Not feeling like marrying here, what to do when family pressure comes?

[Simple_Person]

Yes, I know it is hard, and may not even be able to do it myself. Allah knows best.

I honestly know NONE in the Middle East. I know only those in my home country (Kosovo) and here in the west.

The only good thing about Kosovo is the Masjids. Other than that, I don't like it at all. Lazy people, corrupt government, no revolution in infrastructure, etc. If you say "LETS CHANGE THIS COUNTRY!" they will laugh at you, if you are serious about something, they will laugh too.

I'll, honestly, hardly find any people there who wants to change society. You are better off doing everything yourself. but that is also unrealistic. Or I could just stand by ground and spread Islam here. Alhamdulillah, I am not giving up.

Kosovo is so corrupt you can barely earn 10$ a day. Teachers earn MAX around 400$ . How are they expecting revolution when greed is all they know??

If we look at things from the RIGHT perspective, sub'han'Allah, a lot of things make sense. Just like Kosovo as you have described, you could say at least where i come from the Middle East is the same. So looking from the right perspective, it is also a blessing from Allah(swt) that many of the honest brothers and sisters who truly want to practice the deen, have a choice. Also because living in a western countries, i can interact with Muslims who do not have the same skin color and background. Thus you see each other really as brothers with Islam being the bond between each other. I had never encountered a brother in dark skin color in my life back home. I was startled and i ran away when i for the first time encountered one (although i was a child back then).

But when i interact with other dark brothers, it is very strange, but i do not see color. I just see another brother sitting next to me or praying next to me. Where Islam started and surrounding Mecca..it has become all rotten you could say. An uncle of mine has went to Mecca for Hadj. When he came back he was describing how beautiful it was. While hearing brother Nouman Ali Khan, he was sad when he saw surrounding of Mecca. He said all plastic bottles and junk everywhere. Which showed to me that my own uncle saw all those garbage surrounding Mecca and the roads as "something normal".

 

[Serinity]

If we look at things from the RIGHT perspective, sub'han'Allah, a lot of things make sense. Just like Kosovo as you have described, you could say at least where i come from the Middle East is the same. So looking from the right perspective, it is also a blessing from Allah(swt) that many of the honest brothers and sisters who truly want to practice the deen, have a choice. Also because living in a western countries, i can interact with Muslims who do not have the same skin color and background. Thus you see each other really as brothers with Islam being the bond between each other. I had never encountered a brother in dark skin color in my life back home. I was startled and i ran away when i for the first time encountered one (although i was a child back then).

But when i interact with other dark brothers, it is very strange, but i do not see color. I just see another brother sitting next to me or praying next to me. Where Islam started and surrounding Mecca..it has become all rotten you could say. An uncle of mine has went to Mecca for Hadj. When he came back he was describing how beautiful it was. While hearing brother Nouman Ali Khan, he was sad when he saw surrounding of Mecca. He said all plastic bottles and junk everywhere. Which showed to me that my own uncle saw all those garbage surrounding Mecca and the roads as "something normal".

But I think it is also a problem if we leave the Middle east altogether and stay here.

Change has rarely ever come without opposition. So for change to happen, expect angry people coming at you. Opposition, etc.

Because if we leave and stay here, then whom will come and make Middle East a more Islamic Society? What I mean is. If all the good people leave, who will better the society?

We need to come back to our foundation - The Quran and Sunnah. Ingrain Tawheed (Oneness, and Pure Monotheism) in our hearts. Once our hearts are united under Tawheed, with the help of Allah. NONE can touch us.

From another thread, you said that This Ummah will have the punishment in this world and in the Akhira, we will have none. (For those who are punished in this life). About the hadith. IF we could just unite under Islam completely, that'd be nice. But reality is, we aren't.

So there are 2 things:

1. If we leave those countries, it might have bad consequences. Because I see a lot of people migrating because they have it worse, and the west has it better (in dunyah perspective that is) but that mindset is flawed. Cause if everyone thought like that, then the country would be all empty. No revolution etc.

2. We have to have Tawheed in our hearts, and unite under that.

For a Law to be implemented the right conditions has to be met. Many times, we can not wait for that, we have to make it happen.

I might be wrong on something - but the gist of is - What is best Deen-wise? Wouldn't it be better to live where the majority of Muslims are, and change THAT society to a more Islamic one??

Because, wouldn't it be easier?

 

[Simple_Person]

But I think it is also a problem if we leave the Middle east altogether and stay here.

Change has rarely ever come without opposition. So for change to happen, expect angry people coming at you. Opposition, etc.

Because if we leave and stay here, then whom will come and make Middle East a more Islamic Society? What I mean is. If all the good people leave, who will better the society?

We need to come back to our foundation - The Quran and Sunnah. Ingrain Tawheed (Oneness, and Pure Monotheism) in our hearts. Once our hearts are united under Tawheed, with the help of Allah. NONE can touch us.

From another thread, you said that This Ummah will have the punishment in this world and in the Akhira, we will have none. (For those who are punished in this life). About the hadith. IF we could just unite under Islam completely, that'd be nice. But reality is, we aren't.

So there are 2 things:

1. If we leave those countries, it might have bad consequences. Because I see a lot of people migrating because they have it worse, and the west has it better (in dunyah perspective that is) but that mindset is flawed. Cause if everyone thought like that, then the country would be all empty. No revolution etc.

2. We have to have Tawheed in our hearts, and unite under that.

For a Law to be implemented the right conditions has to be met. Many times, we can not wait for that, we have to make it happen.

I might be wrong on something - but the gist of is - What is best Deen-wise? Wouldn't it be better to live where the majority of Muslims are, and change THAT society to a more Islamic one??

Because, wouldn't it be easier?

I have pondered about this also, there IS A WAY.. What is this way? Well look at Mecca of back then. It was corrupted to the bone. So compare it with the Middle East of today. However Islam did not gained its foundation in Mecca, but in Medina. So now is the question, what was Medina so different compared to Mecca? The Muslims gathered as a group..as like minded people. If you are as in individual trying to change those people based on words that indeed are truthful, they will laugh at you and it is very hard to create change. As the people especially your own family members will see you as a joke. However, Medina of back then gained a lot of support because the group of Muslims had same mentality of Islam. Like a light-bulb turning on in a dark room.

So going to the Middle East isn't that big of an issue and CAN be achieved, but on your own, it is near impossible. If a group of Muslims together would make hijra and for example live near each other. Practice Islam accordingly, it is also a psychological pillar that keeps the moral of the Muslims in that group up. Muslims then can help each other, start a business together. This small group can be then the light-bulb of other Muslims seeing how Islam should be practiced.

The problem we have as Muslims in the west. We are from all different part of the world and every one of us thinks only about their own situation. Not as a whole. The question is which country to make hijra to? Do all of the people have degrees that the country would want them as foreigners to add to society there? Do they all speak the same language? So there is a lot to think about, but making hijra as a group is possible to change a society slowly.

 

[Shamnadanu]

Dont Run...Fear Allah...yoh have nowhere to hide..who are you hiding from...From Allah's tests or from Government?! You have nowhere to go....say Alhamdullillah

 

[piXie]

I mean, I don't want children or a family here. I just feel like the political and social atmosphere to be too toxic. Or I am just over reacting.

But I geniunely do not want any of my off spring to live here. I already hate the poltical atmosphere and direction.

:wasalamex

You are not overreacting if you do not want to raise your children in the West. Make duaa to Allaah and He will help you.

 

[Serinity]

In regards to children, I can not force them in anything in regards to Islam. I know what evil consequences that can lead to (them hating Islam never wanting anything to do with it)

While I do regard the laws of Allah as the Highest Priority, I can not force them. Right? Cause this page seems quite unreasonable (I see no reason as to why one should force??)

https://islamqa.info/en/212658

 

[piXie]

In regards to children, I can not force them in anything in regards to Islam. I know what evil consequences that can lead to (them hating Islam never wanting anything to do with it)

While I do regard the laws of Allah as the Highest Priority, I can not force them. Right? Cause this page seems quite unreasonable (I see no reason as to why one should force??)

https://islamqa.info/en/212658

:wasalamex

We live in a world where every one of us is being forced to do something one or another. Parents force their children to go to bed n wake up early and they force them to go to school don't they - for their betterment n societies betterment. Having said that, there is guidance upon raising children in Islam including teaching them to love Allah and setting a good example as parents. This way in shaa Allaah - forcing them won't be necessary as they will do it out of Allahs love and fear themselves.

 

[Serinity]

:wasalamex

We live in a world where every one of us is being forced to do something one or another. Parents force their children to go to bed n wake up early and they force them to go to school don't they - for their betterment n societies betterment. Having said that, there is guidance upon raising children in Islam including teaching them to love Allah and setting a good example as parents. This way in shaa Allaah - forcing them won't be necessary as they will do it out of Allahs love and fear themselves.

Yes, I know being completely lenient is not good, nor is being too harsh. balance. Do whatever is necessary in a given situation. the world is not black and white.

 

[Indefinable]

Yes, I know being completely lenient is not good, nor is being too harsh. balance. Do whatever is necessary in a given situation. the world is not black and white.

What did you decide?

 

[Serinity]

What did you decide?

I want to marry, but undecided on where.

 

[ardianto]

I want to marry, but undecided on where.

Getting a spouse is not as simple as choosing a home. If you want to live in City "A" you could go there and seek a house for sale or for rent. As long as you had money you could live there.

If you want to get a wife?. You could go to the place that you like and found women who were looking for husband. But if no one of them was willing to marry you, then how could you get married at there?.

Spouse can come from anywhere. She can come from distant place, she can come from your neighbor house. If you only look at one place, probably you would miss an opportunity that come from another place.

 

[Serinity]

JazakAllah khayr for the feedback / suggestion.

Didn't think of that, lol. Is treating marriage as business a good approach?? Cuz getting feelings into it doesnt seem like a good idea atm.

Allahu alam.

 

[Indefinable]

JazakAllah khayr for the feedback / suggestion.

Didn't think of that, lol. Is treating marriage as business a good approach?? Cuz getting feelings into it doesnt seem like a good idea atm.

Allahu alam.

Marriage on the whole or the approach to the marriage process, as in seeking a partner?

 

[ardianto]

Is treating marriage as business a good approach??

Do not carry business mindset into marriage because it will makes you expect to gain more than what you give, and would stop giving if you didn't gain what you expect.

In business you might spend much money to make your store convenient for the visitors. But it's because you expect the visitors to buy much. In business you might give a gift for your customer. But it's because you expect your customer to give profit more than the gift you have given. And if your customer did not give profit that you expect, you would stop give him a gift. This mindset should not be exist in marriage.

What should exist in marriage is love. And in love, someone has to be able to give without expect something. A husband give something to his wife not because expect something, but because love. The wife give something to the her husband not because expect something, but because love. This is what will raise happiness in the marriage.

 

[Serinity]

Do not carry business mindset into marriage because it will makes you expect to gain more than what you give, and would stop giving if you didn't gain what you expect.

In business you might spend much money to make your store convenient for the visitors. But it's because you expect the visitors to buy much. In business you might give a gift for your customer. But it's because you expect your customer to give profit more than the gift you have given. And if your customer did not give profit that you expect, you would stop give him a gift. This mindset should not be exist in marriage.

What should exist in marriage is love. And in love, someone has to be able to give without expect something. A husband give something to his wife not because expect something, but because love. The wife give something to the her husband not because expect something, but because love. This is what will raise happiness in the marriage.

I meant when searching. Not when inside marriage.

Like for me business is:

Ask:

Do you smoke? (Deal breaker if yes) if no, continue.

About deen, and Aqeedah. (Beliefs, in other words, do you believe in Allah :swt: and His Oneness? His Angels? Qadr? Qiyamah? His Messengers :as

Shia or Sunni?? If Shia, check whether she really is. If she is, then deal breaker. if Sunni, Imma check that too..

Is this ok? Enough?
[MENTION=39825]Indefinable[/MENTION]

As in how to approach marriage.

 

[Simple_Person]

I meant when searching. Not when inside marriage.

Like for me business is:

Ask:

Do you smoke? (Deal breaker if yes) if no, continue.

About deen, and Aqeedah. (Beliefs, in other words, do you believe in Allah :swt: and His Oneness? His Angels? Qadr? Qiyamah? His Messengers :as

Shia or Sunni?? If Shia, check whether she really is. If she is, then deal breaker. if Sunni, Imma check that too..

Is this ok? Enough?
@Indefinable

As in how to approach marriage.

I have found another method that is i THINK more solid in to finding a genuine spouse.

When you talk to her, put some specific kind of questions in the conversations, as if you are not specifically asking for those questions. For example, asking her some general questions of less importance, to hide the real questions like what kind of color is your favorite color, but somewhere in between the questions asking her why people cry during prayer?. If she says, that is sign of imaan, you asking like a "ignorant" person as..huh? how does that work?. If somebody has experienced taste of imaan they will try to explain it in the best of their abilities. When somebody has tasted imaan once, that is for example good indication you have hooked on a good spouse. As that person is willing to go back to that state of ever time again wanting to taste imaan. If that person has never tasted imaan, well it is i think IMPOSSIBLE to describe imaan then .

Also other questions of for example, "Are you a good person?". The person who ponders a lot, will tell you the RIGHT answer. Ask her/him questions that needs pondering, because from a psychological perspective, when somebody would ask you something, we tend to answer it directly. People who are hiding their true nature and pretend to be something they are not, will NOT ponder for example on things they don't find important. Thus their answer, will be a shallow answer that is based on common knowledge and understanding. While a person who ponders often will give you a deeper answer to your question.

It has taken me almost 4 years and i have till now come up with 4 questions. Pay attention to details, her/his behavior, listen to the answer and during that process/analyze the answer looking for contradictions. If there are no contradictions to such a answer, you will in the end even learn something beneficial. Then ask for example genuine questions of how come they see it like that to really benefit from their wisdom. So all in all, if it is a shallow person, you benefit from because you do not marry such a person. If it is not a shallow person, you benefit from, as you learn one or more new things and marry in'sha'Allah .

If you are content with her/him and want to marry him/her, tell him/her at the end of the conversation with what you just have done..with certain type of questions. If you were NOT content with the answers given, DON'T TELL them anything with the questions you have asked. As a person who is hiding their true nature will learn and trick somebody else in their trap. Keep such snakes, blind, don't show them how they can trick people in to making them believe they are genuinely honest people and in the end ruining somebody's life.

In case of parents judging a spouse for their children. I have come up with a different strategy. Also, psychological aspect. If your child is content with certain type of spouse, tell the child to tell that guy/girl, that his/her parent will test him, so he/she KNOWS. Then as a parent you say things that are contradictory to Islam and looking at the behavior of the individual. If he/she is genuinely a person who follows deen, then he/she will correct the person(father/mother), no matter who it is. Speaking out against injustice should be part of the Muslim behavior. If somebody would not do that, that shows that they will also not do that when your child is in a bad situation. Having taqwa of Allah(swt), is very important.

It could be indeed that this strategy is wrong, although i myself haven't seen that yet. If anyone of you does indeed see something wrong with this strategy, please correct me or if you have any addition/tweaking, please do share.

However, i will not give you my questions . Although i have given 2 questions and the answer to only 1 i also have given.

 

[ardianto]

I meant when searching. Not when inside marriage.

Like for me business is:

Ask:

Do you smoke? (Deal breaker if yes) if no, continue.

About deen, and Aqeedah. (Beliefs, in other words, do you believe in Allah :swt: and His Oneness? His Angels? Qadr? Qiyamah? His Messengers :as

Shia or Sunni?? If Shia, check whether she really is. If she is, then deal breaker. if Sunni, Imma check that too..


Is this ok? Enough?

Bro, when you are looking for a wife actually you are not in the position like company owner that select the best among the job applicants, but you will be in the position like the job applicants because you must compete with many other men who are looking for a wife too.

So, rather than thinking how to select, it's better if you think how to make you be selected.

 

[Serinity]

I don't like to compete with other men.

If any woman dislikes me, I rather have her say it straight to me. I can't be bothered to think what she thinks lol.

 

[Simple_Person]

I don't like to compete with other men.

If any woman dislikes me, I rather have her say it straight to me. I can't be bothered to think what she thinks lol.

Bro, you are good at bromance, but a woman needs romance. That must be one of your issues. A flower sometimes isn't big of problem ;D

No but serious. We brothers really need to clean up our act. A spouse isn't a easy task. We need to learn to be romantic, we need to learn to listen, we need to learn to know how to make a woman laugh. We need to learn to be spontaneous. Learn to cook, too clean. To know how to make her special. That we include her ..as a team in the decisions that are made for a household. A woman is also a good adviser if you let her. I believer she is adaptable, as to how you as a person are, she will adapt to that. So the more intellectual you become, the more intellectual she becomes if she is not. Or the more dumb she becomes if you aren't that intellectual yourself. Just like how friends are among each other. Often friends find the same things important and fun and their intellect is about the same.

At the end, it shouldn't be because we MUST DO, it should be that we even love to know and do these things. I mean how awesome is it, that your spouse loves you even more for how special you make her. Or that she gives a smile when you enter the house. You serve her, she serves you. Fulfillment of a relationship. So we must fix ourselves first and in that journey when finding a spouse be critical to finding the right spouse.

 

[Serinity]

you know the "what a drag" person?

I love being intellectual, etc. Nothing wrong with that. I don't think much of romance. Atm I feel it is a trap. Not something I think of really. It is just a hindrance in my way. Lol. you see. I am not a heartless person.

Romance is not something one should think of when unmarried. I will just have it come naturally anyway.

Before marriage, all I see is business. lol. you see, she is going to the mother of my children. Can't have a prostitute, or a deviant, or an immoral person, ya know.

I don't like romance, atm. I don't even know what that really is lol.

Before marriage: Business.
after marriage: Business but with love."Love" just sounds cheesy to me. If she loves Allah, obv I will love her lol.