't. I'm a failure, big failure, big massive failure, Asthagfirullah.

Part of me thinks she will change, part of me thinks she will never change. I do want to show mercy towards her for the pleasure of Allah swt as divorce is the last resort but I don't want to be hurt again, i've been doing Isthikhara with a hope that Allah puts all my affairs in order, if she is meant for me she'll apologise to me my family , declare submission etc and come back, if not then let her stay with her family, she doesn't need me 100% anyway. Never has to that scale. Nothing I can do.

 

[Umm♥Layth]

I couldn't read everything, but man oh man. That's a ton of drama! I feel for you and I know what a situation like this can do to a man.

If you want a relationship with your daughter GET MOVING NOW. The longer you do nothing, the easier it will be for her to take all your rights away as a father. Status quo is what will be followed and this is being set every day that goes by. Mot western countries work the same so I'm pretty confident in what I'm telling you.

Demand to take your daughter as often as possible and get the court involved RIGHT NOW. You will regret it if you don't! Don't try to play the nice guy and be lenient because like I said, status quo will win almost every time.

 

[Umm♥Layth]

Sister, you do know there is a huge sexism toward fatherhood, right? There is anti-father society we live. Society is content to give the child to a monkey than to let the child be given custody to the father.

I am absolutely well aware of this, however, heed my advice. You need to do something now instead of letting time go by. When I said status quo takes priority I meant that whatever normal you and your ex wife establish, that is going to be what the courts use to establish visitation.

With all due respect, if this child is yours and you wish to be a part of her life, you need to not be a wimp about it. Yes in western countries women have the upper hand with children, but men who want to be a part of their kids lives manage at the very least, every other weekend. Is it fair? Not in many cases, but that's what you are facing. You have to try though and you have to give it your all.

You have to do something as well as turn to Allah to make things right. I am no lawyer but I am very familiar with how child custody proceedings work. If you don't move and get visitation going now, your lack of interest will work against you. The clock is ticking. Before you even decide on divorce, establish visitation.

Edited to add: This message was meant for the original posted. Not xboxisdead.

 

[Imraan]

FYI, we didnt register the marriage in the office, we did nikkah only, ordained by the imaam and we have the islamic marriage ceritificate. Got a feeling they may demand it to be registered, but without trust and a 'sound and stable relationship' at this point it would be a very foolish move. Then she may target my house, she did in the past ask about titleship to property here in the UK and in my motherland. Again this speaks volume about a persons character in my opinion.

- - - Updated - - -

FYI, we didnt register the marriage in the office, we did nikkah only, ordained by the imaam and we have the islamic marriage ceritificate. Got a feeling they may demand it to be registered, but without trust and a 'sound and stable relationship' at this point it would be a very foolish move. Then she may target my house, she did in the past ask about titleship to property here in the UK and in my motherland. Again this speaks volume about a persons character in my opinion.

- - - Updated - - -

in the 18 months of marriage she's only lived with me since the baby was born in Sept 2017, thats when she transferred the surgery details and when we registered the child at my local surgery. Only after that event she stayed under my care 80 - 90% so its been what just over 8 months.

 

[Imraan]

but before the baby's birth, my wife came and stayed with me on a part time hotel guest basis, thats how it felt.

 

[MuslimahRo]

Assalam walaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu, brother. You deserve better than a part-time nominal wife. Talk to a lawyer. The fact that you didn't do a civil marriage might work in your favor. Talk to a regular lawyer and an Islamic shariah lawyer if you can find one.

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

It's wrong to make speculations about someone without knowing 100% the truth; we shouldn't pass our judgements based on some messages between her and a guy. I'm not saying what she's done was right, but it's not adultery and we don't know the nature of the messages to make it sound as if it were. We need to be careful not to slander or cause more fitnah.
[MENTION=43069]Imraan[/MENTION], this is a very difficult time for you and I believe that you should seek some help both legally and Islamically. If there is any way to work it out with her, then that is the best course of action. If there isn't, then you should both try to be civil through this process and make arrangements with her to see your daughter. Make du'a and seek help from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. You never know; things can change. It's easy to be hateful, angry, and look for all of the reasons it went wrong, but just take it as a test as any test in life and try to do the things which will please Allah.

 

[Imraan]

Assalamu Alaikum

It's wrong to make speculations about someone without knowing 100% the truth; we shouldn't pass our judgements based on some messages between her and a guy. I'm not saying what she's done was right, but it's not adultery and we don't know the nature of the messages to make it sound as if it were. We need to be careful not to slander or cause more fitnah.

@Imraan, this is a very difficult time for you and I believe that you should seek some help both legally and Islamically. If there is any way to work it out with her, then that is the best course of action. If there isn't, then you should both try to be civil through this process and make arrangements with her to see your daughter. Make du'a and seek help from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. You never know; things can change. It's easy to be hateful, angry, and look for all of the reasons it went wrong, but just take it as a test as any test in life and try to do the things which will please Allah.

I want to but i have some major trust issues with my wife and her family, the stuff that has happened seem to me like they want to put me at an disadvantage. I don't have any financial unity with this person, i have debt, i asked for assistance once, but i never got anything helpful back. Her mum back in Sept 2017 said how they lived their lives in London, they wanted to implement the same with me, they as a family lived their financial lives as follows, her mum prescribed to me: the father goes out to work, with that money he pays for the house, the bills, the food and some support to his wife and kids. the mother works/claims benefits and she spends on herself and her kids. Personally I did not like the segragative approach. On top of that my wife took her wedding gold to her dads and to put in his safe 2 months after the wedding, then challenged me on her working back in london which she somehow managed to make happen. I can;t help thinking some of this was premeditated as they were prepared for any seperation at an early stage, why do people get married then?

as for the messages with the guy, i'll have you know when i found it on her phone the day after the wedding, i read through it, she sent her good looking pics and there were video recordings of their facetime, i took proof of it and sent it to my phone, i have pictures of her with her hair out video chatting to a guy lying on his bed. this is the proof ill be presenting at the 'sit down' with elders, i don't care who it upsets in their family, i'm the one who is hurt, its my duty to demand justice or let her go, she ain't trustworthy or good for me. I don't even want her to mother any of my offspring after everything. I pray everyday for a solution, i want everyone to be happy but it seems impossible at times.

i tried a civil separation discussion with her, she said "i'll claim the child support off you but i think it would be better for her if you didn't visit her". "Why?" I asked, she said "then she won't wonder why someone comes periodically to visit her or take her home", my wife is probably thinking if she can get married then maybe our daughter won;t notice a change in the father and life will go on as nothing ever happened.

 

[*charisma*]

as for the messages with the guy, i'll have you know when i found it on her phone the day after the wedding, i read through it, she sent her good looking pics and there were video recordings of their facetime, i took proof of it and sent it to my phone, i have pictures of her with her hair out video chatting to a guy lying on his bed. this is the proof ill be presenting at the 'sit down' with elders, i don't care who it upsets in their family, i'm the one who is hurt, its my duty to demand justice or let her go, she ain't trustworthy or good for me. I don't even want her to mother any of my offspring after everything. I pray everyday for a solution, i want everyone to be happy but it seems impossible at times.

I understand, but it is still something which doesn't mean she actually committed zina. She did commit a form of it, but you have to be careful with that. If you want to divorce her, you have that right and you have enough valid reasons already to divorce her, but you shouldn't expose her sins.

i tried a civil separation discussion with her, she said "i'll claim the child support off you but i think it would be better for her if you didn't visit her". "Why?" I asked, she said "then she won't wonder why someone comes periodically to visit her or take her home", my wife is probably thinking if she can get married then maybe our daughter won;t notice a change in the father and life will go on as nothing ever happened.

It wouldn't be her choice to keep your daughter away from you if you could get visitation rights. You should inquire about that soon.

I know you feel hurt and betrayed, but at the end of the day, you can at least say that you tried your best to work it out and it just didn't work out. THat's Allah's decree. If you don't believe you put in enough effort, then you can keep trying. You will move on with your life inshallah and this is definitely a lesson learned I hope because both of you have made mistakes from the very beginning. It may not seem like anything makes sense now, but perhaps things will be more clear later on and you'll understand why everything happened the way it did. I just urge you to try to keep your calm and don't do anything based on just your emotions. You seem to have a good support system, so consult with them and try to look at this as more of a learning experience rather than as a failed marriage.

 

[Imraan]

We are now in September. So far the following has happened.

In regards to the sit down, the day she left, i told her not to apply for maintenance until the elders have sat down. it was agreed that she would come back to me with a sit down date ( i even have her message "wait for my father to call you with a sit down date). I followed up with her every week for about 9 weeks about the sit down date only to be told in the 9th week "oh we are waiting on your family for a sit down date", that didn't go down to well with me. By that time relatives were abroad in the UK six week summer holidays etc so we are waiting on their return which should be within the next 2 weeks.

After Ramadan i requested to see our daughter for the first time, my wife would oblige and me and my family would meet our daughter in a shopping centre in London and spend about 4 - 5 hours with her. so i would again request to see our daughter every 3 or 4 weeks (due to distance), so we did that on 4 occasions. On the 4th occasion my wife starts talking about money saying "my father can look after and finance me, but he's not willing to finance our daughter, therefore im going to have to go through child maintenance, i responded ok, its best to keep it private for now until we sit down so i agreed an amount and told her i would pay on Monday every week, which i did. On the fifth occasion when i asked to see the baby, she said she's not well, she's doesn't leave the house etc and that i would have to go to her parents house to see the baby, i replied "are you mad, you know that's awkward with everything that's going", she said "sorry that's the way it is". I requested a few times to see if her health has improved, but i kept getting the same responses back. Eventually she gets spotted at another shopping centre far away, i (via text) confront her saying why did she say she's not well and that she doesn't leave the boundaries of her house when she was spotted in a shopping centre 10 miles away? no valid answer could be obtained, she even topped it off with "I'll go out again if i have to, its no ones business!". I stopped the conversation, when it came to pay day she contacted me asking me why i hadn't paid. i said i'll pay when i see the baby, she says that's not possible and that i leave her with no choice but for her to go claim via the child maintenance service. I received the preliminary letter today to which i phoned them up saying i would like to be doubly sure she's my kid by requesting the paternity tests.

It looks like the legal proceedings for custody is inevitable now especially as someone has started making arrangements outside of the islamic marriage by going all 'civil law on me'. of course i have a duty to defend myself and fulfill any duties required of me islamically, insh Allah i will.

In regards to the sit down with elders... it doesn't look anything good can come from it apart from highlighting complaints from both parties both true and false with and without evidence. My wife has already told me her people wont punish her nor does anyone value the 'imam's recommendations', so is there any point? ive been advised to end it amicably, but how, both parties need to be willing to end it amicably and accept their faults.

i don't plan to bring her back to my house where my mum is living, no way unless she agrees to all my requests re: apologies, character/behaviour rehabilitation, bring the wedding jewellery back etc. which i think the chances are 99.9% very unlikely.

advice from people i know include:

- don't issue talak to her especially if you can prove she was negligent towards the marriage from the beginning (i can prove it)
- make it look like so that i will take her back (call her bluff) if she does pledge to improve herself and after i find her separate accommodation, she can apply for a council flat right? as a single parent
- if there is no sit down with elders, then she will have to consult the Islamic shariah council to request the talaq from me or even the khula. Am i entitled to get the 8k GBP and Mahr back? if i am, who enforces that if they refuse to give it back?
- She cannot make any claims to my assets due to her being a 'financially non-contributing cohabitee' in the eyes of UK civil law.
- Should i initiate the custody application now or still await a sit down with elders, i think i should as precious time is being wasted (although we need to await paternity test results). If i do apply, does it by any way imply anything in terms of Islam that i have made my decision not to take my wife back?
- Likewise my wife has initiated the child maintenance claim, to me it gives the impression my wife is definitely not coming back.

All these events seem too much sometimes, i feel I'm at my limits, too many headaches and instances of tension, the only thing stopping me from suicide is my religion, my responsibility to my family, my mum, sisters, nephews, daughter (paternity test permitting) and the constant reminder that i should be grateful for all i have achieved to date and all i have at present.

please remember me in your prayers
-to make us understand that these calamities are actually blessings for us
-to help us through these tough times
-so that Allah swt makes it easier for us
-and remember the innocent child caught up in this marriage issue
-pray that i get full custody of her, although she is the mother i am not fully confident that she is fit enough to be one unfortunately, i have evidence for that too (where she sent me pictures of the baby (at 4 months old) on the baby bouncer chair upside down with the baby's head on the kitchen floor tile), my wife thought that was entertaining for her and that she would share that with me on a joking level. Are mothers allowed to do what they like with their children? no, if its not humane and ethical then they shouldn't!. people say that islamically the mother has 3 times more HAQ on the child than anyone else related, should i just leave everything in Allah swt's hands?

Jzk for your time in reading this and please remember me, my family, the whole muslim ummah, humanity and mankind in your dua's.

Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathuhu

 

[Shamnadanu]

We are now in September. So far the following has happened.

In regards to the sit down, the day she left, i told her not to apply for maintenance until the elders have sat down. it was agreed that she would come back to me with a sit down date ( i even have her message "wait for my father to call you with a sit down date). I followed up with her every week for about 9 weeks about the sit down date only to be told in the 9th week "oh we are waiting on your family for a sit down date", that didn't go down to well with me. By that time relatives were abroad in the UK six week summer holidays etc so we are waiting on their return which should be within the next 2 weeks.

After Ramadan i requested to see our daughter for the first time, my wife would oblige and me and my family would meet our daughter in a shopping centre in London and spend about 4 - 5 hours with her. so i would again request to see our daughter every 3 or 4 weeks (due to distance), so we did that on 4 occasions. On the 4th occasion my wife starts talking about money saying "my father can look after and finance me, but he's not willing to finance our daughter, therefore im going to have to go through child maintenance, i responded ok, its best to keep it private for now until we sit down so i agreed an amount and told her i would pay on Monday every week, which i did. On the fifth occasion when i asked to see the baby, she said she's not well, she's doesn't leave the house etc and that i would have to go to her parents house to see the baby, i replied "are you mad, you know that's awkward with everything that's going", she said "sorry that's the way it is". I requested a few times to see if her health has improved, but i kept getting the same responses back. Eventually she gets spotted at another shopping centre far away, i (via text) confront her saying why did she say she's not well and that she doesn't leave the boundaries of her house when she was spotted in a shopping centre 10 miles away? no valid answer could be obtained, she even topped it off with "I'll go out again if i have to, its no ones business!". I stopped the conversation, when it came to pay day she contacted me asking me why i hadn't paid. i said i'll pay when i see the baby, she says that's not possible and that i leave her with no choice but for her to go claim via the child maintenance service. I received the preliminary letter today to which i phoned them up saying i would like to be doubly sure she's my kid by requesting the paternity tests.

It looks like the legal proceedings for custody is inevitable now especially as someone has started making arrangements outside of the islamic marriage by going all 'civil law on me'. of course i have a duty to defend myself and fulfill any duties required of me islamically, insh Allah i will.

In regards to the sit down with elders... it doesn't look anything good can come from it apart from highlighting complaints from both parties both true and false with and without evidence. My wife has already told me her people wont punish her nor does anyone value the 'imam's recommendations', so is there any point? ive been advised to end it amicably, but how, both parties need to be willing to end it amicably and accept their faults.

i don't plan to bring her back to my house where my mum is living, no way unless she agrees to all my requests re: apologies, character/behaviour rehabilitation, bring the wedding jewellery back etc. which i think the chances are 99.9% very unlikely.

advice from people i know include:

- don't issue talak to her especially if you can prove she was negligent towards the marriage from the beginning (i can prove it)
- make it look like so that i will take her back (call her bluff) if she does pledge to improve herself and after i find her separate accommodation, she can apply for a council flat right? as a single parent
- if there is no sit down with elders, then she will have to consult the Islamic shariah council to request the talaq from me or even the khula. Am i entitled to get the 8k GBP and Mahr back? if i am, who enforces that if they refuse to give it back?
- She cannot make any claims to my assets due to her being a 'financially non-contributing cohabitee' in the eyes of UK civil law.
- Should i initiate the custody application now or still await a sit down with elders, i think i should as precious time is being wasted (although we need to await paternity test results). If i do apply, does it by any way imply anything in terms of Islam that i have made my decision not to take my wife back?
- Likewise my wife has initiated the child maintenance claim, to me it gives the impression my wife is definitely not coming back.

All these events seem too much sometimes, i feel I'm at my limits, too many headaches and instances of tension, the only thing stopping me from suicide is my religion, my responsibility to my family, my mum, sisters, nephews, daughter (paternity test permitting) and the constant reminder that i should be grateful for all i have achieved to date and all i have at present.

please remember me in your prayers
-to make us understand that these calamities are actually blessings for us
-to help us through these tough times
-so that Allah swt makes it easier for us
-and remember the innocent child caught up in this marriage issue
-pray that i get full custody of her, although she is the mother i am not fully confident that she is fit enough to be one unfortunately, i have evidence for that too (where she sent me pictures of the baby (at 4 months old) on the baby bouncer chair upside down with the baby's head on the kitchen floor tile), my wife thought that was entertaining for her and that she would share that with me on a joking level. Are mothers allowed to do what they like with their children? no, if its not humane and ethical then they shouldn't!. people say that islamically the mother has 3 times more HAQ on the child than anyone else related, should i just leave everything in Allah swt's hands?

Jzk for your time in reading this and please remember me, my family, the whole muslim ummah, humanity and mankind in your dua's.

Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathuhu

Is there any way you can maker her fall in love with you again.?

 

[Imraan]

I must reiterate, based on my experiences of her character and ethics, the likelihood of her falling in love with me again is zero. The magnitude of the issues (whilst it could have been much worse) have been significant from my perspective. I have been advised to forgive her for everything as long as she accepts fault, pledges to fulfil the basics of her husband's right and repents for her sins (and I genuinely would forgive her for the pleasure of Allah swt if she did) but I'm quite sure she self righteously thinks she has done nothing wrong.

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum

Please could you seek the advice of a respected islamic teacher/counsellor?

I believe this would be better for you insha Allah.

Please pray to Allah swt to guide you to the right decision. Allah swt is always there for you.

From what i have read the effort and input is only from one side. This can only last so long. This is a matter of your sabr levels. I was told forgiveness should have limits. How many times do we keep forgiving a person for the same or different crimes? Again a test of your patience. Seek Allah's Almighty help. Allah swt is there for us.

 

[xboxisdead]

Asalamualykum

Please could you seek the advice of a respected islamic teacher/counsellor?

I believe this would be better for you insha Allah.

Please pray to Allah swt to guide you to the right decision. Allah swt is always there for you.

From what i have read the effort and input is only from one side. This can only last so long. This is a matter of your sabr levels. I was told forgiveness should have limits. How many times do we keep forgiving a person for the same or different crimes? Again a test of your patience. Seek Allah's Almighty help. Allah swt is there for us.

Problem with over forgiving is that it gives the other person to keep pushing and pushing and going beyond the limit. If Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) where to forgive all his creation to a point that even he forgive people who are to die a mushirk and and kuffar to paradise then no one will worship Allah, everyone ill do the most vile evil thing...murder, stealing...evil sexual act, list goes on will be the norm and we will push beyond the limit and go destroying everything in the wake...we will be boosting of arrogance and haughtiness because in the end we will be forgiving. Allah is all forgiving..no doubt...his forgiveness is infinite..but he also puts boundaries to how far we can go that if we die in that state...the door of forgiveness is closed on us. I.e, shirk..kuffar are greaat examples that if the person DIE in that state...the door of forgiveness is closed on that person.

Humans are limited beings...there is so much far we can go before we cannot forgive anymore. To OP, you are more patient than me. Not every man is as forgiving as you are..if I get married and I got half of her attitude that you went through...I will divorce her next day. Sorry. I do not have the patience you do.

Women of today must understand that men of today are not the same as men of the day of the prophets and sahaba. There are more men with short fuse than men like the OP. I might even say men like OP nowadays are the exception and not the rules. I will go even as far as men nowadays are reaching their limit when they have to deal with terrorism. Women terrorizing men under the guise he have children with her and use the children as weapon against the men and men submitting to such terrorism are thankfully becoming short supply. If you are blessed to be with a man who you can terrorize and dominate and treat him like a dog and he submit to you ...I say to sisters with such men...grab him with both hands and do not let go of such men. More men are ready to disown their children and want nothing to do with them and do not care if their own children commit suicide or go to jail than have to deal with you. If I had a son with you sister and you use him against me...TALAQ..he is your property. You can castrate him and turn him into little girl..I will simply laugh and do not care what you do with him. He is not my child..he is yours. I will simply shake my head and move on. So for the OP...I salute you. I respect you. I bow down to you to be this patient. You have strength I do not have. I look up to you actually, you got real strength and I envy you. Mash'allah. But brother I will not be against you if you divorce her or cannot take it anymore. If I was you I would pack my bags and accept my lose and move on. You cannot fix her. You cannot change her. This is who she is. If you cannot take it, I by all means do not blame you...find yourself a better wife than her. If you do not want to get married anymore I also salute you and a sympathize with you and agree with. May Allah Subhanahu Wa talaa make your life easy and give you a happy life, ameen.

 

[Imraan]

Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu

dear beloved brothers and sisters.... here's an update on my situation

Paternity test came back positive, daughter is mine, thus child maintenance payments are being paid monthly as per the Child Maintenance Service as of 1st week of September 2018.

C100 court application initiated beginning of September starting off with a compulsory mediation process which meant waiting another month roughly before I could begin to fill out the form. By the time I had researched the process and had help completing the form myself, copies made etc and submitted etc, it was beginning of November. Phoned them this week and they said possible hearing date is end of January in a family court in East London (i did send the application to 2 other courts 'which delayed the application further' prior to the last court hoping the hearing could take place on the outskirts of London, but it was outside the jurisdiction of where my daughter is staying). Spoke to several solicitors and read forums online, i got mixed views. Some fathers really have lost the battle with minimal visitation rights (if any given there's no brainwashing of the kid leading the kid to refuse to see the father), other views say i should be allowed at least a day or a two every two weeks depending on how far father lives etc. Me living so far away I think it would be hard for me, but i'm going to try 'one full weekend once every three weeks inshallah'. All depends on the judge on the day and how many hearings it takes to get the child arrangement order, simple cases take up to 3 hearings, complicated hearings including true or false allegations of danger/hazards etc can take more. The more hearings = the more the case is stretched out.... i haven't held my daughter for 4 months now, how long more do i have to wait, life is hard but i'm patient. I do ask about my daughter and request photos of my daughter vie her mother so i know she's OK. Got it all in text so even if court asks i can prove that I am a concerned parent.

in regards to my property,
- according to shariah law, my daughters mother doesn't get anything apart from keeping the mahr £8k paid 2 days before the wedding (but we also have a right to ask for that back if there has been foul play (btw mixed views on this). My daughter is due financial support from me (which i'm paying) and my daughter does inherit a portion of my assets (when i die).

-according to UK law, based on cohabiting couple scenarios, mixed views from solicitors etc. Some say the mother can claim on her own account and on behalf of the kid but would be lengthy/costly.

Regarding the sit down with the elders, it is proving to be somewhat difficult, getting their relatives involved... we contact their relatives, their relatives get in contact with my mother in law, the relatives get shut out. We are trying to get some elders and the imam involved, my family and her parents and brothers should be there too, we won't sit down otherwise. The sit down is to realise the financial loss from my part and to try and claw back anything that im due islamically. Our Imam has advised me that I am due at least the gold back. We won;t be sitting down to reconcile differences, my daughters mother has said "she's not willing to apologise for anything she or her family has done and that even if i can prove her negligence towards the marriage and the acts she carried out to sever marital ties with me and the ties and kinship between the families that no one from her side will hold her accountable, no one is bothered, no one cares. I was utterly disgusted, is it even worth liaising with such shameless people? For some reason I feel we have a duty to sit down to get a resolution, someones got to give the divorce and give back whatevers due, right?

Their alternative which is common in the UK now, is 'avoid the sit down and the female applies directly to the shariah council with a £300 and applies for a Khula, which she eventually gets without being held accountable for any wrong doing she did in this marriage'.

Dont know when this will be over, seems to be taking ages. I can't even think about moving on whilst i have all this hanging over me and other elements in my circumstances...

in the meantime have been praying, reciting, giving charity, developing spiritual self further with an attitude of accepting that Allah swt is in control of all my affairs, insh Allah. I do get occasional moments of contemplating my full history of good times and bad throughout my whole life, asking myself if I made the right decisions etc, feeling insecure or downhearted about my future here in this life and wondering what is round the corner, natural right? .... I will only get what is decreed for me. Pray it is made easier for all of us.

Please remember me in your prayers... I would appreciate it very much.

Jazak Allahu Khayran

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum,

Please remember me in your prayers... I would appreciate it very much.

Jazak Allahu Khayran

Brother, I suggest you hire an attorney or seek the advice of one. Continue to attempt to see your daughter, even if it is frustrating, and pray for the guidance of your ex-wife and her family. You should read up on custody law in your area and present yourself in a matter that is befitting to the court system. I know there are a lot of emotions involved here, and I hope that Allah will grant you what is best and never prevent you from your child. Make sure that anything that you send to your ex-wife is not demeaning or shows irrationality or abuse on your part as she would be able to use this against you. Try to keep a journal of events that occur between you and your wife concerning the divorce and the attempts to see your daughter. Since your marriage has ended and I know it's painful, try to put those emotions aside and focus on your future inshallah. I know you did not expect or want your life to have gone in this direction, but everything happens for a reason and it isn't the end of the world alhemdulilah, you can still have a wonderful and happy life after all of this inshallah. Consider it a lesson learned for the future. Focus on being able to bond and have a relationship with your daughter as that is the most important at the moment. I hope the best for you.

 

[xboxisdead]

Assalamu Alaikum,



Brother, I suggest you hire an attorney or seek the advice of one. Continue to attempt to see your daughter, even if it is frustrating, and pray for the guidance of your ex-wife and her family. You should read up on custody law in your area and present yourself in a matter that is befitting to the court system. I know there are a lot of emotions involved here, and I hope that Allah will grant you what is best and never prevent you from your child. Make sure that anything that you send to your ex-wife is not demeaning or shows irrationality or abuse on your part as she would be able to use this against you. Try to keep a journal of events that occur between you and your wife concerning the divorce and the attempts to see your daughter. Since your marriage has ended and I know it's painful, try to put those emotions aside and focus on your future inshallah. I know you did not expect or want your life to have gone in this direction, but everything happens for a reason and it isn't the end of the world alhemdulilah, you can still have a wonderful and happy life after all of this inshallah. Consider it a lesson learned for the future. Focus on being able to bond and have a relationship with your daughter as that is the most important at the moment. I hope the best for you.

I disagree! My best advice on this matter is he keeps the money and put it toward her education and inheritance. He should save the money toward when the time comes to paying child support. He shouldn't wait for his daughter to come to him and he should seriously consider moving on. He should focus helping himself psychologically and health wise. He shouldn't cut ties. The best way to avoid cutting ties is to send her letters by mail or e-mail. See if the wife agrees he can have social relation with her via skype? If not and the mother refuses then ask the mother's permission if he can talk to his daughter by mail or email. If the mother refuses then at the sight of Allah, he have tried but he have no means so the one who is cutting ties is the mother and not him.

 

[*charisma*]

I disagree! My best advice on this matter is he keeps the money and put it toward her education and inheritance. He should save the money toward when the time comes to paying child support. He shouldn't wait for his daughter to come to him and he should seriously consider moving on. He should focus helping himself psychologically and health wise. He shouldn't cut ties. The best way to avoid cutting ties is to send her letters by mail or e-mail. See if the wife agrees he can have social relation with her via skype? If not and the mother refuses then ask the mother's permission if he can talk to his daughter by mail or email. If the mother refuses then at the sight of Allah, he have tried but he have no means so the one who is cutting ties is the mother and not him.

Unsure what you're disagreeing with as you just reiterated everything I said :/