Problems in marriage

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Insane Insaan said:
Sis,

I've gotta go now. InshaAllah I'll be praying for you. If you're near Tooting then Sh. Suleiman Ghani might be a good person to try as above. There is a duaa for istakhara which you read after two raka'ah nafls.

http://www.makedua.com/display_dua.php?sectionid=26

Can you read arabic? otherwise I'll try and find a transliteration tomorrow InshaAllah.

:sl:
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Thank you sister but I don't speak arabic.
 
:sl:
This seems to be a growing problem and it seems to always happen with those muslims who come to european countries and marry reverts when they have there kids then they leave! its happening to 2 or 3 couples around my area one of the sisters whom i know who i worked with said it was simply because he has got his residence and made his money and now hes causing further problems for her. he married another woman from his country he sponserd another woman to come to the country.

then married her. she believed that he already had this planned long before leaving her so sister your not alone. somebody mentioned do istikhara i think thats a good idea now you need the guidance of Allah i do not know why this happened and i don't know why it happens but ive always believed that if a man tells his wife he no longer loves her and he dose not know what he wants it means that there could be something else hes not telling you. something else which is getting in the way of him fully committing to you forever. sister you cannot make somebody love you just remember.

counseling is not suddenly going to change what he feels in his heart. its very sad to hear as divorce as such a bad effect on children. I do not want to fill your head with negative thoughts however what you should do also is cry to Allah and ask him to reveal to you what is the problem why he suddenly feels this way because i strongly believe there is one thing getting in the way and Allah knows best. i hope it works out for the best inshaAllah
:wa:
 
Sameera said:
Salams Sister,

How about you, how do you feel about your husband? Do you love him? It may be that he thinks you don't show him enough love and therefore he is reacting, or he may be depressed about some issues which he hasn't spoken to you about. It could also be he has weak iman like you say. How about talking to him? But first you must be cheerful, happy and look and feel your best.

There are a Muslim couple who do counseling one of them is a converts and live not too far from you. In fact you don't need to go there you can have telephone counseling with them and they may even offer you online counseling:

His name is Stephen Maynard (aka Br Abdullah), tel no is: 01582 411 900 / 01582 411 600. The address is 178 Biscot Road, Luton, Beds LU3 1AX

Abdullah Maynard at email: [email protected]

His wife's name is Sister Shabnam, her e-mail is [email protected]

It's worth phoning them and having at least one or two sessions. They also offer Islamic counselling courses.

You see sister, shaytan often brings negative thoughts into the marital relationship to ruin it. I don't think there is anything wrong with either of you, except that may be your husband wants more love and attention from you. It seems like he is going through a rough phase of depression. It may also be that he's been talking to people who have given him negative influences. If his iman is strong then why shouldn't he love whereas he did before? If he doesn't know then may be he does still loves you and neds reminders how to expressit and feel the warmth. You both need to find time to spend time together, relaxing, doing hobbies you both enjoy, meeting families together or having a break somewhere alone and start strengthening your marriage bond. Let him know how you feel about him saying this and ask him what's his opinion about marriage and about trust and how should two people work in a marriage to make the marriage more successful? Sometimes men play up, but you should not take it too seriously and treat it as his bad mood or bad phase which needs to be remedied and never allow the illness to re-occur, by keeping him in fit condition - make him run after you and make your lives more exiting and fun amicable way and never forget to give him love and support that he needs.

Masha Allah I think it's really wonderful you are doing a counseling course. I hope and pray Allah swt makes you successful and keeps you both happy.

Keep your faith strong and always pray to Him.

Wasalam
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Salams Sister,

Everything that you have mentioned seems correct to me and its exactly what I believe. I have mixed feelings about the situation becauuse we have separted before when we were not practising because of similar reasons. This worries me a lot. InshaAllah it will just take some time for us to sort things out.

I dont feel too comfortable talking about this on open forum. So I'm going to leave it at this. I'm wondering if It would be okay to exchange emails over this forum if some of the sisters wouldn't mind and if it's okay with the moderators??

Kam
 
:sl:
Sister your right your not mean't to be telling other folks of your marriage problems but we are only human and its always feels good to know you have support. depression can be caused for a number of reasons like somebody just do not suddenly get depression :) something has to trigger these feelings off! so as i said ask Allah to reveal to you what the problem is and i will inshaAllah remember you in my dua tonight.
 
^ Salams,

The sahabas went to the prophet for every issue including sexual problems, menstruation, ghusl etc. You should read some of the sahih hadiths, there should be no feeling of embarrassment in discussing such issues, it is part of seeking knowledge, or to receive counseling for serious problems and for the purpose of reconciliation through two arbiters for each (Quran 3:35). This is neither the same as going around divulging secrets of marital life for the pure sadistic enjoyment of it, nor backbiting.

“Say (unto them, O Muhammad): Are those who know equal with those who know not? But only men of understanding will pay heed.” (Az-Zumar: 9)

`A’ishah, the wife of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, made this clear: "Blessed are the women of the Ansar (the citizens of Madinah). Shyness did not stand in their way seeking knowledge about their religion." (Reported by The Group save at-Tirmizi).

“Sex education means informing a young man and woman about how to satisfy sexual desires innate in them according to the laws established by Almighty Allah."

Islam Online: Sexual Education

Also see:

Backbiting & Psychotherapy

Ws
 
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Kam you can e-mail me anytime. It's not my real name so don't worry. None of us know each other here, you can also send me a PM or, continue posting here.

Ws
 
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cat eyes said:
:sl:
This seems to be a growing problem and it seems to always happen with those muslims who come to european countries and marry reverts when they have there kids then they leave! its happening to 2 or 3 couples around my area one of the sisters whom i know who i worked with said it was simply because he has got his residence and made his money and now hes causing further problems for her. he married another woman from his country he sponserd another woman to come to the country.

then married her. she believed that he already had this planned long before leaving her so sister your not alone. somebody mentioned do istikhara i think thats a good idea now you need the guidance of Allah i do not know why this happened and i don't know why it happens but ive always believed that if a man tells his wife he no longer loves her and he dose not know what he wants it means that there could be something else hes not telling you. something else which is getting in the way of him fully committing to you forever. sister you cannot make somebody love you just remember.

counseling is not suddenly going to change what he feels in his heart. its very sad to hear as divorce as such a bad effect on children. I do not want to fill your head with negative thoughts however what you should do also is cry to Allah and ask him to reveal to you what is the problem why he suddenly feels this way because i strongly believe there is one thing getting in the way and Allah knows best. i hope it works out for the best inshaAllah
Im not sure how this relates to my situation both myself and my husband are british we have been married for 8 years. Im not trying to make him love me. Im trying o see if the situation can be resloved as we have children. As the Iman said if all muslims decided to get divorced because they have fallen out of love with each other no one would be married..
Ss
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kam said:
Im not sure how this relates to my situation both myself and my husband are british we have been married for 8 years. Im not trying to make him love me. Im trying o see if the situation can be resloved as we have children. As the Iman said if all muslims decided to get divorced because they have fallen out of love with each other no one would be married..
Ss
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Salams,

Kam, you are right. It is really good to see masha Allah you are thinking positively and intending to resolve these issues.

I really do think he loves you, especially since you have spent time and have children together. Sometimes the marriage goes a bit stale when there is too much work, responsibilities, no rest, or too mush stress/distress then a habit and a pattern grows. Suddenly one partner feels that something is not right and pushes the blame on a loveless marriage when it isn't. It's just the trials of modern day living that need to be resolved; boredom, lack of initiative, lack of motivation and depression are all part and parcel of the new world game. The West do not try to help families to success, but hinder any pathway leading to it.

It is our inner jihad, striving that will make us succeed and no marriage is successful without both spouses sacrifice. What is needed is more love, forgiveness and effort on both sides. It's about building a good relationship in a marriage and from there love will grow.

I'd advise sister go for counseling insha Allah, it will help you both tremendously. Br Abdullah and his wife Shabnam both do marital counseling.

(Also note that, modern day contraceptives, change a females hormones, can have an adverse affect on a relationship, causing various problems and discomfort, allergies, etc during intimacy).

Ws
 
You need to maintain the spark in the marriage - How about going away together just you two and see how that goes?
 
Asalaamu alaikum sister,

The transliterationto the istikhaara duaa is:

Allaahumma innee astakheeruka bi ilmika wa-astaqdiruka biqudratika wa-as'aluka min fadhlika al-adheem. Fa innaka taqdiru walaa aqdiru, wa ta'lamu walaa a'lamu wa anta allaamul ghuyoob. Allaahumma in kunta ta'lamu anna haadhal-amr* khayrun lee fee deenee wa-ma'aashee wa-aaqibati amree, fa'qdirhulee wa-yassirhu lee thumma baarik lee feeh. Wa in-kunta ta'lamu anna haadhal amr* sharrun lee fee deenee wa-ma'aashee was-'aaqibati amree, fasrif'hu annee wasrifnee 'anhu. Waqdir liyal khayra haythu kaana thumma ardhinee bih.

When you get to "haadhal amr", you can not only think of your problem, but mention it too (in your own language if you want).

I've taken the transliteration from the below link but simplified it and made a few spelling corrections to it, so use this one rather than the one in the link.

Here's the link I got it from:

http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1352

May Allah help you and ease your problems. Ameen.

:sl:
 
:sl:
I did not say that it relates to your problem i am saying that your not Alone there is other women like you who went through the same thing. her husband told her the same thing then left as he was not willing to sort out. it seems to be very common nowadays as somebody else said in the thread it was because hes not sexually attracted to you that is not the case with everybody anyway all the best
:wa:
 
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It's easy to fall back in love, when there is mutual understanding, forgiveness and self acceptance.
 
sounds like we need woodrow on this case?! sis i had this problem that started around this time last year? different circumstances, but i was married, im non muslim, he's muslim, 3 kids, one at the time was a few months old, he decided that because he was in the army a was possibly being deployed that it was ok to up and leave, i was at a loss, didnt know what to do...... my advise.... 1 year (almost) later, let him do what he thinks is right, you may not (almost definiately not) think its right but everything happens for a reason, you should sit down, speak to him, explain you are worried for yours and your familys welfare, let him explain what it is he plans to do, my husband left me and my babies behind and i have recently found out from a third party he is about to father someone else child, and my goodness its so hard doing it on your own, but your will eventually realise that it may well benefit you in the long run. i certainly not setting this in stone by saying that your better off without, but as i said nearly a year on im a different person, he has nothing to do with us anymore which upsets me because he is missing our children growing up but im stronger than ever and everything my children are is down to me. i have coped so well and i am a brilliant mum, and its down to what happened.

try your best to work things out, but dont think you have failed if it doesnt work, look at it as the second option. beleive me, you will see it however it turns out to be the better option either way!

Woodrow needs to release his knowledge on here now, he knows toooooo much!

good luck, im praying for you xx
 
Salams All,

Thank you all for your support and replies. InshaAllah things will work out positively for my family.
 
kam said:
Salam all,

My husband and I have been married for eights years. We separted for two years a year ago. We got back together because we both started practising our religion properly. I am a convert to Islam. I'm on my deen my eman is strong at the moment. We have three childen together and I get on well with my husbands family and he gets along well with mine.

Recently he told me that he doesn't love me but I wouldn't discribe myself and as unattractive( im in the process of lossing the excess weight). I have asked him what I or we can do to improve our marriage and hes says he doesn't know.

I do feel quite upset about the situation as his is talking about divorce but says hes not sure what he wants. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Any advice welcome. Thanks
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Welcome to the forum, Kam. :)

I am trying to piece your history together.
You have been married for 8 years and have converted to Islam a year ago.

Can I ask if you married a Muslim and then converted to Islam, or whether you married a non-Muslim and you both converted to Islam?
 
^ Salams, the above question is irrelevant, we have to respect her privacy and not dig into the past as to the circumstances about her/or her husbands belief before or after marriage, in order to prevent room for malicious recrimination by anyone.
 
kam said:
Salam all,

My husband and I have been married for eights years. We separted for two years a year ago. We got back together because we both started practising our religion properly. I am a convert to Islam. I'm on my deen my eman is strong at the moment. We have three childen together and I get on well with my husbands family and he gets along well with mine.

Recently he told me that he doesn't love me but I wouldn't discribe myself and as unattractive( im in the process of lossing the excess weight). I have asked him what I or we can do to improve our marriage and hes says he doesn't know.

I do feel quite upset about the situation as his is talking about divorce but says hes not sure what he wants. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Any advice welcome. Thanks
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:sl:

to quote tina turner, "what's love got to do with it?"

love Allah, love His Messenger and don't sweat the small stuff.

you have 3 kids, Alhumdulillah. they may end up being the brightest scholars in the Din this century. focus on them.

dogging a man about "counseling" can be a bad thing. he already needs an attitude adjustment.

consider this from another point of view:

you got married, had kids. Shaytan got you to split up.

Allah brought you together again when you started practicing your Din.

Shaytan is not happy on either account! he will try to aim you back at the hellfire. May Allah protect you!

tell your husband, Brother, just love me for the sake of Allah. i don't ask any more than that. let's focus on something MORE important, Our Din. we need to learn it so we can teach our children."

If you can do things to be more pleasing to your husband, that is good BUT is is better to do it for yourself. if he is unmindful of the things you do, it might just upset you. just be the best that you can be. focus on your Din.

and if he divorces you, just try to find another husband. it's not the end of the world.

:wa:
 

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