Relationships

[SweetCherryPie]

I've been reading around and I'm curious on certain issues. One of it is relationships.

What's your definition of a relationship?

Is it wrong to be in a relationship prior to a marriage?

Are women and men not allowed to talk to one another?

I'm quite confused (for the lack of a better word) reading around here on this subject.

 

[syilla]

http://www.islamicboard.com/manners...tween-men-women-internet-some-guidelines.html

you can read mostly in here... . But lets try not to fitnah one another InshaAllah

 

[SweetCherryPie]

http://www.islamicboard.com/manners...tween-men-women-internet-some-guidelines.html

you can read mostly in here... . But lets try not to fitnah one another InshaAllah

I'm sorry ... what do you mean by fitnah?

 

[SweetCherryPie]

If it's not too much trouble, I would like opinions from you ... from what YOU understand ...

I'm sure no one here is perfect and I am sure some have been in situations where it was not ideal for a Muslim to be in ...

I would like to understand situations/perspectives from those who have experienced in sitch where they were not friends with the opposite sex and ended up marrying one another ... then how did they work on the relationship without getting to know one another, without knowing if they are compatible?

As far as I know, it's important to know if you're compatible with the opposite sex before getting married or am I wrong?

 

[syilla]

I'm sorry ... what do you mean by fitnah?

Fitnah in the meaning that... assume others minggling with the opposites sex.

If it's not too much trouble, I would like opinions from you ... from what YOU understand ...

I'm sure no one here is perfect and I am sure some have been in situations where it was not ideal for a Muslim to be in ...

I would like to understand situations/perspectives from those who have experienced in sitch where they were not friends with the opposite sex and ended up marrying one another ... then how did they work on the relationship without getting to know one another, without knowing if they are compatible?

As far as I know, it's important to know if you're compatible with the opposite sex before getting married or am I wrong?

From my understanding, before they both wanted to get married, islamically they have to know each other whether by asking the families, friends and the wali. Of course to learn whether they are compatible with each other. But there are certain aspects that have been mentioned in Islam what that needs to be focus for example beauty, religion and etc.

IMHO, the key is not being compatible... but focusing towards doing ibadaah for Allah swt, trying their best for the sake of Allah swt. If both love Allah and islam much InshaAllah theres not much to worry...whatever it is the end of it is up to Allah swt to decide thats what Tawakallallah (Put trust in Allah swt) is all about. For me is important for both of them to always have the right intentions and always trying to improve themselves towards a being a better muslim.

For me... love is ain't enough, since theres lot of youngsters out there...after lots of hardship and struggle...their love diminish. However, if both focus towards being a better muslim in the eye of Allah swt...InshaAllah whatever obstacles they will struggle hard to survive

 

[abu_musab461]

Is love that ends in marriage haraam?.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: The relationship that develops between a man and a non-mahram woman, which people call “love” is a combination of haraam things that transgress shar’i and moral limits.

No wise person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her, kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes desire.

This relationship may lead to things that are more serious than that, as is happening nowadays.

We have mentioned a number of these haraam things in the answer to question no. 84089.

Secondly:

Studies have shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam relationships, which people call “traditional marriages”, succeed.

In a field study done by a French sociologist, the conclusion was:

Marriage is more likely to succeed when the two parties did not fall in love before marriage.

In another study of 1500 families, undertaken by Professor Isma’eel ‘Abd al-Baari, the conclusion was that more than 75% of love marriages ended in divorce, whilst the rate among traditional marriages – those which were not based on prior love – was less than 5%.

We can mention the most important causes of this outcome:

1- Emotion blinds one to seeing faults and dealing with them, as it is said: “Love is blind”. One or both parties may have faults that make them unsuitable for the other, but those faults only become apparent after marriage.

2- The lovers may think that life is an unending journey of love, so we see that they only speak of love and dreams, etc. They never speak about the problems of life and how to deal with them. This notion is destroyed after marriage, when they are confronted with the problems and responsibilities of life.

3- The lovers are not used to debate and discussion, rather they are used to sacrifice and compromise in order to please the other party. Often they have arguments because each party wants to compromise and please the other. Then the opposite happens after marriage, and their arguments lead to a problem, as each one is used to the other agreeing with him or her, without any argument.

4- The image that each lover has of the other is not a true image, because each party is being kind and gentle and trying to please the other. This is the image that each is trying to present to the other during the so-called “love” phase, but no one can carry on doing that throughout his or her life, so the true image appears after marriage, and leads to problems.

5- The period of love is usually based on dreams and exaggerations that do not correspond with the reality that appears after marriage. The lover may think that he is going to bring her a piece of the moon, and he will never be happy unless she is the happiest person in the world, and so on.

But in return, she is going to live with him in one room and on the ground, and she has no requests or demands so long as she has won him, and that is sufficient for her. As one of them said, “A small nest is sufficient for us” and “A small morsel is sufficient for us” and “I will be content if you give me a piece of cheese and an olive”! This is exaggerated emotional talk, and both parties quickly forget it after marriage, and the woman complains about her husband’s miserliness, and his failure to meet her needs. Then the husband begins to complain about having too many demands and too many expenses.

For these reasons and others, we are not surprised when each party says after marriage that they were deceived and that they rushed into it. The man regrets not marrying So and so who was suggested to him by his parents, and the woman regrets not marrying So and so whom her parents approved of, but in fact they rejected him because of her wishes. So the result is this very high rate of divorce for marriages which people thought would be examples of the happiest marriages in the world!

Thirdly:

The reasons mentioned above are real, and have happened in real life, but we should not ignore the real reason for the failure of these marriages, which are based on disobedience to Allaah. Islam can never approve of these sinful relationships, even if the aim is marriage. Therefore they cannot escape the just divine punishment, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur’aan nor acts on its teachings) verily, for him is a life of hardship”

[Ta-Ha 20:124]

A hard and difficult life is the result of disobeying Allaah and turning away from His Revelation.

And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And if the people of the towns had believed and had the Taqwa (piety), certainly, We should have opened for them blessings from the heaven and the earth”

[al-A’raaf 7:96]

Blessings from Allaah are a reward for faith and piety, but if there is no faith or piety, or only a little thereof, the blessing will be reduced or even non-existent.

And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Whoever works righteousness — whether male or female — while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”

[al-Nahl 16:97]

A good life is the fruit of faith and righteous deeds.

Allaah indeed spoke the truth when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

“Is it then he who laid the foundation of his building on piety to Allaah and His Good Pleasure better, or he who laid the foundation of his building on the brink of an undetermined precipice ready to crumble down, so that it crumbled to pieces with him into the fire of Hell. And Allaah guides not the people who are the Zaalimoon (wrongdoers)”

[al-Tawbah 9:109]

The one whose marriage is based on this haraam foundation must hasten to repent and seek forgiveness and seek a righteous life that is based on faith, piety and righteous deeds.

Please also see the answer to question no. 23420 for more information.

May Allaah help us all to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/84102

 

[Darth Ultor]

What if those words of love and admiration are sincere? If I meet a woman I am interested in, I would like to get to know her and fall in love with her before getting into a marriage.

 

[SweetCherryPie]

Studies have shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam relationships, which people call “traditional marriages”, succeed.

I disagree. I see a lot of marriages that had couples fall in love before marriage and succeeded until death do them part or so to speak.

One of it is my parents' marriage. My father courted her and family approved. Lo and behold, they had 4 children and were very much in love until my mother passed away.

Same thing goes for my grand-uncle and a few other relatives, not to mention my friends' parents and so on.

So that does not hold truth. It would have worked if it was worded 'some'. 'Most' is a wee bit much.

How about Khadijah and Prophet Muhammad? Didn't she fall in love with him before they got married?

Aren't we allowed to fall in love BUT no sex prior to marriage?

 

[SweetCherryPie]

What if those words of love and admiration are sincere? If I meet a woman I am interested in, I would like to get to know her and fall in love with her before getting into a marriage.

Apparently, that is not allowed. Not in Islam.

I'm wondering the same thing. What if there is absolutely no touching what-so-ever and yet, they fall in love with one another? I mean for sure, you can't touch one another if you got to know one another via internet?

 

[cat eyes]

i also don't believe on those studies brother i don't know where you found that.

if it was revealed by the prophet mohammad (saw) through hadiths or holy Qur'an then i would believe it because it is actually contradicting the words of the prophet (saw) when he said that the best thing for love is marriage. this means that people do fall in love before marriage and marry because they prophet (SAW) said so.

Always be careful where your getting your information from because the prophet (saw) never said anything of the sort

 

[SweetCherryPie]

i also don't believe on those studies brother i don't know where you found that.

if it was revealed by the prophet mohammad (saw) through hadiths or holy Qur'an then i would believe it because it is actually contradicting the words of the prophet (saw) when he said that the best thing for love is marriage. this means that people do fall in love before marriage and marry because they prophet (SAW) said so.

Always be careful where your getting your information from because the prophet (saw) never said anything of the sort

Thank you, cat eyes. I was told the same by my friends hence my confusion with reading some of the threads here.

 

[Asiyah3]

I've been reading around and I'm curious on certain issues. One of it is relationships.

What's your definition of a relationship?

I'll assume that you're asking about relationships between the opposite sexes. Relationship= An affair <---that contains that which transgresses the limit.

Is it wrong to be in a relationship prior to a marriage?

Yes if they transgress the limit.

Are women and men not allowed to talk to one another?

Their discussion should be appropriate.

“O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allaah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”

[al-Ahzaab 33:32]

I'm quite confused (for the lack of a better word) reading around here on this subject.

Feel free to ask anything that troubles your mind

 

[syilla]

:salamext:

I don't think it is wrong to be in love before marriage but the problem i guess is to make sure it is 100% halal. And to be in love for too long before marriage can also lead to lots of problem like wasting time, energy and money, heart broken and sometimes lead to depression, fighting the first years of marriage since you already know the good quality/character of the other half prior to the marriage lol.

I guess it is up to the individuals how they manage their 'love' life...lol. They are in love but not so obsessed too much with the 'love'. But for those who are easily affected emotionally...it'll be too hard not to be obsessed much with the 'love'. Because 'love' is blind

 

[SweetCherryPie]

So it isn't wrong to be in love as long as it is within reasons?

Then why do some on here act as if it is such a sin? Is it because they are self-righteous people? It's a bit sad to see some newbies to come here and tell their stories only to have people tell them it's a sin, they should go back to the right path and it's haram etc.

I have issues that I've been wanting to pour out but reading some of the responses here have me think several times about letting them out!

 

[hanif_]

So it isn't wrong to be in love as long as it is within reasons?

Then why do some on here act as if it is such a sin? Is it because they are self-righteous people? It's a bit sad to see some newbies to come here and tell their stories only to have people tell them it's a sin, they should go back to the right path and it's haram etc.

I have issues that I've been wanting to pour out but reading some of the responses here have me think several times about letting them out!

First you have to acknowledge this forum is an medium which promotes understanding Islam. The advice one receives will (Insha Allah) be based upon Quran and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS).

The expectation of receiving a response that is congenial to behavior against the spirit of Islam is unreasonable. Based upon my observance of the advice provided in this forum you will receive 90% compassion and understanding when advice is offered.

[FONT=Verdana,Arial]3:159 (Y. Ali) It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them Were thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). [/FONT]

It is easier for someone to be more critical of someone they don't know and especially when the interaction isn't personal. Always accept the advice that applies and that which doesn't store it for when it does if based on Islam and not opinion.

There is no one in this forum that is any better than anyone in reality. The best among us are the most righteous. The most righteous are never condescending or self-righteous.

[FONT=Verdana,Arial]2:177 (Y. Ali) It is not righteousness that ye turn your faces Towards east or West; but it is righteousness- to believe in Allah and the Last Day, and the Angels, and the Book, and the Messengers; to spend of your substance, out of love for Him, for your kin, for orphans, for the needy, for the wayfarer, for those who ask, and for the ransom of slaves; to be steadfast in prayer, and practice regular charity; to fulfill the contracts which ye have made; and to be firm and patient, in pain (or suffering) and adversity, and throughout all periods of panic. Such are the people of truth, the Allah.fearing.

I had a question for those providing love advice. When a Muslim loves a person you are not married or wasn't a relative that you knew before getting married how were you able to interact and fall in love?
[/FONT]

 

[SweetCherryPie]

Is everyone really into marrying your own relatives?

Which part of the world still practises this?

 

[SMA89]

Is everyone really into marrying your own relatives?

Which part of the world still practises this?

I think only Pakistan still does this and I heard that it reduces gene pool or something.

 

[SMA89]

Children of non-related couples have a 2-3% risk of birth defects, as opposed to first cousins having a 4-6% risk. Genetic counseling is available for those couples that may be at a special risk for birth defects (e.g. You have a defect that runs in your family) In plain terms first cousins have at a 94 percent + chance of having healthy children. Check the links section for more information on genetic counselors. The National Society of Genetic Counselors estimated the increased risk for first cousins is between 1.7 to 2.8 percent, or about the same a any woman over 40 years of age.

 

[hanif_]

Is everyone really into marrying your own relatives? Which part of the world still practises this?

During the infancy of Islam because of the small numbers of Muslims the need was self-explanatory. The continued practice is not haram so Muslims continue to practice it. I have not done or seen a study on the geographical locations that continue to practice intermarrying relatives so it will be only speculation of what region is the majority.

Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum of Dubai married his cousin that is Princess Haya bint Al Hussein, daughter of King Hussein of Jordan and half-sister of current King Abdullah II of Jordan, whom he married on April 10, 2004, and has one child, a daughter, AlJalila, born December 2, 2007.Sheikh Mohammed has 19 children: eight sons and eleven daughters.

 

[Asiyah3]

So it isn't wrong to be in love as long as it is within reasons?

Then why do some on here act as if it is such a sin? Is it because they are self-righteous people? It's a bit sad to see some newbies to come here and tell their stories only to have people tell them it's a sin, they should go back to the right path and it's haram etc.

I have issues that I've been wanting to pour out but reading some of the responses here have me think several times about letting them out!

If that does not result from carelessness or transgression on his part, then there is no sin on him for what befalls him. A person cannot be blamed for love that he does not cause, such as if he sees a girl by accident and his heart is filled with love for her, but he does not do anything haraam such as looking repeatedly or shaking hands or being alone with her, or exchanging emotional words with her. As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.

The relationship that develops between a man and a non-mahram woman, which people call “love” is a combination of haraam things that transgress shar’i and moral limits.

No wise person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her, kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes desire.