SAYING NO to marriage

[Ninth_Scribe]

Why are you not trying to be more diplomatic in your actions. Don't tell to everyone you don't want to marry, just say you didn't find x and y suitable to be your husband. When you will find the right man you will get marry, no matter when will happen that-in your 30, 40 or 70.What an advice i just gave .:rollseyes

I agree. I never was hot on marriage, partly because when I was 17, the one I chose to marry died, before we could get married. So, I said Never Again! When I was 45, at a time in life when I least expected it, I fell into a distance love and wanted to marry, but he died on me too... so I'm right back where I started!

The difference? Never say never because you just never know kay:

Ninth Scribe

 

[Hijaabi22]

i dont understand- HOW CAN U NOT WANT 2 GET MARRIED

 

[~Stranger~]

I don't know why she doesn't want to get married? it is her business. I think people need to backoff. .

totally agree. if i knew u id rep u

 

[rania2820]

to be honest sis your plan isn't realistic.you say want to have a house and live by youself.everyone needs someone in their life.many women and men have stayed alone throughout their youth but when they reached about 40 or so they start to regret not getting married and having a family.because they are all alone now.you may want to be by yourself now but when you get older trust me you will regret it. and last thing in Islam women cannot move out on their own unless they have no mahram what so ever(like women converts who have no male muslims realative).if you have a mahram you must be under the protection of your mahram or your husband.

May Allah guide us all to the righteous path

 

[AnonymousPoster]

What about people who have nobody?
I have a cousin whose both parents died my aunt and her husband while they were quite young. she was living with my grandmother and my grandmother passed away as well. everyone else is busy with their lives, her brother married and moved to Kuwait and her sister with her husband. she WANTS TO GET MARRIED, but no one has proposed to her, except an old miser who was divorced three times. one time after 6 months, his divorcee signed everything over to him for her freedom.

My cousin is an engineer, comes from an otherwise amazing family. what is the ruling on her? she has to live on her own, she didn't choose this life but it was the life handed her. She has no Mahram. And no husband. Why don't we try to imagine other's circumstances before jumping to conclusions over how unreligious or unrealistic they are?
I am sometimes surprised at how insensitive the course of some of the posts.

 

[Snowflake]

From the beginning of time, there've been women who have lived/live alone, choosing never to marry and it has done them or their deen no harm.

Some people interpret the term 'marriage completes half your deen' as if marriage automatically makes everyone a good pious muslim. NOT! It only means that you've followed the sunnah and have minimised your chances of falling into temptation and commiting sin. If one is strong enough to withstand temptation then what's wrong with remaining unmarried?

It may come as a surprise to some, but there are people who chose not to get involved physically and emotionally in this world and all it contains and instead spend their life worshipping Allah. Mainly because they have no love for what is temporary.

Some may have personal reasons like, feeling unable to sustain relationships etc etc... But whatever the reason there's nothing wrong with it. And if someone does change their mind later on, why fear that they may not find someone because they are 'past their sell-by date'? If Allah has meant for them to be with someone, it will happen no matter what their age or where they are.

Follow your wishes sister. There's no reason at all to do something you're not comfortable with. It's your life and you know how to live it better than anyone else.

 

[Curaezipirid]

Assalamu Alaikum

I was only just now this morning speaking with a person whom had nine children with different mothers and knows that none of those women gave him an aspect of his self that he needs to follow to believe in himself. Actually he is not truly within any real tradition that I believe in by assuming that of himself, but he is born to an Aboriginal mother, and manifesting a total physical resemblence to being an Aborigine. But he seems not to be in another way also. His complaint was that he seems never to be able to manifest what he is seeking from a marriage. Why get married then at all? Why even bother trying to seek what you need through another person when you could perhaps find your needs met in Prayer, and recitation. Just focusing upon making yourself an asset in labour to a Mosque is as good as working to the needs of a marriage.

I never either wanted to marry when younger. I only had a boyfriend because that was socially expected. Less fortunately now from that social expectation I was under here in modern Australia without then being a Muslim. I never really wanted marriage until becoming a mother. In fact the whole business seems to be dependant upon a biological manfiestation more than any other. I just happen to be one of those girls whom wanted babies young and had a biological urge for procreation young. I always knew that I had no really describable reason, just that if not a mother then what else would be real. But that is different for others. There are females for whom the idea of motherhood before their whole life is totally ordered around a child slotting neatly into a completely already prepared childhood experience, is just not viable. While for my own nature the lessons of the past and its inadequacies are the only real way to learn. Among both males and females there are those whom manage parenthood best as a young person and others whom manage parenthood best as an older person. I guess it depends upon our Soul and whether our forgiveness thinks to the future or the past.

But apart from having babies the idea of intimacy between me and a man is just too terrifying and irky to even contemplate. This is after three children. I think that I'd rather just go straight for the childbirth: and in considering the account in Allah for intimate contact without procreation, well all the more I want that I never need any sexual contact.

Maybe it is only because the right Husband hasn't turned up, but since he hasn't yet I'd rather be unmarried and celibate also.

Also we really need consider what we will be like in managing ourselves in the future when there are fifty females for every male. Lets start to make our communities safe for women whom chose not to marry, and that means providing male guidance in other ways that are not intimate. Fathering would continue most definitely.

There is so much that is assumed can only be communicated through initmacy. But if all that is truly only possibly within intimate relations then who will learn anything. We might all just have to get better at writing poetry to help our sisters whom will not want to marry. (and brothers if they are let away with not continuing to marry for procreation)

wasalam

 

[Malaikah]

then again you are a guy, who would say no to have a woman cook and clean after them.
(please dont bring the whole is a 50/50 thing)

and i'm a girl, why would i say no to a guy who would work 9 to 5 to make cash to spend on me :rollseyes

you cant ignore the 50/50!

Abdulah I might look into adoption.

its not easy to adopt a kid and be a single mum... you will have to work to provide for him/her, and where are u going to leave him/her when your working, home alone? and at the same time you will have to be a good mum...

believe me being a single mum isnt easy.... all the single mums i know of have old kids and get paid by the government... and they didnt choose to be single mums, i dont think you can be allegable for government payouts if youo actually adopt a kid.. :?

 

[Malaikah]

What about people who have nobody?
I have a cousin whose both parents died my aunt and her husband while they were quite young. she was living with my grandmother and my grandmother passed away as well. everyone else is busy with their lives, her brother married and moved to Kuwait and her sister with her husband. she WANTS TO GET MARRIED, but no one has proposed to her, except an old miser who was divorced three times. one time after 6 months, his divorcee signed everything over to him for her freedom.

My cousin is an engineer, comes from an otherwise amazing family. what is the ruling on her? she has to live on her own, she didn't choose this life but it was the life handed her. She has no Mahram. And no husband. Why don't we try to imagine other's circumstances before jumping to conclusions over how unreligious or unrealistic they are?
I am sometimes surprised at how insensitive the course of some of the posts.

there is a HUGE difference between someone WANTING to live alone... and someone having no other option!

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

I totally agree with Muslimah_Sis. Its your choice, and you have the right to do as you please as long as you're avoiding fitnah.

On the issue of raising an orphan, that is wonderful mashaAllah. However, every child does need a father figure in its life as well. I understand people like male-bashing, but go tell that to a child who needs a father's love as well as a mothers. Like sis cheese said, its not easy being a single mother...

 

[Al-Zaara]

I don't see what is the big deal. lots of people don't get married. I have an aunt who got married at age 44 because there was no one suitable that proposed when she was younger. Her current husband I think truly is her soul mate.

There is a psychological aspect of readiness for marriage, not just a religious one. I think if people can't say anything nice, then say nothing. One can lead someone to depression and a life time of misery forcing them down a path they are not ready for!

By The way Rabyia Al'adwya, was a good Muslim, she loved God so much, that she didn't want to share that love with someone else. She wanted to dedicate her life to God. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Women don't share the same sexual urges men do. In fact I have never heard of a woman raping a man. But to be married to please your family and friends would not only declare a marriage null, having your would be husband force himself on you, when you didn't want him in the first place is considered rape.

Hmm..
I think there is a difference between the sexual urges for women and for men.
Men just tend to get aggressive while women don't always. It's not like men get more often sexual need than women. Women get them too, you know. It's just that women seem to be able to hold their needs under control while a man goes almost nuts. (don't take this literally)

I agree with what has been said here. It's your choice and nobody can force you. Just that you avoid fitnah.

The thing is sis, your aunt married. You say never. It's that what bothers me. You never know what Allah (swt) has prepared for you.

By the way sis, Rabyi'a became an recluse/hermit. She completely stayed away from people and lived her life all alone, literally.
So what she did can't be compared with many others. I assume you still want friends and family around, but Rabyi'a was all alone. And it was her choice. Which I too admire her for. I wouldn't be able to do that.

Again, it's your choice. You don't want to marry, don't.
But never say never.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Again. I am not the same person as the original poster. I have mentioned that a couple of times already. I just wanted to support her view without the usual public lash out, also since I think this is a very private matter, anyone who posts anonymousely is to me anyhow reluctant to want to be judged for their views, considering and from what I am reading, it isn't a very popular one!

I have nothing against marriage as I already mentioned. I gave a couple of examples as to what life might dish out to someone who is no different than anyone else. One my aunt marrying late. Two My cousin whose both parents are deceased as well as her sole care taker, hence she has no Mahram. By that token I was trying to perhaps open the eyes of some that one shouldn't judge so harshly NOT KNOWING the full circumstances of another human being. Why is she not married? isn't it Haram she is living alone with no Mahram? Don't make friends with that girl because those deviant views might be contagious?:giggling: well to some that is what life has offered unfortunately. Should we shun and treat them like pariahs? Have any of us guaranteed our own lives taking the most stellar course; where we or someone we know would NEVER be subjected to bad circumstance?

Not everyone wishes to air out their dirty laundry, or a matter of private nature publically. I believe when one posts anonymousely. they are trying to get a feeling for why people behave a particular way, and to seek a method with which to deal with it, in their own real life circumstance.

I wish the original poster, nothing but the sincere best. Nothing would give me greater pleasure, as an appreciater of the human condition, than her finding someone who will change her views of marriage and men. But, I will not judge her too harshly or at all even, if she opts for a celibate life. whatever her reasonings might be. or elopes with the first guy that knocks on her doors!

 

[Snowflake]

On the issue of adoption/fostering, it is better for a child to have at least one good loving parent than none at all.

There are those for are never adopted and spend their entire childhood in childrens home. Which is better? A childhood spent in a home or in a secure relationship with one parent?

As for providing for that child as a single mom? Allah is the Sustainer and Provider. Even if a child is in a home, the government is paying for that child to be fed and clothed. Then it makes no difference if an adoptee receives benefits to raise that child, if a parent cannot provide for him/her.

And if the mother works, the child can go to nursery and later school. She can still spend quality time with her child. The child won't be a child forever.
So these difficulties are temporary. In the long run it is in the child's best interest to be brought up by a single loving parent, who can build a strong foundation for him to live his life than to be brought up in the system.

I am not denying that being a single parent is difficult, but that can happen to anyone at any time. It is worth making that sacrifice if one is able to, to enrich a child's life who otherwise may never know what it feels like to be genuinely loved and appreciated.

In difficulties lies Allah's rewards and blessings, and we should not let them stop us if it means a lot of good can come out of it.

I believe that Allah's help is with those, who do something for the sake of humanity and Allah's pleasure. It is a huge sacrifice, but not as huge as the rewards and blessing Allah will give in return.

 

[anonymous]

And if the mother works, the child can go to nursery and later school. She can still spend quality time with her child. The child won't be a child forever.
So these difficulties are temporary. In the long run it is in the child's best interest to be brought up by a single loving parent, who can build a strong foundation for him to live his life than to be brought up in the system.

Sis.. das xactly why most of our children turn out to be brats, the parents only get to see their kids for one hour or so in the morning, they come back from work to find that they're sleeping... so they become strangers.

No one is there to lookout who is associating with them, the ideas their being fed by the nursury etc...

There are those for are never adopted and spend their entire childhood in childrens home. Which is better? A childhood spent in a home or in a secure relationship with one parent?

Ofcourse having one parent is better than none, but what's even better if they have a parent who is dedicated to caring for them.

anyway.. lol my intention wasnt to reply 2ur post.. wats more importantw as the anon prsn above u!


anon did u even read what cheese said?

But, I will not judge her too harshly or at all even, if she opts for a celibate life. whatever her reasonings might be. or elopes with the first guy that knocks on her doors!

ffended: erm ffended:

 

[Snowflake]

anonymous;512210]
Ofcourse having one parent is better than none, but what's even better if they have a parent who is dedicated to caring for them.

anyway.. lol my intention wasnt to reply 2ur post.. wats more importantw as the anon prsn above u!

That's what I meant by 'secure' relationship.

anon did u even read what cheese said?


ffended: erm ffended:

Nope..sorry I didn't read it. As long as you are firm in knowing what's good for you personally, then that's all that matters.

 

[anonymous]

That's what I meant by 'secure' relationship.

cool.. i take it u agree with the rest of wat i sed ?

Nope..sorry I didn't read it. As long as you are firm in knowing what's good for you personally, then that's all that matters.

so ur the one who sed

But, I will not judge her too harshly or at all even, if she opts for a celibate life. whatever her reasonings might be. or elopes with the first guy that knocks on her doors!

:?

:X

 

[Snowflake]

Ugh! No it wasn't me. I don't post anonymous. ffended:

plus don't you think it would've contradicted with everything I said? ^o)

 

[anonymous]

Ugh! No it wasn't me. I don't post anonymous. ffended:

plus don't you think it would've contradicted with everything I said? ^o)

:lol: xactly!

just watned 2 make sure...coz u quoted the bit where i sed "ffended: ermffended: "

sorry 4dat

btw.. 2da sis who sed dat men r eager 2 jump up to issues like this n leave other ones alone.. soooooo tru :hiding: . but since we're at it... as they say... 'maa yutrak juluhu laa yutrak kulluh'... but ya its unforunate :uuh: ..

salamz

 

[rania2820]

i said in my post that its not allowed for women to live alone unless they don't have a mahram.i don't see this as being offense to anyone.if you don't have a mahram then of course you HAVE to live alone.

Moving far away from your family and travelling by yourself is not permissible because of the problem, rather it the wrong way to deal with it. It is like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas said: I heard the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “No man should be alone with a woman unless there is a mahram present with her, and no woman should travel except with a mahram.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (1763) and Muslim (1341).

This hadeeth indicates that for a woman to travel alone, without a husband or mahram, is haraam. The word “travel” in the hadeeth is general in meaning, and includes travelling for Hajj and ‘Umrah or to seek knowledge. What you are intending to do comes under the heading of travel that is forbidden in this hadeeth, and if the travel is to a kaafir country, then it is even more haraam.

http://islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=83064&ln=eng&txt=women living alone

 

[AnonymousPoster]

thanks for the good responces, if only people in real life were this supportivewhere i am from if choose not to marry they will think you are a horrible person or not a decent girl.
Well i am not a man hater but when i was younger many men tried it with me, i was 12,13 while they were 30+. I just dont feel comfortable and dont think i would ever be, i hope Allah swt understands, for me wanting to be alone.