Polygyny Advice Needed

[tigersabre]

As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuhu,

Alhamdullillaah, I've been blessed with the opportunity of being able to seek a second wife, and while I'm searching, I'm also preparing myself for that journey.

I'm looking to speak to 3 brothers who are already involved in "successful" polygynous relationships to seek advice from them. Since I've already been married, I know that marriage is huge responsibility, and it doubles and becomes more difficult as more spouses are added.

I understand that managing time, finances, and jealousies are some of the challenges, but I'm looking to learn more, as there is always more, I believe, than others see or say. For example, I was informed that the children also miss their fathers a lot and this is more difficult for mothers than even sharing.

If anyone knows a brother who has been successful in this type of relationship and would not mind me contacting them and asking advice privately (if they don't wish to do so publically), please send me a private message and let me know further details.

Jazakallaah khayr in advance!

 

[AnonymousPoster]

isn't polygamy illegal in the united states?

 

[جوري]

I guess some states in the US allow for this Utah or the vicinity?

If you don't mind me asking ya akhi... how does your first wife feel about this?

 

[chosen]

it is illegal in every state..without exception. why do you want a second wife and have you considered how this will effect your first wife and how it will make her fell.

 

[wilberhum]

I guess some states in the US allow for this Utah or the vicinity?

If you don't mind me asking ya akhi... how does your first wife feel about this?

It is against the law everyplace in the US.

True that in Utah, where the practice is more prominent than anywhere else in the US, law enforcement officials often turn a blind eye.

I'm sure things have change now. Warren Jess is in prison and I don’t think he will be the last.

Anyway Illinois is not Utah, so you better seek some legal advice too.

 

[snakelegs]

i too, am wondering how does your wife feel about #2?
also, are you sure you can provide for 2 families and give of yourself equally?
(i can't imagine why anyone would want to take on that much responsibility)

 

[chosen]

even if your current wife is okay with it know..many problems are bound to happen in the future to change her mind.. if you have a good women and she is a good wife and mother why would you do this??? It baffles the mind.

 

[ashley66]

I hope you dont mind me advising you to please be honest with the first wife. When you are ready to embark on your journey, tell her about it and tell her how you feel. InsyaAllah, it may be hard for her but when she realise that you are honest to her, and your feelings to her is still the same and that you respect her opinion even if her consent is not required, insyaAllah she will support you. Hablum minAllah , hablum minannaas. Of course try to be fair even if your feeling to one wife may be more than towards the other. You gotta be fair in material and physical, while what you feel inside you can't divide mathematically so don't show this difference if there is any.

 

[Malaikah]

Personally I don't think it is our business to interfere with the brother, if his first wife is cool with it all. It is his business, not ours.

About polygamy being illegal in the US-does this only cover marriages that are official according to US law? The brother will be married to the second Islamicly, not 'legally'. Is that illegal?

I don't see how they can stop that. I mean, if people are allowed to run around sleeping with as many people as they like in one night- how can they stop someone from living honourably with a second wife- who is not even considered a wife by US law, but is by Islamic law?

 

[syilla]

:salamext:

InshaAllah you'll find one akhee

 

[Grace Seeker]

Personally I don't think it is our business to interfere with the brother, if his first wife is cool with it all. It is his business, not ours.

About polygamy being illegal in the US-does this only cover marriages that are official according to US law? The brother will be married to the second Islamicly, not 'legally'. Is that illegal?

I don't see how they can stop that. I mean, if people are allowed to run around sleeping with as many people as they like in one night- how can they stop someone from living honourably with a second wife- who is not even considered a wife by US law, but is by Islamic law?

What that means is that the second wife will be in the same position to the husband as if they were not married at all. She is not likely to be covered under any sort of insurance, not are her children, even though by him. Should he become ill, the first wife could keep the second one from even visiting him in the hospital. But, as far as whether it is illegal for them to have an Islamic wedding, no it is not. It just will not be recognized. The illustration of living together is a good example. Those are also not officially or legally recognized relationships, even if they are many years in duration.

I don't know what the status would be if they were to venture to some country where Islamic marriages are recognized and then return to the USA to live.

 

[Malaikah]

What that means is that the second wife will be in the same position to the husband as if they were not married at all. She is not likely to be covered under any sort of insurance, not are her children, even though by him. Should he become ill, the first wife could keep the second one from even visiting him in the hospital. But, as far as whether it is illegal for them to have an Islamic wedding, no it is not. It just will not be recognized. The illustration of living together is a good example. Those are also not officially or legally recognized relationships, even if they are many years in duration.

That is what I suspected- it is not illegal, though not a very good position to be in either (i.e. no legal rights).

 

[AHMED_GUREY]

Stick to one wife brother, unless the situation calls for it.

 

[syilla]

Try reading this book akhee...

source

http://polygynousblessings.blogspot.com/

 

[Malaikah]

syilla, is this one of those "my experiences with why polygamy is evil" kind of book, or is it actually worth reading?

 

[syilla]

syilla, is this one of those "my experiences with why polygamy is evil" kind of book, or is it actually worth reading?

;D

lol...is it actually worth reading..

try reading her blog...from the first entry...there is some review too on her book..

 

[tigersabre]

isn't polygamy illegal in the united states?

Polygyny is illegal in the sense that you can't get legal rights established for wives after the first according to state and federal law. However, one can still have it recognized by Allah subhaana wa ta'aala

As far as the American judicial system goes, it'll simply be a wife and a mistress.

 

[tigersabre]

I guess some states in the US allow for this Utah or the vicinity?

If you don't mind me asking ya akhi... how does your first wife feel about this?

It's a funny story. I prayed istikhaara regarding the issue, asking Allah subhaana wa ta'aala if he wanted me to do this or not (take more wives) because while I know it is a Sunnah, I wasn't sure if I would be considered just enough to handle it. I further made du'aa that if it would be good for me to do, that my wife initiate the whole process (because I truly love my wife and did not want to hurt her feelings, if it came out that I should do it).

The next morning, my wife came and told me that due to the shortage of practicing brothers, and the sisters who are practicing that are experiencing fitnah as a result, that I should take a second wife. She began suggesting the names of some of her friends.

Since that time, she's been on the lookout for practicing sisters, and upon the recommendation of one of my Islamic studies teachers, I'm working out the details for financially supporting a second family and I'm looking to speak with other men who have been involved in such relationships and would like them to share their experiences so I have a sense from a man's side what sort of unexpected issues could come up.

So, to answer your question, my wife is good with it, and helping me search, alhamdullillaah.

 

[جوري]

ok akhi al7mdlilah..so long as it is comfortable for all of you..May Allah bless all your marriages insha'Allah

 

[tigersabre]

it is illegal in every state..without exception. why do you want a second wife and have you considered how this will effect your first wife and how it will make her fell.

I want a second (and third, and fourth) wife because:

1. I work in daw'ah, and my goal is to influence enough people to realize that the purpose of their life is worshipping Allah subhaana wa ta'aala, and to better live their lives according to how He wishes us to. Daw'ah, however, starts at home, and the first group of people to influence is one's children. My current wife and I plan on having as many children as possible, but in a rational manner (spaced out every 2.5 years, so that the children can complete the course of nursing and the mother can get a break as well).

Along with that, we both see that the best thing we can do for this Ummah is bring in more practicing, righteous children into the world (or, at least try to train up as many as possible), and having more wives is a natural extension of this

2. I prayed istikhaara regarding having more wives, and it came out very positively, in the manner I asked. Consequently, what is best for my deen in this life and the Hereafter is this.

3. Man was created to be polygynous - it's in our natures, so naturally, I have a physiological inclination towards it. It's the propaganda machine of Iblis and his cronies that tries to condition our minds into practices that are twisted and corrupted, and away from our natural disposition.

Finally, it's nothing wrong with my wife. Actually, our lives are very happy, seeking the pleasure of Allah subhaana wa ta'aala. We're just want to expand the happiness