question on marriage

[cat eyes]

It also applies vice versa. Many women want to be chased and many also do the chasing.

hummm thats true. it really dose not look good for a woman to chase after a man its very cheap. and if i wanted somebody bad enough lets just say all a girl would really have to do is look at them for extremely long time and they come running of course it depends how attractive a girl is for them but thats really the truth and if i wanted to be chased id want to be chased by his wali!!

 

[nilufer]

I have a sister who is interested in a brother for marriage. She saw him at an Islamic bookstore where he works. We would try to get in contact with the brother/his family, but the trouble is we don’t know them and they don’t know us so there is no way of initiating talks. We can’t directly approach him as a) we don’t know who he is/if he is married and all and b) even if we did, it may be very awkward, etc. we would also find out about him ourselves (indirectly) but that would be practically stalking, so if and when he finds out that a stranger knows his personal details, it would make him proper scared. and obviously, she cant get to know him.

So, if there is no one mutual person between the 2 parties to get things rolling, how should one go about getting married? Any ideas?

In my opinion it does not look great when a women ask a man for marriage or send somebody to ask him to marry her shame really because the women as we have dignity men should ask our hands for marriage and not we asked them and believe me even if he accept to marry her in any small event argument he will hurt her with saying you are the only one asked me for marriage and you were after me and me i didnt some men they do so better tell the sister to be patient and to do istikharah and INSHALLAH ALLAH SWT will send her the right husband who will ask her hands for marriage , Marriage is a destiney and everything with time

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

In my opinion it does not look great when a women ask a man for marriage or send somebody to ask him to marry her shame really because the women as we have dignity men should ask our hands for marriage and not we asked them and believe me even if he accept to marry her in any small event argument he will hurt her with saying you are the only one asked me for marriage and you were after me and me i didnt some men they do so better tell the sister to be patient and to do istikharah and INSHALLAH ALLAH SWT will send her the right husband who will ask her hands for marriage , Marriage is a destiney and everything with time

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, Sister your opinion is cultural bias because there is nothing in the Shari`ah to prevent a Muslim woman from proposing to a righteous Muslim man.

Hadhrat Khadija (RA) mother of the believers proposed to Rasulallah (Pbuh) does that mean she was undignified?

However, a Muslim woman should be careful not to be deceived by the appearance of a certain person and wrongly judge him as a righteous man.

The women must propose through her male mahram or Wali. Please refrain from using cultural bias in Islamic matters like this as it is contrary to the teachings of Islam.

and Allah knows best

 

[Salahudeen]

In my opinion it does not look great when a women ask a man for marriage or send somebody to ask him to marry her shame really because the women as we have dignity men should ask our hands for marriage and not we asked them and believe me even if he accept to marry her in any small event argument he will hurt her with saying you are the only one asked me for marriage and you were after me and me i didnt some men they do so better tell the sister to be patient and to do istikharah and INSHALLAH ALLAH SWT will send her the right husband who will ask her hands for marriage , Marriage is a destiney and everything with time

Well your opinion is different to that of the sahabba

^ sister what if I told you, your mother khadija proposed to a man??

What if I told you Umar RA offered his daughter to Abu Bakar and Uthmaan before the prophet peace be upon him married her? Interest was show from the girls side first, if it's good enough for the sahabba to do then why can't we do it?? wern't they the best of generations whose example we try to follow?

If there was anything wrong with it then Allah and his messenger would've forbidden it, but the fact is they didn't because there's nothing wrong with it. So why look down upon it as something shameful and undignified.

Why do you look down upon something your mother khadija did?? and the sahabba would do??

I understand your argument that some men will say

"you are the only 1 who asked for my marriage"

but that doesn't mean it's bad for a women to propose, that means those men have problems. And I would never hurt my wife by saying that, if she proposed to me I wouldn't see it as something shamefull. If a man came upto me and offered me his daughter for marriage, I would be honoured.

What's good for the prophet (peace be upon him) and sahabba is good enough for me. Why should I look down upon something they did.

When ever you decide if something is good or bad judge it according to the book of Allah and the sunnah of his messenger, and then accept their opinion as your own. Don't just come out with your own opinion and view when it's contrary to Islam.

 

[Italianguy]

Better find his parents first. Ask a male friend to approach. Why she wan't to marry after just seeing for one day?

I mean.. i know of arranged marriage, most of my family where arranged, excuse me...."Assisted partnership" Got to be politicly correct now a days+o(
But sn't this a little weird? I get hit on every other day at work, but I may not engage in any way,It's insulting....such a bad problem, right;D

I think it is great policy!

Dio è con lei

 

[Italianguy]

My mother tried to arrange me once, a 3 years ago.lol i was 27

I had to pick from 5 women, it was so wierd i met them and their familys at a hall, and they lined up:hmm:

None of whom i chose, don't get me wrong they where beautifull, but i didn't want to do that

1.) Had already 5 children
2.) didn't want children
3.) said she hated speaking english, she was only 18
4.) To career driven....way to much
5.) only 17!!!!

I know its not related but i thought i would share

 

[cat eyes]

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, Sister your opinion is cultural bias because there is nothing in the Shari`ah to prevent a Muslim woman from proposing to a righteous Muslim man.

Hadhrat Khadija (RA) mother of the believers proposed to Rasulallah (Pbuh) does that mean she was undignified?

However, a Muslim woman should be careful not to be deceived by the appearance of a certain person and wrongly judge him as a righteous man.

The women must propose through her male mahram or Wali. Please refrain from using cultural bias in Islamic matters like this as it is contrary to the teachings of Islam.

and Allah knows best

maybe what she means is some men would call it chasing. if the man says no some women will go to desperate extremes and probably not leave the guy alone as women can not take rejection so easily as its allowed in islam for the woman to ask the mans hand some men think stupidly over it and then there ego comes in after the marriage when they have a piety argument so she dose have a point really however i don't disagree to asking a man or getting some one to ask him because if you don't ask you might lose out and Allah knows best

 

[AlHoda]

Hmmm, I always wondered how this business works ;D This is way out of my lead.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

maybe what she means is some men would call it chasing. if the man says no some women will go to desperate extremes and probably not leave the guy alone as women can not take rejection so easily as its allowed in islam for the woman to ask the mans hand some men think stupidly over it and then there ego comes in after the marriage when they have a piety argument so she dose have a point really however i don't disagree to asking a man or getting some one to ask him because if you don't ask you might lose out and Allah knows best

The fact is a women can make a proposal to a man through her Wali without having to feel that she is chasing him or anything like that because as i stated previously those are cultural biases and stereotypes.

What your talking about is a totally different thing. Your talking about next level 'obsessive' women which are not very common but this issue is just about 'normal' women making proposals to men through their Wali which is perfectly acceptable and those women should not be looked down upon because Khadija (RA) aswell as many women from the time of the Prophet until afterwards proposed to men through a Wali.

 

[cat eyes]

The fact is a women can make a proposal to a man through her Wali without having to feel that she is chasing him or anything like that because as i stated previously those are cultural biases and stereotypes.

What your talking about is a totally different thing. Your talking about next level 'obsessive' women which are not very common but this issue is just about 'normal' women making proposals to men through their Wali which is perfectly acceptable and those women should not be looked down upon because Khadija (RA) aswell as many women from the time of the Prophet until afterwards proposed to men through a Wali.

my point i was making was about the sisters post! not about the thread starter which was off topic. some men do look down upon women whether or not they have wali present to ask the man or not especially people from pakistan its the culture to go to the daughters house to ask her parents unfortunitly some men follow culture then the deen and sunnah. like my friend she is a pakistani. men were coming to her to ask her hand and she thought it was weird for her to go to the guys house with a wali. she actually found it quite amusing and funny that her mum would never allow her to do that any way thats the reality nowadays

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

my point i was making was about the sisters post! not about the thread starter which was off topic. some men do look down upon women whether or not they have wali present to ask the man or not especially people from pakistan its the culture to go to the daughters house to ask her parents unfortunitly some men follow culture then the deen and sunnah. like my friend she is a pakistani. men were coming to her to ask her hand and she thought it was weird for her to go to the guys house with a wali. she actually found it quite amusing and funny that her mum would never allow her to do that any way thats the reality nowadays

Its actually middle eastern and Indian subcontinent cultural biases and sterotypes and they are also apparent in western culture where women are inclined not to propose to men and wait for the men to propose to them.
We need to move away from cultural norms and behaviours and move towards Islamic norms and behaviours. it is upto our generations to eradicate these cultural biases and stereotypes.

 

[cat eyes]

Its actually middle eastern and Indian subcontinent cultural biases and sterotypes and they are also apparent in western culture where women are inclined not to propose to men and wait for the men to propose to them.
We need to move away from cultural norms and behaviours and move towards Islamic norms and behaviours. it is upto our generations to eradicate these cultural biases and stereotypes.

she eventually got married to a doctor that her parents only approved of. all the other men were rejected from her parents which apparently were quite alot of men which were shown the door which i found quite amusing and funny ;D the culture stops lots of things like maybe the girl wants to marry a certain type of a man but there culture don't allow that :hmm: like maybe the parents finds a certain woman for there son thats not really attractive in there eyes ;D they are practically forced to marry eachother. so sad imsad

 

[nilufer]

maybe what she means is some men would call it chasing. if the man says no some women will go to desperate extremes and probably not leave the guy alone as women can not take rejection so easily as its allowed in islam for the woman to ask the mans hand some men think stupidly over it and then there ego comes in after the marriage when they have a piety argument so she dose have a point really however i don't disagree to asking a man or getting some one to ask him because if you don't ask you might lose out and Allah knows best

Thank you sister cat eyes thats what i mean and some men here enjoy women asking their hands for marriage that they can satisfy their ego by showing off and using islam

 

[nilufer]

Its actually middle eastern and Indian subcontinent cultural biases and sterotypes and they are also apparent in western culture where women are inclined not to propose to men and wait for the men to propose to them.
We need to move away from cultural norms and behaviours and move towards Islamic norms and behaviours. it is upto our generations to eradicate these cultural biases and stereotypes.

You are wrong brother hamza , Women during the history always have dignity and ego and she decide what she wants to marry or not to marry and thats why ALLAH SWT give us this right and even adools ask us before making act marriage if we agree to continue the marriage procedures or not , With the new lifstyle and technology nowdays and naked women outside and internet and TV etc no men will accept a marriage proposed by wali or brother or friends because our generations nowdays want to go out with the girl and try to understand her and try to make love with her to see if shes suitable or not which is completley wrong and haram but thats the reality so still i will keep on ask the sister to stay far and pray and do istikharak and ALLAH SWT will send to her the right muslim religious person plus marriage is a destiney and with time when ALLAH SWT want

 

[nilufer]

she eventually got married to a doctor that her parents only approved of. all the other men were rejected from her parents which apparently were quite alot of men which were shown the door which i found quite amusing and funny ;D the culture stops lots of things like maybe the girl wants to marry a certain type of a man but there culture don't allow that :hmm: like maybe the parents finds a certain woman for there son thats not really attractive in there eyes ;D they are practically forced to marry eachother. so sad imsad

I agree with you

 

[Yusuf Saeed]

With the new lifstyle and technology nowdays and naked women outside and internet and TV etc no men will accept a marriage proposed by wali or brother or friends because our generations nowdays want to go out with the girl and try to understand her and try to make love with her to see if shes suitable or not which is completley wrong and haram but thats the reality so still i will keep on ask the sister to stay far and pray and do istikharak and ALLAH SWT will send to her the right muslim religious person plus marriage is a destiney and with time when ALLAH SWT want

Even though this is the case with many westernized Muslims it doesn't apply to all of us. I and surely many more would love to marry according to the Islamic laws(which include a woman being allowed to propose a man) and despise the mentality of "trying to make love to a girl to see if she's suitable".

And when a decent Muslim man(there still are many in this world) is wanting to marry and happens to get a proposal from a woman girl through her Wali then I don't think he'd just reject it without a valid reason.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

You are wrong brother hamza , Women during the history always have dignity and ego and she decide what she wants to marry or not to marry and thats why ALLAH SWT give us this right and even adools ask us before making act marriage if we agree to continue the marriage procedures or not , With the new lifstyle and technology nowdays and naked women outside and internet and TV etc no men will accept a marriage proposed by wali or brother or friends because our generations nowdays want to go out with the girl and try to understand her and try to make love with her to see if shes suitable or not which is completley wrong and haram but thats the reality so still i will keep on ask the sister to stay far and pray and do istikharak and ALLAH SWT will send to her the right muslim religious person plus marriage is a destiney and with time when ALLAH SWT want

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, sister this has nothing to do with opinions. We are here to give the Islamic perspective on all matters. Therefore the Islamic perspective for this matter is that it is completely permissable for a women to propose to a man she deems pious, through her male mahram or Wali. It is as simple as that.

Your opinion is not Islamic but it is only your own perspective and generalisation. These generalisations do not apply to me or countless other Muslim brothers out there so I would advise you not to make such statements which do not apply to all brothers because your generalisations apply to those who are not practising and not those who are practising and want to do things the right way which is the Islamic way.

 

[Banu_Hashim]

I agree... approach the bro with a guardian or someone you know who knows the family of the boy.

An excellent video about marriage in Islam.

 

[Salahudeen]

What are talking about do you want me to believe that men nowdays you or any men are same like hadrat umar RD or like sahaba or women like hadrat khadija RD no way , Those people were really religious respect understanding people more fear from ALLAH SWT plus There were no adultrey and no women naked in the streets and no television and make up stores and no women showing off everywhere what are talking about , Even you as a man nowdays go in the street and ask a women hands for marriage she will laugh at you and insult you because they are others boys of her dream everywhere in the stores in the streets on the television and same for women i bet any women now go to ask a man for marriage he will really laugh at her and ask her to make love first with him before marriage in order to play with her , So ok you will tell me her wali or brother or friends can ask shame really because they will get rejected and insulted by the man haram to put them in such situation , Our prophet MOHAMMED SAAS said that we should leave the place where we lost our dignity , This days with this modern lifstyle there is no marriage like that believe me

It's not about what you believe or think, it's about what's allowed and permissable in Islam, and Islam says it's allowed for a women to propose to a man and there's nothing wrong with it, so therefore it shouldn't be looked down upon. It's like talking to a brick wall.

and to answer your question no I don't believe men now a days are like Umar RA and women obviously aren't like Khadija RA or Ayesha your living proof of that.

however that doesn't mean we don't try follow their example does it and try to be like them? they're our role models and we try to be like them.

and part of their example is offering their daughters in marriage so why look down upon something they did? As brother hamza mentioned your post is full of generalizations that don't apply to the mass of praticing Muslim men who pratice Islam according to the Qur'an and sunnah.

You carry on following your culture and desires sister and look down upon something your mother Khadija did,

I choose to follow the example of the prophet pbuh and the sahabba, and their example is to not look down upon such a pratice..

 

[Salahudeen]

hummm her opinion is islamic in many ways thats why in these times mothers don't encourage there daughters to go out looking for the guy they believe to be islamic just by watching them. lets face it some men are cunning creatures . they might dress like muslims that dose not mean to say they are muslim in there heart. all you really have to do is read the threads here where these bad eggs encourage our sisters to meet with them alone without there wali present. dangerous times we are living in. its all about protecting the woman and that is greatly apart of islam.

The issue is a women showing interest in a man through her wali, and whether or not it is something shameful or bad. She's saying it is however Islam says it isn't.

Who is she to disagree with 'ulama and put her own opinion forth when Allah and his messenger have spoken on the topic.

If a women has her wali present as she meets him then she can get to know him and assertain whether he's right for her not. And her wali can also help her to make the decision by getting to know the brother she is interested in.

here's the proof from Islam that there is nothing wrong with a women showing inerest in a man through her wali.

Ruling on a woman letting a man know that she wants to marry him
Islamically , Is it okay for a sister to let a brother (in islam) know that she cherishes him and she has the intention to get married to him? Is it considered to be bold approach?.

Praise be to Allaah.

There is nothing wrong with a woman letting a man know that in principle, however the woman should not propose herself, rather it is better if that is done via her wali (guardian) or someone else who can let the man know. This is indicated by the fact that ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr and ‘Uthmaan (may Allaah be pleased with them).

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/22897/can a woman propose to a man

Shaykh Dr. Khaalid al-Mushayqih

now do we put our own opinions before Allah and his messenger and the 'ulama?

115. And whoever contradicts and opposes the Messenger (Muhammad ) after the right path has been shown clearly to him, and follows other than the believers' way. We shall keep him in the path he has chosen, and burn him in Hell - what an evil destination.

the path of the believers in this issue is to not look down upon such a pratice and see it as something haraam/forbidden (bad). which path does she choose? her own culture and desires or the path of the believers?

we don't put our own opinion forth when Allah and his messenger have declared that there is nothing wrong with it,


The answer of the Believers, when summoned to Allah and His Messenger, in order that He may judge between them, is no other than this: they say, "We hear and we obey": it is such as these that will attain felicity

Allah, his messenger and the scholars say there's nothing wrong with it who are we to disagree? who are we to disagree and judge it according to our own intellect. her opinion is based on cultral preferences and not islamic sources, the opinion of the scholars is based upon islamic evidence which she clearly doesn't have in this matter.