Reasonable and Practical Mahr?

[nocturne]

those asian wedding dresses cost around £2000 alone...

Are you serious?? That is just crazy.

The cost for wedding have escalated, we are expected by society to waste money. and our Parents quite often fall into the pressure.

Inshallah, i hope to do a simple wedding but its going to be hard. Even if my parents agree, then i have to get my in-laws to agree and then possibly the bride (who might have had dreams of lavish wedding)

 

[crayon]

Yes, some women are stupidly demanding, but I've seen that the cost of the wedding itself is ridiculous (In the region of £35,000!!!!) so why put the extra strain on.
Seriously it's so sad to see the state of weddings now. Then it feels like there's some sort of pressure to live up to how much someone else has spent. Meh.
Insha'allah, am hoping mine'll be a simple one. Who knows.

I completely agree..
And something that really ticks me off- after spending all that money and making all those preparations, the bride doesn't even get to enjoy it properly!!
Personally, I hatee most arab weddings. The bride runs around like a mad woman all morning, getting ready. She arrives at like midnight, dances a little to lame haram music, sits on a chair by herself, takes loads of pictures and ends up having her face ache by the end of them. Half the people she doesn't know, since the acquaintance she invited ends up bringing her mom's friends cousin's neighbor, or something. She can't eat because everyone is just staring at her. She can't properly enjoy her own wedding, it sucks.
Ever since helping my cousin with her wedding last year, and seeing it all come together from start to finish, I have promised myself that I will never put myself through that. I mean, what's wrong with have a nice dinner party with close family and friends? Some nasheeds, nice conversation, good food. And that's it. Simple, fun, inexpensive, and at the end of it all, you're married. Why do people enjoy complicating everything?

 

[Snowflake]

In my first marriage my mahr (as recommended by imaam) was thirty two pounds and something pence. I had no idea I can ask for any amount. In my second marriage my husband was broke so I happily waived my rights to mahr. He still conned me out of thousands later so I gave him a very nice gift of not applying for his visa, leaving him in the country when he went back to visit his daughter, temporarily hooked back up with his ex wife (all with my money) and getting a divorce. *breathes sigh of relief*

Now, someone who's been in my position is probably going to suggest mahr from 1k min to 5k max (depending on his ability). Still, I said 'probably'. Ahh.. I'm too soft! :hmm:

 

[sevgi]

If I could, I would ask for nothing at all. But for formality's sake, I'd probably ask for a pretty piece of gold jewelery. That way, my husband can benefit from observing it's prettiness and the happiness it gives me. If I ever need it, I can get it exchanged for money...it won't lose it's value.

If I break it, he can buy me a new one.

*breaksonpurpose* oh:

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

In my first marriage my mahr (as recommended by imaam) was thirty two pounds and something pence. I had no idea I can ask for any amount. In my second marriage my husband was broke so I happily waived my rights to mahr. He still conned me out of thousands later so I gave him a very nice gift of not applying for his visa, leaving him in the country when he went back to visit his daughter, temporarily hooked back up with his ex wife (all with my money) and getting a divorce. *breathes sigh of relief*

Now, someone who's been in my position is probably going to suggest mahr from 1k min to 5k max (depending on his ability). Still, I said 'probably'. Ahh.. I'm too soft! :hmm:

thats some misfortune right there :uuh:.

may Allah protect us from two faced people, Ameen

 

[Snowflake]

ameen

but in hindsight, it was a blessing and alhumdulillah now im free of him : )

 

[Najm]

I've seen in the Bengali culture anyway, it's the parents that do the demanding. The sister probs too shy to say a thing. The parents don't get the money anyway, so I don't understand...
Anyways, in some weddings, it absolutely ridiculous, they announce the mahr of what the dudes giving the girl, something along the lines of £10,000. And if they've bought the gold for the bride, then they'll state that the cost's taken from the mahr.
Yes, some women are stupidly demanding, but I've seen that the cost of the wedding itself is ridiculous (In the region of £35,000!!!!) so why put the extra strain on.
Seriously it's so sad to see the state of weddings now. Then it feels like there's some sort of pressure to live up to how much someone else has spent. Meh.
Insha'allah, am hoping mine'll be a simple one. Who knows.

You seem scared. Usually, that cost is just incurred on the brides side, for the hire of hall, catering, decoration, limo etc. Allah knows what the dude pays, as they pay for wedding dress, walima dress, mehndi dress, limo, hall hire etc for walimah. I feel sorry for 'em.

I dunno, some halls cost £10,000 then you gotta think of insurance and security. All depends on location etc. Seriously, weddings have become too extravagent here and if someone chooses to have a simple one, they're regarded as cheap.
Some people are tooooo materialistic for their own good.

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Great Posts uhkti, im just going to expand you your posts. I dont know how much a normal wedding is suppose to cost though. Although from experience i would say 20-35K. Maybe someone can tell me.

From your post, i must say your soo right about the bengali culture, parents are too demanding, and sisters are not allowed to speak up. The extravagant weddings lead to downfall for the spouses from the start. It leads to many difficulties from the start of the marriage, unless the brothers side are loaded!

Marriage can be the most simplest thing ever, but the culture makes it almost impossible to get married nowadays. Furthermore Brother and Sisters are now going back "home" to get married, just to keep the expenses down and be saved from the hassle, as well as to have a "better choice" due to a "bigger pool" <<< even though the spouses are more likely to have completely different levels of understanding.

Materialism is sooo high at the momment, its all about flashy cars, huge halls, big wedding gates etc. The culture only allows it to be expensive "so couples can be blessed", even though Islam says the opposite. Also if the wedding is nice and simple, people say its simply cheap, and families rep is going down hill. Whats really strange is 70-80% of the people just come to have food, and then dissappear!!

I would understand if the brothers loaded and his being stingy, but if he hasnt got much, then he's still called stingy. Your just pressured, to pull out the money.

The families only think about what the "people" would think, what the "people" would say, if they had simple wedding etc. They never consider what the spouses want, its all about the "people"!!! The families dont want their "pride" to get hit.

Big Sidenote for the sisters. They dream of this day, her wedding day, to be so romantic and special. She wants to enjoy every moment, and remember it all her life. But what happens? From night onwards to cant sleep. She has to wake up early(if she sleeps) to put her wedding dress and hairstyle by pros etc. Takes about 4 hours. She gets rushed into doing everything. At her own wedding she cant chill and talk, just sit in one place like a doll, while everyone stares at her. She cant enjoy her own wedding, she cant even eat properly! After the wedding part is complete( which takes the whole), she goes to the spouses house for round two of sitting down like a doll. SubhaanAllah the stress that she goes through, at she own wedding.

Simply the sister is left really stressed and annoyed, and the brother left with an overdraft for the next decade. Welcome to married life imsad

Weddings in the bengali culture is a real problem, even though Islam provides protection against the fitah of adultery etc, by getting married, the culture just puts severe strain on something that is supposesed to be soo simple and beautiful. SubhaanAllah

Sorry for the long essay:-[ Maybe this post should be another thread :-[

Time to follow Islam, and leave everything else behind. Please feel free to correct me.:-[

FiAmaaniAllah

 

[Musaafirah]

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu



Big Sidenote for the sisters. They dream of this day, her wedding day, to be so romantic and special. She wants to enjoy every moment, and remember it all her life. But what happens? From night onwards to cant sleep. She has to wake up early(if she sleeps) to put her wedding dress and hairstyle by pros etc. Takes about 4 hours. She gets rushed into doing everything. At her own wedding she cant chill and talk, just sit in one place like a doll, while everyone stares at her. She cant enjoy her own wedding, she cant even eat properly! After the wedding part is complete( which takes the whole), she goes to the spouses house for round two of sitting down like a doll. SubhaanAllah the stress that she goes through, at she own wedding.

Simply the sister is left really stressed and annoyed, and the brother left with an overdraft for the next decade. Welcome to married life imsad

Weddings in the bengali culture is a real problem, even though Islam provides protection against the fitah of adultery etc, by getting married, the culture just puts severe strain on something that is supposesed to be soo simple and beautiful. SubhaanAllah

Sorry for the long essay:-[ Maybe this post should be another thread :-[

Time to follow Islam, and leave everything else behind. Please feel free to correct me.:-[

FiAmaaniAllah

You know yesterday, I went to my aunts wedding, and masha'allah she was smiling and talking and everything, I felt soooo happy for her, and the imam didn't go announcing the mahr to everyone present. She had a nice simple wedding (still bling, but not too much) and these other weddings i've been to, the brides have been all quiet, with everyone staring at 'em.
Raah. Sometimes, however, the parents are all for a simple wedding, but other relatives step in. (that emoticon seems too serious, but you get the gist..)
And yeah, sometimes however, the parents ruin the married life for their daughter and son-in-law, right from the beginning, interfering in everything.
I think we need to educate out elders. Seriously...
Oh yah, I don't think all sisters dream of a lavish wedding. Most likely they wish to have spouses that are pious and fear Allah in all that they do, and are nice, and maybe even a sense of humour. Who knows?
(Are we going off topic?...)

 

[Snowflake]

Ive just realised... in the pakistani culture the mahr is given to a woman only if her husband divorces her. That is why women ask for high amount of mahr as, 1) a way of preventing husband from divorcing her 2) if he does divorce her he has to pay out!

Has anyone else seen this happen?

 

[Banu_Hashim]

Ive just realised... in the pakistani culture the mahr is given to a woman only if her husband divorces her. That is why women ask for high amount of mahr as, 1) a way of preventing husband from divorcing her 2) if he does divorce her he has to pay out!

Has anyone else seen this happen?

;D The first point is quite funny. Haven't heard of this myself.

 

[Faseeha]

Oh yah, I don't think all sisters dream of a lavish wedding. Most likely they wish to have spouses that are pious and fear Allah in all that they do, and are nice, and maybe even a sense of humour. Who knows?
(Are we going off topic?...)

That's so very true.

There are still a lot of girls out there who aren't lost in materialism, and whose parents wouldn't want to inconvenience their future son-in-laws.

 

[syilla]

:salamext:

Mahr in Malaysia has been stated how much and its different for every state.

You should come and get marrried in M'sia its cost only RM100 the maximum. But in Perlis you can put any amount you want. Mahr we called it "Mas Kawen"

The only thing is that in Malay there is a culture of giving gifts we called in 'hantaran'. Which include clothes, rings, shoes, handbag... but the good thing is not just the guy has to give the girl...but the girl too has to give gifts to the guys.

And there are also gifts in a form of money...which we called in 'wang hantaran'. In culture this is compulsory...except in Kelantan there is no 'wang hantaran' only 'mas kawen'. This also depends on how much the family from the girl side requested.

But i shared 'wang hantaran' with my hubby ... :X oops it should be a secret.

However, some guys they really respect the girl that they are going to get married with and can afford it and that is why they don't mind paying alot.

So...it is really up to the individuals

 

[Amat Allah]

to me I don`t care ...I just want my other half to fear Allah and to respect me I don`t care about anything else ....I have him and thats enough for me ...

may Allah grant u all ur other half Ameeeeeeeeeeen

 

[The Palestinian]

It depends on both of them. The mahr is shouldnt be the "price" of the girl like in some countries, her behavious,mind,...etc
Money comes ang goes, so it's useless to have alot while your life is hell. Logic is needed here as always, don't make marriage so difficult for men. Alot of girls is not married, we should make getting married easy for them to build our communities and save our youth.

 

[Amat Allah]

It depends on both of them. The mahr is shouldnt be the "price" of the girl like in some countries, her behavious,mind,...etc
Money comes ang goes, so it's useless to have alot while your life is hell. Logic is needed here as always, don't make marriage so difficult for men. Alot of girls is not married, we should make getting married easy for them to build our communities and save our youth.

soo true :thumbs_up

 

[Banu_Hashim]

It depends on both of them. The mahr is shouldnt be the "price" of the girl like in some countries, her behavious,mind,...etc
Money comes ang goes, so it's useless to have alot while your life is hell. Logic is needed here as always, don't make marriage so difficult for men. Alot of girls is not married, we should make getting married easy for them to build our communities and save our youth.

Quoted for the truth.

 

[islamlover_girl]

I think the most important thing is his religon and manneres.

Even if he can`t pay mahr like that of the girls in my country and level.

money comes and goes and the real wealth is a good muslim husband.

 

[Revert to Peace]

Assalamu alaikum wr wb

Such a great thread... and as a marriage proposal is in the offing, insha'Allah. I started to think about this.

So, here's my input:-

As I would be expected to leave UK and live in Dubai, insha'Allah...

regular plane tickets to come back to visit my father
to have my belongings shipped out to me (including furniture!)
to practice our deen together
to be taught spoken arabic - no english if possible!
2 cats

Insha'Allah the above is not unreasonable.

Please make du'a for me that the marriage will happen...

JazakAllah wa fi aman Allah

Assalamu alaikum

 

[Banu_Hashim]

^InshAllah.

 

[Muhajabah]

Salaam aleikum

Did not read the whole thread, but what about Hajj for a mahr?