My wife don't want to wear the hijab. Divorce?

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Muslim89

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Dear brothers and sisters,

My wife converted to the Islam 2 years ago and is originally from Peru. Lately I am facing some serious problems with my wife. My wife refuse to wear a hijab, is temperament and is sometimes really stubborn with me. I explained her that wearing hijab is really important in the Islam, she know this also. But she told me that for her is difficult and she will never wear a scarf or hijab. I told her that I want to see her in the paradise and we have to work together to achieve it. But, I cannot do this by myself. Also I told her that I am responsible for her and she need to obey me instead to be stubborn.

My wife she pray her 5 daily prayers and she also doing the Ramadan.

I cannot force my wife to wear the hijab, but I am also tired to repeat and to fight for this. I think my wife will not change her mind set. We still don’t have children, is it for me acceptable to stay in this relationship or do I need to divorce her? Or follow and do this for Allah?

Thank you for advising.
 
She's still a new convert and she will need some time. It would be wise if you back off on the idea as she will find it controlling and it may very well turn her off from hijab all together. How are her Islamic studies coming along? Remember there is knowledge and then there is understanding. Knowing something doesn't compel a person to act. Understanding comes with time and practice of the knowledge.

Wearing the scarf is only part of hijab, does she adhere to other parts of hijab like loose clothing, staying away from men, carrying herself in a modest manner etc? I personally would wait on having children until you see that she has settled into Islam well and whole heartedly. Children change marriage in ways I cannot even describe and many marriages (in modern age) end upon the arrival of a new baby, sadly.

Another question would be, how are YOU doing as the imaam of your household? Do you understand why you pray 5 times per day, fast and why women should wear hijab? Are you leading by example? Are you kind and loving to her? There's alot more to your situation than what you may think. Not everyone follows rules simply because they are told to do things, ESPECIALLY not a hispanic woman ;) we are not the tamest of the female species. Conviction needs to come to her and she will blossom. You can either help her develop or help her turn away depending on your mannerism. You have alot to do with this.

You are blessed that she is praying her salaat. Masha'Allah. For many this is the most difficult part.

May Allah keep you and your wife on the straight path always. Ameen.
 
Wa alaykum assalam,

Brother, divorce is *utterly* a last resort and I personally don't believe that this reason alone is enough to justify divorcing her.

I am assuming when you married her she wasn't wearing the hijab, and the truth is you initially accepted her as she is but since then your faith has grown - which is good ma'sha'Allah. However you cannot expect her iman or understanding of Islam to increase at the same time as yours. Be patient and understanding with her. She might be confused as to why you suddenly wish for her to wear the hijab if you didn't make that clear before marriage.

More than that, she prays five times a day and observes Ramadan - so she does have a commitment to Islam which you can build on.

Hijab is certainly compulsory for Muslim women, so I'd recommend you continue to advise her *gently* on its importance in Islam, don't be pushy, maybe get her to visit the mosque or some Muslim sisters who can teach her about the rulings concerning the hijab. In'sha'Allah she'll be receptive to it once she has been given enough evidence and explanations. And make sure you lead by example as her husband.

If this is the only issue in your marriage, I wouldn't divorce on these grounds alone. May Allah swt guide us all to the correct understanding of our religion. Ameen.
 
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:salam:

Do not help shaytaan in turning her away from Islam, i.e. do not be idealistic. She knows it is an obligation, and she is sinning by not having Hijab on.

She is in a time of weakness right now. What she needs is the fear of Allah, and understanding of the deen. Alhamdulillah she prays 5 times a day.

Balance between hope and fear of Allah. Be gentle about it..

I honestly don't know how to make her wear Hijab, and I understand your frustrations.

Allahu alam.
 
Thank you for answering. Below answer to your questions:

Wearing the scarf is only part of hijab, does she adhere to other parts of hijab like loose clothing, staying away from men, carrying herself in a modest manner etc

She is improving to dress loose clothing. She dress jeans but most of the time she cover her behind, the same with covering her chest. Before it was the opposite. But she stays away from men and carry in a modest manner. She don’t drink alcohol and is not interested in parties. She have a good heart.

Another question would be, how are YOU doing as the imaam of your household? Do you understand why you pray 5 times per day, fast and why women should wear hijab? Are you leading by example? Are you kind and loving to her? There's alot more to your situation than what you may think. Not everyone follows rules simply because they are told to do things, ESPECIALLY not a hispanic woman

we are not the tamest of the female species. Conviction needs to come to her and she will blossom. You can either help her develop or help her turn away depending on your mannerism. You have alot to do with this.


Hamdolilah I am practicing the Islam as good as I can. Yes I understand why we pray and I pray daily, yes I understand why women have to dress hijab, I am aware that I have to give a good example otherwise its sinless. I know my wife like you said if I dedicate her good time and be kind and sweet she will be like a blossom. I am aware of that but I cannot be always like that and that’s the problem. When I have a bad mood it affect her also and the she can be really sensitive.

I am assuming when you married her she wasn't wearing the hijab, and the truth is you initially accepted her as she is but since then your faith has grown - which is good ma'sha'Allah. However you cannot expect her iman or understanding of Islam to increase at the same time as yours. Be patient and understanding with her. She might be confused as to why you suddenly wish for her to wear the hijab if you didn't make that clear before marriage.

Before we were going to marry we discussed many times about wearing a hijab. I knew it would be a problem but I accepted it. The reason why I accept it is because she converted to the Islam. I said to my self is early to talk about it. But I didn’t want to stay in a haram relationship and that’s why we married.
The next thing is that all due our fights and discussion I got really sensitive with her. There were some serious action from her like being stubborn that I couldn’t accept it from here. Now I am in a stadium that I lost my feelings from here. And I don’t know if to continue with her or not. I feel like I have to break myself emotionally before she improve a bit. I can’t follow like this. I want a peaceful relationship that both can work to pleasure Allah. Not that I have to spend and lose many time to convince someone about believe or other things. I have no energy for this anymore. Too much being stubborn is not a good behaviour.

 
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:bism: Bismillah Ir-Rehman Ir-Raheem
(In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

:sl: (Peace be upon you)

Muslim89 said:
Before we were going to marry we discussed many times about wearing a hijab. I knew it would be a problem but I accepted it. The reason why I accept it is because she converted to the Islam. I said to my self is early to talk about it. But I didn’t want to stay in a haram relationship and that’s why we married. The next thing is that all due our fights and discussion I got really sensitive with her. There were some serious action from her like being stubborn that I couldn’t accept it from here. Now I am in a stadium that I lost my feelings from here. And I don’t know if to continue with her or not. I feel like I have to break myself emotionally before she improve a bit. I can’t follow like this. I want a peaceful relationship that both can work to pleasure Allah. Not that I have to spend and lose many time to convince someone about believe or other things. I have no energy for this anymore. Too much being stubborn is not a good behaviour.
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I apologize, brother, but from what I've read of what you've written here, you don't want to continue the marriage because your ego is hurt that she is not listening and you are perceiving her refusal to wear a hijab as a sign of personal disrespect to you and your role as a husband. However, you refuse to see that you are being perhaps more stubborn on this issue and refusing to see her side at all. It is not easy to wear a hijab, especially if you live anywhere in Western countries. For example, I remember being forwarded an email from another specific to an imam about a few months ago saying that women who are fearful of being harassed or otherwise bothered can elect to not wear the hijab. However, here you are, a man, not likely identifiable as a Muslim to non-Muslim populace, telling your convert wife to wear a hijab when not only all her life she has not worn any type of headscarf but she might have genuine reasons to fear the reactions of others if she should wear the hijab in today's anti-Muslim climate and willingly makes herself an ostensible symbol of Islam. Please know each terror attack that takes place around the globe highlighted in the news becomes a means for some racist or Islamophobic person to harass Muslim women because the women are perceived as easier targets. Recently, in the U.S., a man was ranting an anti-Muslim rant to two women he perceived to be Muslim, and then he subsequently stabbed three men who tried to defend the women, resulting in two deaths. Why is it so hard for you to understand that your wife deserves a husband who understands her and supports her and eases her way into wearing the hijab by inspiring her?

Marriage is hard work, and I am assume you are mature enough to gauge this fact.

If you make the decision to take the path of divorce, then know that it doesn't mean your next wife (as I assume you will not wish to be single for your entire life) will be any more willing to wear a hijab nor will that mean you'll get a wife who automatically submits to your decisions. You cannot win a woman's heart or mind through force or compulsion; you can win her heart and mind by being the best husband you can be so that she's inspired of her own volition to be the kind of wife you think you right now deserve. You came to IB to ask for advice, and you've been given wise advice. Now whether you follow any of the aforesaid given advice depends on you - take some time to reflect.

:wa: (And peace be upon you)
 
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Assalamu Alaikum

Muslim89 said:
Dear brothers and sisters,

My wife converted to the Islam 2 years ago and is originally from Peru. Lately I am facing some serious problems with my wife. My wife refuse to wear a hijab, is temperament and is sometimes really stubborn with me. I explained her that wearing hijab is really important in the Islam, she know this also. But she told me that for her is difficult and she will never wear a scarf or hijab. I told her that I want to see her in the paradise and we have to work together to achieve it. But, I cannot do this by myself. Also I told her that I am responsible for her and she need to obey me instead to be stubborn.

My wife she pray her 5 daily prayers and she also doing the Ramadan.

I cannot force my wife to wear the hijab, but I am also tired to repeat and to fight for this. I think my wife will not change her mind set. We still don’t have children, is it for me acceptable to stay in this relationship or do I need to divorce her? Or follow and do this for Allah?

Thank you for advising.
Click to expand...

You should give her some books about hijaab in her language and continue to give her dawah in a kind manner. Do not be stubborn or angry with her. It's only been 2 years that she's been a Muslimah, so she is still learning. THere are many of us women who are born muslim and it takes us a very long time to wear the hijaab even though we are familiar with it from a young age. She has to obey you as her husband, but since she doesn't see the severity in not wearing the hijaab and also not obeying you, it may just be she needs to reach that level of her iman.

You shouldn't have children with her until you are sure she is the person you want to remain with for the rest of your life. If you have done everything to help her and she is still not fulfilling that obligation, then you have the right to divorce her and marry someone who you believe is more suitable for you. I also think you should consult with a sheikh and see what he thinks.

If you divorced her, do you think she will remain a muslim?
 
Hamdolilah, thank you for the advice i am getting more relaxed. The only thing that really bother me is that i dont want to enter the hell fire because of her, let me make that clear. I believe if i divorce her she will remain muslim. She understand that hijab is really important in the islam, but its still difficult for her, cultural thing. I guess i will seek and invite a imam to talk to her.

Another thing what bother me is the feeling that i had for her is gone. This is all because of the fights that we have had. What can i do about this.
 
:salam:

We all know Hijab is an obligation. Try to recite Qur'an, make it a daily habit, especially in the month of Ramadhan, try to recite, it will purify the soul, make her listen to the Quran.

Listening,
purifying,
Laws of Islam,
the Wisdom,

By listening to the Qur'aan, one purifies themselves. By doing that one draws themselves closer to Allah, who is All-Pure. By getting closer to Allah and being purified by the recitation of the Qur'an, one can start to introduce the Laws of Islam, and explaining the wisdom behind it.

Remember these attributes of Allah:

The King,
The Pure,
The Authority,
The Wise,

Try to make her, and you, engrain the understanding in your hearts. By listening to Quran one purifies themselves from sins and the fitrah gets purified, One should know that Allah has authority and that whatever is legislated in Islam, is with wisdom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9J6dxR6wkjg (1 hour) try to watch it, it is about self-transformation.

AFAIK, if the first thing Allah :swt: revealed, ever, was "do not drink alcohol" the Sahabahs r.a. wouldn't be able to stop. Same here, if you say "wear Hijab", she knows it is an obligation, but she might lack the understanding of wisdom behind it.

One needs to ingrain the Taqwa.
There are gradual steps. I RECOMMEND you to watch the video.

Allahu alam.
 
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Thank you for the video. I will check this first and then share it with my wife. Is there any strong video or powerfull message about hijab that I can share it with my wife.
 
Muslim89 said:
Dear brothers and sisters,

My wife converted to the Islam 2 years ago and is originally from Peru. Lately I am facing some serious problems with my wife. My wife refuse to wear a hijab, is temperament and is sometimes really stubborn with me. I explained her that wearing hijab is really important in the Islam, she know this also. But she told me that for her is difficult and she will never wear a scarf or hijab. I told her that I want to see her in the paradise and we have to work together to achieve it. But, I cannot do this by myself. Also I told her that I am responsible for her and she need to obey me instead to be stubborn.

My wife she pray her 5 daily prayers and she also doing the Ramadan.

I cannot force my wife to wear the hijab, but I am also tired to repeat and to fight for this. I think my wife will not change her mind set. We still don’t have children, is it for me acceptable to stay in this relationship or do I need to divorce her? Or follow and do this for Allah?

Thank you for advising.
Click to expand...

Don't annoy her with hijab and stuff your just annoying her I remember when I was a kid I started praying bymyself but then everybody kept saying go pray and annoyed me and told me to go pray every 5 minutes I stopped praying because of it because no one wants to follow orders from someone if I'm going to do a obligation I'm going to do it bymyself not from somebody (of course I came back to praying) but my point is she's not going to listen to you just you yourself be religious don't push religion on her but you yourself try following new sunnahs and stuff and she'll ask you why are you doing that and you can say it's a sunnah and just keep doing Islamic things and try to be the best Muslim don't order her around and be really positive and sacrifice for her and like be patient just never do anything that would make her angry or annoyed with you and I garentee she would be thinking in her head what's all this Muslim business I want to be like him and she'll start following allong with you humans naturally act like the people they love and hang out with so if you become her best friend and hangout with her all the time and just have fun with her and act like a super good Muslim around her eventually she'd try to fit in because think of it when you hangout with your friends don't you try to fit in don't you change the way you talk and dress well it's the same thing with your wife just be friends with her
 
Does your wife has female Muslim friends? Talking with other sisters might helps her to think again about using hijab and sisters can give to her good advices also about other matters in life like how to restrain temperament. If there is mosque near, there might be some sister´s groups.
 
No that's the problem she doesn't have any Muslim friend. I told her many times to seek for Muslim sisters to help you make understand.
 
Also definitely don't divorce her allah hates divorce and your just following what Sheyton wants because he likes divorce rasoolallah saw said to marry the most pious women you didn't but that's ok because she's still your wife she's a Muslim she's not worthless as long as she's a Muslim you really have no excuse to divorce her unless she does some awful things like cheating on you if she leaves Islam that's a pretty good reason to not be married to her but then again there where prophets married to non Muslims like Noah (as) and then you want to divorce her just because of her hijab?
 
I understand that but like I said before I don't want enter the he'll fire because my wife didn't wear hijab. That's the reason that I don't want to follow
 
Muslim89 said:
I understand that but like I said before I don't want enter the he'll fire because my wife didn't wear hijab. That's the reason that I don't want to follow
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Why do you think that you could enter to the hell fire because of disobedience of your wife? I have thought that we all are in responsible of our own sins only, not others.
 
Because I am responsible for her. If she doesn't want to dress hijab then she cannot leave the house. This have also consequences for me.
 
Muslim89 said:
Because I am responsible for her. If she doesn't want to dress hijab then she cannot leave the house. This have also consequences for me.
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You arnt responsible for her sins you should promote good (I.e by acting yourself like the best Muslim you can be and showing the best character and hanging out with her on all of your free time because this will make her start copying your good actions that's how human psychology works) and speaking against evil this is simple you've allready done this you've allready told her not whering the hijab is bad you don't need to say it like 100x times so you have fullfilled your responsibility with demoting bad and with promoting good you need to implement those things I put in show her that being a really good Muslim is fun and that being a good Muslim makes you more happy and that it makes you a better person this all shows by your character that you a Muslim should work on if you hang out with your wife at all times when you can and have a amazing character she will natrually start acting like you just be the best possible Muslim husband and show her your good deeds not to please her but to make her want to do good deeds too
 
:sl: bro

On the basis of hadith not to fight a muslim ruler untill he offers salah my view though not wearing Hijab is a great Sin of doing against the noble Quran still you should not divorce her as Divorce is ONLY the last thing to do when you see here slip into shirk or kufar.

Alhamdulilah she s doing Salah and we see even during Prophet's time some youngster was engaged in almost all haram matters and people brought this matter to Nabi :saws: who verified whether this person is sincere with his salah ? on an affirmative answer from them prophet :saws: told them to leave him since his salah will stop him and it so happened later this person became a good worshipping person in al Madina.

But you become more nice to her except when she does not wear Hijab , just show your opposition by not talking to her like you will talk always or SOMETHING like that. do not resort to force .

Allah knows the best
 
talibilm said:
:sl: bro

On the basis of hadith not to fight a muslim ruler untill he offers salah my view though not wearing Hijab is a great Sin of doing against the noble Quran still you should not divorce her as Divorce is ONLY the last thing to do when you see here slip into shirk or kufar.

Alhamdulilah she s doing Salah and we see even during Prophet's time some youngster was engaged in almost all haram matters and people brought this matter to Nabi :saws: who verified whether this person is sincere with his salah ? on an affirmative answer from them prophet :saws: told them to leave him since his salah will stop him and it so happened later this person became a good worshipping person in al Madina.

But you become more nice to her except when she does not wear Hijab , just show your opposition by not talking to her like you will talk always or SOMETHING like that. do not resort to force .

Allah knows the best
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Even if she slips into those things they are valid reasons for divorce but that's like only if he wants a divorce if he still loves her and she slips into kuffar or shirk he could just stay married to her because as I said even Noah (as) was married to a kuffar but like if he doesn't like his wife and she's doing major things like riba or stealing than he should divorce her so like I mean don't base is by her sins and don't base it by your feelings for her combine it if she's a awful Muslim with a horrible character that hasn't been willing to change and you can't bear her then sure divorce is fine but if it's purley because she sins or it's purley because you don't like her personality you shouldn't divorce her because both of those are things that can change
 
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