Rethinking Sex Education...Should parents teach this

[trueteach]

I believe like all other knowledge, it has to come in layers. We don't just teach our children about reproduction and human anatomy one time. My child started asking questions at about 8 years of age and that about the time the "first crush" came. All other body changes I saw were indicative that puberty was on its way and the bigger subjects had to be approached, but gently.

Parents need to be aware and learn to have regular conversations with their kids from the start, not just shout when they do something wrong yet the parent never taught them anything....

A child actually does have to know about sex, how it works, what it is for and all the stuff that makes many of us uncomfortable to talk about. The issue is that many adults have a very unhealthy view about sex to begin with, for example, that it is somehow dirty. If they feel this way about it, the chances of them passing on anything other than "No zina, haraam!" is slim to none.

What we should achieve as parents is clarity with our children and we should eliminate the curiosity that drives so many to zina and pronography.

I consider myself to be quite liberal in my thinking and I'm open to any subject really as long as there is an educational purpose and not for idle talk of course. However, even for me, the sex talk was just too much. I couldn't even bring up simple puberty, let alone intercourse and body parts and all that. I found it quite surprising to be honest, I didn't expect to be this way, but when its your own kid.... it isn't easy.

What I did was get a book that I approved of which was age appropriate and allowed the book to guide us and welcomed any questions to come from it. It didn't cover puberty as much as it did reproduction, pregnancy, birth and all that, but after getting over that initial hurdle, I was able to cover body changes and grooming on my own lol. :shade:

My child knows more than I did at that age and that is actually empowering and wonderful to see. Alhamdullilah, there is no more curiosity, not a single question has been asked for well over 2 years now and the human body and its functions are just a matter of fact. No hush hush, no feelings of shame and insha'Allah no curiosity driven desires in the future. I hope that by being open and honest from the start, my children will come to me when sexual urgencies and desires happen (because they happen to everyone) and I can once again, cover the subject in a more profound manner. Knowledge always comes in layers.

I wish my parents were more active in teaching me. Alhamdullilah my sex education experience wasn't horrific. They just spoke about female reproduction and pregnancy. Nothing else. It clearly wasn't enough though.

My point is, yes, parents need to take the lead and not rely on institutions to teach their kids. I like the idea of assigning a trusted person for the parents who just simply can't bring themselves to tackle the subjects. I would probably volunteer for that position when I'm older, insha'Allah. Kids deserve to have questions answered without having to resort to questionable sources.

What you've done for your child is absolutely wonderful. I would like to know what resource you used. Also, do you feel that if some well informed adult taught you how to teach your child...i.e. at this stage teach this, etc, you would feel more comfortable approaching your child compared with using a book as your reference?

 

[trueteach]

Yeah, first of all, the kind of "sex education" that is at school is utterly disgusting and makes me wanna throw up - no benefits in it whatsoever.

The negative consequences could be that young prematurely learn about it. young 5-7-8 year olds would then try to "test" what he/she saw in the sex education with the opposite gender - that we don't want.

We should teach them from the perspective of Islam and with Islamic morale. I'd never allow my children to enter a sex-education program, ever. Nor should children be taught what is not relevant.

Say when 5-10 years old, just say "don't mingle with the opposite sex" - and be firm on that - don't speak about anything else, and when he/she comes of understanding, you explain when appropriate and when there is a need to - with hayaah.

Besides, there is NO need to explain "sex", how did our forefathers get offspring?

We should not try to imitate how the west does it - rather we should do it from the Islamic perspective.

Allahu alam.

I agree that we need to teach sex ed from an Islamic perspective as opposed to how the west is teaching it, however , it still needs to address the issues we face in the west that are unique to this era.
How confident would you feel teaching your children sex ed if someone gave you the right tools?

 

[trueteach]

Good idea but it needs deeper explanation. Zina is not just sex before marriage...even before it gets to that stage, you got to tackle the zina of eyes and mind so its not as simple as saying "No Zina, no zina", you have to teach about lowering gaze, guarding modesty...the imprtance and reasons behind these practices etc.

Me and my brothers never got "sex education" at home but our mother always said to me "don't talk to boys, its haram" like every day since I started going to mixed school (I went to girls school before) and my brothers got told not to speak to girls and we actually believed that it was haram to talk to opposite gender for few wks then we realised it was impossible to avoid talking to them to do school work and it wasn't haram to talk, it was only haram to flirt/become friends or boy/girlfriends. My mother was crazy but looking back it was a good thing to scare us off opposite gender interactions at a young age.

Sex education at school was not very good in my opinion...it was awful...lots of pictures of STIs and how to put condom on...I remember the innocent boys/girls found it traumatising experience! But it was alright for the mature teenagers who already knew about it all...in my opinion there should have been seperate classes tailered differently based on level of innocence and maturity. It was rediculous and not done in sensitive/smart way.

What would you have preferred in your sex ed as opposed to what you were taught at school?
I kinda want you to think from an Islamic perspective that...
...at age 11, I would like to have been taught x.
...at age 13, y would be good.
What topics do you feel would be appropriate to teach muslims youth in the context of Islamic sex ed?

 

[trueteach]

I think if that is the case - there needs to be a kind of segregation - men talk to men, women to women.

i think sex is natural, so everyone instinctively knows what it is - no need to teach. But about masturbation and its ills, etc. Ok, and other NECESSARY stuff (as to avoid harm)

There is no shyness in gaining knowledge for one's benefit (in deen and dunyah) even if it is about sex, correct? Say, asking a fatwa about sex. AFAIK. (As long as it doesn't go against Islam)

BTW, this is VERY important, would YOU rather have your child ask YOU About sex, or rather have the child go to a stranger you don't know?? I'd rather teach my children about it than have others teach them, imo.

When such matters come up, we can't be mad, rather we should answer and be understanding. But, we should not teach our children about sex. Isn't it better to stay ignorant of the details???

Like, teaching them may lead to negative consequences.

Allahu alam.

The age where reprimanding our children for mentioning sex is long gone. That happened when sex happened behind closed doors. Nowadays almost a quarter of all websites are sex related (according to some stats).
How would you approach the topic of sex or reproduction with your child? And at what age?

 

[Umm♥Layth]

What you've done for your child is absolutely wonderful. I would like to know what resource you used. Also, do you feel that if some well informed adult taught you how to teach your child...i.e. at this stage teach this, etc, you would feel more comfortable approaching your child compared with using a book as your reference?

I used a book called "It's NOT the stork", however, some Muslims may not know how to use this book as it does mention in one place that a family could be made up of two mommies or two daddies :heated: so I just skipped over that section. I did not find another resource that I liked which covered all the subjects I wanted covered.

I don't think that I have ever needed somebody to guide me step by step, although gathering courage was a bit difficult and that's where I could have used support. Until today, I have just discussed things in an age appropriate manner, but I do think other parents would appreciate some guidance, especially if they are uncomfortable with talking about sexuality and reproduction in general. I have clients who shy away as soon as I ask anything about period or intercourse....so I know there's still many adults, even in my own generation that are just icked out and it comes from culture.

When such matters come up, we can't be mad, rather we should answer and be understanding. But, we should not teach our children about sex. Isn't it better to stay ignorant of the details???

I disagree. I think questions should be answered as the child needs them answered. I don't believe a child should be sat down all of a sudden and given a sex 101 class, that's too much. Each child develops differently.

I remember my parents NEVER spoke a single word to me about the subject and in 3rd grade I was learning from other kids and the dictionary.I still remember the first time I heard the word sex. It made a huge impact on me. Keeping a child in ignorance is much more dangerous than empowering them with knowledge. It is the people who are deprived of knowledge and told NOT to do something or they earn the wrath of Allah without explanation that end up making big mistakes, in my opinion.

Parents need to be educated on how to educate their kids it seems like. There is balance to sex education. I would hate to marry my children off without teaching them the basics of intercourse, the opposite gender's anatomy, natural family planning and all that. It must be covered by parents, which means parents have to buckle down and educate themselves lol.

 

[fromelsewhere]

To answer the OP's question, if kids do not learn about sex from their parents, they will learn about it elsewhere - usually from their peers who may not necessarily have their best interest in mind and who may themselves be confused on many issues. Teaching about sex in layers, as another poster suggested, is a great way to teach about it. Sex education at school may be helpful (it may complement what parents teach), but I find that many teachers do a fairly poor job on the topic, and they don't always take the maturity level of the children into consideration. For the truly important subjects that kids ought to know about, parents shouldn't overly rely on teachers. Parents got to be parents at the end of the day and instill in their kids the values they want them to have and the proper knowledge on certain more sensitive/mature topics.

 

[trueteach]

Do you think parents need guidance on how to teach the subject to their children?
Aside from info on what I would call necessary sex ed (i.e. like reproductive organs, where babies come from, etc) I am thinking about info to deal with more modern phenomenon like internet security, dealing with homosexuals/transgenders, pornography. Do you think parents should be equipped with how to teach these things to their children (at appropriate ages)?

 

[trueteach]

I have clients who shy away as soon as I ask anything about period or intercourse....so I know there's still many adults, even in my own generation that are just icked out and it comes from culture.

What do you train your clients in?

 

[trueteach]

To answer the OP's question, if kids do not learn about sex from their parents, they will learn about it elsewhere - usually from their peers who may not necessarily have their best interest in mind and who may themselves be confused on many issues. Teaching about sex in layers, as another poster suggested, is a great way to teach about it. Sex education at school may be helpful (it may complement what parents teach), but I find that many teachers do a fairly poor job on the topic, and they don't always take the maturity level of the children into consideration. For the truly important subjects that kids ought to know about, parents shouldn't overly rely on teachers. Parents got to be parents at the end of the day and instill in their kids the values they want them to have and the proper knowledge on certain more sensitive/mature topics.

The issue I have with schools teaching sex ed is that it is religiously insensitive. I am in favour of empowering parents to teach their children sex ed because they will have heard it first from someone they trust. Also they will have been taught one perspective about sex with which to challenge future perspectives that do not complement their understanding.

 

[Umm♥Layth]

What do you train your clients in?

My clients usually come to me for help with weight management, however, I'm a holistic practitioner so I cover all three areas (psychological, spiritual and physical) and I do have to go into great detail about menstrual cycles, pregnancy, intercourse, relationships, abuse, parenting and just... treat a person as a whole. Whatever needs to be addressed will be addressed. :statisfie

 

[Umm♥Layth]

Do you think parents need guidance on how to teach the subject to their children?
Aside from info on what I would call necessary sex ed (i.e. like reproductive organs, where babies come from, etc) I am thinking about info to deal with more modern phenomenon like internet security, dealing with homosexuals/transgenders, pornography. Do you think parents should be equipped with how to teach these things to their children (at appropriate ages)?

Yes, absolutely. Most parents give their little babies and children free reign with electronics. 5 year old go through entire youtube lists without parents being aware as if nothing bad could happen. Parents not only need to understand the dangers, but also be able to educate their children. Parents definitely need guidance on how to keep their children protected from online predators and running into pornography.

 

[fromelsewhere]

The issue I have with schools teaching sex ed is that it is religiously insensitive. I am in favour of empowering parents to teach their children sex ed because they will have heard it first from someone they trust. Also they will have been taught one perspective about sex with which to challenge future perspectives that do not complement their understanding.

One argument in defense of schools teaching sex ed is that some parents might do a poor job of teaching sex ed to their kids and might skip over important sections either due to lack of education or due to lack of a good approach for talking about certain topics. Having the right resources is important, but you will always have some ultra-conservative parents who will teach barely nothing. Personally, I think that by puberty, kids can discuss some general topics relating to sex such as saying "no" and abstinence, contraception, how STDs are transmitted, pregnancy, periods (for girls, and guys should understand how that works as well), and a few other such things that are just part of general knowledge and are not particularly controversial. Ideally, parents should have taught a lot about sex ed to their kids before they have had the sex ed class so that things don't come as a shock.

I do grant you that schools generally do a poor job, however.

 

[Sakina'141]

What would you have preferred in your sex ed as opposed to what you were taught at school?
I kinda want you to think from an Islamic perspective that...
...at age 11, I would like to have been taught x.
...at age 13, y would be good.
What topics do you feel would be appropriate to teach muslims youth in the context of Islamic sex ed?

Well, Aim of sex education at school is to teach about SAFE Sex to teenagers to a) Prevent Teenage Pregnancies and b) prevent STI's. That was the WHOLE point of sex education at school...assume everyone is having sex openly or secretly and to teach us all how to use condoms so we don't get pregnant while playing around and remind us clearly that sex = risk of catching STIs (showed a lot of nasty images of STIs to Scare everyone).

I think that is very appropraite education for all the schools in West where teenagers are doing sexual activities before marriage...there are muslim girls and boys who are doing it behind their parents backs in the west so it is appropriate for them to be taught about safe sex, risk of pregnancy and catching STis as well. But not every teenager in West are sexually active or want to be at that age and I just think its traumatising experience for innocent teenagers...it was very insensitive and not tailered for the innocent souls and just so inappropraite for some.

What I would have preferred was explanation of what puberty at aged 10-11 years old - periods and not allowed to pray/fast etc.

At age 13, mature enough to know what exactly sex is; male and female reproductive system and how babies are made then from Islamic point of view to explain that it happens after marriage to get pregnant and to have children.
I think 13 is too young to explain about zina unless they are going to mixed school then explain about boy-girl friend relationships being haram...explain about vain desires, opposite gender friendships and how it can lead to haram. Teach them about the importance of lowering their gaze and guarding their modesty at Puberty when they are all hormonal.

At age 16-17...talk further about vain desires and avoiding oppoiste gender interactions without necessity and aviding zina. Teach them about respecting themselves and their bodies, self control and to be supportive/optamistic about finding a good girl/boy for them to marry once they feel mature/ready. Make sure they know that you are approchable/open to discussions about marriage...to girls or boys they are interested in whilst at school/university - say you are open and will consider whoever and help pursue in halal way...explain to them about halal way of pursuing a life partner and haram way of doing things....the reasons why it is haram.

Do you think parents need guidance on how to teach the subject to their children?
Aside from info on what I would call necessary sex ed (i.e. like reproductive organs, where babies come from, etc) I am thinking about info to deal with more modern phenomenon like internet security, dealing with homosexuals/transgenders, pornography. Do you think parents should be equipped with how to teach these things to their children (at appropriate ages)?

Yes of course, parents will need guidance. Its like the most awkward topic to talk about to their children...hence why our parents never did talk about it with us except telling us not to ever talk to boys or keep repeating "no zina" as someone said earlier.

Yes, I say you need parental control in everything..TV, computers, laptops, phones and tablets...everything needs parental control until they become 15-16yr probably... I don't know its very difficult to keep all the sexualised material away but I think if you have a islamic household with islamic tv channals, innocent childrens tv programmes/world news/sports & documentary channels and you also pray together and read Quran together on daily basis and you focus on playing sports and going to the mosque for madrasa on weekly basis then may be children will not end up being interested in haram romantic relationships, pornography, romance films, gossip shows and fashion dramas.

May Allah make us righteous parents and grant us good righteous children who Allah will be pleased with, Ameen.

 

[Sakina'141]

I think its important to choose a good spouse who likes to pray, read Quran an go to the mosque as often as they can. Then the children are less likely to go astray athough it can still happen if you don't keep a close eye on your children and become not very interested in your children.

 

[Serinity]

I agree that we need to teach sex ed from an Islamic perspective as opposed to how the west is teaching it, however , it still needs to address the issues we face in the west that are unique to this era.
How confident would you feel teaching your children sex ed if someone gave you the right tools?

Sex education is very very embarassing. What is the Islamic Stance? I just find it ... embarassing. But I'd start with saying "don't mingle" and if they ask why... Hmm.................. I am just bad at teaching lol.

I hate the western way of teaching. It hurts one's innocence. I could NEVER watch a video on sex with the opposite gender, let alone, alone! Just too inappropriate and disgusting!

I don't think I will marry any time soon tho.

 

[trueteach]

Sex education is very very embarassing. What is the Islamic Stance? I just find it ... embarassing. But I'd start with saying "don't mingle" and if they ask why... Hmm.................. I am just bad at teaching lol.

I hate the western way of teaching. It hurts one's innocence. I could NEVER watch a video on sex with the opposite gender, let alone, alone! Just too inappropriate and disgusting!

I don't think I will marry any time soon tho.

May Allah have mercy on you. Your innocence is commendable.

However, let me expand.
Let's go with the argument that there is no islamic stance on sex ed. Stats show that Muslim countries are amongst the worst when it comes to consumption of online pornography. So of we continue on the course that we are on, we are gonna have a social calamity befall us (that's if it hasn't already arrived).
So it's the Muslim's duty to come up with a solution to restore modesty back to society as best as he/she can.
In this case, innocence isn't bliss. Being informed of vice so you can safeguard yourself against them is necessary.

Thus I advocate the responsibility of teaching your own children about sex ed. Given instructions/guidance you would be more than capable of teaching your offspring.

Lastly, I do dua Allah grants you a suitable spouse (when you're ready [emoji3] ).

 

[trueteach]

I think its important to choose a good spouse who likes to pray, read Quran an go to the mosque as often as they can. Then the children are less likely to go astray athough it can still happen if you don't keep a close eye on your children and become not very interested in your children.

You could also be very caring parents but are unaware of what your child could be exposed to at school or any social gathering. Don't forget, filth is available at our fingertips via our mobiles. So as much being good parents count, actually teaching your children what is good and bad will better prepare them for awkward encounters. What do you think?

 

[Silas]

When I was a kid, sex education consisted largely of the biology of procreation, along with some information about STDs. I don't think there is any issue there.

These days, schools have politicized sex education to include discussions about homosexuality, "transgenderism", deviant sexual practices, etc. It is an effort to normalize behaviors that are out-of-the-mainstream.

 

[Serinity]

When I was a kid, sex education consisted largely of the biology of procreation, along with some information about STDs. I don't think there is any issue there.

These days, schools have politicized sex education to include discussions about homosexuality, "transgenderism", deviant sexual practices, etc. It is an effort to normalize behaviors that are out-of-the-mainstream.

I'd NEVER let my children enter a sex education that:

A. Has pornographic videos of any shape or form, or teaches any kind of sex that instill lustful desires, or incite indecency, on any levels.
B. Talks about homosexuality, transgenderism, etc. In any shape or form.

It is just outright disgusting.

 

[Umm♥Layth]

I'd NEVER let my children enter a sex education that:

A. Has pornographic videos of any shape or form, or teaches any kind of sex that instill lustful desires, or incite indecency, on any levels.
B. Talks about homosexuality, transgenderism, etc. In any shape or form.

It is just outright disgusting.

It's easy to say what you will and will not allow for your children when you have none and it is clear you find the subject of sex uncomfortable, however, you need to focus on solutions. The main message of this thread is, your children WILL be exposed, you simply cannot keep them in a bubble and even if you move to Muslim countries, it is much worse.

I've heard of young girls in Muslim schools discussing virginity and what sexual acts can be done and still remain a virgin (vaginally). IT HAPPENS. So parents have got to take responsibility. If you ever plan to have a family, it is wise you begin to lighten up, educate yourself and come to terms with what it takes to be a decent parent